My mother and I have always had a volatile relationship, through my teen years and now into my mid 20's. We are very similar in personality, and before getting into this program, our main means of communication was screaming at each other and arguing.
I have been trying hard to change the way I react to people. I have had great success with others in my life, I no longer explode into anger/rage in most situations. However, my mother can still get me to get incredibly angry and upset.
The main reason is that neither one of us wants to concede and let the fight go. Even if I am willing to say "No more, I'm walking away" She will provoke me as I'm leaving, trying to get me back. She knows exactly what will get me mad or bring me back in the room. How do I continue to leave when someone is trying their hardest to get me to fight with them. I try to leave and I hear her "That's right, get out. This isn't your house anyway"(I live with my grandmother, and have been since I was 11, since my mother and I just could not co-exist together.). As much as I want to leave, I feel the need to defend myself against a tirade of insults as I am leaving the room.
After an argument with my mother, I feel drained. I feel as if I am failing this program, and I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to find a way to communicate with my mother, and another part wants to just tell her to leave me be and not deal with her anymore. I sometimes feel as if she is detrimental to my mental health, while there are other times I feel as if I need her maternal support. I'm at a loss on how to deal with my mother.
How do I deal with anger when being provoked
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Guest
Hi Orion!
I just want you to know that I've read your post and realize how painful this must be for you.
I haven't thought of a solution yet.
I've read so many times that anger and rage is a result of fear.
A lot of times people just have to be "right".
You could ask yourself if being "right" is worth the pain.
I'm just guessing that both of you have a lot of pain involved in this.
I wonder if it would help if you went to a counselor together. Let a 3rd party (couselor)
monitor any 'talk' that you'd try to have with each the other.
This is truly a sad situation.
I understand how hard this is.
I do so hope you find peace.
God bless.
Mary Jane
I just want you to know that I've read your post and realize how painful this must be for you.
I haven't thought of a solution yet.
I've read so many times that anger and rage is a result of fear.
A lot of times people just have to be "right".
You could ask yourself if being "right" is worth the pain.
I'm just guessing that both of you have a lot of pain involved in this.
I wonder if it would help if you went to a counselor together. Let a 3rd party (couselor)
monitor any 'talk' that you'd try to have with each the other.
This is truly a sad situation.
I understand how hard this is.
I do so hope you find peace.
God bless.
Mary Jane
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Guest
I don't say this is the answer, but I have known people who argue as a means of communication because they are afraid no one hears them. I wonder if your mother grew up in an environment where no matter what she said, or how she said it, she was ignored? If that is why she turns all your conversations into a debate, maybe there is a solution. Try turning around, sitting down, and really listening. If she raises her voice, use your hand to motion that a lower tone is easier to hear. Then YOU practice patience and behave yourself and don't yell at her. 
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Guest
Orion,
I am so sorry you are in this situation. My father was the same way when he had a few too many vodkas. We would get into pushing and shoving matches, even the cops were called out several times as it got physically ugly. We would push, shove and I would toss him to the ground and this was to protect my mom, sister and I. Anyhow, I now realize my father had issue far beyond the alcoholism. He too knew how to push my buttons. No one would listen the crazy drunk, so he raised his voice, waved his fist, threatened, he would do almost anything for someone to listen to him because we had lost all respect for him. Not that we treated him like crap, his words and threats meant nothing and THAT is what he did not like. He was a control freak and wanted everyone in "HIS" house under "HIS" rule. There just came a time where I just had to NOT CARE anymore. I had to just accept that he was just mean, verbally, emotionally, mentally and at times physically and out him into my own emotional corner where what he said and did did NOT affect me to that degree. Sure his outbursts were obnoxious, but that is how he was...I could not change him. I had to learn to be less affected by HIM and his antics rather than go down to his level and try to reason with someone I KNEW clearly cannot be reasoned with, so why waste my time. I have NO need to defend myself against someone that I have no respect for because of the way he treated our family. I did eventually got sick of him and moved out. Did I need my father? Sure I did, but not at the price he wanted! (he refused to go with us to family counseling because HE did NOT have a "problem".) I had friends and co-workers that filled in the gaps. Actually I still am in very close contact with (he is like family to my husband and I) a man that is only 3 years younger than my mom that filled in as the father I never really had. My father was an alcoholic since before I was even born. I can not dwell that my father was not the father he SHOULD have been. I could not change him (he died 4 years ago this month) but I CAN and am VERY able to change the way I dealt with the relationship. When the moving out worked I was happy. Then I tried to call him and try to have a relationship on MY terms which was over the phone because I never could predict whether I would get Jeyckl or Hyde. That proved not to work out. I did try to visit him, but each and every time I did, we would get drunk and it would be a re-run with his crap. I finally had to tell him I could NO longer deal with him and his drinking. I walked away for 10 years and never saw him again until his funeral. Regrets? I used to, but talking to his girlfriend and others, he NEVER changed, only got more bitter, angry, etc. So I KNOW I made the right decision of knowing I did NOT have to have a relationship on HIS terms.
