New Old Anger

Corr · Post by **Corr** » Wed Feb 06, 2008 5:10 am

I find myself, as I go through the program, discovering new anger. Things I never knew bothered me or I was angry about. I am having terrible thoughts. Thoughts I am ashamed of having and would never tell anybody. Nothing like hurting myself or others, but mean things. Some of the tamer ones are that I resent my life and feel like I chickened out on it. It is hard to explain. The biggest is my husbands sexual history. I knew about it, and knew he had a life before me. I have always accepted it and let it go. He is 10 years older than me, so knew he had been with other women. He had even told me some stories when we were dating, and even though I didn't want to hear them I wasn't mad and hurt. He even has a daughter with one of the women. But lately I am hurt and mad about them. I feel so betrayed, which isn't realistic but I can't help it. I find it hard to be intimate with him because the whole time I picture him with those women. I am on session 8 and am hoping I can start dealing with some of this soon. I am afraid it is going to ruin our already fragile relationship. There are more things than just that, and I don't know why it is all coming up now. Is it stuff I buried, or things I have invented or decided to let bother me now that I am examining my life and behavior. Help! Any advice or anybody else with the same problem.
Thanks for listening.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Feb 06, 2008 12:51 pm

Corr... I discovered new anger myself when I got to the ANGER section. I think (hope) that it's healthy; that it means we're becoming more self-aware and discovering hidden soruces of anxiety. I mean, until you can identify what's making you angry you can't decide to "dissolve or resolve" it, right?

It's hard to deal with jealousy. It's very very hard. Try to ask yourself why you are jealous of these women. Is it the way he talks about them? Interacts with them? Or is it just the very fact that he was with them at all?
Trying to identify exactly what the problem is can be a good way to start with dealing with Anger.

and remember that you're human, it's okay to feel what you're feeling, and it's just part of making yourself a better person in the long run. When you clean house, you probably have to sweep under the couch and boy do those dustbunnies look ugly! But once you sweep them out, it's much much cleaner in there.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Feb 07, 2008 4:50 am

Heidiphobia

Thanks you made a good point. I guess it is jealousy. Most of my other terrible thoughts are from jealousy also. The rest are from hurt. I think I just don't have good self-esteem and so I don't feel secure in our marriage. I know that is something I need to work on. It is just hard to deal with all these new things on top of the old ones. One step at a time though, right? Thanks for your reply.

samcat · Post by **samcat** » Mon Feb 11, 2008 6:40 am

Hi, Since I have been on the program, I find myself more angry and annoyed with my husband also. I feel as though I'm even treating him quite coldly. Mine is not jealousy but perhaps frustration that our relationship isn't as good as I would like. Sometimes I feel like I've just let everyone control my life and now I want to change it.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Feb 11, 2008 6:56 am

Jaj, could it be you are recognizing your relationship is a source of stress and anxiety?

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Feb 11, 2008 7:10 am

Corr: Go to the anger session. I had to self-talk myself for years before i started the program. My therapist explained, as does Lucinda, that these people have no idea the effects they are having on you. They aren't even thinking about you and you drag this anger with you everywhere you go. You are making yourself sick for nothing. I got it and have almost completely let go of the past. Listen to the session. And I too agree about your current relationship. My husband is making my progress more difficult. Ending a bad relationship is going to be a very difficult change. We are choosing to stay in these relationships for various reasons. I find myself angry with my husband regularly and in the Session, you are told to ask yourself, "Who am I really angry with and what am I really angry about." I have found that sometimes it's not my husband I'm angry with at all, it's me or just our situation in general and has nothing to do with him or anything he's done. I'm stuck in overcoming the stuff in Session 12 about making these changes. I listen and read until I'm blue in the face, but progress is sooo slow for me. But I'm sticking with it because I have made progress.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Feb 11, 2008 8:50 am

Corr,
Remember what Ken (I think it was him anyway) says in one of the tapes
"THOUGHTS ONLY THOUGHTS".
We can be so good at allowing those ugly, negative thoughts to get in the way of our progress at times. It's just a form of distraction.
The left over NEGATIVE part of your thinking pattern is trying to jump in there and convince you that your husband's history is actually important and something to get stressed out about. IT'S NOT !!! and you know this.
It really is just a way that we distract ourselves - our negative thinking selves - by coming up with these abundant negative thoughts so that we avoid what's really important, what's really scaring us
AND//OR
so that we can resist changing for the better by focusing and dwelling on all the negatives, real or not, and clogging up the path of more positive, empowering thinking.
Your brain is resisting change right now.
Put up that stop sign to all those negative thoughts and GO FORWARD!!!
Allow yourself to keep benefiting from the positive self talk and getting the most out of this program.
Go back and listen to session #3 as often as you need to for a bit of reinforcement.
Later, down the road a bit, you'll figure out all the little details of your anger, and it won't bother you like it does now.
Right now, let it go and learn those coping skills, practice them and hug yourself every day for each step forward you take. Cheer yourself on and go for it!!!
God bless and hugs to you.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Feb 11, 2008 9:17 am

I'm on session 3 and I've found that I'm not so angry, but more disappointed...in myself. I guess that I'm different and lucky. I've been married for 30 years and my husband has been(and is) the best thing that ever happened to me. He is super-supportive of me doing this program. I feel very blessed. I just keep reminding myself (and all of you) that all this has been going on for a long time and will take a while to change...baby steps!

Just remember we're all in this together! You are not alone.

Shifrah · Post by **Shifrah** » Fri Feb 22, 2008 8:35 am

Thank you everyone for your thoughts, advice, and input. I know what I need to do, but doing it is another thing. Progress has been slow for me also. I feel every step I take I go back three. I know I am more positive to myself and current things that happen, but I am having a real hard time shaking the past stuff. There is a lot there and I do carry it around. I don't intend to. They just pop into my head. I realize now that most of the time I let them float right back out. You can't competely ignore your past. Some days though I get caught. I do make a point of distracting myself to get them to leave. Reading and watching movies help, but then on those days I don't get much done around the house.
It is a struggle and I am still making it. I know it is a long road, and that if it were easy I would have done this long ago. I need to practice patience (hard for me), and be compassionate to myself. Good luck to you all!