Depression and relationships

Jacquelin · Post by **Jacquelin** » Tue Jun 02, 2009 11:14 am

I am wondering if anyone has a problem with their relationships due to depression. When I think rationally I know that depression clearly influence relationships. However, I am sometimes so anxious and depressed that I doubt my love for my boyfriend. I also have obsessive scary thoughts and have been pushing him away for quite some time due to them. It’s like the cliché I love him but I don’t feel in love. Just three months ago I did though. I have so many ups and downs that it is hard to make a decision. I desperately want to be happy with him like I used to be and the indecision is killing both of us. So, I was just wondering if loss of certain emotions like this is common in people with depression.

Jessica N · Post by **Jessica N** » Tue Jun 02, 2009 1:43 pm

I know what you mean. I love my boyfriend more than anything and want to be with him forever. He makes me happier than I have ever been. But when I feel anxious I automatically think its because of him and that we're not meant to be together. I know its not true, but then I think why would I think it, what if deep down somewhere its true. I hate it. I know its a scary obsessive thought..its probably one of the worst things that could happen to me and I am using it as a distraction...it is really frustrating..i am working really hard at overcoming this scary thought and I will...It is hard work though. It's nice to hear someone out there with a similiar experience. We will overcome this. I have no doubt.

Bees4me · Post by **Bees4me** » Sat Jun 13, 2009 11:42 am

Jacquelin & Jessica N,
I have been married to my best friend for 10 years and we were friends for 15 years before that. He has NEVER done anything to hurt me, and I still have to stop myself from thinking that it's just a matter of time before something bad happens. "I love him but I don't feel in love" is something that I relate to more than I'd like to. Noone has ever been so good to me, but I'm not in love. It's not everything, but it's important. He's so good to me I can't imagine anyone else treating me so well, so I often wonder if I have the ability to love. But yes, depression distorts all of our thinking. It's natural to want to find a reason for why we feel how we do, and it's easy to project it onto someone else. But I'll bet we feel differently in a few weeks. I'd like to check back with you and see.

pecos · Post by **pecos** » Sat Jun 13, 2009 1:06 pm

This is such a good topic. The ups and downs, the wide ranges in your emotions, the surges of loving feelings followed by twinges of doubt, all of these are symptoms of how your depressed brain works. It's one of the primary reasons Lucinda emphasizes you want to wait until after you complete this program before you make big life changes, such as those of changing or ending a relationship. What we think becomes what we believe. If our thoughts about another person change, our beliefs about them change as well. There is no way we can know what's in their minds. But while depressed, it's so easy to fill our minds with what we think they are thinking. By working through this entire program, and truly mastering session 3, you will change your brain chemistry, thus you will change your brain. Your depression will lift.
We are what we think we are. The same way we think ourselves into depression, we can think ourselves into a positive happy mindful way of life.

Goober25 · Post by **Goober25** » Mon Jun 15, 2009 2:59 pm

Pecos -

You nailed it on the head. That's all I can say about your post right now because I'm exhausted but I will write more tomorrow.

Thank you for posting that!

matthewz · Post by **matthewz** » Mon Aug 03, 2009 12:52 pm

Jacquelin, I don't know if this will help but here goes:

I know exactly how you feel. My doubtful thoughts make me feel absolutely crazy. There have been many fights and many tearful talks that have started because I let my anxiety get the better of me and I say things that are on my mind, but am not sure are real. Most of the time I don't know what is real or fiction (not in the literal sense, but when it comes to my own feelings). I am going through a tough time right now so I can't give the most positive advice, but I say seek a therapist, relationship counselor, something so that you don't make the same mistakes that I did. I feel like my relationship is going to end because of my anxiety and the bad choices I made...

susan gp · Post by **susan gp** » Tue Oct 13, 2009 5:07 pm

Hello, don't know if anyone is still on this topic since it was started in june! I am on my second week and have been having a very difficult time with the recent separation of my spouse a couple months back! I know that he has lost all love for me secondary to my depression! He has said so! I just hope that this program will help me be better so the same doesn't occur with my children!

Gilles Blais · Post by **Gilles Blais** » Sun Oct 18, 2009 2:31 pm

Originally posted by Jacquelin:
I am wondering if anyone has a problem with their relationships due to depression. When I think rationally I know that depression clearly influence relationships. However, I am sometimes so anxious and depressed that I doubt my love for my boyfriend. I also have obsessive scary thoughts and have been pushing him away for quite some time due to them. It’s like the cliché I love him but I don’t feel in love. Just three months ago I did though. I have so many ups and downs that it is hard to make a decision. I desperately want to be happy with him like I used to be and the indecision is killing both of us. So, I was just wondering if loss of certain emotions like this is common in people with depression.

Gilles Blais · Post by **Gilles Blais** » Sun Oct 18, 2009 2:43 pm

Originally posted by Jacquelin:
I am wondering if anyone has a problem with their relationships due to depression. When I think rationally I know that depression clearly influence relationships. However, I am sometimes so anxious and depressed that I doubt my love for my boyfriend. I also have obsessive scary thoughts and have been pushing him away for quite some time due to them. It’s like the cliché I love him but I don’t feel in love. Just three months ago I did though. I have so many ups and downs that it is hard to make a decision. I desperately want to be happy with him like I used to be and the indecision is killing both of us. So, I was just wondering if loss of certain emotions like this is common in people with depression.

I don't even know if you will receive this reply
or not because I'm new to this site. However, if
you do, I can say that when you are challenged
with mental illness, you cannot work on relationships. You have to find yourself first.
When you're ok with yourself inside, then you
can begin working on a relationship, not before!
Most people think that they will be happy when
they find the perfect relationship but that's
not the way it works. Take care of the way you
feel inside first! Then your relationships will
work. You have to be happy and at peace with
yourself first!

Thanks for sharing
Gilles

Gilles Blais · Post by **Gilles Blais** » Sun Oct 18, 2009 3:09 pm

Originally posted by susan gp:
Hello, don't know if anyone is still on this topic since it was started in june! I am on my second week and have been having a very difficult time with the recent separation of my spouse a couple months back! I know that he has lost all love for me secondary to my depression! He has said so! I just hope that this program will help me be better so the same doesn't occur with my children!

Hi my name is Gilles. You may not be able to
save your relationship. What you need to do is
find yourself first. You need to practice and
change your negative behaviors and beliefs. This takes a lot of work. But you can do it!
I understand your challenges very clearly. Please call me so we can discuss your issues.
I'm more than happy to help you. (705)522-4961
Give me a call.
Gilles