I am so sorry you are in this situation. My father was the same way when he had a few too many vodkas. We would get into pushing and shoving matches, even the cops were called out several times as it got physically ugly. We would push, shove and I would toss him to the ground and this was to protect my mom, sister and I. Anyhow, I now realize my father had issue far beyond the alcoholism. He too knew how to push my buttons. No one would listen the crazy drunk, so he raised his voice, waved his fist, threatened, he would do almost anything for someone to listen to him because we had lost all respect for him. Not that we treated him like crap, his words and threats meant nothing and THAT is what he did not like. He was a control freak and wanted everyone in "HIS" house under "HIS" rule. There just came a time where I just had to NOT CARE anymore. I had to just accept that he was just mean, verbally, emotionally, mentally and at times physically and out him into my own emotional corner where what he said and did did NOT affect me to that degree. Sure his outbursts were obnoxious, but that is how he was...I could not change him. I had to learn to be less affected by HIM and his antics rather than go down to his level and try to reason with someone I KNEW clearly cannot be reasoned with, so why waste my time. I have NO need to defend myself against someone that I have no respect for because of the way he treated our family. I did eventually got sick of him and moved out. Did I need my father? Sure I did, but not at the price he wanted! (he refused to go with us to family counseling because HE did NOT have a "problem".) I had friends and co-workers that filled in the gaps. Actually I still am in very close contact with (he is like family to my husband and I) a man that is only 3 years younger than my mom that filled in as the father I never really had. My father was an alcoholic since before I was even born. I can not dwell that my father was not the father he SHOULD have been. I could not change him (he died 4 years ago this month) but I CAN and am VERY able to change the way I dealt with the relationship. When the moving out worked I was happy. Then I tried to call him and try to have a relationship on MY terms which was over the phone because I never could predict whether I would get Jeyckl or Hyde. That proved not to work out. I did try to visit him, but each and every time I did, we would get drunk and it would be a re-run with his crap. I finally had to tell him I could NO longer deal with him and his drinking. I walked away for 10 years and never saw him again until his funeral. Regrets? I used to, but talking to his girlfriend and others, he NEVER changed, only got more bitter, angry, etc. So I KNOW I made the right decision of knowing I did NOT have to have a relationship on HIS terms.
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hipmommaliv
- Posts: 2
- Joined: Wed Jan 24, 2007 3:14 pm
This may not be worth much, but if I were you and while working this program I would seek to emotionally and physically detach from your Mother. You learned a very unhealthy and dysfunctional [doesn't work] way to communicate with your Mother at a very young age. It appears this way of communicating has gone on for a long time and it will take a lot of effort to change it. That change is dependent upon both you and your Mother.
This relationship reminds me of an alcoholics relationship to alcohol. I think you need a complete break from it to heal and grow emotionally. Maybe in 6 months to a year you might be ready to try and communicate with her again, when you feel you have grown and worked the skills of the program to where they are more or less second nature to you.
Here is one idea taught in the program and CBT [cognitive behavioral therapy]: What you think and dwell on, and therefore, how you behave is your choice. No one makes you think, behave or respond in a certain way, you choose how you will think, behave and respond. No one controls your mind, thoughts, and behavior but you. You must give something said to you meaning before what is said impacts you positively or negatively. You have the power and ability to behave independently of how your Mother behaves.
I fully realize how hard this is going to be for you to change. And I realize your Mother needs to also, but that is her choice, no one else's. I would recommend 6 months to a year of being physically and emotionally detached from your Mother and working Tape 6 and the rest of the program before trying to relate to her again. I'd also recommend trying to find out what your Mother's parents were like and how she grew up as a child. Somehow she didn't learn that yelling at a child is totally inappropriate. It sounds like her emotional growth stopped before she reached her teens and she's still stuck.
I think yelling starts when a person senses a lack of respect. They want to command the other person to respect them by yelling. The truth is that when yelling starts respect is totally lost for the one who is yelling because yelling is a behavior which shows no respect for the person being yelled at. At that point I would suggest that there is no point in trying to communicate any longer. No one is listening or trying to understand at that point.
