THOUGHTS ON ANGER
I never used to think of myself as an angry person. I was always the good little boy that never got in trouble, was always polite, never had a tantrum, and dealt with things without getting angry or violent. Now I can look back and see that I was internalizing all my anger. I viewed it as an ugly side of me that not only did I not want other to see but also that I didn't want to see in myself.
But like any other buried emotion, it eventually has to get out. I wonder how much of my anxiety has been suppressed anger that escaped as nervousness since there wasn't another outlet. I've really never learned to express my anger well. Now when it comes out, which it finally is, I become very irritable and overly sensitive. Occasionally I'll lash out at those around me, but it's usually just a short remark. All the same, it's not the person I want to be.
I also realize that I harbor a huge amount of anger towards one of my family members. It's not what I would call a grudge since I don't wish them ill or want revenge, but rather I just need to fully express it. I did have a talk with him and let a lot of it out, but there's still a lot there since I had been holding it in for so many years. Also, even when I'm finally asserting myself, especially with this person, I tend to sugar-coat things to make them look better than they are so as not to upset them more than I have to. I realize this is a disservice to both of us.
I also have a huge amount of general anger just because I have to deal with all of this anxiety on a daily basis and that I've been dealing with it for so long. I know that a countless number of people have a life much harder that I do but the anger is still there. It's not something I can reason with. I suppose it's part of not accepting that life really just isn't fair.
PROGRESS AND EXPERIENCES
Not much unusual has happened lately. The weather has been pretty uncooperative the last few days so I haven't been able to get out an exercise until tonight. I can exercise indoors, I just don't enjoy it so it's much harder to motivate myself to do it.
I went biking this evening. Most of the time I was thinking about what I would do if I got another flat tire. Would I be able to handle it? What if I was even farther away from home than before? I was constantly checking my tires. I finally had to tell myself that it's possible that I might get another flat and I would deal with it when and if it happened. That helped to ease my mind a bit. I did go out this weekend and buy some spare tire tubes and a repair kit so that I could fix another flat while I was out riding. My biggest fear about it is that I would start panicking and wouldn't be calm enough to be able to fix it properly. I realize that there is no use in thinking this way and I just have to accept that there is always some uncertainly in life. Also, I almost always do better in reality than in my imagination when I'm "what-iffing".
Last Thursday I did push myself quite a bit more than I expected. As you know, I do most of my work from home using a remote connection to my office computer. I tried to connect Thursday evening and couldn't establish a link. I was able to access my work email using a webmail service and found out that the power had gone out and then come back on sometime early Thursday. This meant that my computer at the office had turned off during the outage and it had not been turned back on after the power had been restored. Furthermore, it was after hours so there was no one I could call to turn it back on for me.
I decided that I'd at least attempt to go into the office that evening to turn my computer back on. I made arrangements to meet my Mom (AKA my safe driving person). I was already starting to panic before I even left the house. We met about a third of the way from my home to my office. By the time we were about halfway there, I was really getting uncomfortable. I had to pull over and collect myself several times. I finally got within a few blocks of my office - I could actually see the garage - but I absolutely did not want to go further.
Finally I said "F" it (sorry, but that really what I said) and punched the gas and sped to the garage. I said a few more "F's" along the way for good measure.
. Once in the garage, I literally sprinted from my car to my desk, started my computer, and then sprinted back down to the car. I then took off from the garage...only to be stopped at the traffic light at the intersection just outside my garage. Oh man, it felt like that light took forever to turn green. Once I got a little farther from the office, I started to calm down enough so that I wasn't near panic, but I was still really anxious.I ultimately made it home but it took me a long time to calm down. Ironically, I couldn't work that night because I was so nervous from the experience. I just couldn't concentrate. I did eventually get all my hours in and I was happy that I pushed myself to go in to the office. My biggest problem is that I have a hard time viewing that success as a success. There was nothing pleasant about it. But I have to remind myself that it proves that I can handle my anxiety without anything terrible happening. It's just a hard lesson for me to learn!
Jamie
