Today, i do not feel good about myself at all. I went though session 5 in a hurry. I felt like i understand that the food and caffeine i intake every day affect my anxiety. I agree and i'm doing what I can to cut back (It's hard!)
the real problem lies in the way my mind is thinking today. I feel guilty. I feel self loathing. It comes from three things that I can think of right now.
The first, there is a guy i am dating and I work with him. I am in Customer Support and he is one of three supervisors of my department. He is my age (a few months younger) and not my direct supervisor. We have been secretly dating since about October. During this time, he has become increasingly nervous and scared about us being found out. He rarely invites me out to do anything, he is really bad about returning my calls and texts. But he still will do small special things for me here and there...he makes extra coffee in his coffee pot for me every morning. He is encouraging me as i go through this program. Telling me how happy he is for me that the day was good. Yes, often, he is the source if my anxiety. I just feel like i'm putting in so much effort to this relationship, and he's too scared to let it happen. I end up hurting and wondering why he won't call or why he says one thing and does another. I've told myself that my expectations of him are too high, so i've tried to lower those, but i don't think that asking him to call me or to return my calls and spend some time with me on the weekends is asking too much. i'm upset because i don't deserve this, but i'm not willing to give up on it yet. And, i'm caught in the middle....
I also hate that i'm ruining my beautiful hair. For years I have pulled my hair out. When i was 14 i had long beautiful, thick hair...now it is thin and uneven and damaged. I have spots where my hair has been almost completely gone from my head before. I hate that i pull, but i don't even know that i'm doing it most of the time. It gets worse as i get more anxious. I won't wear my hair down because it is so obvious that my hair is damaged. I don't want people to look at it. I'm embarrassed and angry that i pull. I don't know how to stop it. I've tried keeping my hands busy with a stress ball, or some other object. It just keeps going back up to my head and pulls out another hair. I'm scared and i'm upset.
Thirdly, I need to get a new job. I hate the job i am at. I don't like what i do in customer support and I want a different job. I would love to do something in training. Like training in new employees that we hire at my company or do some kind of project management or coordination. The problem with the company i'm at right now is that the people in those positions are not moving out of them anytime soon and so i am stuck sitting in Customer SUpport until I can get out. Because i am still in customer support I cannot openly be with this guy i'm dating. He won't commit to the relationship fully until one of us no longer works in that department. He told me that right away. I am angry about the job thing because I am allowing myself ot be lazy and have let my fear of looking for a new job stand in the way. Looking for a new job is hard, and it take a lot of time. I am nervous and I don't know where to look to get the job i want. I'm very frustrated and thus, i don't feel very good about myself.
I guess i just needed to vent. Mainly, if anyone else pulls their hair, or did and stopped....please please please tell me how you are coping or how you stopped. I need this to stop immediately. It scares me to death.
not feeling very good about me
-
YoyoyoMo,nica
- Posts: 39
- Joined: Tue May 30, 2006 7:33 pm
Megan Joy
It sounds to me that this guy that you work with isn't the right guy for you, that or he isn't ready to have a relationship right now. If a guy can't return your calls or texts then he isn't the best person to be in a relationship with. That or he is busy when you are calling him. I wouldn't let any person take away my joy and keep me from living my life to the fullest.
The hair thing, I haven't ever done that myself but you should do something to replace it like pop a rubber band or do something that you can take with you everywhere. All it is is a habit that you have to break. It is something that you need to get under control though because you say that it is making you feel bad about the way you feel about yourself. You should just sit back and relax and take a deep breathe and start making you feel good about you because others shouldn't make you feel bad about yourself. I hope that you will take this advise to heart because there are too many people out there that make us feel bad about ourselfs and if someone that you are dating are the ones doing it then you shouldn't be around those people at all. God bless you and I hope that you can find others that make you feel good about yourself and stay away from those that bring you down.
Jennifier
It sounds to me that this guy that you work with isn't the right guy for you, that or he isn't ready to have a relationship right now. If a guy can't return your calls or texts then he isn't the best person to be in a relationship with. That or he is busy when you are calling him. I wouldn't let any person take away my joy and keep me from living my life to the fullest.
The hair thing, I haven't ever done that myself but you should do something to replace it like pop a rubber band or do something that you can take with you everywhere. All it is is a habit that you have to break. It is something that you need to get under control though because you say that it is making you feel bad about the way you feel about yourself. You should just sit back and relax and take a deep breathe and start making you feel good about you because others shouldn't make you feel bad about yourself. I hope that you will take this advise to heart because there are too many people out there that make us feel bad about ourselfs and if someone that you are dating are the ones doing it then you shouldn't be around those people at all. God bless you and I hope that you can find others that make you feel good about yourself and stay away from those that bring you down.
Jennifier
-
Guest
Megan,
I know a little bit about secret relationships myself. The harsh reality about them is this, if it has to be kept secret, then it can't be that healthy. I was with a guy who wanted to keep me secret from his children, because our kids knew each other. Ok, not sure I see the logic in that, but I'll go with it. Anyway, I kept thinking why can't we all (kids and all) just hang out together, why is this "secret?" I am a beautiful, loving, intelligent person who would have been great with his children. Heck it's what I do for a living!!! But he insisted. And now I'm not with him. Here's what you need to keep asking yourself, "Is this relationship worth all of the self doubt it conjurs up?" Do you want to waste any more time wondering why he didn't answer that text. Because it goes against everything that we are learning here. If it makes you feel bad, or think badly, then don't do it. I don't care how cute he is!!!
Also, I'm a bit of a hair twirler myself. You should see my bathroom sink. Wish I had a cure for this but I don't, just really thin hair.
I know a little bit about secret relationships myself. The harsh reality about them is this, if it has to be kept secret, then it can't be that healthy. I was with a guy who wanted to keep me secret from his children, because our kids knew each other. Ok, not sure I see the logic in that, but I'll go with it. Anyway, I kept thinking why can't we all (kids and all) just hang out together, why is this "secret?" I am a beautiful, loving, intelligent person who would have been great with his children. Heck it's what I do for a living!!! But he insisted. And now I'm not with him. Here's what you need to keep asking yourself, "Is this relationship worth all of the self doubt it conjurs up?" Do you want to waste any more time wondering why he didn't answer that text. Because it goes against everything that we are learning here. If it makes you feel bad, or think badly, then don't do it. I don't care how cute he is!!!
Also, I'm a bit of a hair twirler myself. You should see my bathroom sink. Wish I had a cure for this but I don't, just really thin hair.Megan,
The term for hair pulling is Trichotillomania .
There are medications that can help you with that. This program can be of help to.. Since the program is cognitive behavoural therapy, many doctors say along with medication, you can control the hair pulling.
I dont know you personally, but i do understand many companies have policies that employees or managers and employees arent allowed to date each other, and if they are caught its automatic termination.
So, maybe this is what the guy you like is worried about? For now,, I hope you will just focus on YOU! and doing the program. I think it might help you more. Get some skills so you can began to use them,, to help your stress and anxiety! I wish you the best! Nelly:)
The term for hair pulling is Trichotillomania .
There are medications that can help you with that. This program can be of help to.. Since the program is cognitive behavoural therapy, many doctors say along with medication, you can control the hair pulling.
I dont know you personally, but i do understand many companies have policies that employees or managers and employees arent allowed to date each other, and if they are caught its automatic termination.
So, maybe this is what the guy you like is worried about? For now,, I hope you will just focus on YOU! and doing the program. I think it might help you more. Get some skills so you can began to use them,, to help your stress and anxiety! I wish you the best! Nelly:)