Im having a very difficult time with anger, which gets me caught up in the vicious cycle of anger->anxiety (panic)->depression->anger...
I have been out of an abusive relationship with an alcoholic for 8 months now, so my self-esteem is very low. I did actually see him in April, trying to work things out. Not even a week after we were together I caught him with another girl. I have not been with him since and will not take him back even though my heart hurts so bad. There were so many lies in our 7 yr relationship (I do attend Alanon metings now). My problem is I keep dwelling on this and now I believe he cheated on me the whole time we were together. I have so much anger toward him, it's more like a rage I feel inside. I just cant stop going back to all these angry thoughts on an almost daily basis. Any suggestions? I just cant seem to jump out of this....
I am pretty much agoraphobic but have been working on getting out. My self-esteem is so low the postive talk is very difficult for me. I do have a therapist that comes to my house twice/week and helps me work on things. She knows about this program and that I am using it. I just have so much self-doubt... and so much anger...
any input greatly appreciated
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Guest
Very understandable for you to feel as angry as you do about the situation. It was an abusive relationship and he cheated on you. You have every right to feel angry towards that kind of behavior. I can relate to having so much anger towards a certain person as well. It can be very easy to get those obsessive thoughts and it can be very easy to dwell on them especially when we have alot of time on our hands or are doing things that don't need too much focus on.
There are a couple things...1 it is the behavior you are angry about. People can change at any given moment even if it seems highly unlikely. Its easier to handle the situation if you can remind yourself its the behavior.
Another thing is that when these feelings come up it may have nothing to do with the actual person but rather a distraction from something else. Use the 6 steps in lesson to and ask yourself what it is that is really bothering you right now. Is it some kind of limitation you aren't facing that you'd like to overcome? Is it something you've seen on tv?
Try to figure out if there is a pattern that happens prior to those thoughts coming up and get back to me on that one.
I am not suprised about the self-doubt by the way or the low self-esteem. Your right the abusive relationship does that and so it may take time to fix. Instead of thinking about replacing negative thoughts with positive ones, try replacing irrational thoughts with rational ones.
mIke
There are a couple things...1 it is the behavior you are angry about. People can change at any given moment even if it seems highly unlikely. Its easier to handle the situation if you can remind yourself its the behavior.
Another thing is that when these feelings come up it may have nothing to do with the actual person but rather a distraction from something else. Use the 6 steps in lesson to and ask yourself what it is that is really bothering you right now. Is it some kind of limitation you aren't facing that you'd like to overcome? Is it something you've seen on tv?
Try to figure out if there is a pattern that happens prior to those thoughts coming up and get back to me on that one.
I am not suprised about the self-doubt by the way or the low self-esteem. Your right the abusive relationship does that and so it may take time to fix. Instead of thinking about replacing negative thoughts with positive ones, try replacing irrational thoughts with rational ones.
mIke
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Guest
Thanks for the input Mike....
First, you are correct using the word obsessive, that is what my situation has become...
I like your part about being angry at the behavior....but I have a hard time not hating him (yes, I know that is a very strong word)... I know I need to let that go because I know there is no future for us, it was a very toxic reltionship.....I just cant seem to get it out of my head and be less affected....he hurt me so bad...
You may be right about it being a distraction also.....first, Im lonely..2nd, Im working on my agoraphobia and Im angry about about my limitations and anytime I get panicky or "run"...Im thinking I use my anger towards him as almost a scapegoat, to blame the reason I am like this on him so I dont have to take responsibility and therefore dont have to change....wow, that is an eye opener...I need to remember that is the past, not the present and he is not in my life anymore, so I am responsible for my own happiness...I also need to remind myself that my anger is only hurtng me, not him...
I will try to pinpoint the pattern but it just seems to be a daily continuous thing....maybe I should just work on reminding myself that what happened was the past and I am responsible for the present...I need to stay present and positive!!
also, good point about replacing irrational thoughts with rational ones...for some reason I feel like I deserved to feel the pain, first because I was so stupid to even be with him and second because Im unworthy to be happy....I know just from my therapy and the program that these are irrational thoughts....and that I should be "nicer" to myself.....that I just made a mistake, and that I am doing what is necessary to get my life on track, overcome the anxiety, and be happy...
I think part of my problem is that I never addressed the issues behind my anxiety/depressiom....I have battled this since 1992.....I never took the time to look at the causes....and this is what I need to do in order to overcome this...
Thanks some much for taking the time to respond to my post....you have given me alot to think about, and I feel more positive now...there is no reason for me to be so hard on myself....
have a great day!!
Karen
First, you are correct using the word obsessive, that is what my situation has become...
I like your part about being angry at the behavior....but I have a hard time not hating him (yes, I know that is a very strong word)... I know I need to let that go because I know there is no future for us, it was a very toxic reltionship.....I just cant seem to get it out of my head and be less affected....he hurt me so bad...
