The Challenge...Lesson 7

[mcshope]

where my heart will take me

I love this song, I hope you enjoy it.

[NinjaFrodo]

I thought this was a cute little video that definately fits with the theme of this week.

Respect


Mike

[THH]

Hey gang, another weekend is over. I can't believe how quick this month is flying by. It was a very fast paced weekend. People stopping in, places to go, truck had to go in the shop for breaks, pot luck to attend. On Saturday I started to feel overwhelmed. Friday was a fast paced day too. I started thinking about all the things I had to do. I was behind and there were a couple points I knew I would never get caught up. I felt the weather was so beautiful I wanted to do some of "my" stuff. I got mad because I had to do this and that instead. I was grumpy and finally went to bed. I knew Sunday would follow the last couple days but I choose to change my thinking as I was not happy with myself on my Saturday performance!
On the way to pick up our truck, I said at least the weather is so nice to drive in and look at the fall colors. While my cousin stopped in, rather then think of the other things I would like to be doing, I said I'm glad he choose to stop to see me. When we had a pot luck to attend, I said I'm glad I have some people who invited me to do something social. It felt better, and though I'm tired I don't feel as stressed out.
Maybe this week I will hear from all our blood test and the bank said Nov. 1 my pictures will be printed. So some things to look forward to. Still the water issue to deal with too.
One thing I'm seeing is when I am having a hard day, its best to minimize my expectations. To expect all days are not going to go well, expect things not to. Just shutting things down and going to bed. Usually the next day is better!

[THH]

Hope,
Oh I'm like that too. I like people to come to my house and stay, but I don't want to stay at theirs. I rarely ask for favors and a few times I have I have been turned down. Then I get mad because I would have not turned them down, I go way out to help. So I am learning its ok to say no esp. when it really will be more than what I want to do. I feel good about giving advise too, and I guess for me, I don't really have many people who I can ask help from. My husband, and dad, and I have one friend who has a very busy life but if I need her she is there even if its a few minuets, she will say just the right thing. Trust is hard. There are only a few people who I really let my guard down and trust them with my self. I have found many use that information to hold it against you at a later time. Its not easy getting comfortable with that one.
Congratulations with your driving!!! Going to work and the stores, GREAT! We are our own safe people. I'm doing better at delegating. If someone ask what can I do to help, I give a duty and let go. Its nice, I need to do it more often.
Nice song!

[THH]

Karen,
Well you had a bad day! Oh well. It happens. Look at all the days you drove and did more.You are not going backwards it just was a bad day. We ALL have them.
You have done good being active and working in your yard too. Being mindful of what you eat as well. Keep on the path. It will pay off many times. Be kind to yourself, stay in the present We can do this!
Hey hows the on line friend?

[THH]

Mike,
Cute video.

Your score this time around has really come down! That is a major gain!
I'm sure my score would be much lower now, but I still have trouble in a few areas but I am amazed of where I was and how most of those I scored pretty high.
I still could not tell someone that I don't like them!
Turn off a talkative friend.
Argue my opinion.
Tell my boss, they are not doing their job right.

When someone close to you needs a favor, it is selfish of you to put your own needs first.
->I struggle alot with this beacuse I feel by me saying no, I am putting them into an impossible and hopeless situation and causing them pain. I know this is just personalization at work but still difficult.

For me Mike, it depends on what it is? When someone asks for help, a favor, it is their problem, not yours, if you can help and want to thats great, but if its bad timing or just more than you want to do, you can politely pass. Try not to beat yourself up for not doing it. You have to be good to yourself. You are a good person.

I struggle with people complaining and being negative as well. I just try and change the subject, put positive spins on things.

Maybe instead of confronting your sister, you can start just talking to her. get to know each other from this day forward kind of thing. The past is the past. If you really feel the need to say something and its to make you feel better than you have to gather the courage to do it. Putting things off only leads to anticipatory anxiety. Make your peace.
Just a few of my thoughts. Hope it helps.

[Karen L]

I am on the road to recovery. There will be obstacles which I will deal with as they arise. I am moving in the right direction. I must feel the discomfort and see that it will not hurt me.

Thanks for the support everyone. A lil upset with my self still when I think back to the situation. I am not dwelling on it, and have let go for the most part. I guess I just feel bad because I disappointed my daughter. It just re-inforced that she cant rely on me.

syill have been anxious when needing to go to the store...did minimal driving this week-end, but was very busy at home...while at home the anxiety has been minimal and I have been getting alot done.