Orion, you were born with God-given worth that is not dependent upon your Mother and how she responds to you. You are worth getting better and recovering and living an enjoyable, purposeful life no matter how your Mother chooses to behave towards you. The more you work this program and develop healthy self-esteem, the more you will believe this and be capable of acting independently of, and not in response to, your Mother's behavior. You can change. I hope such change will make your Mother want to change as well.
This relationship reminds me of an alcoholics relationship to alcohol. I think you need a complete break from it to heal and grow emotionally. Maybe in 6 months to a year you might be ready to try and communicate with her again, when you feel you have grown and worked the skills of the program to where they are more or less second nature to you.
Here is one idea taught in the program and CBT [cognitive behavioral therapy]: What you think and dwell on, and therefore, how you behave is your choice. No one makes you think, behave or respond in a certain way, you choose how you will think, behave and respond. No one controls your mind, thoughts, and behavior but you. You must give something said to you meaning before what is said impacts you positively or negatively. You have the power and ability to behave independently of how your Mother behaves.
I fully realize how hard this is going to be for you to change. And I realize your Mother needs to also, but that is her choice, no one else's. I would recommend 6 months to a year of being physically and emotionally detached from your Mother and working Tape 6 and the rest of the program before trying to relate to her again. I'd also recommend trying to find out what your Mother's parents were like and how she grew up as a child. Somehow she didn't learn that yelling at a child is totally inappropriate. It sounds like her emotional growth stopped before she reached her teens and she's still stuck.
I think yelling starts when a person senses a lack of respect. They want to command the other person to respect them by yelling. The truth is that when yelling starts respect is totally lost for the one who is yelling because yelling is a behavior which shows no respect for the person being yelled at. At that point I would suggest that there is no point in trying to communicate any longer. No one is listening or trying to understand at that point.
Orion, you were born with God-given worth that is not dependent upon your Mother and how she responds to you. You are worth getting better and recovering and living an enjoyable, purposeful life no matter how your Mother chooses to behave towards you. The more you work this program and develop healthy self-esteem, the more you will believe this and be capable of acting independently of, and not in response to, your Mother's behavior. You can change. I hope such change will make your Mother want to change as well.
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Guest
P.S. People are angry for a lot of reasons. I notice your mother goes on attack to "get" you back. There is a lot of desperation in your words and her behavior. Have you ever been in a heated argument with someone, and when they started to leave, you said something so unacceptable, just to get them to turn around. That is desperation. She seems to be desperate for the very things she does not know how to get. Please notice that I have not reached our Anger session level yet, so my advice may be worth a 7 cent dime. 
Last edited by pecos on Sun Jul 20, 2008 12:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Guest
Hi Orion!
I can relate to your situation- my mom and I have never had the greatest relationship. I think this is partly because I've always been a very reserved and independent person (even as a little girl). My mom and my little sister are "best friends" and not only is the favoritism frustrating, but it hurts. I do have to say that I know she loves me and she's ALWAYS been there for me.
Anyway, what I can relate to most is the fact that you and your mom argue instead of communicating. Ever since I moved out for college, we've always had at least 6 1/2 hours of much-needed separation. It never failed, I would go home over the holidays, and there would wind up being an arguement. One year over Easter, I packed up and left early because I simply didn't want to deal with it.
I wouldn't say our relationship is hostile, it's more like "who's right"- just like Mary Jane said. Anyway, a couple weeks ago I was talking to my acupressurist and he asked what stressed me out. Naturally, one of the things I said was visiting my mom, and I explained the situation. He responded by stating that before I even leave, i more than likely get myself all reved up for anticipating an arguement (now I have a 7 hour drive), and likewise, she's expecting one, too- usually over something REALLY stupid. By the time we actually see each other, it's inevitable.
He suggested that next month when I go out to see her, having a very laid-back, "so what" attitude... if she wants to weave baskets underwater- do it. Who cares? Basically, the bottomline is that if we're both anticipating an arguement, and I eliminate the possibility of one by being agreeable, (she may resist it at first- habit) eventually her level of resistance will come down and we can enjoy our time together.
This said, (IF it makes ANY sense???
) please remember I have not tried it yet... HA! But I'm willing to give it a shot, and it did seem logical to me at the time.
Best wishes,
fischee
I can relate to your situation- my mom and I have never had the greatest relationship. I think this is partly because I've always been a very reserved and independent person (even as a little girl). My mom and my little sister are "best friends" and not only is the favoritism frustrating, but it hurts. I do have to say that I know she loves me and she's ALWAYS been there for me.
