The Challenge...Lesson 7

[THH]

Karen,
We did have a nice night out with the neighbors. We visit out in the yards all summer, but never had a meal together. It was fun and I'm glad we did it!

Very good with your self talk! It does feel good to feel good!

[Karen L]

Iam on the road to recovery. There will be obstacles, but I am moving in the right direction. I must feel the discomfort to know it will not hurt me.


ok...must say that Saturday night I had myself in a panic...I was tired all day and when I was going to bed I went to take my meds which were in my pill container...I realized I hadnt taken my morning meds for the day....well, I hate paxil and have been on it for 12yrs...anyways, I have tried a few times over the years to taper down to stop it and never was able to do it as I had terrible anxiety over it...I actually think it was more because all the side effects and law suits going on......anyways, I total began to panic, counting the hours since I took it...I was at about a level 8, what-ifing...if I take it now will that be too early for tomorrow?? if I dont take it now will I feel like crap by the time I get up??
anyways, I help up the stop sign.....decided with my medical experience to take it then, and went to bed....the anxiety decreased and I was asleep in about 15 minutes....and no side effects the next day lol

Halloween was good.....I passed out candy while my 3 girls went out trick-or-treating....yes, they are a bit old (especially the 22yo lol) but they all went out together with some friends...which was good because my 12yo didnt have anyone to go with....I did great passing out candy...had a few memories of my ex, as we always did it together....but let it go, as I realize the happy moments were very infrequent and the bad times greatly out-weighed the good times.....

today was good....did some yard work and work-out..back up to my normal routine which really gets my heart rate and breathing up....minimal anxiety and no dizziness!!! the dizziness is rarely lately, so I am feeling better about that

this evening the girls and I went shopping...I went to my normal store, then to a store I havent been in for almost 2 weeks...we drove around and I made it one street away from my daughter's school that I didnt make it to the other day also made it to the grocery store parking lot, where I havent been in about 2 months....I had a few waves of elevated anxiety, but didnt give it any aknowledgement, just kept talking to my girls so it was a very productive evening

still eating way too much candy, but the store wont stop putting it on sale lol....I have been thinking alot about this and need to figure out a plan.....but Im not obsessing over it, more just aware of it

so all in all I have been very good....last night when I got into bed my daughter had left the tv on and I dont know what the show was called but I started listening and it was some kind of preacher talking about how we are responsible for our own happiness...I continued tolisten for awhile and it just clicked....all it comes down to is changing our perspective......I have alot to be happy about...my kids and I are healthy...we have a house and food...my parents are alive and in good health...I have a car to drive...I have the ability to do yard work....etc....it was just a very eye-opening experience....so my goal is to daily be thankful for what I do have.......and when I feel down or angry I will remind myself to put my life back in perspective


Mike

I am so glad to hear that you attended the parties and the parade sounds like you had a great time!! major accomplishment not letting the person bother you while you were on the phone.....you tuned him out n didnt let him effect you!! awesome!! you were also able to stop negative thoughts and enjoy yourself!! I am so happy for you

thanks for the comment of the video..I thought it was pretty dang cute, but Im the mom lol

MIke....dont beat yourself up for lagging on the relaxation tape and assignments....you were actually out practicing your skills which is very important!!! I actually think its more important to get out in the real world and work on your skills then to sit home alone and do the homework...you understand the sessions and there's no reason to get down on yourself...instead praise your accomplishments this week-end!!! you practiced alot of the skills!!!


THH

that is so cool about the neighbors!!!
thanks for the praise..and yes it does feel good
how was your Halloween?? I have know idea if you have anything out in the rural areas.....I gave out almost 250 candy bars in less than 2 hours, so it was a busy night here....I really enjoy the little ones that look so cute and are sooo excite

[creamcheesepuff]

Hi Karen, read your post and it looks like you are making great progress. I absolutely agree that THINKING and REALLY focusing on our positive accomplishments, event, and dealings in life really have an impact. I think we live in a more negative society unfortunately. Keep it up, its really great hearing about how "WE can work it out" as the Beatles song says. is so true.....we have the power to feel good again. creamcheesepuff

[NinjaFrodo]

THH;

Lol yes it was a stupid judge, very ignorant and mean!

I'll post the link in the new thread.

I've heard that before and just kind of forgotten it and I haven't actually had nightmares for a bit now so i'll have to wait until next time.

Thank you it was fun!


Karen L;

Yukky paxil, i hated that one with a passion. The side effects were unbearable and I cannot imagine what you've struggled with for 12 years just being on them! It sounds like you spent alot of sataurday feeling very scared and panicky and you were really struggling with that. No side effects the next day? How did that workout?

