What do you do when someone frequently says negative things about you, to you?

pecos · Post by **pecos** » Wed Jun 25, 2008 9:59 am

I don't know how to deal with this, and I've looked at all the posts here hoping someone already asked. What do you find works when you are around someone who has a habit of saying negative things about you, to you, all the time. Surely someone has found a really good solution for this? I begin session three tomorrow, so if this is covered in later sessions, I haven't got there yet.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Jun 25, 2008 2:10 pm

Pecos,

You will find this covered in lesson 7... In the meantime: tell the person how hurtful their comment is-each and Every time they make a remark. "Perhaps you didn't think how that remark would sound to me...That remark hurt me." Another strategy that often works, Ask why. "Why did you say that?" I hope this person is someone you do not have to be around?

I wish you well-no one deserves to be put down. It sounds like the other person has low self esteem and is trying to get you to keep him/her company

When people do such things they tell us more about themselves than about us. Carolyn

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Jun 26, 2008 2:59 am

Thank you very much. I do have to spend time around this person almost every day. I wrote your reply out on a card so that I can quickly refer to it. When hurtful negative things are said, just out of the blue, all the time, it throws me off my center. I know that sounds stupid, because I know the negative remarks are coming along anytime now. But, I'm never prepared. I've held out for years that this stuff will stop. I've even tried being especially kind, even generous, to this person. That seems to make the negative remarks increase! Your reply is helpful, and I will try these today! In the meantime, I have begun listening to session three today. And, I will keep heading down this trail toward session seven. It is helpful and hopeful to know this is specifically addressed in program 7.

R.T.E. · Post by **R.T.E.** » Thu Jun 26, 2008 3:14 am

Pecos,

Just my opinion, if someone was saying negative things to me or about me I would not associate with that person any longer. It sounds like the person doing this to you may be a family member. It doesn't matter who they are distance yourself from them. You are obviously trying to make your life better. Surround yourself with positive people.

beyond · Post by **beyond** » Mon Jul 07, 2008 9:28 am

pecos,
carolyn pretty much took the words out of my mouth. but i'll add my experience.
this started happening at work for me recently. i tried everything i knew to do--then, finally--i asked for a transfer and got it. (i wanted to be at a different location anyway.)
i think it's good that you understand how this affects you.
stand up for yourself! and be patient. lesson 7 really helps.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Jul 20, 2008 3:38 pm

I always felt that if someone has nothing to do but to throw negativeness at you or pick on you and say bad things, you already have the upper hand because your mature mind does not feel the need to retaliate (at least thats what I get when I read your question) but to identify why and rationaly put an end to it. Confront this individual whoever the person may be, ask why they feel the way they do. There is nothing wrong you it is the other person and as long as you can keep that thought in mind, Im sure you can find a salution. I hope this makes sense and helps! =)

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Jul 21, 2008 5:02 am

I really appreciated all the tips here, and I want to update this post. I took Carolyn's reply to heart, wrote down her advice on cards, which I keep handy. So far, I have handled this problem with that person by using Carolyn's recommendations. The one that works fastest is: "Why did you say that?"
I don't like conflict, and I just usually listened to this stuff and tried to put it elsewhere, and now I learn in Session Six I was storing up a bit of

, and this part of the program allowed me to see where I was putting it: on a shelf in my mind, where I sometimes revisited the negative stuff that came from others, and I worried over whether it was true or not. I have since found out, it was not true. It is the other person's low self esteem talking. This was a big winner for me, and I think has helped me enormously. Thanks to each of you, and a bunch of flowers to Carolyn for the advice. Pecos.

Deb 45 · Post by **Deb 45** » Mon Aug 11, 2008 5:34 am

This is a dormant post but I just had to comment on what Carolyn said in her post to Pecos regarding when people say negative things about you, to you. Her reply was "when people do such things they tell us more about themselves than about us." How so very true. I never thought of it this way. I will keep this in mind and I think it will make a big difference in how I feel about myself when/if this happens to me. Thank you Carolyn.

MC Grace · Post by **MC Grace** » Fri Nov 14, 2008 4:59 am

Hi CG822 -- I am bumping this thread to the top to answer the question you just asked on another post. Please read Carolyn's reply here. It is worth a bundle, and helped me put a stop to a person who did this to me regularly. This advice cannot be repeated often enough because people who want to tear us down will not stop. WE have to change. Best of luck to you.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Jan 28, 2009 2:06 pm

My boss picks on me. This is a very hard situation. She is good friends with the head of our dept. (her boss) This is a lose lose situation for me. As a matter of fact, I am now on a three day unpaid suspension from work. The telling someone theyve hurt you wont work for me. I pissed my boss off last friday & I knew she was going to get me. Just didnt know her "getting me" was going to be so severe. On top of all of this, I have a very low self esteem. I try so hard to please, but nothing I do helps.