holding onto the past

living4today · Post by **living4today** » Tue Feb 17, 2009 8:12 am

It has been almost 4 years and I cant seem to not let go. I as with a guy almost 4 years ago that I thought was the love of my life I thought I was going to marry him he was everything I wanted and more! And then he left me for someone else that he had just met he got engaged two and a half months later and then married a year later. I still think of it all the time and I dream about it all the time. I cant seem to let go its like I am cursed. I did something offal to him when we broke up I got him to cheat on his fiance and I got him cought, or at least I thought I did, she married him anyways, and they just had a baby. I feel like that life could have been mine and I would have been happy. I dont want to remember him anymore I dont want to dream about it anymore I just feel like I didnt get any closure and there is no way that I can. I thought I saw him at a gas station the other day and I almost drove off the road all i could keep saying was "oh my god are you kidding me" and my heart started pounding it is a shame that he still after almost 4 years has that impact on me. I just want to get over it. I am in a relationship have been for 2 years but I cant seem to get over it, no one compares to him and no one can live up to what he gave me and it sucks.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Feb 17, 2009 4:26 pm

dear living,
i think you're brave and you will be able to better move on when you forgive yourself for what you did wrong. this will probably be a process as you learn about yourself and your situation.
perhaps you can also write them a little note of apology to them both, for the cheating--whether or not you send it or not, I don't know.
there's much more to address here, such as "no one compares to him". . . . but i will leave that for you -- as you go through the program. and i know others can help, as well.

i have faith that it will get better for you!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Feb 18, 2009 8:34 am

Are you working this program? You do realize you created this situation, and you are the one who is keeping it alive. You are rehearsing the past over and over and over and over and over until you've stuck the past solidly in your mind. It's right there, as if it weren't the past. Why is it there? Because every time you rehearse what used to be (picking out the best parts?) you are running those times back through a chemical reaction, and your mind and your body go right back to those days. That's how our minds work. You want to test this? What was your favorite smell as a child? Chocolate chip cookies baking when you got home from school? If that was a happy cherished memory, then every time you smell chocolate cookies baking, all those feelings flood your mind and your body. It's like you transported to that past time. Relationships do that, too. But only as long as we keep making the past fresh today by focusing and refusing to stop focusing on those times. Take a hint from your ex bf. He's moved on. He has a family. Leave it. Practice stopping those thoughts. As for your current bf, why are you being dishonest? You've already placed him below the old bf. Would you like that? If he had a perfect gf in his mind, and she wasn't you, and every time he looked at you he thought how much you did not compare to her, would you like that? Get beyond this self torture and join the world. Everything has moved on except you. Move on. And don't disrespect your bf. If you do, let him go. He deserves more than that. What sucks? Your self defeating thinking. If you cannot do this alone, see a therapist. You need to stop it.

tdj7000 · Post by **tdj7000** » Wed Feb 18, 2009 9:42 am

Dear Living,
I can relate to your situation. It has been almost 10 years since my relationship ended, and I am still holding on to the past. I have yet to figure out a way to sufficiently let go. If anything, you can talk to me and maybe we can figure it out together.

My Path to Peace · Post by **My Path to Peace** » Wed Feb 18, 2009 1:55 pm

Living4today,
You are wasting your time, thinking of this guy. He has move on, you were not the one for him. He has a family, he pick who he wanted as his wife.
With you setting him up to be caught cheating, wasn't nice. Could some of your behavior be the reason he left you? Think of this, if you two got married, you two wouldn't trust each other, how could you. Also relationship are not build on games.
I agree with Pecos, you are not being fair to your current boyfriend. If you can't give him your all, let him go.
As hard as this is, it is the truth, You were not the one your ex-boyfriend wanted. He moved on without you. Now it is time for you to clean house, and get him out of your mind. Work the program, get yourself better. It wasn't meant for you to be your ex-boyfriends wife. The life his wife has with him, was never meant for you. So stop living in the past, stop with all the what if's etc; always remember the grass is not greener on the other side.
Work the program and get over him.
Sunshine1960