Haha the last time I stopped trick or treating was when I was 21 I felt bad that last time. Good job with handling the trick or treating as well as the obsessive thoughts.

Did you usually have dizziness? I think you've mentioned it a few times.

Good progress!

Fruit would be your best friend when trying to overcome the candy issue.

Sounds like life has just handed you some key information! This is the kind of stuff I've been "listening" for, for most of my life. Some kind of guidance and I get it in similar ways to how you just did! Its just really amazing how things like that work out. You do what you need to in order to get better and life or whatever you want to call it helps out by giving you stuff like this!

Its definately alot easier after I was drinking! However there was one person I saw at the party who I think just acts all nice and stuff to my face but really isn't that interested in what I have to say or whatever. I felt a little anxious about that. I mean I was talking to him while I was there and was asking him a bunch of questions about how he was doing, what he was up to, if he still talks to certain people and not a single question was asked to me. Thats what gives me the impression that he isn't interested especially after I hadn't seen him for a really long time! But other then that I definately did feel that I did good, thanks.

Ya I guess I kind of did practice my skills, thank you! I honestly didn't really think about it as facing my limitation. The bday party before was hard and that was a huge limitation, I was anticipating the worst but then I realized that people aren't all out to get me and make me feel bad if they see a sign of weakness or vulnerability! This time I think I might have been slightly nervous beforehand but that was because I was expecting my friend to react very negatively to me even being there which he actually didn't. Either way I guess I'm more comfortable socially.


Mike

[THH]

Karen,
YOU did GREAT!!!!!

I wonder if you heard Joel Osteen. I love him! LOL... Hes my TV preacher. He goes very well with this program. He has great topics, and for me, I think believing in a higher power helps in so many ways.
Changing our perspective is what it is all about.I try dwelling on the positive and what is right in my life instead of whats wrong with my life. Whats really important? That gives me perspective and I feel stronger, more focused, empowered by the positive. It helps me move forward and before long I'm doing it. I'm unstuck.
Its hard when your tired, overwhelmed, sick, being tried by life's circumstances. I think, as I have practiced these things in my everyday life, when a upset comes, I'm thinking better with it, but I can still get stuck if I chose to let it.
We have these choices always.
You had a great post and I'm so happy for you! YAY!

I had a fun Halloween! We don't get the kids, but I had lights and pumpkins and we watch a Vincent Price movie on AMC! In day time we went to my sisters, they have all the kids and I enjoy seeing all the great costumes, esp. the little kids. Helped hand out candy. Cream Cheese is right, not hardly any said "trick or treat"! LAME!

[Paisleegreen]

Hi Mike and others. I'm finally down to page 11. I started to notice, Mike, that you were using Dr David Burns book Feeling Good...etc. I have his book and last year went through his 10 Steps to Self Esteem work book. Which actually worked! I weaned off of Wellbutrin and generic Xanax. Just to experience a panic attack 2 months later after a 10 day long road trip.

Anyway, is there a reason when you type Dr David why there is a smiley face. Is the computer reading it as a "big grin" or you did it on purpose. Are we allowed to mention books on here?

I'm still waiting for my CD's to come, but I'm very familiar with what you were working on in Session 7. But hadn't done much of it since before June. I had completed the workbook and the Dr kept seeing me. I think he was trying to find reasons to have me keep coming to see him each week.

But now I have a new Psychologist that works more with my panic and anxiety, which I didn't have when I saw the previous Psychologist because I was on meds. LOL! So there is more I would like to respond to as everyone's postings were very interesting. But I gotta take a break for now.

[NinjaFrodo]

Paisleegreen;

Cool I have bought that book but haven't fully went through it yet. The feeling good yellow book is good but not as practical, it confused me on how to use it. The feeling good workbook has helped me out alot. As I keep growing and going through this program, I understand the books more and more. That must have been really frustrating for you when got that panic attack. Sounds like something was left unresolved but it did sound like it worked for you up until that part and probabbly still helps with some things.

Yes the comp is doing that, not my choice. There is a section for books so we are allowed to mention books and I will mention anything that is going to help.

Which workbook? He maybe have been trying, keep in mind it is a job that requires clients to create profit.

Sure thats fine if you need to take a break. You know that is very courageous for you to get yourself off meds, expose yourself to these feelings and work on them. Good for you!


Mike

[Paisleegreen]

Hi Mike, I just needed to take a break as I have DH and DS I worry about. Either their judgment or looking at what I'm posting.

