The Challenge...Lesson 5

[Karen L]

I am on the road to recovery. There may be speed bumps, wrong turns, traffic, and I may even get lost, but I am moving in the right direction. I am in control of my life and thoughts. I am the one that creates my anxiety and I can stop it also.


not feeling too well today..getting a cold and Im sure it will turn into a sinus infection...

ended up calling my ex and yelled at him today....I did alot of thinking.....and for some reason I think the meeting last night really upset me....Alanon meetings are alot like AA meetings, you basically do the 12 step program.....even though I was anxious while at the meeting I remember them saying the 12 steps.....and one of them is to admit we are powerless over alcohol....I thought to myself last night and this morning "what the heck!!! Im not powerless to alcohol...he is!! Im not staying in the relationship so why should I admit I am powerless??? I am strong enough to leave this alcoholic, so I am stronger than the alcohol!!"....that is what really bothered me at the meeting....but it was more subconscious until I really thought about it...does this make any sense?? Am I not thinking rationally?? I dont have the problem with the alcohol and Im tired of hearing excuses for alcoholics.....he treated me like crap not the alcohol.....I need your guys honest opinion.....do you think Im better off sticking with the meetings and blaming the alcohol and that Im just being irrational...or am I rational, that he was just a jerk that drank and I dont need his crap (instead of blaming the alcohol I am blaming him)??


Mike

I read everything you wrote......thaks for the reminding me ofthe positives I did by just going to the meeting

thanks so much for your input on the sweets and smoking.... Im going to work on cutting out the sweets first, then I'll tackle the smoking....

how are you today?? feeling any better?? I understand that you were upset with yourself for not standing up for yourself and for going along with your friends lie....but remember, you you are at least aware of it....now next time you can work on being more assertive...this is a process and it takes time.....but heck, you were thinkig about yourself and how you dont want to be treated that way!! that is a major step!! you are actually looking out for you!! congrats!!!


THH


thanks for your input also....I take in what everyone says and really try to incorporate into my life....youare so right about thinking positive

I am going to only work on one obsatcle at a time....but Mike did have some very good info on the smoking.....I do have the book "The Easy Way" I believe it's called.....and it kinda re-trains your brain to think like a non-smoker and to learn to hate smoking....also teaches you how to deal with the withdrawal....I read it about 3 times over the last year and it seems everytime I read it I hate smoking more and I want to quit more....so I may start reading it again

sounds like your doing great!!! keep up the good work


really not feeling to well so Im going to be heading to bed...have a great evening everyone

[THH]

Karen,
I have known people who have gone to AA. Some of them are really cool people. There are alot of others that appear to be total jecks with or With out alcohol. Some people are just Jerks!
I don't know much about Alanon, but AA is all about healing and being honest with yourself. Honest about what alcohol does to you, and how it affects your life as well as all others around you esp. those you love. You can't begin to heal until you admit you have a problem with alcohol. Some people just don't care, about them selves or others.

I guess I am on your thinking level, I vote rational! He has the problem. He needs to own it.

Hope you feel better! Its going around...I feel like a turkey at thanksgiving.

[SeaRunner]

Mike -

There were a couple questions you posed I wanted to answer. Regarding the supplements, here's a short list of some of the benefits for the ones you questioned :

Vitamin B Complex --> Helps coping with stress and depression, increases overall energy, aids in healthy digestion.

Vitamin D --> Boosts immunity, helps prevent certain diseases including cancer and MS, helps maintain normal blood levels of calcium and phosphorus.

Omega 3 Fatty Acids - lower risk of heart disease and cancer, helps with cognitive functions such as memory and performance, reduces inflammation.

Vitamin D is one of the interesting ones. It is one of the only vitamins produced naturally in the body. Specifically we produce it when we our skin comes contact with sunlight. In this case, sunscreen can actually be a bad thing since it interferes with the production of vitamin D. People living away from the equator tend to produce less vitamin D because of the limited sun during winter, hence certain diseases are more prevalent in those areas.

