First time posting...Need to vent

[chan44]

i am SO very thankful for the CD's. I am only on lesson 3 and I am starting to realize that my depression started when I was a child. My parents were alcoholics, I was married an abusive man for 17 years and then married a verbally abusive man. When I left my 2nd husband he was very controlling and I was a puppet to fear. He is now serving time in prison for trying to kill me. He will be released in September of this year. My Mother was diagnosed with breast cancer shortly after the incident with my ex. I am now married to a wonderful, loving, nurturing man. I know the lord put him in my life. I was NEVER going to get married again and Brian was never going to get married period...He was a true bachelor, never married, never lived with a woman, never had a girlfriend over 2 years and drank daily (not anymore). Me..I was married twice, have three beautiful daughters from my first marriage, and a Grandma. NO WAY was Brian going to get mixed up with that. LOL. Fate brought us together and he is my definite soul mate. Thank you LORD!!
Five years ago I was under a huge cloud of darkness, depression and anxiety due to my second husband. I was finally getting out from under neath it all when a recent series of events happened.
Feburary of 2011 I received a call from my (then) 18 year old daughter who lives in another state. She was beaten up by three girls and had to have surgery to reconstruct her cheek bone. I was with her for two weeks. In March 2011 I injured my back at work and was laid up while I was in the middle of planning my wedding and my dress was taken by the woman altering it. We did finally get it back (not ready) three weeks before my wedding by involving the police. The day before my wedding my Mom approched me and told me my Dad wouldn't be making it to the wedding due to heart problems. His heart is only functioning 15%. I was married on September 17th 2011.It was a happy but very sad day for us. A very close friend of ours (Traci) drowned in the hot tub where we were getting married. She was a drinker and the type of person that when we made plans they fell through because she didn't show. We were thrilled that she showed up to our reherasal dinner the day before the wedding. My husband Brian thanked her for coming and she told him she wouldn't of missed it for the world. She died that night/early morning of our wedding day. Her boyfriend of 15 years is my husbands best friend and he was supposed to be in our wedding. He was also going to propose to Traci that weekend. It was such a shock and sad day for everyone. She never made it to our wedding. I went back to work after the wedding and asked to take a day off so we could go to Traci's memorial. I received a letter stating that if I took any time off of work (even if I was sick) I would have exsessive disipliinary action taken against me and would likely be fired. I had a good county job. My husband and I decided that we didn't want to take the chance of me being fired. I didn't want that on my record so I gave in my two weeks. A week and a half later, my husbands uncle died, three days later a father figure (step dad, Benny) died of a meth over dose. (I was 2 days short of finsihing my two weeks) It was a huge shock!! I am feeling so much guilt because I didn't invite Benny to my wedding. My brother (Benny was his bio dad) and Benny hadn't talked in about 15 years. They were both considering contacting eachother after the wedding but didn't. I thought I was protecting my brother but now I am second guessing myself. I could of made it happen if I would of just invited Benny. I helped my brother go pack up Benny's house and we were shocked in the living conditions. He was a major hoarder!! His whole house was 24 feet by 24 feet. It took us a week to clean the inside and a half ton of trash to the dump. The outside has taken 3 mos. working 6-8 hours a day. We had to hire someone to clean the out side because we live so far away. I still have not been able to give him a memorial service because of all thats happened to us. He left us knee deep in unpaid bills and had cleaned out his retirement. Now, in the midst of all this, we are doing our best to be there for Brian's sister who is in stage 4 melanoma cancer. The day after getting home from Benny's I put my brother on a plane to go home and I got another call from my (now 19) year old daughter. She was having seizures. I flew up to help her and get medical attention. I was extremely shocked by her living conditions. They had no heat and it was 20 degrees in her house at best. No carpets, curtains, ect....He boyfriend had just lost his job because he broke his leg in two places and had to have rods put in. I was in up there for another 2 weeks and put $1,500 into her home to make it liveable (she wouldn't come home). That's when I started to fall apart. We were also having a problem with Brians parents. They were upset with us because they were going to be in the area and wanted to come stay with us for a couple of days. Brian called his Mom and asked if we could meet them for dinner and he nicely asked if they would be offeneded if we didn't have them come stay with us. We were exhausted and pretty beaten down. She seemed fine with it until we saw them at dinner and she really let us have it. In the middle of the restaurant. We were shocked. She has been so focused on Kathleen's cancer that she hasn't been there for us what so ever. That may sound selfish but we have lost three lives in 25 days and have had other tragedies along side those deaths. She hasn't been supportive to us in any way. I know myself as a mother I would be there for all three of my daughters even if one was sick. I am trying REALLY hard to not have negative feelings about her or the anger I'm feeling. That's why I am writting all of this, to hopefully get it out. We are having a family outing with Brian's whole family this weekend and I am going to give it my best to show love.
Aside from everything that was happening I was looking forward to Thanksgiving. I would be the first time in 9 years that I would have ALL the kids together. The day before thanksgiving my oldest Grandson was hospitalized due to Valley Fever and his 9 Mo. old brother later got it. We didn't really have a Thanksgiving, we were all at the hospital, I was cooking for the kids taking it to and from the hospital, taking care of the 9 mo old baby and relieveing my daughter as much as I could from the hospital.
We were looking forward to seeing Brian's parents for Christmas because his Sister (with cancer) was going to be there and we were looking forward to some down time with her. Brian ended up with Bronchitis and the swine flu. We were stuck at home for Christmas.
We decided that 2011 is going to be a better year. Then the call came...my 19 year old is pregnant. I am having SO much anxiety and fear over this. She is 19 going on 15. I am so scared. This may also sound selfish but what is this going to do to my life? I won't let the baby suffer.
My 21 year old daughter called me this week to ask to move back in. She and her boyfriend of 7 years are breaking up. My family tells me I am a rescuer and I don't see it like that. I do pick and choose where help is needed and I believe that I need to be there to help my girls to continue to help them grow and give support where needed.
Before the CD's I was so miserable and unable to leave the house, I am getting out of the house now and still working on getting back to reality. I have no contact with my friends, my family had no idea what I was going through until I told them last week. I was very suicidal. I was comforted in the idea of life ending, telling myself that my husband and kids will be over me within a year. A HUGE mistake I made (and I am finally admitting to it today) was taking myself of meds before my wedding. I went 4 mos. off of them feeling great until all of this happened. I finally realized that some people need hormones/meds to balance out our system. I have had a difficult time getting adjusted to not working. I miss the people that I worked with. I miss smiling and laughing. I can light up a room with my normally bubbly self. I want it back and I want to be happy!! I am going to get through this...It's just anxiety. I'm am going to retrain my brain for the positive thoughts. I want to make my husband happy!!
Well, I think I'm done and hopefully this will help me get past some issues and this weekend.