You may be right about it being a distraction also.....first, Im lonely..2nd, Im working on my agoraphobia and Im angry about about my limitations and anytime I get panicky or "run"...Im thinking I use my anger towards him as almost a scapegoat, to blame the reason I am like this on him so I dont have to take responsibility and therefore dont have to change....wow, that is an eye opener...I need to remember that is the past, not the present and he is not in my life anymore, so I am responsible for my own happiness...I also need to remind myself that my anger is only hurtng me, not him...
I will try to pinpoint the pattern but it just seems to be a daily continuous thing....maybe I should just work on reminding myself that what happened was the past and I am responsible for the present...I need to stay present and positive!!
also, good point about replacing irrational thoughts with rational ones...for some reason I feel like I deserved to feel the pain, first because I was so stupid to even be with him and second because Im unworthy to be happy....I know just from my therapy and the program that these are irrational thoughts....and that I should be "nicer" to myself.....that I just made a mistake, and that I am doing what is necessary to get my life on track, overcome the anxiety, and be happy...
I think part of my problem is that I never addressed the issues behind my anxiety/depressiom....I have battled this since 1992.....I never took the time to look at the causes....and this is what I need to do in order to overcome this...
Thanks some much for taking the time to respond to my post....you have given me alot to think about, and I feel more positive now...there is no reason for me to be so hard on myself....
have a great day!!
Karen
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Guest
Your welcome and I understand hate very well. I was sexually abused as a child who did the same thing to my mother and several other family members. My mother didn't protect me and I went to the cops about this person (who is also a family member). Now my family basically wants nothing to do with me so ya I can understand that kind of hatred. In both our situations it isn't right. What happened to us is not right but if we stay in this mind state then we can make our whole life not right. We have already sacrificed so many potential positive moments for moments of anger and misery, we deserve better then that.
It is very easy to blame other people for our limitations and perhaps what they have done lead us to where we are now but we are the ones that keep it alive if we continue to blame. Like you said you think you use your anger towards him to not take responsibility and thats what happens when we focus on blaming however these people don't make us continually obsessive about the situation. They are responsible for their actions, words, behaviors and thoughts just as we are responsible for ours. We have the power to change, its not something that lies within the hands of another. You are now seeing the situation for what it really is and that is a really huge accomplishment! You should be proud of yourself.
Yes pinpointing the pattern is a good idea and also reminding yourself its in the past and you are responsible for the present is good but also look at the reality of your anixety and depression. You never gave it to yourself, you aren't deliberately suffering just to upset other people and there are many habits you created which lead you into this condition. The reality of recovery is that it takes awhile, progress is not a straight line and so expect yourself to have days where you make progress and other days when you don't. That is the reality of creating any skill or habit and thats the reality of recovery. Progress in the beginning is slow as well and when facing your goals its good to do it in smaller pieces and to take your time (yes even if it feels incredibly uncomfortable) because this isn't something you can rush.
Yes those are irrational thoughts because you didn't know 100% that you would end up in the situation you were in by being with him, you also have to take into account your limitations and weaknesses when it came to dating and interacting with others and also what could you possibly have done to be so unworthy to be happy? You are a human so you are allowed mistakes and if what you did was similar to others then you best be punishing them as well.
I'm glad you found the post helpful. Now there are several veterans like myself going through the program again and I think you'll find it very helpful to see what the recovery process looks like.
Here is the link
Veterans Redoing the program
It is very easy to blame other people for our limitations and perhaps what they have done lead us to where we are now but we are the ones that keep it alive if we continue to blame. Like you said you think you use your anger towards him to not take responsibility and thats what happens when we focus on blaming however these people don't make us continually obsessive about the situation. They are responsible for their actions, words, behaviors and thoughts just as we are responsible for ours. We have the power to change, its not something that lies within the hands of another. You are now seeing the situation for what it really is and that is a really huge accomplishment! You should be proud of yourself.
Yes pinpointing the pattern is a good idea and also reminding yourself its in the past and you are responsible for the present is good but also look at the reality of your anixety and depression. You never gave it to yourself, you aren't deliberately suffering just to upset other people and there are many habits you created which lead you into this condition. The reality of recovery is that it takes awhile, progress is not a straight line and so expect yourself to have days where you make progress and other days when you don't. That is the reality of creating any skill or habit and thats the reality of recovery. Progress in the beginning is slow as well and when facing your goals its good to do it in smaller pieces and to take your time (yes even if it feels incredibly uncomfortable) because this isn't something you can rush.
Yes those are irrational thoughts because you didn't know 100% that you would end up in the situation you were in by being with him, you also have to take into account your limitations and weaknesses when it came to dating and interacting with others and also what could you possibly have done to be so unworthy to be happy? You are a human so you are allowed mistakes and if what you did was similar to others then you best be punishing them as well.