In response to your question about my running from the last session, I run don't run slow, but I'm not super fast either. I tend to keep my pace such that I can keep up for a longer distance. Most of my height is in my torso, so my legs aren't real long. That slows me down a bit compared to someone my same height with long legs.

When I'm in really good shape, I can run a mile in 7 to 7.5 minutes and still keep up my distance. Right now I'm not in peak condition and my pace is more like 8.5 to 9 minutes per mile. So to answer your question, a three mile (5 km) run can be 21 to 27 minutes depending on my pace. If I run longer, I typically slow my pace a bit so I don't burn my energy too quickly. My longest runs are about six miles, but I don't do them very often.

Sometimes I'll do interval training where you mix sprinting with jogging over set time periods. This type of training increases speed and stamina. It's really quite draining compared to a normal run and not my favorite way to exercise.

Regarding nutrition, one of the problems I run into is that I'm allergic to all tree nuts and peanuts. So almonds, almond milk, walnuts, peanut butter, and such are all out. It's unfortunate because nuts are very common in almost all the current diets and are recommended as good snacks because they are relatively healthy and can keep you feeling full longer.

Jamie

[SeaRunner]

Mike -

A few observations. As you know, I'm gay too. I also lament about how I spent my youth and how I might do things differently now that I know what I know now. But this type of thinking is useless since the past is gone. Instead, we can only look to the future and use our past as a guide. We know what we would like to change and we have our future to accomplish it. Somethings we can never undo or attempt again. For those things, we just need to let go. There's no point in dwelling on the impossible.

I remember that I bought Queen's Greatest Hits when I was younger and still in the closet. One song I really liked was "Don't Stop Me Now". I remember someone made a derogatory comment about it and I became ashamed to listen to it. I didn't know beforehand that Freddy Mercury was gay or that he had already died of AIDS. I put the CD away for nearly ten years before I started listening to it again after I came out. I can't believe I allowed others to dictate what I should like. But like most people, I was easily influenced by peer pressure and just wanted to fit in. Not anymore. I'm my own man now! So let's go rock to some Queen!

For those of you that are interested, here's the song:
Don't Stop Me Now

I also have a personal question and I don't want to offend you. From your posts, it sounds like a number of your friends aren't very considerate of you or take advantage of you. Do you think that you might be gravitating to a certain type of personality that isn't very good for you? I can't imagine any of my friends doing some of the things you've described. If they did, I don't know that I would keep them as friends, especially if it was a trend that continued. Do you think you might be drawing yourself to negative relationships as some sort self-punishment as though you don't deserve better? Just some thoughts.

Jamie

[SeaRunner]

Karen -

Thanks for the kudso on my quote/mantra! I thought it would be appropriate to pick something that fortified my goals for the session.

Congratulations on the good work you did with the Alanon meeting. Just getting there is a success. Staying for there for ten minutes is just icing on the cake. I'm also impressed that even after you left, you didn't immediately rush home to your safe place but rather went out driving. Way to push your limits.

I'm curious, and I don't mean to put you on the spot, but if you know that your ex causes you all sorts of negative feelings, why do you keep contacting him? Are you trying to address unresolved feelings? At some point, do you think you will be able to let him go? I just hate to see you keep putting yourself in this negative situations when you know that you keep getting hurt.

Jamie

[SeaRunner]

THH -

I love that you've come to the realization that you don't have to base your self worth on the views of others. Your story about showing you horses and "friends" basing your worth on whether you won or lost is unfortunate but typical. I don't understand why people can be so trivial and cruel. But you're much better of with friends that like you for who you are, not whether they can ride your coattails. The other thing is that by making the choices you have, you've increased your own self-esteem and confidence and I can tell you that nothing attracts people as much as someone who has a strong, but not arrogant, self belief.

Jamie

[NinjaFrodo]

In response to THH;

Wow so people there were that close minded and superficial? That is a good lesson and example of how people can think and how its not good to base anything about yourself on what they think. I think your right, alot of the time people think just as irrationally as we do about things.

