Sometimes things don't go the way you want

Deb 45 · Post by **Deb 45** » Tue Jan 29, 2008 4:10 pm

Just a comment about assertiveness. I love this topic. I have thought a lot about how to talk assertively and I've practiced it alot.

Sometimes it can lead to learning things you wish weren't true. I tried to be assertive with my family members, and I found that they are unwilling to face the things I brought to their attention. Stuff I really won't accept the way it is. Either it changes, or our relationship will be very limited. So my relationships with certain family is now a lot less prominent in my life.

For example, I used to call my sister all the time to chat. She never called me. We'd talk for over an hour at a time. Only thing was she talks a lot about herself, but never really seems interested in me. So I asked her "Why don't you ever call me?" Her response was "What would we talk about?"

I stopped calling her, and its been over a year. She called once, and it was very short. Since then she hasn't called. We see each other at family gatherings, and she's still the same.

I guess the good thing is I'm looking for more positive people to be in my life. Its been tough. My family used to take up a lot more of my time. But I have slowly made some friends I think are more interested in me and are more positive.

cfe · Post by **cfe** » Fri Feb 01, 2008 4:50 am

I have had a similar problem with my family. Especially my sister. She never has time with me, and we don't get along very good. But she calls when she wants to borrow money, needs a favor, or wants me to babysit. I don't mind helping, but she never calls to just say Hi, or to invite me to lunch. She never asks about me or my husband or my child. She is recently divorced, so I tried to be patient. But I realized it had been going on before that, and that she is a user and a taker and never gives anything back. So to try to salvage some king of relationship I have just stepped back. I have removed myself from her, and hopefully in the future things will be different. It is sad though. I hardly see her and she lives a mile from me. I have stopped borrowing her money and watching her children ( whom are very unruley), and she has stopped calling me. I realized it has been an unhealthy, one-sided relationship for a long time. But I need to worry about my family first. I ask her why we don't get together, and she tells me it is because I am so mean and judgemental. But I can watch your Kids?!
I too have few frieds. I unfortunately am in a difficult situation, and due to my anxiety and phobias have cut myself off from people. I have lost the few friends I had. I am a stay-at-home mom, so don't get out much. I would like to change that, but don't know where to start or where to go.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Feb 01, 2008 5:53 am

I'm in the same boat as both of you:). The truth isn't always fun, but hopefully it will help us weed people out of our lives that aren't good for us, and then we will fill our lives with positive people:).
Although raising a child with severe autism is so very difficult, it did help me see things about my family as well. I used to be the co-dependent care taker for everyone in my family. In the back of my mind, I just thought if something bad ever happened to me, that they would be there. This did not happen, and I basically had a nervous break down after my son was diagnosed. However, I learned the truth. Although it can be lonely, I have had the opportunity of relying on God and building my internal resources. Also, my son and my husband are my priority. The holidays used to be depressing because I was used to traveling around with my family to see everyone else. When we didn't go to see family members anymore I was depressed at first and really struggled. These family members also make fun of our son because of his autism. Now I can honestly say that I am over it. My husband and I have learned to have our own fun over the holidays:). We found out about some drama that took place in our extended family over the holidays, and we were both so glad we weren't there.
We have our son to deal with. I'll never forget my son having a severe seizure, going into the hospital, and how those family members acted. My sister set up some kind of drama where my dad yelled at me the day after my son got out of the hospital. When I called my mother in law when my son was seizing, she was very cool and simply said in a harsh tone, "Oh me. Please keep us informed." I just think a normal grandmother would have offered to stay on the line, and just would have cared more. I could go on and on, but it's horrible so we only have extremely limited contact. We actually have family members who try to get us involved in all of this drama when we need to take care of our son. We don't let them do it. We're the ones that need help, and those family members just aren't going to help, but their going to suck us into their drama. You are both right, it is hard, especially at first, but the good news about emptiness is that you can be filled with good relationships:).
I just also recently got out of a friendship that was unhealthy and found out the truth by being assertive. However, it just seems like God has really been with me. Standing up for yourself doesn't mean you can change the other person. It's about taking care of yourself and knowing that your worth taking care of. The response really isn't what matters sometimes. It's that you know you did the right thing for yourself.
Hopefully we will all find good friends:).
Take Care

jillzmind · Post by **jillzmind** » Fri Feb 01, 2008 6:14 am

Guess family is so hard to be assertive with.. Your not alone me too I have hard time assertive with family because nothing I say or do will help them to understand or listen or willing work etc... For friends or other people I was able to use my assertive skill it depends on who.. Compare that with family.. I think Family is the hardest ones to use assertive skill!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Feb 01, 2008 7:05 am

I believe that when you start being assertave with famaily, co-workers, and frends they have a hard time handling it because you are changing. When you were submisave you were easier to handle and minipulate.
You will go through many stormes with people over the new more assertive you. I had a war with my step father six months ago but we are geting along real well now. Give it time and keep practising the new assertive you.
Right now I am facing one of my fears at work. A co-worker is degraiding and name calling me to get me to submit to pass his ware. He is a machine operator and I am a quality inspector. I have got to stand up to this bully. He does not value my frendship. I must keep doing my job corectly, I must not comunacate with him by calling him names back. I must ignore him. If he keeps calling me nasty names I must turn him in for it. I am now assertive. I have to act assertive. I wonder how the outcome of this expeareance will be. If I allow this name calling to go on I will be sad and depressed.
I don't know if we will be friends or not in the end. I am no lesser of a person than he. I have to value me. I have to stand up to this bully. I don't ever expect to hang out with this bully, but I mustn't let him degrade me eather.
This is real hard for me. I have got to be strong. I don't want to turn him in, but I must if it continues. That is just part of the new assertive me. I am not sad or depressed though.

Glass

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Feb 04, 2008 12:41 pm

i just started the program on feb2 and being more assertive is really one of the things i want to work on. since i've been depressed its like i just forgot how to voice my opinion...i end up "going with the flow" most of the time and often end up in situations that i don't want to be in b/cuz i didn't want to speak up and say otherwise...i want to escape this passivity i've developed since my depression but i'm scared because i just don't know how people will receive me