I have been so depressed these last few days

[tramon]

I have so many things on my mind that I feel like maybe suicide not too bad of an option right now. It would be easier at least. But I don't want to burden anyone with the costs of my funderal and stuff, so for now, I must live on. That's basically the only reason I have for living right now.

Here just a partial list of things that are bothering me today:

1) I'm in college and my grades are suffering. I started out the semester well enough, but after I got a couple of unexpected low grades, my motivation and energy seemed to have gone down the toilet.

2) I bought this program back in 2004. And still I have not completed it . That's how much of a procrastinator I am.

3) My mom is getting old and I got an email saying she wants me to call her. But how can I? She abused and mistreated me as a child, and has taken a lot of my money as an adult. I feel guilty. I want to forgive her but the pain is just so strong.

4) I was fired from a great job a few months ago, that paid really good. It was because I couldn't control my anger, and I yelled at another one of my co-workers. That was a reoccuring thing, even though how hard I tried to control my emotions, it always flew out of my hands. Now I was let go, and I miss that job so much. That was the best job I ever had. Most of the co-workers were great, wonderful hours, and pay was great! I miss that job.

5) Now I am back to college and I feel so old among all these 20 year olds. I am behind on some of my coursework, and I just took an exam today. I am sure I failed it. Now I am just so distressed. If I fail my classes, I will have to pay the government back all the tuition money they paid for my classes. I am using the GI Bill.

6) I have been eating a lot. I tend to eat alot when I am stressed. Now I am getting overweight. I am in the US Army reserves and they told me if I don't watch my weight, I might be kicked out. Now my military career is in jeopardy. I have 10 years of service in the military. I want to stay in for 20 because that is the minimum years of service in order to get retirement pay from the military.

7) My head hurts and my back hurts and my right leg hurts, and I feel so drained and depressed and that nobody likes me. I don't have any friends and my family lives halfway across the earth.

[perspectivegirl]

Hey tramon, it does sound like you're going through a really rough patch in life right now. I can't say I have the answer to your problems, but I can give you a few insights of mine. I'm still in college right now, and let me tell you, when I see older people (say about 30 or so) on campus and in my classes, I have the ultimate and utmost respect for them. Going back to school says that you have tremendous strength and are taking a positive action to do something good for yourself! You might feel out of place, but you're so much smarter than probably anyone there.
About the weight gain, session 5 is all about eating right and exercising! Maybe give it a listen or try and start the program again, but be easy on yourself. Recovery really isn't the easiest thing. Cutting out caffeine and sugar seriously can do wonders, and combined with a little exercise everyday- it really does go a long way. Start out slow with the exercise and make sure you pace yourself and you'll definitely see changes in your attitude.

[Paisleegreen]

I went back to college with 4 children, but I wasn't suffering from depression at the time. It was an exciting time for me. I also have not suffered from the hands of my mother as you say you have.

I suggest you see your Counselor at the college, they can really help. I had to do that and at the time I was scared to call Professors and she just had me call my Professors where there was a conflict of 3 final exams going on the same day or time. Can't recall. Also, I got sick with a sinus infection as well and got that cleared up.

If you don't want to call your Mother, don't do it. My father caused me my first deep depression where I needed anti-depressants and I wasn't abused, just hounded by him mentally over financial issues after I was married and raising a good family. Long story...anyway, can you go see a Counselor at the college?

I gained weight while I was in college, but this was when I was single and went to college out of state and was stressed. We have so much more information on nutrition and weight loss and what foods are good for feeling good. Try to stay away from sugars, white flour, caffeine and take an aerobic class of some sort. I eventually got my life figured out when I was still single and going to college and kept the weight off. I just had to figure out what I wanted in life and take the right classes.

I hope things work out for you...do work the program and listen to the CDs they will help you! I have gone through the program and listened to the CDs over and over. They really help.. Paislee