I met my online friend yesterday...we talked and laughed, had a really great time....I definitely am going to continue to see him as he is a positive person and really makes me laugh
I do however see myself "comparing" him to my ex once in awhile and feeling just a lil bit sad..but its ok....this may be a good friendship/ relationship for me..


Mike

thanks so much for the positive re-inforcement...it just really upsets me when it comes to my limits with my kids.....my daughter was not really mad, it was more like a "m sick of this already, I knew this would happen" attitude, although she didnt say that, I could tell by her actions....it only lasted a few hours and we are back to being good...Im sure it also embarassed her a bit in front of her friends..15yo is a hard time for girls...so I understand...

In your response to my suggestions I felt a little bit of not hostility, but like a defensive feeling...now I am just being honest ok?? I did not realize you had that much experience in the field, I was just I guess enlighten you to what I knew from past experiences....like I said though, this was not knowing you had the knowledge you do have.....maybe I came off a bit condescending to you?? cuz that is not what I wanted by any means.....it seems like when it comes to the medical field and with ER experience it is a "teaching" we do to patients...so I just went into my teaching mode without even thinking about it...I dont pre-plan what I am going to say, but always just type freely....so I see how I could have offended you, but that is not at all what I wanted to do....and Im sorry if I came across like that...

so basically, your responce was good as far as being assertive....but you did get a bit defensive and tried a bit to justify your reasons.....and I completely undrstand that here in this forum.....and I appreciate it...but remember in the real world you do not owe an explanation to anyone...you have what you believe and thats it...you do not owe anyone a justification to your beliefs....now please remember that I am just criticing your response as far as the real word....but very good job on being assertive!!

I look forward to hearing about the fear fantasy technique, you do have my interest

you have some excellent situational examples you have shared..you really seem to understand being assertive,,,thanks for sharing

and I do agree with Hope, you are offering a service that you have been trained it....you need to be compensated for your services...


Hope

thanks for the input...I do really get upset with myself when dealing with my limitations....I have a hard time looking at the positives and just dwelling on the negative...I need to remember this and continue to work on this....

thanks for sharing your relationship experience with me.....I am going to take this slow and really get to know him and let him get to know me...I really do needsome positive people in my life and he is a very good example....I have started out on the right foot, being honest with him....this is hard for me because I guess I dont want to open up in fear of getting hurt...the old wound is just a bit fresh still....but you are completely right on taking it slow and letting him know the real me thanks!!

that's excellent that you made it to the shop again!!! thats what we need is to practice and practice again....excellent!! I also like to have the tapes of the lessons going on, even if I am doing other tasks....I may not be hearing every word, but my mind is busy absorbing what is being said....it does keep your mind busy like you said, and thus keeps you present without having a wandering mind...

hope you had a nice week-end!!



THH

that is really great that you recognized your feelings on Saturday and then being able to change your thoughts for the next day and make everything positive!! you were able to bring out the positive in every situation...I really need to follow your steps, from just enjoying the beauty of nature to be thankful for people in our lives...you really did excellent!! be proud of yourself!!!

thanks for the encouragement!! I so easily fall back into my past thinking....and do need to remember to be kind to myself...I would never put a friend or loved one down the way I do myslef....sometimes all we need is to be reminded....thanks

Im sure evrything is fine with the bloodwork...they definitely would have notified you right away if they found something wrong...you are really dealing with the situation amazingly!!


have a great day everyone

[NinjaFrodo]

This was just really cute and funny;

Cruel to be kind

[NinjaFrodo]

mcshope;

Good video!

THH;

Wow that does sound pretty busy. I take it your weekends are usually more busy then your weekdays then. I hadn't really thought so much about how to handle overwhelmed feelings when you have things that you really have to do and can't get out of it so much. I've just didn't do them and underloaded my day and well it has actually been a concern because if I get job, I won't be able to just not do things so reading your post helped. Focusing on the good things seems to work for you, perhaps they'll work for me too.

Very good realization as well! by lowering expectations we also lower the frustration, stress we cause within our bodies and bitter feelings as well.

Thank you the video was pretty cute and I'm sure I will be putting more cute and funny videos up in the future. By the way did you check out the what the bleep do we know vids?

