Very Lost

[Music614]

Good Morning,

My name is Katie/Kate..... which ever works. I am 30 years old. I am an out of work (again) music/band teacher. I have been married for almost 3 years, but have been with my husband for 11 years.

I am about 5 days into this program and so far I have found it to be a little bit emotional listening to the intro cd and session one. In addition I did have a couple good days, but last night I had very bad evening as I got into an argument with my husband. I don't feel that I have as much Anxiety , buy for sure my battle with Depression and Anger has really taken over my entire life. Since I graduated college in 2005 I have had multiple job losses and had to start over each time. (Currently I am looking for work again for the 6th time in 7 years.) I am a hard worker and a dedicated and talented teacher, but have been delt with a hand that I can't seem to win at. Once I think I getting somewhere or there is a light at the end of the tunnel, the opportunity gets kicked out from under me.

My husband on the other hand has had the same job for all 7 years and has much success in his career. I am happy for him and proud of him, but admit I am jealous. Because of the job loss, and the stress it has taken on me, I feel that my depression has come to a new low. My husband and I have not been able to take a honeymoon yet, nor have had a vacation together in over 8 years. I had a plan for my life and it is out the window and now that have swallowed my pride and accepted the fact that I might have to make a career change, it scares me because all I know is teaching. Things have gotten so bad that I can feel or sense that my own extended family doesn't want to be around me.

I have HORRIBLE mood swings, in which I'm fine one moment, and just seem to snap an over react to the simplest things. I cry over almost everything. Anger, sad, happy, whatever, I cry. I gained weight and don't feel good about my appearance.
I have really put myself and my husband through hell and back as we have had many many fights. Though we hug and kiss and tell each other we love each other everyday, we haven't made love in over a year. I know that it's because of the fighting. I often belittle him or put him down because I feel I don't get the support from him I need. But deep down I know he can't help me because he really doesn't understand what I'm going through. My husband really doesn't know what to do when I cry. It has gotten to a point where it is stressful for him when I cry. The stress from the fighting has taken a toll on my husbands physical well being as well, as he gets bad stomach pain and indigestion.

There is a pattern when we fight. It almost always begins around 9 at night. In a fight my anger is so intense and so strong that I feel like something just takes over my body and mind. There comes a moment when my head races and spins so bad I have to sit on the floor with my head in my knees rocking back and forth. I am getting emotional as I write this. My husbands way to handle it is to walk away and calm down. But this puts me in a more destructive rage.

I have the blessing/curse of being able to see/understand things from different angles. I say curse because quite often I have trouble making decisions about what to do, act, or say. I had plans and goals in my life and I have feel I have no control over anything. I have always wanted to be a mother, but I won't have children under the circumstances because I know that financially we really would end up on welfare and possibly homeless. I am scared for myself, my marriage, my husband and my future. I have done everything I can think of to keep from drowning, and giving up is not something I can do very well. I don't know what to do about my job, my personal mental situation, the bills piled up, and I need help.
I have done counseling countless times in my life and it hasn't worked. I have read books, and tried different meds but they only help temporarily. I am truly lost.

Any comments or suggestions are welcome. I am hoping that this program will be my victory. I have been fighting depression for most of my life, I need a miracle.

Thank you, Katie

[lucy knepp]

Hi!
My name is Lucy and I have been in the program two years but just recently became involved with the forums and mini chat. I have found that sharing is helpful. Practicing the techniques taught in the program gets me through some tough moments. Sometimes they work....sometimes they don't. Never give up. Stay with it. Lots of nice people here willing to help through offering uplifting words of encouragement and telling their story.
My story is that I have suffered from depression mostly but also anxiety since I was a child. I can remember times of sadness even at age 4.
The CD's I found most beneficial are 'self talk', 'expectations' and 'what if thinking.' Do your best with it all but don't let it stress you out. If you need to step away from it for a while, do so.
Hope to talk with you soon
Lucy form Pittsburgh, PA

[coachchris]

Hi Katie,

Thank you for your post and for your decision to commit to the program. I was 30 years old when I began to makes changes in my life too. My marriage wasn't going so well either and I had let fear/anger/depression make a lot of decisions for me in my 20's. I know the program will give you the tools to make change happen. In the back of your guidebook there is a section for the support people in our lives. You can read through that and highlight anything you would like your husband to be aware of as he supports you through this journey.

Pay close attention to the subject of "control" in Lesson One. Do some journaling around, what do you want to control and why? Also, underneath most anger is fear. If you can find the fear and begin to examine that, you will be making some good progress toward peace. Is there any fear of failure?

I would love to schedule a free coaching call with you. We would spend an hour together on the phone and help get you feeling better faster and on the right track. Just PM me and we can set something set up.

Keep your dreams alive. You will make them happen!

Coach Chris

[Music614]

Good Morning Lucy & Chris,

Thank you both for your wonderful and helpful responses. I have found that this program is pretty insightful and more helpful in one week than all my years of counseling. Lucy, I too remember being very sad a child, around 5th grade as a result of bulling. And, yes I too believe that I am mostly and primarily depression. I have noticed that journaling is helping too. I have some days that I write 2 or 3 pages worth because my thoughts are flowing so fast.

Chris, I have been hoping that 30 is my turn around year, and it helps to read so many stories. It helps to know that there are so many others in a similar situation. There are days that I feel very alone. I definitely would like to chat with you. (what do you mean by PM you? post message??) Sorry still new to the abbreviations. Thank you both. I am feeling pretty good this morning. I finally told my husband last night that I have started the program. I could tell he was a little worried and hesitant because of the high cost, but he didn't say so. I showed him the program and told him I have been doing it for a week now.
He was seemed happy that I was trying something to help myself again.

Thank you both again! This program has been a blessing so far!

Katie