[mosaic1989]

I just wanted to say I'm so very sorry for all your losses and trauma's youv'e had in your life recently. That is quite a lot, and I think you must be a very strong person to be able to get through all of it, you have done your best. I know it has to be extremely difficult, but know your doing the right thing with this program. I think you must be very strong willed to live the life you have and so I believe you can get help through this program. Just keep posting and work with the program, and that there is a way out, perhaps just one day at a time. I think sometimes we do get through what we need to but eventually we need some support. It sounds like perhaps your family has had the abilty to support you, outside perhaps your husband. But please take care of yourself and call the center if you need to for extra support. Come down to the thread on Peer support, you might find some more response there. Keep posting, working on the program, keep going. Take care of yourself.

Isaiah 54:10
 
For the mountains may depart
And the hills be removed,
But my steadfast love shall not
depart from you,
and my covenant of peace shall
not be removed,
says the Lord, who has
compassion on you.


Take Care. Mosiac

[chan44]

Thank you for the kind words Mosiac. I didn't really think anyone would read this. It did feel good to write though. Have a great day!!

Chantel

[LyndaLu]

We all need to vent and it is a great feeling to do so. I have such a hard time
knowing what to write on these posts. I just can't let it out as well as some
of the other people do. I never know what to say.

[chan44]

Hi Lynda,

I know what you mean when it comes to writting. I am supposed to be keeping a journal and I don't know where to start or how to. I decided to take a chance on posting something and I get excited when I see a new response. Hopefully this will help with my fear of writting. I thank you for opening up.

Chantel

[LyndaLu]

Chantel: How have you been getting along ? Haven't heard from you ?

Lynda