Worrying about what others think isn't really about what others think and is more about what I think about me. I'm more worried about my judgement towards my self...those other people just bring up those old memories from my past and my thoughts. Well seeing them does as it really has nothing to do with them at all.

Thank you, I have actually spent so many years feeling bad because I wasn't feeling things like everybody else, because I was so numb. Especially with todays bad news.

The program helped you out that much eh? So what have you noticed since you started the program the first time around? What things have you changed, grown through, improved on and feel confident about?


Karen L;

Sorry your getting sick. I wonder if you are like me in that you get so angry that you actually become sick. Keep in mind anger does supress the immune system.

I don't know too much about Alanon meetings really so its hard for me to say. Who are these meetings specifically for? Are they for people who are still in relationships with alcoholics or to people who have been before?

I also do not agree with this idea of powerlessness. We cannot control the alcoholism of another person directly and we can't really make someone stop taking it. That one we don't have much power but we still have options like distancing ourselves from those people and not listening sharing in those problems so they don't get that attention for being in the condition. That we can do. This is what I assume they were talking about. I think they were talking in the context of the alcoholic.

You definately were stronger than the alcohol and you left him.

Blaming in general isn't going to help you at all. He treated you like crap yes however because your insecurities, anxiety and depression you ended up staying with him. You didn't deserve a single moment of it but because of your pain and fears you enabled it to go on for awhile. He didn't make you stay with him, your anxiety and depression did. He is also not making you relive all the anger in the present. I'm not saying this to try to upset you but as long as you continue to blame him you are giving yourself the message that you can't do anything to stop feeling hurt and that is not true. You are in control of yourself, don't give that power to someone else.

I had a hard time with that anger and actually called that friend today. I forgave him and he forgave me and we talked about how we felt. He was talking about his feelings about the situation and I immediately got defensive as I kept thinking he was telling me that I had no right to feel the way I did. I wasn't very assertive at all actually. I mean I partially listened to what he had to say and kept trying to say how I was feeling. He understood where I was coming from and we both know what to do if this ever happens again. I don't have so much of a problem looking out for myself in situations like this. I mean because of my family situation I have a huge problem with being excluded and left out. It is one of the worst buttons that cause me tons of anger! But you're right I did stand up for myself and voiced my opinion.


Mike

[NinjaFrodo]

In response to Searunner;

Hmm I might just start taking some of those suppliments myself then...I do get omega 3 and 6 in my protein powder.

Thats good with the running. I struggle to run at a moderate pace just because I start to get light headed and really dizzy. Maybe I just need to do it some more.

Thats really unfortunate to be allergic to nuts. You must have to cook all your meals. I can find some recipies that you can make on your own. I usually don't eat too many nuts myself. Vegetables can also make you feel full longer as well. I know my problem isn't as bad as yours but I can't consume dairy so I know how annoying it can be to buy things. There is however rice milk which we can both have and rice cheese.

Yeah I remember you are gay too. Your right I can't do anything about the past, it already happened but I have many present moments and many more in my future. This pain can be a motivation to not allow anybody to control me or make me feel bad ever again!

I let many people dictate how I should live my life and it really makes me very angry. I would want to rip someone's head off if they try to do it now. I never was a big fan of queen but its intresting how you already had a gay idol before even knowing it. I bet that made you feel better once you figured that out. I think well my favorate show is Xena Warrior Princess and well their characters were probabbly bisexual but they were still very strong, respected and accomplished alot. They were very happy as well. yes i know it was a tv show but still. Maybe thats the kind of mindstate I want to imagine when it comes to doing the things I want to do.

I have never heard this song before. It definately suits the mood and situation very well.

There was only really 3 of them like this. One I did stop my contact with. I think I may still attract some of these types of people but for the most part I am having more positive people come into my life. I'm not sure why I attracted those people but the other 2 aren't all that bad and I do enjoy spending time with them. There are just certain situations that can come up with those people that really bother me. I think keeping some distance might be more beneficial for me.


Mike

[NinjaFrodo]

My goals today are acceptance, putting effort towards my skills and interupting negative habits. As long as I follow these goals, I will end up becoming that person I want to be and have that life I desire, that will be inevitable and I don't need to worry about it. I spend my time nourishing my mind and my body with positive productive things.

