long but please read!!! I'm desperate for help

[newlife11]

Hi, I'm new to this program and I just wanted to share my story.

I use to be a laid back and outgoing person. I was always a little shy but usually overcame that pretty quick. I played sports all my life and loved the outdoors (hunting and fishing). I was so passionate about everything I did and woke up with motivation everyday. I started drinking alcohol and chewing tobacco in high school. I never seemed to have hangovers and would often go to football practice/conditioning the morning after a binge with no problems.

I never dated anyone in high school but when I got to college I started dating around. In 2005 I was 19 and finishing my freshman year of college. I had dated a couple of different girls that year and neither relationship lasted very long but it didn't bother me (both were ended by me). That summer I went on a vacation from my home Ohio to New Mexico for a family members wedding. I was a groomsman and fell for the maid of honor (who was 17). We hung out for a couple of days after the wedding and when I left I couldn't get her off my mind. We emailed each other everyday. My parents could see the change in me because my partying habits stopped and I stayed home most nights. Since my college didn't start fall quarter until the end of September I decided to go back to New Mexico for a couple of weeks to work construction for my uncle building houses in the mountains outside of Albuquerque. I was so excited to see this girl I fell for, this was the only reason I was going back out there.

The two of us hung out and went on dates for the short two weeks I was there. I never cared for someone so much. She was so nice and beautiful, I was so thankful to have met her. Then on my last evening there, we went out to eat, spent all evening kissing and talking and I even played some songs on my guitar for her while sitting on the hood of her car in the mountains. When she dropped me off that last evening, she started sobbing. I was scared and happy because someone that beautiful cared for me that much. I told her that night when she was pulling away that I loved her and she told me too. It was bittersweet. I left the next day and was sad but yet so happy to be loved that way.

We emailed each other everyday and I called her and was falling even more and more. She then came back to visit after christmas that year. Things were awesome. We flew back and forth each two to three times a year and talked everyday. She said after college she was going to move to Ohio and be with me. After the first year, the stress of a distance relationship was getting to me. I had no interest in going out and constantly worried if this would work. I started to become angry all the time and the stress of school wasn't helping. The second year of long distance I decided I was goin to finish my college out in New Mexico. I counted down the days til I got to see her. We then started to have fights on the phone but worked through them.

I moved out there in August 2007, scared to death but excited to be with her. I found out of things she did when we first started dating that destroyed me on the inside. I felt so betrayed and the images of what happened with her and this guy played in my head all the time (I couldn't even listen to the radio while driving because it bothered me so bad). The stress of moving away from home, declining relationship, and new job finally took it's toll. I was clocking out of work at my new job in New Mexico in October 2007 when I couldn't breathe. I was taken to the hospital where I was told it was a panic attack. I never heard of one but the symptoms never stopped. I tried for a week without medicine but the tingling in my face and hands along with breathlessness and feeling like I was going to faint was too much. I started taking xanax and zoloft.

Our relationship took a turn for the worst the spring of 2008. We fought and I sat alone in my apartment one night and called 911 cuz I was afraid I was going to take my whole bottle of xanax (although I knew I wouldn't). After that night (my 22nd birthday) in the hospital, I decided I was going to move back to Ohio. My girlfriend cried over this and told me I wasn't a man for moving home. She then broke up with me after almost 3 years together. I laid in my apartment for 2 weeks until finals were over and went home. I was much better when I got home but was still on zoloft. I got a landscaping job and felt great but drank a few nights a week. That fall, I would sit in the woods deer hunting and I couldn't relax. I was fighting with my ex in my mind and it was making have headaches and chest pain. It also felt like my eyes wouldn't focus or hold still.

I stayed at this level of anxiety (tingling, dizziness, headaches, and fatigue) for the rest of that year. New Years eve I drank and go in 3 fights cuz it was the first new year's I wasn't with my ex. Through 2009 I continued back in college and took full loads of school work. I made new friends but the uneasiness was always there. I saw a therapist on campus which didn't really do much but I thought maybe she would untie these mental knots I was in. I had trouble finding jobs in the summer so i started landscaping on my own (which ended up being a great money maker - way more than I imagined).

