A Mother's broken heart

Barb G. · Post by **Barb G.** » Sat Jul 19, 2008 4:23 am

I could have posted this in the parent section but since I've been dealing with depression the last 2 days I thought I'd post here. I hate it so much when the depression comes back for more than a day. I'm trying to push forward like what I read and already know in my heart to keep on keeping on. I'm not sure what is triggering this again but I do know after talking to my mom a little while ago I have a very broken heart. My heart is broken because of my 31 yr old son.

We were at my daughter's housewarming party last night. My son recently got engaged. He is so rude, argumentative and immature. This has been going on for a long time. My mom went on and on on the phone about how rude he was last night when he wouldn't even give up his seat for his girlfriend to sit on. She gave up hers. She's 78 why should she give up hers. I can't do anything about my son. He has to grow up. It certainly didn't help any talking to mom cuz she went on and on. I told her several times I needed to go. I ended saying, "I REALLY need to go mom, I love you."

I could write a book about my son and his rudeness and lack of respect. I know he may be going thru his own depression. He's much like me but would never go on medicine. He also won't take supplements to help with depression or ADD. We think he probably is bi-polar like me. He admits being ADD and says how sometimes he hurts his fiancee but she overlooks it because of that. He recently was rejected from the police school for becoming a state trooper. This started in March with around 250 and he was narrowed down to 45 and then he was out. I know this has been very hard on him. His girlfriend is looking for a different job. He is to be the breadwinner not her. He has a job at the post office only on Sat. and sometimes works at the fitness center as they need him. I've prayed for my son till I'm blue in the face. I cried out to God again this morning. Can someone please help. My husband is also waking up in the middle of the night with pain and I think this heartache for him could be part of it. I know there's lots more with the economy, his job, worries and fears but I'm sure our son is part of it. I welcome your comments.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sat Jul 19, 2008 4:41 am

Hi Barb,
Your letter this morning really touches a lot of issues, every one heavy enough to make a person depressed. I don't have children -- and don't want to pretend I know what it feels like to have a son who is hurting and taking his hurt out on the family. But it obviously is causing everyone to suffer, and that's an issue you have a right to discuss with him. A grown child does not have eternal permission to throw a tantrum and upset everyone else to get attention. I hope I'm not being too critical, and if I am, I hope someone else posts here and lets me know. There are so many good rx solutions for bi-polar disorder these days, but that's your son's choice and his doctor's choice. Hard for you, because you know what he should do. But grown children, partners, parents, none of these people always do what's best for them, or for the others who they are around. If he were my son, I'd sit him down and tell him what was in my heart. After that, it's up to him. I will keep an eye on this post, and I want to know how you are doing. Kindest regards, Pecos.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sat Jul 19, 2008 6:05 am

barb....Im so sorry your struggling so....Its hard when we "think" we know what someone else should or shouldnt be doing. Sometimes people are the way they are cuz they feel its what people expect. I mean you did say yourself that you spent the day after speaking with mom on how badly he behaived.....

First off hes a grown man 31 years old if this is him this is him.....when we love someone we have to love all the things about them good and bad. Fiance is a grown woman as well if she wanted to sit down she might have asked to sit, perhaps he thought she might like to stand, but then when gramma offered a seat she took it out of respect. I dont mean to be a stinker but why do you spend precious time worrying about how he acts......if he does something you dont like say right there thats not very nice please dont act that way....and leave it there. But you wont change a person we all learned that from the program.....so my best advice is to find the good in him.

Lets see hes 31 hes engaged to a very tollerant woman that loves him ( I assume since you say she is understanding and accepting of his ways) so thats wonderful....he may not have made the police force and thats sad but keep trying....encourage him to keep going not everyone getting all down in the dumps like well you didnt make it what now. Be positive say its a learning experience honey and your gonna get in just keep at it! He does have a job a small one but he does have one and he continues to work when hes needed....some people just sit around and do nothing hes trying.

I think your being too hard on him your spilling his life into yours....we have to let people be who they are and if hes not causing serious harm to anyone then let him be he will find his way.

Its not up to you to decide if he takes medication for his issues hes a grown man....no one will tell me what I should and shouldnt do. You know better than that Barb. Your the mother....you want the best for child but the best thing you can give a child is unconditional love....unconditional acceptance.....it will make the pressures you feel of trying to fix everything so much lighter. and maybe he will turn things around with the RIGHT type of encouragement.

Shame on you for gabbing with gramma on how he acted.....why not be happy he was there to visit. Why not be happy he has a lovely fiance....why not be happy that he is working when he can. Do you see a pattern here?
I hope so your a smart lady Barb look what your doing to you, your son and your hubby.......let it go....be happy....dont worry so much.....gotta let those little ones fly.....its the only way they learn.

I hope you didnt find this to be attacking its wasnt meant to be. Im trying to offer good critiscim we all need it once in a while.
Love you girl.
Dodger

lost but lookin · Post by **lost but lookin** » Sat Jul 19, 2008 1:55 pm

Thanks for your responses. Pecos, Both his Dad and I have tried to tell him what's on our hearts. In his eyes, he's always right.