Monday;

My great aunt died today. She had parkinsons and was dying for a couple years now and was recently placed in palliative care and just died earlier today. I found this out on my way to the gym and I didn't spend too much time with her but growing up I did see her at least once a year when she would come visit with her husband and my other great aunt. It just makes me feel really empty. I feel sad but not crying and I have felt like I should be more upset but I'm not.

I also called my friend to forgive him about the party situation. He forgave me too and we talked about how we both felt. He had planned that evening for his friend who had his birthday in June or July but many of his friends couldn't go so my friend planned to have those friends come for this party. I didn't know the other guy and so he just wanted his "family" as he calls it there. I said I was just going to stay for a beer and then leave but was having fun and he was getting really mad because he thought I felt entitled to stay and that I should have said that to him and asked if I could stay. I wasn't really listening to what he was saying and was getting defensive and justifying things. I was feeling used when he told me to leave and I absolutely hate being excluded. He told me I could have just said that I was having fun and asked if I could stay and he would have said yes but i'm not so sure. He also said he called back because he really did feel bad about kicking me out of his place. He said I should have known that he didn't want me to stay because he put so much into it but I told him I can't read his mind, i don't know what he is thinking. He also said something about well so what if I think of it in a perfect way you should just accept that and then talk to me about it the next day. He is almost completely opposite of me. We do have some fun times and watch alot of movies and such together. He has also gone out of his way to help me when nobody else did. I will never get into a relationship with him but he is still helpful.

Relaxation
Relaxation cd in the am;
Ya I used it and it was ok

Negative thoughts
1)I'm still so very angry, I should have said all of what I felt when he first asked me to leave.
[should, all or nothing]
->He got the idea that I was upset and he saw his mistake and appologized. I have learned not to just accept off the bat what someone suggests as if it was written in stone. People do think in unrealistic terms and don't take into consideration other people. Everyone is entitled to mistakes. He didn't mean to hurt me and it isn't the end of the world that I got hurt. I know this anger is not producing positive things. I am addicted to feeling angry but it doesn't correspond with any of my goals and pushes me further from them. I refuse to relive the situation in my head, I will interupt that anger cycle and focus more on more productive feelings and thoughts.

2)I don't have enough time to finish with the affirmation scripts
[Should]
->I don't have to do it all right now, I can split it up among several days, thats no big deal.

3)I have to get the scripts done now. I need them if I'm going to recover.
[should, all-or-nothing]
->Everything I do towards my goals help me become that person that I want to be. No one thing is going to fix me but it can help alot. It isn't going to jeopardize my progress if I take my time and I can stretch the positive feelings I get while doing the affirmations over a couple of days.

4)I feel really overwhelmed. Its not worth going through all these affirmations.
[Emotional reasoning]
->I feel overwhelmed because I am expecting too much out of myself in a short period of time. I am going to break this down into smaller goals and take my time so I can enjoy myself instead of stressing myself out.

5)I'm too tired to do anything, everything is just going to stress me out.
[fortune telling, emotional reasoning]
->Just because I feel stressed right now doesn't mean I am doomed to feel this the rest of the day. I am going to focus on the things I am greatful for, the person I want to be and the benefits of my actions. I'm going to take my time, watch what I eat and do enjoyable things and that'll make me feel better.



Mike

[NinjaFrodo]

Monday food;

Breakfast;
raisin bran cereal with 1 tbsp carob powder, 3tbsp soy protein powder, a handful of all bran cereal and some hot water. I also had a tea

2nd breakfast;
Pork chop, bagel and water

Snack;
Taro root sugary garbage

Lunch;
half a pita bread sandwhich (turkey breast, lettuce, onion, pickles and some honey dijon mustard), protein smoothe (Vega protein + soy protein + 1 banana)

2nd Lunch;
Rest of pita bread sandwhich and protein smoothe

Dinner;
2 scrambled eggs with chopped onion


I drank some water throughout the day.


Mike