I haven't been on a computer or website such as this for a long time. More for getting a house organized or life organized by a Professional Organizer that most women posted on various aspects of their lives and getting advice on how to organize it. That went away as the owner of the website moved on. But I had made some good friends from it and actually met them in person.

But after my son committed suicide, many of the websites I would visit ended. Because my life as I knew it ended. So here I am now recovering from trying to recover from many things that happen to suicide survivors. A play on words not meaning that I tried to commit suicide but survived a loved one's suicide, be it a friend, child, parent, sister or brother, etc.

So I use to visit gardening websites and met some wonderful people there as well. During all these times my computers would change and information in computers changed as well. My children grow up and get married or move on and life just keeps changing.

So one of the things that changed was my family reacting to the way I was coping with my grief. One son thought I was a Hoarder and I don't believe I am. But that is why I went to see the CBT Psychologist was to please my son. He didn't see me as a Hoarder either, because he had been treating other patients that were and they were over weight and afraid to go out and be with people or do outgoing things.

It wasn't until after my trip out of state that my younger son had packed up my stuff and pieces of furniture so that he could use this common space for a media room to show movies to his friends.
Then a letter from him telling me of all his hurts he felt after his big brother had taken his life. He suffered too at a young age at losing his brother he played with and did things with. But I didn't know this, as I was in my own pain and then had to care for my elderly parents at their house until they passed on a year or so later.

I showed this hurtful note to my DR and he call DS in and then DH, DD, DS31, DS19 went in to see him and showed him pics of my stuff. So suddenly, this Dr is saying, I lied to him and that I need to let go of my "activities" such as gardening or plans to raise plants to sell, and other things I did to cope with my losses.

So this is when I had the panic attack was after I ruminated over what did he mean? He said he was going to help me mourn the loss of his item or activity of coping while I let go of it.

Did this mean I could not set up my new Hoop House? I couldn't propagate plants and make my own money? Did this mean I couldn't finish my Koi Pond that I had enlarged and it needed some more construction work done by a mason? Did this mean I couldn'tBraise koi, or waterlilies. Or grow Japanese Maple trees? Or what about clematis vines?

What did all this mean? What did I have to get rid of? Does this mean I'm not allowed to sew or make quilts? Does this mean I can't scrapbook? I'm not allowed to look at a garden book?

Because before he met DS19, he said that noone has the right to get rid of my stuff even if it is 6ft tall. And then there was an about face. I felt betrayed by all.

So here I am, the thousands of garden pots, potting benches, etc. are still where they were when they were unloaded 1 1/2 years ago. The hoop house never went up before because DS31 had his truck bed, parts and pieces in the way on my property. Then we have my Dad's stuff from his house left to go through, but I was willing to let go and not look through it, It already had rotted in the elements for several years.

But there is a mirror there I wanted to get out of the way, and DS31 didn't want to work with me on that. They had already gotten rid of stuff and a dressser in a storage unit a year after my Dad's passing without me knowing that the mirror belonged to. See if they had told me, at least the mirror could have gone to the second hand place.

So there are many hurts involved here and trust issues, that is when I experienced the panic attacks, the clearing out my stuff ended and just trying to get me straightened out was the focus and also get my house ready for a family reunion.

Now the issue that stresses me now is that when I started to feel better due to the anti-depressant, but not enough that I don't feel the anxiety feelings. I started again to dejunk my bedroom. It took a lot of effort, but I put some of the stuff that belongs in my scrapbook room in the newly cleared out spare bedroom and because of this DS19 got scared that I was going to clutter up this empty space.

I thought they would be glad that I'm clearing up my bedroom. I was working on getting scrapbook stuff, etc. out of a master bedroom.
But it had to go somewhere until my scrapbook room was straightened out. The scrapbook room is organized, but due to company, etc. other things went into that room, so everyone except me or a craft person thinks it isn't organized.

But it is organized! And I was working on getting the room to where I could walk in and get to my working tables and scrapbook.

Anyway, during a time of chit chat w/DS19, I was tired and it was late. I asked DS about moving an internet Server out of the guest room so that I could use it. The server smells, heats up the room a bit and the fan to it is disturbing to a Heightened Anxiety sufferer. I also needed the room to sleep in when Dh begins to snore.

So due to my anti-depressant I take at night, my words came out wrong and my son changed the subject of the server being removed to me not keeping a promise of keeping my stuff out of this room. I said if I made that promise, it was under duress. Anyway, it got blown all out of proportion to where DS thinks that he is going to be the blame for DH and I breaking up and he went away in tears and DH mad at me and leaving our bedroom for the guest room. Then later came back to tell me that if anything happens to this boy, he would blame me.