I'm glad you found the post helpful. Now there are several veterans like myself going through the program again and I think you'll find it very helpful to see what the recovery process looks like.
Here is the link
Veterans Redoing the program
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Guest
Im very sorry to hear that.....I cant say I understand, but my older kids who are 23 and 22 were sexually abused by their father after we were divorced....he was never prosecuted as 20yrs ago the law wasnt the same as it is now.....I do see the hurt and anger my kids feel, but I do know the anger and the guilt, even though I was not aware of it until it was too late....Im sorry to hear you had to go through that......childhood is about innocence and being taken care of.....no child should ever have to endure that..
you should write a book.....you have such an excellent way of saying things....you make me see things in a new light...yes, he was responsible for his actions, and I didnt deserve to be hurt by him, but live's no fair and I need to take responsibility for my thoughts....he continues to control me as long as I hold on to this anger...and yes, he was very controlling...I think he actually liked my agoraphobia cuz he didnt have to worry about me going out lol....
thanks so much for the praise and helping me to see my accomplishment
Im still not too good at that....but Im working on it...Im actually smiling right now
I think that's what is so hard with this condition...recovery takes time....and we want to be better now....I had my first anxiety attack almost 20 yrs ago....I have had the program for about 10 yrs......I always started to feel better and never completed the program...and as you can see, that didnt work lol...Im definitely going to look into veterans link you posted...
you are an answer to my prayer
thanks!!
you should write a book.....you have such an excellent way of saying things....you make me see things in a new light...yes, he was responsible for his actions, and I didnt deserve to be hurt by him, but live's no fair and I need to take responsibility for my thoughts....he continues to control me as long as I hold on to this anger...and yes, he was very controlling...I think he actually liked my agoraphobia cuz he didnt have to worry about me going out lol....
thanks so much for the praise and helping me to see my accomplishment
Im still not too good at that....but Im working on it...Im actually smiling right now I think that's what is so hard with this condition...recovery takes time....and we want to be better now....I had my first anxiety attack almost 20 yrs ago....I have had the program for about 10 yrs......I always started to feel better and never completed the program...and as you can see, that didnt work lol...Im definitely going to look into veterans link you posted...
you are an answer to my prayer
thanks!!
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Guest
Karen L
I agree that no child should have to go through it and i'm sorry your kids did as well. All we can do is learn and grow from it and use this to understand and help others. Also understand that suffering doesn't just happen to the victims, the people who do these things suffer as well. Unless the person is a sociopath it is very likely that they feel guilt because of their beliefs and such. I know in my case the person who did that to me is suffering and is extremely depressed. He has created his own inner hell.
Its funny I keep hearing more and more about how I should write a book and I'm actually planning to write one. I'd also like to go on tv as well which are both goals for the future. Wow your smiling despite the agoraphobia, that is great! What helps for me is to see the situation as a learning experience and as something you can use to grow and help other people. Its like a kind of trainning. Looking at the positives in a very negative situation can be the diffrence between feeling hopeless, aweful about yourself and feeling hopeful and great about yourself. I'm glad you can laugh at your agoraphobia like that.
Your welcome for everything and I do try to do my best to help out. Oh and when i'm on tv, I'll let everybody know who I am with my online name "Ninjafrodo"
Mike
I agree that no child should have to go through it and i'm sorry your kids did as well. All we can do is learn and grow from it and use this to understand and help others. Also understand that suffering doesn't just happen to the victims, the people who do these things suffer as well. Unless the person is a sociopath it is very likely that they feel guilt because of their beliefs and such. I know in my case the person who did that to me is suffering and is extremely depressed. He has created his own inner hell.
Its funny I keep hearing more and more about how I should write a book and I'm actually planning to write one. I'd also like to go on tv as well which are both goals for the future. Wow your smiling despite the agoraphobia, that is great! What helps for me is to see the situation as a learning experience and as something you can use to grow and help other people. Its like a kind of trainning. Looking at the positives in a very negative situation can be the diffrence between feeling hopeless, aweful about yourself and feeling hopeful and great about yourself. I'm glad you can laugh at your agoraphobia like that.