In winter of 2010 I started having scary thoughts of me killing myself (I didn't want to or plan it and it was making me a nervous wreck). I went to the doctor after two weeks of this and he prescribed another anti depressant on top of the 150mg of zoloft I was already taking. This made things worse (the thoughts stopped but no motivation). I didn't do anything for a month. I went to a new therapist and he advised me to get off the medicine. He said I didn't have true depression but the down feelings stemmed from my panic and generalized anxiety. I weened of both anti depressants and suddenly felt my motivation come back. I still had anxiety and panic symptoms but did my best to ignore them. Shortly after getting off my medicine, my Grandmother who I visited everyday, took care of her yard, and planted my vegetable garden at her house, got sick and died at the beginning of the summer. I was sad, but barely cried. She died at 3 in the morning on a friday. That night she died I slept about an hour before finding out she had passed. I visited her body at hospice and then went home, showered, and worked from 6 am til 8 pm in the heat while landscaping. I didn't want to sit and think about it.

It's now 2011 and I am still anxious. I've tried quiting tobacco and succeeded for 3 months which helped some but my anxiety knocked me off the wagon and I started again. I finally graduated college and am looking for a job. I haven't dated anyone since that girl from out west. I haven't worked for anyone besides myself and some farmers since 2008. I'm afraid to get a job and feel anxious or down alot. I look forward to fall and hunting but the anxiety/depression sucks the fun out of everything. I just want to be normal again. I want to be confident and enjoy life but I wake up angry everyday and don't know why. I still landscaped and build patios/walls on my own (and the money is good) but I still find myself thinking negative about everything. My mind goes nonstop and when I think of pleasurable things they don't excite me anymore.

I just need any support cuz many people don't understand what I have to feel so down about. I have a great family and friends but I can't seem to enjoy them. My relationship with my dad has declined in the past 5 years because I get angry all the time. It scares me to hear them say they don't know what to do. I definitely don't want to take medicine again because i gained 30 pounds while on zoloft and that didn't do much for my self image. But please give me any advice and input because Im desperate to find the old me.

[newlife11]

Forgot to add that I saw my grandpa die when I was 16. He was my best friend and taught me alot about gardening, hunting and fishing. Some therapists think that my fear of fainting/dying has to do with my grandpa's death. He was told that his heart was as healthy as a 21 year old's a month before he died of a heart attack. I wish I didn't see him collapse backwards and watch/hear his head bounce off the ground. That imagine is burned in my memory unfortunately. But at the same time, I'm glad that I was with him up until the very second he met God. I walked with him from the house back behind the barn to set raccoon traps cuz they were getting in the garden. I didn't know I was walking him half way to heaven.

[spatrick1964]

I hope this program can help you feel better. Maybe work on the positive affirmation they talk about on the tapes. I have also been depressed for years.

Susan

[newlife11]

Thanks susan...I think that being depressed was caused by my anxiety problems. So im confident that when I learn these skills my anxiety will fade and so will the depressed feelings. Good luck to you too! Everyone deserves to be happy.

[spatrick1964]

Hope today was a better day!!!!! Yes everybody deserves to be happy!!!! Ready for session 3!!!!:)

Susan

[Sylvia57]

Hi, I am brand new, and very skeptical when I started this program, but I love listening to the CD's and was wondering how you were doing since you wrote this post? Are you much better? I sure hope so. I am starting to feel better, but still on my meds. I also have IBS, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue, thyroid disease, and lots of other illnesses that I am sure comes from the adrenaline that has exhausted me from when I was young. I am doing lots of positive self talk. I know I am ok now, just from hearing the first couple of CD's. I am on this peersupport.com for the first time today. Would you like to be friends? My name is Sylvia57 ( my username.)

[lucy knepp]

The program including the mini chat and forums really helped me. Going back to church and talking to God also is important.
Lucy Knepp