Overcoming the fear of telling my parents "No"!

Beebers · Post by **Beebers** » Wed Sep 03, 2008 7:44 am

I am a 35 yr old woman and my parents live only miles from me. My mother and father have become so controlling, using guilt and manipulation techniques that I am at the end of my rope!

When guests come into town and over to their house, they call me at WORK and pretty much put me on the spot. "They really want to see you, so are you coming"? Of course I say "yes", or I'll hear the attitude and anger and resentment.

I confronted my dad once and he told me it was projection. So he turned it around and made it my issue.

They are impossible to confront, or even to just share feelings with, when they are the cause of any of my upset.

Please help me. Suggestions are welcome.

Thank you!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Sep 03, 2008 7:58 am

Shame on your parents. It may make you uncomfortable to do this but just say NO! For a long time I could't say no either, not to just my parents but to everyone. I let everyone control my every move so to speak but not anymore. I learned to say no and I say it quite frequently now.

It helped me to stop feeling so pressured and stressed when I realized how easy it is to say that very short word. Just say NO hon its time.

You are an adult and they need to start treating you as such. They may seem upset for a short time but they will come around when they see you mean business and aren't backing down.

Good luck and God bless,
Susan

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Sep 03, 2008 4:09 pm

sadchatterbox is right. You HAVE TO SAY NO. I would tell them I already have plans and can't come on such short notice. (And you do already have plans...even if it is just enjoying the one night you have alone at home, etc.) If it is someone you really would have wanted to spend time with...I would go as far as saying, "Mom/dad, I am really disappointed that I am not going to be able to make it/see them. Next time could you please give me some notice that way I can be sure to be there? I hate missing out!"

People usually stop using a certain technique when it stops working.

ashb · Post by **ashb** » Thu Sep 04, 2008 12:15 pm

Yep. NO is the answer. It's taken me a long time to learn this one, but it's the only answer. My dad passed away 4 years ago and since then my mom sits in her chair, depressed, watching TV all day long. Her only other thing is to tell everybody what to do and call to see, "When are you coming over?" Of course, anybody who DOES go to see her never stays long enough. "You're leaving already?" She uses a lot of control, manipulation and guilt trips, too. I go to see her every other Friday evening, to visit with her and take her dinner to her. Sometimes I enjoy our visit and other times I don't. She calls each Sunday to see if I'm coming over on Friday, so every other Sunday I tell her "No." Since she is so depressed from Dad being gone, she's not the Mom I used to know. It's hard to see her this way. My oldest sister is in charge of her care so I have no say in anything. Difficult situation. But, anyway, I got off track. Sorry. If you WANT to go visit, do. If you don't, say so. Stand up for yourself. We were supposed to be raised up to find our wings and fly. But, according to our parents, it seems, we were never supposed to leave the nest. Fly the coop and find yourself! Good luck and take care.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Nov 24, 2008 10:57 pm

i know how u feel - i am 31 and i have very controlling parents that do the same thing to me only for me it involves my son and my mothering skills. it is very hard to tell the parents to back off when they can push your buttons to make u feel miserable and they know how to push them because they installed them - i wish i had an answer for u but i dont - let me know if u find an answer because my parents always find a way go get me to go their way

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Dec 17, 2008 7:34 am

Man, does this ever hit home for me. My parents only want the best for me (so they say), but their actions keep undercutting me. As I've mentioned elsewhere on this board, my mother spent most of my teenaged years locked in her room, crying. She cried when a tree was cut down. When I brushed her away as she tried to tie a tie for me (I said I could do it myself) she started crying. I would go to my father and he would just say over and over, "Don't upset your mother." It got to the point where this past April I just cut them out of my life completely. I know I probably overreacted, but it seemed to be the only way to grow up emotionally and not be afraid to stand up for myself. My older sister solved this problem by moving to Asia.

I was watching David Letterman once and he had Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen on his program. He asked them how they managed to survive growing up in show business, and one of them said, "'No' is a full sentence. We learned that early on." I thought it was wicked.