Well, that is just what a wife needs to hear from her husband after losing their other son to suicide.

So it took me a few weeks to look at my son in his eyes, and I went away to visit relatives.
I came back able to face my son, now we are friends perse' but he now has written his father a lovely note.

So DH is reacting to all of this and then after visiting the DR and exaggerating all my faults to justify his anger. The DR explained the GAD to him and that he is going to have to stop responding to me in a sarcastic manner.

Well, this pretty much catches me up to the now present tenseness in the house. I feel very anxious, noone to really talk to except the one sister that has Lucinda's program, but isn't using it and is going to lend them to me, although she hasn't sent them yet. One other sister knows and she is helpful, but is younger and has her own trials to work out.

So here I am with the anxiety of not being able to do what I use to do to bring comfort or joy. I'm fearful of what DH says or doesn't say, which the Dr explained that to him. He is better at not answering in an angry tone, but we haven't had much discussion and he doesn't talk to me and went to the other room w/o saying Goodnight.

I understand some of what he is doing, but I feel frozen and overwhelmed. I feel depressed and anxious. I really don't have anyone else to talk to about this at this time.

DH told the DR that DS had posted that what I said to him about DH and I breaking up hurt him worse than losing his brother. This was news to me and that he put this on his wall on FB. I'm not friends w/ds so I never saw it. So don't know if that is all true, although ds could do that because he is at the age and his world revolves around computers, etc.

So I'm fearful that he can read what I'm posting here. So I'm in limbo somewhat on what do I really do for the rest of my life. And I probably should just work on babysteps and just work on the anxiety while around DH.

Any suggestions?

[mcshope]

Paisleegreen,

You are really going thru a difficult situation, a lot of things happening one after another.

Are you seing a psychologist now?... Is it helping?...

Do you have th program?... It takes time, but I'm sure the program will help.

I have a big problem with clutter, I don't believe I am a hoarder, however it takes me a while to clear my paper piles. I mentioned to Mike about the Flylady... her website is full of ideas on how to organize your home. I have been changing things little by little and I feel much better. The website is:
FlyLady website
The best thing... it is free.
Hope it helps.
Keep working on yourself, that is the most important thing.

Hope

[Paisleegreen]

Hi Hope, I just finished a post to you! It was worded weird, but DS 19 came into the room.
I was going to write to you about Flylady, I have been on her website. I was on another that had to do with hoarding, but it all disappeared, maybe it is part of Flylady.

I have a problem getting rid of paper, and certain things that I can be "creative" with. LOL!
I am seeing a new Psychologist who is leaving the hoarding issue behind. That's in the past and we aren't even going there, that is what he said. He has my files from the other Psychologist, and I like him better because he is younger, isn't afraid to work in conjunction with medicine. My other one just didn't understand that I have been clinically depressed and anti-depressants helped me to function when I, at one time didn't want to live, but prayed that I would get some help so that I could raise my 5 children and keep my husband company. Otherwise, I was in a deep depression that made me feel like I was in a deep dark hole.

Anyway, that is in the past, my children are grown, my parents passed on, my husband is being retired slowly from the business he built for the past 20 years. So he is home more, and really isn't spending time with me as in the past, which really was around our children's activities. We watch our favorite TV shows together, but we are different on healthy eating habits and being more healthy.

We are healthy in that we don't smoke or drink, he eats lots of sugary snacks and caffeinated sodas & fast food. I've cut back on my ice cream consumption and chocolate milk.

The Program...my sister is suppose to send me her CDs. She put me onto Lucinda w/her intro CD. So I called her and she told me she had the CDs and she would send them to me. I offered to buy them from her, she said, "No, I will just send them to you and you can learn the Program and send them back to me so that we can work together."

She hasn't listened to them, because she doesn't feel ready to. Which as Mike said, she could definitely use them. But she is very scattered in her thinking and does have a collecting problem and financial difficulties.
I sent her money last week and found out Sunday that she didn't go to her PO BOX yet to even get the check and mailing postage for her to send me the CDs and "more stuff".

Sometimes her stuff can be good, such as Lucinda's CD, luckily, I haven't had to receive her "stuff", but my niece/her daughter does.
So I am working on being patient, cuz I know she'll get them sent.

Thanks for commenting, I really am feeling better each day that I'm able to work on the Lessons and read your comments.

Paislee