Yeah my score is down like 25 points from when I started the program 6 years ago. Its been a slow process but i'm getting there. I dropped down 2 categories so i'm passive-assertive instead of wimp.

Thank you. Well its easier to say no when it is something that anybody can do but if its something that only I have had good results with then its a little diffrent. My great aunt for instance, she has tried so many diffrent therapies from anti-viral drugs to acupuncture, high doses of Vit C interveniously, herbal concautions, energy based chiropractic and some other things all for her long standing shingles (2.5 years now) and even had my instructor come give her a shiatsu treatment but not much results. When I treat her she gets really good results.

So did you then look at the post about those techniques to handle whining and complaining that I put up?

Well when I phone her she just tells me that she doesn't have time to talk. In person its just hi and thats it. She's holding the grudge and won't let me get to know her or anything. I really do feel that I need to say something to make me feel better weather it is on the phone, via a facebook message or a letter. Putting things off does have the potential for anticipatory anxiety but I don't have so much of that right now, it does come up sometimes. With more assertive practice I will know that I will already be working on that issue so I don't have to have the anticipatory anxiety or the obsessive thoughts around it. I actually just got another notepad which I'm calling it my assertiveness book and what I'm doing is collecting negative hurtful comments and going to figure out an assertive response for all of them and then record them into a tape player and listen to them. I think I might say the date then do the replacements and then just keep it on there and continue to do it that way and then every once in awhile listen in to hear any diffrence in my voice tone from when I started to the last recording. Its cool too because I had found some unopened blank cassette tapes on the ground one day a few months ago so I think i'll put them to use.

The problem with her is that when she sees me she sees who I used to be. One day I posted a comment to a picture of my new cousin on facebook and she told me not to say such gay and stupid things or something like that. I was telling her how I didn't appreciate what she was saying to me in that current situation and she said I kept twisting things around to be about the past when really I had said nothing in past tense nor did I blame her for anything. This is what brings me to my conclusion. I did let her know that I was bothered by what she was saying in that moment and let her know about how I said I wasn't talking in past tense or blaming and well she didn't respond after that one so I think she got the point. Honestly I really do not know if I even want her in my life, I feel what I want is just closure from the whole experience. I do not feel that I can get to know her right now, there is too much crap in the way.


Mike

[NinjaFrodo]

Karen L;

Its very understandable to feel bad when your limitation and anxiety stop you from being there for someone you really love. It is hurtful for both parties and has the potential to make us feel inferior, not good enough for other people, not a good enough parent, child, brother, sister..etc. It did pass and that is good and even if that was her attitude the whole "i'm sick of this already, I knew this would happen" its ok. This condition is not you, its just a bunch of behaviors that are changeable. Would you get angry at a wheelchair kid because they couldn't run a marathon? Or a baby who is starting to learn to walk would you get angry at it because it cannot run? Expect that you may not be able to fulfill the limitations sometimes and expect that people may get frustrated but they are frustrated at the condition and not at you.

Maybe you need to handle the fear behind the anxiety just before you face the limitation. Do some thought replacement using the examine the evidence technique. You know the body symptoms are just body symptoms, you've gone to the store several times and nothing catastrophic has happened and so on. Also if you are still eatting chocolate, don't eat it anywhere around the time you are going to face a limitation...do it afterwards.

met him in person you mean? That sounds great! Its normal to compare when we have the anxiety. Our minds are just trying to protect us from situations we had in our past reoccuring. When you compare and find common bad things, focus on the positive good things this person has that your ex didn't.

No no, this is not your fault in the least bit how you responded to the suggestion. You were trying to help with your knowledge and experience. Yes I was defensive and what I was most focused on was the part about bowel movements being perfectly normal if going every other day. I was being perfectionistic and wanted to make it "right" and also felt like you were completely disregarding my past experiences, all the pain coming from my digestive issues for all those years but its funny because you didn't even know about them so how could that be your fault? Keep in mind that I do make mistakes too and just because you feel bad or you feel you did something wrong doesn't mean you did. I do appreciate that you were trying to help me and I'm sorry for reacting the way that I did. As for the teaching mode, well you see me doing that on a daily basis so there is no need to appologize for that.

Thank you, don't worry about offending me with criticism. I'm not as sensitive about those kinds of things and I do appreciate feedback so I can learn and grow.

Well i'm still really working on the assertiveness but thank you. I guess I'm just not confident enough in it, it still feels really wierd, akward and anxiety producing.



Mike