How Badly has Depression affected or screwed up your Life?

[mark167]

Hi Cindy, thank you for the smile and encouragement. I never really know from day to day or week to week when I'd be available, especially if I have my girls, but it would be nice to chat. I am generally speaking not busy, esp lately when I've been stuck to my couch and watching too much tv or on the computer for too long.
Yes, I had a serious head trauma when I was 19. I have wondered if that has had a long term and lasting effect on my brain function. Before the accident, I was not very happy but I don't think I was depressed much, maybe other than dealing with the occasional teenage issues. I did have a pretty bad depression after that and a couple smaller ones before I was 37. Since then it has been mostly bad, esp in the last 5 yrs when I've had 5 severe-extreme depr episodes. My psychologist thought it might be ABI (acquired brain injury) or CTE (chronic traumatic encephalopathy), which are basically progressive degenerative diseases that can only be definitely diagnosed post-mortem. They have found these in football and hockey players and boxers who have suffered concussions and committed suicide in midlife. I did see a neurologist who sent me for a brain scan. It didn't really show anything other than some shrinkage of the brain, which can also happen due to age and chronic dehydration. I believe I have some form of ABI or CTE as it would explain a lot. That worries me as I think I could be like this, or worse, the rest of my life. Am I doomed to never get better?
I really wonder if I am ever going to get better. It is not a fear but a reality based on how much I have screwed up my life and dug myself into a deep hole, mentally and financially. If I cant get back to work at some point, things will get even worse. I'll have no money left for retirement, if I make it that far, and could easily end up losing my home and kids. This depr, stress and worry must be having a negative impact on my physical health (heart, brain, ...) and could shorten my life, as doctors say. I have figured it will take some kind of a miracle to get better. A few months ago I even started playing a lottery that has about 1 chance in a million to win a million $. So that's pretty much what I figure my odds are of truly getting better, being healthy and happy. I am certainly not counting or expecting to win. Somehow I'll have to do this on my own, but I just cant seem to or know how. Its so hard to look at anything positively when my thoughts are almost constantly negative or feeling overwhelmed by everything I'm having to do and deal with. I know I've gotten somewhat better after each bad depr, so I should be able to do that again, but it will be hard now that I don't have a psychologist to see and guide me. It would be so nice to never have to deal with bad depr again.

[Dixiesmom]

Mark,
I'm sorry it has taken me a while to get back. Both of my babies ended up sick and I've been busy caring (and cleaning up after them) and getting up in the middle of the night. I'm pretty tired right now and am just trying to relax and catch up on some rest.
I am not a doctor or anything, but I agree that the head trauma has probably had at least some affect on you, although it might not be the only reason. Does depression run in your family? Don't doom yourself to abi or cte, as even you stated that can't be diagnosed until death. The fact that you have improved, I believe, shows that you can do better. The head trauma may always affect you to a certain degree (you may never have a completely rosy view of life), but you can get to a state of feeling a little better - you've done it before! Don't forget that when you are down.

Cindy

[mark167]

Yes, I believe the head trauma has had a lasting effect on me. I really wonder and worry that because of it I may not get better or that it will be extremely difficult. After previous episodes of bad depression, I was able to improve and get better somewhat, so I'll try not to forget that, but I was never completely out of that deep dark hole I have been stuck in for so long. It would be nice to feel better again, even a little, enough to give me hope that I can do it. It is just so discouraging to be back in this place again and feel so negative and fatalistic about my future, as I really don't think this is going to end well. Based upon my past experiences and results, the way I have always done things, I cant see how I am going to do it. I don't expect to get completely positive or happy, but it would be nice to stop being so negative and pessimistic and resigned to a bleak or no future.
I am the only one in my family that I know of that has had any form of bad or chronic depression. My parents and siblings all did very well in school and got good university degrees, and they have all had very successful careers. They are also all happily married and seem to be living normal and happy lives, and living life to the fullest. They have all worked hard and persevered, so they definitely earned and deserve the good life they have. I have never really put in that effort or had any sort of perseverance, and with chronic depression affecting every aspect of my life, the result has been the crappy life I have had and continue to lead now.
Believe it or not, I am actually feeling less negative this past week, but still not positive about anything, as I have managed to get a few things done. Nothing really important or necessary, especially compared to the big issues in my life that need to be worked on, but at least I have done something, which is better than doing nothing, which I had done for a few weeks. This week I don't have my kids with me, so it will be a challenge to keep on track and moving forward, albeit slowly. The weeks I have them I often keep the focus on them and off of myself and out of my head. I am alone (and lonely) and it is quiet now, so I am surrounded and overwhelmed by all my usual negative thoughts and feelings. It is a struggle and I am tired of trying to stay afloat and keep moving and to not drown in my thoughts. But I know I must and I will work on getting a little better, one step and one day at a time. Things have to, and will, get better, I hope.