Anyway, what I can relate to most is the fact that you and your mom argue instead of communicating. Ever since I moved out for college, we've always had at least 6 1/2 hours of much-needed separation. It never failed, I would go home over the holidays, and there would wind up being an arguement. One year over Easter, I packed up and left early because I simply didn't want to deal with it.
I wouldn't say our relationship is hostile, it's more like "who's right"- just like Mary Jane said. Anyway, a couple weeks ago I was talking to my acupressurist and he asked what stressed me out. Naturally, one of the things I said was visiting my mom, and I explained the situation. He responded by stating that before I even leave, i more than likely get myself all reved up for anticipating an arguement (now I have a 7 hour drive), and likewise, she's expecting one, too- usually over something REALLY stupid. By the time we actually see each other, it's inevitable.
He suggested that next month when I go out to see her, having a very laid-back, "so what" attitude... if she wants to weave baskets underwater- do it. Who cares? Basically, the bottomline is that if we're both anticipating an arguement, and I eliminate the possibility of one by being agreeable, (she may resist it at first- habit) eventually her level of resistance will come down and we can enjoy our time together.
This said, (IF it makes ANY sense???
) please remember I have not tried it yet... HA! But I'm willing to give it a shot, and it did seem logical to me at the time.Best wishes,
fischee
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Guest
Orion hasn't even responded and I am afraid I am acting like a bossy parent here. I apologize. We all are injecting our own relationships with our parents. My parents were terrific people and I had good relationships with them, and would but I could give that to Orion. We want this sad unhealthy situation to turn out good. I think the energy of all this talking is the same. We really care, or we wouldn't be so interested. Kind regards to all. Pecos.
P.S. Session Six can offer bushels of help with this problem. Maybe only help you, and not your mom, but it does address so much that you are dealing with. Hang in there. Keep us posted.
P.S. Session Six can offer bushels of help with this problem. Maybe only help you, and not your mom, but it does address so much that you are dealing with. Hang in there. Keep us posted.
Last edited by pecos on Tue Jul 22, 2008 12:27 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Guest
Pecos,
I deleted my last post because I realized you probably were not referring to my first post after I read the posts again. We're merely expressing our own opinions to Orion based upon our own experiences. Orion can take them or discard them at her choosing.
I don't know who is being bullheaded, but your last post shows regard for the welfare of all of those who posted to this thread. I for one appreciate that. Your opinion is just as valid as any one else's and I think the advice about getting counseling has potential if that is what they decide to do. I agree with you that we want the best for them both. Again, your thoughtfulness for the welfare of all of us that posted is appreciated. 
I deleted my last post because I realized you probably were not referring to my first post after I read the posts again. We're merely expressing our own opinions to Orion based upon our own experiences. Orion can take them or discard them at her choosing.
I don't know who is being bullheaded, but your last post shows regard for the welfare of all of those who posted to this thread. I for one appreciate that. Your opinion is just as valid as any one else's and I think the advice about getting counseling has potential if that is what they decide to do. I agree with you that we want the best for them both.
Again, your thoughtfulness for the welfare of all of us that posted is appreciated. -
Guest
Thanks everyone for responding and giving much needed support and advice. I truly appreciate being able to turn somewhere when I feel at my lowest.
It's been an emotional couple of days. I have decided to take a step back from our relationship, to give me time to think things out and get a better perspective on the situation and how to handle it.
Reading everyone's advice has helped me to better realize how to deal with this all. I do hope that one day she will agree to see a counselor with me, but I guess she is just not ready for that. I have finally come to understand that I am only 50% of this relationship, and if anything is going to change for the better, I cannot be the only one willing to fix this. I still have hope, that time and learning to control my own reaction to situations, will one day help to ease the tension and get us started on the road to a mended relationship.
Again, that's to everyone that responded. Its a comfort to know that I am not always alone in these situations, and can turn to others for advice and support.
It's been an emotional couple of days. I have decided to take a step back from our relationship, to give me time to think things out and get a better perspective on the situation and how to handle it.
Reading everyone's advice has helped me to better realize how to deal with this all. I do hope that one day she will agree to see a counselor with me, but I guess she is just not ready for that. I have finally come to understand that I am only 50% of this relationship, and if anything is going to change for the better, I cannot be the only one willing to fix this. I still have hope, that time and learning to control my own reaction to situations, will one day help to ease the tension and get us started on the road to a mended relationship.
Again, that's to everyone that responded. Its a comfort to know that I am not always alone in these situations, and can turn to others for advice and support.