Depression and My Long Road to Recovery

[lrnp09]

I've struggled with depression for a long time now. What brought on this depression and got the ball rolling was when I was a young girl and learned about death and how loved ones would not come back once they died. I began dwelling on the fact that I'd never be able to see them again. Once I realized that death was an everyday occurance in the world, I got scared and angry with my parents because they were chronic alcoholics. They drank all the time and I couldn't handle the thought of losing either of my parents. Their alcoholism brought on my bouts of anxiety and rageful episodes. I threw really angry temper tantrums and would scream and cry until I'd be sick. I'd often threaten to hurt myself if they didn't stop drinking and they never stopped drinking. I spent most of my childhood and adolesence angry and usually feeling guilty and worthless. I went through such bad bouts of depression that I worked up the courage to hurt myself, and attempt to kill myself. I never really seeked help until I was in the nineth grade in high school. I spoke with a school councelor and she might have saved my life. After speaking with the councelor, I joined the high school basketball team and for three years I had the support of my team mates, coach, and teachers. I was exercising on a regular daily basis so the endorphin high would temporarily relieve my feelings of saddness and it was a good outlet for my anger. When I graduated I felt a fleeting sense of accomplishment, it was only a few weeks before I felt discouraged and unmotivated. I felt like my life had no direction. I had no idea whether I was going to college or to a vocational training program or if I was going straight to work. I chose to attend a university in state so that I could be close to home. My safe person at the time was my older sister, she'd been attending the same university and I felt that I'd be okay if my sister was there. Things started to go down hill once my sister left the city and started attending school online from our home town. I'd gone from one relationship to another and I feel like these relationships were failed because I was stressed out, anxious, and depressed. I'd often tell my boyfriends that I wasn't worthy of love and they should just leave me for someone who was 'normal', but they'd often tell me that when I was happy and in better moods I was a great person to be around. Those moods were few and far between. If ever the person I'd be in a relationship with would say something that would offend me or trigger my anxiety or raise my stress levels I'd go from one extreme to the next. I realize now that it was the feelings of depression and guilt and worthlessness, I'd for so long put myself down that I didn't know that this was ruining my chances of having a successful college career, a healthy lifestyle and better relationships. I often think about it now and I realize now that along with my depression I'd have such angry negative thoughts, and it made me live in fear, it also made me bitter, and angry and twisted my personality into an ugly one. I'd go from one extreme to another. I'd often stress out over my grades, and it would trigger my negative thinking and then the snowball effect would start. I was in a downward spiral almost weekly. I look back now and I realize that I'd always look to my sister for words of kindness, and I'd always look for reassuring and comforting words from my friends, boyfriends, advisors and professors. I've always been blessed with people who would always pick me up and remind me that I am a great person and I'd always gotten that kind of reassurance and comfort from others that I never realized that I couldn't make myself feel better. I'd always victimize myself and the depression would feed off my feelings of worthlessness and guilt. I ordered this program because I'd dropped out of college and went to work. I was seeing someone at work and got pregnant. I felt like I'd gotten myself stuck in a bad situation because I'd been planning on returning to school. Since then I've had my baby and am loving motherhood. Initially I ordered this program so that my son would know me, his mother as a happy, healthy individual. I don't want to pass my depression and anxiety on to him. Today, it's been three days since I started the program. I've been journaling and listening to the audio c.d.'s. I've been feeling great since starting the program. There is so much in this program that makes so much sense to me! I realize now that I've been living my life just trying to get by and just trying to make it day to day. I've lived so much of my life in a state of fear and anger. It's only been three days but since starting this program but my eyes have been opened. My whole outlook on life is starting to change. I'm seeing a difference in my mindset. I'm noticing a difference in my self esteem and most importantly my relationships! Just wanted to share my story.