Aggressive vs. Assertive

Prv31Mom · Post by **Prv31Mom** » Mon Mar 10, 2008 1:49 am

Hi all - so I thought I was doing better at this. I thought I was clearly communicating my needs in a more positive fashion instead of hoping that my husband would glean from outer space or soemthing (:)) what I wanted or needed. Last night, he told me that I needed to make sure I did not become aggressive because it just wasn't nice. I told him that I was trying to be ASSERTIVE, and did he think that I was being aggressive? He said that he thought I was some of the time and that a lot of people who "go the self-help route get aggressive when they take the other negative behaviors out of their lives."

I'm not sure of the instances he was referring to, but I was wondering - how do you all see the difference between aggressive and assertive? And do you think to a degree that HE may be confusing the two?

Thank you,
Dawn

bevhembree · Post by **bevhembree** » Mon Mar 10, 2008 3:33 am

I don't know much about this, but I THINK I had some dealings with it this weekend.
My ex husband never handled any finances and is trying to buy a house. He has been calling about 5 times a day and I think he can't afford the house and gave upteen reasons that he couldn't. But he WANTS that one. My son is with him, so I really care if he gets in too deep.
Well, Saturday I snapped and told him if he can't buy a house himself, he doesn't need to buy one. He's 45 years old for crying out loud. SO I ruffled some feathers. Then I calmed down, called him and said that being involved was stressing me out b/c my son was involved and I was having a hard time understanding how he would literally feed my son with that big of a house payment. I looked online for a budget and filled it in, emailed it to him and got a call a few minutes later that I was right- he couldn't afford it.
I think the difference for me in the two is that I can go overboard and hurt someone's feelings being aggressive. Being assertive leaves me feeling good and peaceful. Hope that helps a little and hope I wasn't too far off base in what it means.

Mary Wargo · Post by **Mary Wargo** » Mon Mar 10, 2008 4:09 am

I have a hard time determining this in myself sometimes too. I think I'm being assertive and I can see in the other person's face they they weren't thrilled with what I was saying or how I was saying it. A lot of it may depend on the tone of your voice, how calm you are when you're asserting yourself, and the words being used. And also, how sensitive the other person is.

Mello Nello · Post by **Mello Nello** » Mon Mar 10, 2008 5:16 am

Bev,
Isnt it funny, when people know what they are contemplating is wrong, yet they want someone to agree with a bad decision, to affirm even though they know its not a good one, they will ask someone else?
My son used to do that all the time, espeically if he was going to make a large purchase,, it was like if i confirmed he should, he would most likely go ahead, but i said yu cant afford it, he would blow up and say i just didnt want him to have it.
You did the right thing bev, you put the ball back in his court!!! by doing a budget, showing him he couldnt afford it. Unfortunately, at times when i told my son my thoughts, he would get angry and do it anyway, and then months later tell me he was in financial straits.
Being assertive isnt fun, nor does it make the person happy with you. But if you arent assertitive, they will run all over you. Dont feel bad, dont feel guilty! These changes you make, are going to make those closet to you uncomfortable for a short time, your changing! You taking care of YOU!!!

bevhembree · Post by **bevhembree** » Tue Mar 11, 2008 1:06 am

Thank you for your support. I had another round with the ex tonight. He is wasteful with money- hence purchasing an expensive home is not a good idea. But this time my son had a jogathon and we all pledged $1 per lap (us, grandparents, great grandparents). First he didn't know what the check I gave him covered. Hello, look on the sign up sheet under my name. Then when he ofund out I had already given him the check from my grandparents, he esculated the anger. THEN he realized it wasn't so smart to sponsor our son for $4 a lap. But he blamed my son (8 years old), saying heaven forbid if they don't earn some of those prizes. He ended up paying $160 in pledges so my son could get a wristband and frisbee. Hello!!!! I'd rather him just take on a shopping spree- maybe by him some clothes. (He nevers buys him clothes- My son is wearing a size too small so I had to go out and purchase clothes that fit, but they stay at my house. This is a whole other rant so I'll stop)
Anyway, He hadn't bothered to even dignify me with a hello and I didn't get a goodbye. He handed the phone to my son. After we talked, I asked for his dad back. And I told me not to get pissed and call me up being a jerk. It upset me and I didn't appreciate it and we don't act like that in my home. We have tolerance and love. He apologized and I hit some other issues and that was the end. So sorry for the ramble. I just had to unload that. Bev

alexsei521 · Post by **alexsei521** » Tue Mar 11, 2008 2:23 am

My opinion is aggressive is attacking the other person concerning what is going on not letting them know what you need. For instance, aggressive : Can't you pick your clothes up off the floor. I am sick and tired of doing it. I have other things to do. Assertive: Would you please pick your clothes up and put them in the hamper. It would really help me out.
I know this is very elementary examples but I don't know how else to say it. I have learned to really think about how I say things and maybe write them down first and look at it later.

Prv31Mom · Post by **Prv31Mom** » Tue Mar 11, 2008 2:34 am

Thanks for the feedback everyone! GOod advice about writing it down too, Alexsei...thanks!

I tried this last night - my husband had told me a few days ago that he was going to help me out more around the house...and then did NOTHING. Sunday night I went to bed and when I got up his glasses, food bowls, and assorted trash were all around his chair from the night before. Then I made breakfast and went to get my shower - I saw after he left for work that he left all the dirty dishes, etc. on the table with his newspaper spread all over the place too. Normally this burns me up! But I took a few breaths - picked everything up and planned to talk to him when I was calmer.

So last night - I was doing dishes and he came in teh kitchen and I said, "Remember when you said that you were going to help me around the house more? Well, here are two things that would really help me and make me feel less rushed in the mornings." And I told him those two things. He said he would do it...and this morning...he had picked up last night's chair-trash. So far so good.

I hope that was assertive...I didn't feel like I was being aggressive anyhow!

On the flip side - he asked me if I wanted to climb up in his car trailer and help him fix it and I said, "No." and he thought I was being mean. Go figure.

It's a continual process, I guess!

Best,
Dawn

alexsei521 · Post by **alexsei521** » Wed Mar 12, 2008 4:25 am

Dawn,
Sounds like you did really well! I will keep my fingers crossed for you that you will continue to get help. My hubby always falls back into his old ways too. So do I! I constantly need reminded to watch spending money.
take care.
lexi