Dodger, I did appreciate your advice. It's really made me think. I do very easily get sucked into other peoples problems. It certainly was not an uplifting conversation with mom. Funny, this was the first time she wasn't tearing down my aunt (her sister). It's because she was tearing down her grandson instead.

I do need to look at what he does and not what he doesn't. Somehow I need to praise him more. I'm sure he probably feels he can't do much right in our eyes. It's hard to praise him when he has this know it all attitude. It's really probably insecurity. You're right about him working. It's not like he's lazy. He usually does have some kind of work.

I just had my husband read your post. He said you sound like a really good friend. I had to come back and read it over several times. I had to ponder it because at first it did kinda hurt but then they say the truth hurts. I've had a terrible worry habit for years. Doing the program twice still didn't help me break it. In fact I've been making myself depressed by worrying about a lot of different stuff. Will I ever break this horrible habit? If you have any ideas on that, please let me know.

My husband also said I don't give encouragement because I never received it. I really do need to lighten up more where both my kids are concerned and my son-in-law and soon to be a daughter-in-law. Thank you again and I look forward to your reply or anyone elses.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sat Jul 19, 2008 2:10 pm

Hi again. Can you stand another story? I have a summer helper on my ranch (yes, I really do live on a ranch). He is a college kid, and ranch work is not his forte but he tries, and it takes him five times longer than the chore ever took me to finish. BUT, he tries. I always tell him how much I appreciate his help, and how much I appreciate HIM. He smiles with his whole self when I compliment him, and I mean every word. I still think your son is having tantrums for attention,

BUT I agree 100 percent with Dodger. Maybe the attention he wants is just to know you appreciate him for something. Dodger gave you some tough love kind of advice. It is very good advice. As for your mother's negative habits, she is only repeating what was always done to her. Remember Lucinda telling us on the Session Three Coaching DVD that when we get good at Self Talk, we can teach it to our loved ones? Take care. Pecos

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sat Jul 19, 2008 2:10 pm

Wonderful! I just read these posts and realized how loved you are Barb! To get truthful, heartfelt feedback is awesome! I loved how you reread the post, and evn had your husband read it. A lot of people would have felt attacked. I could tell though that Dodger was just giving you a whole other way to look at things! A great friend, as your husband said.

Wishing you all the best!!

Ivy

pecos · Post by **pecos** » Sat Jul 19, 2008 4:59 pm

Thanks again. I love you guys!!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sat Jul 19, 2008 5:19 pm

(((((BARB))))))) hugs hugs hugs hugs

Barb. I am 23 and don't have any children. . So I am not good with the advice BUT i know that you're an amazing person and everything happens for a reason and you will be in my thoughts. Your son needs to help himself. I am so sorry you're depressed. I DO know that feeling! Keep yourself busy, Barb. Even when you don't want to go out. . go out. Barb, Please, I know its hard but try and distract yourself. . Its hard I know. . read an inspiring book. You know and I know the depression will pass. It'll go away. Keep being positive. You are a great person!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Jul 20, 2008 2:16 am

I give you SO much credit Barb for reading and rereading Dogers post. If it were directed at me, I might have felt hurt too. But reading it as a third person, it really makes sence. Logical sence. And like you said, sometimes the truth hurts. But the fact that you can step back and recognize a bad habit of worrying (which if you or any of us didn't have, we wouldn't be here in the first place). The first step is always to recognize the habit. And it seems like you did recognize it through this thread. Did that realization help ease the intensity of the sadness? If so, maybe try to recognize it on your own next time. Not to beat yourself up (which I'm kind of a pro at

, but just say, "Oh, ok, this is that bad habit I have again of worrying." If you at the very least recognize when your in the middle of feeding a bad habit, maybe you can at least try to replace the dialog.

Yeah, i know this is far easier said than done. My worst episodes are when I let the negative thoughts fester.

And don't worry about how many time you need to review the program, you've learned to think they way you do over a lifetime. To think that it will just go away after a 10 week program , personally, I don't think is a healthy expectation. But each time you go throuogh it, I bet you gain one additioanl skill that you didn't have before.

Karilynn · Post by **Karilynn** » Sun Jul 20, 2008 3:04 am

Barb Im so glad you read the post with an open mind and Im touched that you shared it with hubby....you will break your bad habits...I promise it can be done. Remember we have lived almost a lifetime with these patterns and thats the ONLY reason they are so tough to break becuase we are used to them we do them like we breath we dont have to think (funny cuz its the thinking that gets us into trouble ) but you know what I mean.

Your doing a good job...your open to change and I know you can do the work. You have an amazing husband...give that man a squeeze you got a partner that really CARES about you and your family. Thats fantastic!

Barb I have been in your shoes sometimes I would say what on earth would I ever say if it wasnt a gossip or a complaint. Not very much fun for others to be around and the ones who were determined to be around me (family) started to pick up some of those habits.

Change is hard but its doable. Of course we will always make little slips and thats OK it happens Life is always going up, down and all around so we are bound to get a little confused but you stand up dust off and start over.....thats the beauty of it all....

Hang in there Barb you can do it. Next time you talk to son you recognize the desire to want to lead him.....and when it comes on say in your STOP and redirect. You watch in a few conversations you WILL see change and it will get easier and easier to do.

Love you BARB!
Dodger