Your welcome for everything and I do try to do my best to help out. Oh and when i'm on tv, I'll let everybody know who I am with my online name "Ninjafrodo"
Mike
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Guest
Laughter is good and I love to laugh
it makes us appear smart remember, lol
I started reading and posting on the veteran's link last nite...I started at the beginning so Im back on lesson 2, give me about a week or so and I will be caught up
I wanted to thank you again for all of your input....my counselor came over this morning and I went to a local corner diner for breakfast with her...we ate and sat and talked for almost 2 hours....I wanted to run once but she talked me through it..I really enjoyed it and feel very postitive right now....thanks to you, as I dont think I would have even suggested it if you hadnt taken the time to right yesterday and to help me put thing into perspective and feel postive
btw, the veteran's link is aweome!!
and if you ever need a guest on your show, I'll be here
Karen
it makes us appear smart remember, lol
I started reading and posting on the veteran's link last nite...I started at the beginning so Im back on lesson 2, give me about a week or so and I will be caught up
I wanted to thank you again for all of your input....my counselor came over this morning and I went to a local corner diner for breakfast with her...we ate and sat and talked for almost 2 hours....I wanted to run once but she talked me through it..I really enjoyed it and feel very postitive right now....thanks to you, as I dont think I would have even suggested it if you hadnt taken the time to right yesterday and to help me put thing into perspective and feel postive
btw, the veteran's link is aweome!!
and if you ever need a guest on your show, I'll be here
Karen
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Guest
Awe Karen that is such an amazing post. I can tell you put alot of heart into it. I know about the agoraphobia and how challenging it can be. There was a time when I was so bad I wouldn't leave my room until everybody else in the house was asleep. Its a very very horrible feeling! To face that limitation and go to a local corner diner is amazing progress! You have a very good resource there, I mean with the counsellor going to the diner with you. Thats amazing how you are feeling so positive right now when you've been struggling so long and how you were smiling recently too. Funny how life works, I usually don't as far down on the forums page as I did. Something told me to and I'm glad it did!
Well i wasn't actually thinking of having my own show but now that you put that idea out there...maybe in the future that would work. I could be the next Oprah
I am also very pleased at the veteran thread. We got almost 1200 views within 1.5 weeks for the lesson 2 already! Thats pretty awesome!
Mike
Well i wasn't actually thinking of having my own show but now that you put that idea out there...maybe in the future that would work. I could be the next Oprah
I am also very pleased at the veteran thread. We got almost 1200 views within 1.5 weeks for the lesson 2 already! Thats pretty awesome!
Mike
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Guest
still feeling good
went to bank and drugstore by myself afterwards I was anxious, but I did it!!
Lauren, my counselor came into my life in January kinda by luck....I had my ex arrested on domestic violence (he pled it down n got 30 days) and she came through Mental Health Services as a domestic violence counselor.....she decided to stick around and help me with the anxiety/depression/agoraphobia....so I guess maybe it wasnt all bad that I got involved with him...I would have never met Lauren and I would have continued to run and hide from my condition...
Im very glad you did look farther do on the forum
Oprah's last season so there is a slot opening up for you
Im going to head to the veterans thread later when my kids go to bed....just too hectic with them awake lol
how was your day??
is that a pic of you?? you look sooooo young...
the thread is awesome....and the credit needs to go to you!!
went to bank and drugstore by myself afterwards
I was anxious, but I did it!!Lauren, my counselor came into my life in January kinda by luck....I had my ex arrested on domestic violence (he pled it down n got 30 days) and she came through Mental Health Services as a domestic violence counselor.....she decided to stick around and help me with the anxiety/depression/agoraphobia....so I guess maybe it wasnt all bad that I got involved with him...I would have never met Lauren and I would have continued to run and hide from my condition...
Im very glad you did look farther do on the forum
Oprah's last season so there is a slot opening up for you
Im going to head to the veterans thread later when my kids go to bed....just too hectic with them awake lol
how was your day??
is that a pic of you?? you look sooooo young...
the thread is awesome....and the credit needs to go to you!!
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Guest
Wow you went to the bank and drugstore by yourself after, that is amazing! You're moving along very well!
I'm glad you can see the positive in that negative situation. Its not always easy to find that but now you can focus on that if you ever do find yourself dwelling on the past.
My day was difficult, I had my own obsessiveness today but I talked through it to the person who I had a problem with and I feel better.
Yes that is a pic of me its a couple years old but ya I'm 27. I've got the whole young thing alot. About 6 months ago i got carded when buying a lottery ticket (gatta be 18 for that). It can get annoying when you are also a professional and people don't think your old enough to be one.
That thread is pretty good but I cannot accept all the credit, its a group thread. We all share our experiences, motivations, energy, progress, observations and such. I created it but we all keep it alive.
Mike
I'm glad you can see the positive in that negative situation. Its not always easy to find that but now you can focus on that if you ever do find yourself dwelling on the past.
My day was difficult, I had my own obsessiveness today but I talked through it to the person who I had a problem with and I feel better.
Yes that is a pic of me its a couple years old but ya I'm 27. I've got the whole young thing alot. About 6 months ago i got carded when buying a lottery ticket (gatta be 18 for that). It can get annoying when you are also a professional and people don't think your old enough to be one.
That thread is pretty good but I cannot accept all the credit, its a group thread. We all share our experiences, motivations, energy, progress, observations and such. I created it but we all keep it alive.
Mike