Living With Dysthymia

[JM41144]

I know no one wishes they had depression, but I wish I had Major Depressive Disorder (MDD). I know this sounds odd. But I’ve been diagnosed with Dystymia, and given the choice I’d rather have MDD. All of the self help books I’ve read or scanned through focus on MDD: what it is, how to recognize it, how to deal with it and then get back to “normal” Many books mention Dystymia in passing, only to define it and then dismiss it. It’s the Rodney Dangerfield of depression. It doesn’t get no respect.

Dysthymia is a chronic condition. It’s usually defined as low mood lasting at least 2 years and characterized by such symptoms as low self esteem, guilty feelings, difficulty concentrating, difficulty making decisions, thoughts of death. That’s my “normal” It’s with me constantly, like Churchill’s “Black Dog”. I also have depressive episodes brought on by external factors. That’s why, as I’ve recently learned, Dystymia is also called “Double Depression” Lucky me: 2 for the price of one.

The easiest way to describe it is feeling like Charlie Brown. *Rats* Nobody likes me. I can’t do anything right. I can’t kick a football, fly a kite or write with a fountain pen. The Red Hair girl doesn’t know I exist. I’m wishy-washy. Many people who have MDD have difficulty getting out of bed, handling responsibility or performing daily tasks. That’s not me. I’m the most reliable person you know. I never miss a day of work (OK 1 day in the last 12 years. Nobody’s perfect). Every bill gets paid on time. I’m where I’m supposed to be when I’m supposed to be there. I’m the Rock of Gibralter. Or so it seems from the outside. Inside I feel insecure, inferior to all others, shy, awkward, afraid of embarrassing myself, can’t assert myself, passive. I have no talents, can’t play a musical instrument, can’t fix anything, no area of expertise. What a self image, huh? But I’m a very nice person, pretty well educated, and … uh…ummm…Hmmm. Well, I’m stuck. I really can’t think of much else. (Well, I do have a sense of humor).

Dysthymia doesn’t pass like “regular depression” And a person who has it may not recognize it as a form of depression. The symptoms are subtle. This is your every day state of mind. A person going through a Major Depression is more likely to recognize it because their feelings are so different that their normal self. They feel, well depressed. Dysthymia is sometimes referred to as a “mild” form of depression. See?. What did I tell you, no respect.

I finally recognized my feeling as possibly being depression about 4 ½ years ago. I went to a psychologist who diagnosed me with having Dystymia and anxiety. One of the curses of Dysthemic Disorder is treatment resistance. My therapist assured me early on that CBT works for most people. I interpreted that as “Most people, except me”. I found talk therapy to be just that: talk. Didn’t help a bit. In fact. I felt more depressed because I was now thinking about it all the time. Denial had been my way of dealing with it. Medication didn’t help. I tried 5 different medications, and the side effects I experienced included: inability to sleep, rapid weight gain, sexual dysfunction, fatigue, hunger & rapid heart beat. The only one that had any effect on me was Celexa, and that was temporary. I felt the benefits ebbing away after 2 months. Even when I increased my dosage, it had no effect. I quit medication after trying for a year and a half. I was left feeling the way I had before, but with a 40 pound weight gain. Just what every depressed person needs: another reason to feel bad about yourself.

Dystymia is like a dirty snowball. It accumulates more negatives as you go through life. You remember only the failures. As a parent, I’ve forgiven my daughter for every mistake, dumb, and hurtful thing she’s done. Yet, I can’t forgive & forget when it comes to myself. Dysthymia comes with a long and selective memory.

But I do give myself credit for not giving up and having hope. I first saw the infomercial for the program about 1 year ago. I believe it was Christmas Eve. I’ve watched it many times since then. I find it inspiring and hopeful. I recently purchased to program and listened to the first 2 CDs. Much of it makes sense. I have to admit that I’ve been too busy & distracted to do the exercises. But I know the success comes from the “doing” and not just the listening. I believe one really has to “attack” depression. It won’t go away on its own. I really do want the “rest of my life to be the best of my life”. So, I am looking forward to working through the program.

If there is anyone who can relate to this, please feel free to weigh in on the subject. As I said, I go through life feeling like Charlie Brown. But remember, he doesn’t give up. He’s still determined to kick that football.

[coachchris]

JM,

This is Coach Chris and I am a part of the coaching team here at Stress. Thank you for your post. I am interested to hear what you think about lessons 3 and 4. I really respect the hard work you have put into understanding your story and growing through it. I think the program is a good fit for you. You want to take control of your life and become a confident, positive person. You do have to attack this. It takes effort and it's worth it. We are here to help you.

Please email if you need anything at all.
Coach Chris StressCenter.com

[estherbunny]

What you wrote could have been written about me. I have been depressed all my life. I have tried practically everything to treat it, but, for me, anti-depressants do not work, and a few drugs have worked for a week or two, then they stop working. So, I am at the point where I realize I have to live with this, and try other lifestyle changes that may help. CBT is very hard for me to do. I have so many automatic thoughts that I can't seem to "catch" them. But I liked coach Chris's suggestion to write down your top five, and then write a positive response in its place, and also to just tell yourself (when you have a negative thought) that it is not helping you, and you need to let it go. I wish I had some helpful hints. I am reading a book now called"The 10 Best Ever Depression Management Techniques", and that has some good suggestions that I am trying to put into effect. But it is a struggle. And, like you, it has been this way my whole life. I wish you every success. I would love to know how you are doing, as I don't often run across someone who's history is so much like mine.

[JM41144]

Hi Estherbunny! Thanks for your comments. I've never known anyone who has felt as I do. Glad to know I'm not alone, but sorry that you struggle with it as well. I'm finding the program to be valuable. I think lessons 3 and 4 have helped. I've cut down a lot on my negative think about myself, blaming myself for small imperfections, and beginning to be more self confident and patient wit myself. I have a``long way to go, by I'm encouraged. Hope you make your own progress and find peace within yourself.