[notimpressed]

I am in a deep depression right now. I'm having a hard time trusting people because I know that I'm going to be hurt. I heard all the lectures from others saying that "hurt is part of life", so please I hope that I don't get replies like that. I'm confused about different things going on in my life and its hard for me to be happy because I am afraid to let my guard down or I will be traumatized again. I sincerely do not know how to relax like I used to do many years ago and even a few months ago. The doctors helped make our lives very miserable here. Since this diagnoses in 2010, our lives here at home has been very tensed. I am angry inside and outside. I wished that I was not born. I've had unpleasant thoughts in my head it just seems like nothing is going well in my life and I feel what in the world is going on? why is this happening? why? I hear others saying that things will get better but I wonder when.

Mom is so scared and full of panic that she wants to move in the month of November. Oh my goodness. I keep getting snapped at by family members, some had accused me of saying things that I did not say, its a mess. I feel so darn screwed up and having patience is so hard.

[mark167]

Hi notimpressed,
I'm sorry to hear about how badly you are feeling. I hope the past week things have improved somewhat, altho your other post indicates you are still very sad. Based on your posts that I read, you have a lot of major issues you are dealing with the past couple years, so it is overwhelming, what with your mother's health, your parents divorcing, and an imminent move. These are all big life challenges and can cause a lot of stress, anxiety and depression. Try to focus on things you can do to help yourself get through this, and take things slowly, one thing, one step, one day at a time. Don't let what others think and say make you miserable or hurt you. I know that is much easier said than done when you are in the thick of things, but realize that you will get thru all this and will get better and stronger. It takes time so you have to be patient with, and kind to, yourself along the way.
You have already started your journey to recovery by being on this site and sharing your story and reaching out for help. That is very important, especially if you don't have support at home or thru friends. You have that here! People here understand you and what you are going thru. We all have different stories but similar challenges with depression and/or anxiety. I assume you are new to this program but can I ask if you are working the program and how far into it you have gotten? If you need help relaxing, use the relaxation cd as that is very helpful. Also, if things feel really desperate now, do you have any professional help you can seek out, to help with the depression and anger issues, and if necessary, get medication to help you get thru this tough time?
Just remember that you have friends here as there are a lot of great people on this site who can provide support and guidance, from the coaches to members who are either going thru struggles now or have worked their program and are in recovery. The chatroom is also a good place (altho it is often quiet) to get support and to open up when you are having a hard time. Keep coming back here and posting in the forums and don't be afraid to open up and trust again, as you wont be judged here. Take good care of yourself and work on changing the negative thoughts to more pleasant or positive ones. You are worth it!

[munchkin51]

Hi iwillbe better:
Since it has been about two years since you posted this I hope you get it. I just wanted to thank you for your posts. It has helped me a lot. I feel like I have been dealing with depression and anxiety for ever. I finally have hope. I am looking forward to going though the program again.

God Bless:
Munchkin51

[LyndaLu]

I was just writing a long post about how badly
depression has affected or screwed up my life when I apparently hit the wrong
button on my computer keyboard and my message was lost !
They say that everything happens for a reason.
I guess it was not meant to be....at least for today.

LyndaLu

[mark167]

Hi Lynda, I hope we will get the opportunity to see ur long post again. It is frustrating, and depressing, when you take a lot of time to write something and it disappears. That has happened to me a couple times. Maybe these things (like depression??) happen for a reason.
Hi munchkin, Welcome to the post and congratulations for trying the program again. I'm glad to hear you have hope again as it is very difficult when struggling with depression or anxiety for so long.
Thank you to everyone who posts on here and the other topics. It really does help, to know you are not going thru this alone, and that there is hope for everyone. I just hope that people who haven't posted here or been on the site for a while have found recovery and peace. It would be nice to get updates, whether they be negative or positive. I haven't given an update for 4 months now on how depression has continued to affect my life, but I will do so soon.

[LyndaLu]

Mark:

I read in one of your previous posts that you suffered from head trauma.
I met a lady back in October 2013 that had suffered a head trauma four years ago.
It absolutely affected her emotional health.
She has chronic pain and has not been able to get any relief from that pain.
I have not seen or talked to her since November 2013.
I just wanted you to know that, yes, I believe that trauma can absolutely
affect our psychological health.
I hope to hear from you more often here.
I am going to try to start writing positive things that I have learned over
the past 3 months. I was in the hospital, then at an Intensive Outpatient
Program. I am now participating in classes/workshops/support groups
in my community. It is sort of scary being in control of my own destiny !
What if I screw it all up ?

LyndaLu

[mark167]

Hi Lynda, It is scary being in control of your own destiny, but it is a good thing to be able to do so. The only thing we can truly control is ourselves and what we choose to think about and how we act and react to different situations and circumstances. I am sure you will not screw it all up as you are much stronger now and have a good support network and have tools and resources to help you thru the challenges that arise in life. I look forward to seeing more of the positive things you have learned.

Yes, I suffered a major head trauma almost 32 years ago and it has definitely affected my mental and emotional health longterm. Like I mentioned in my Sept 12 reply, it (abi or cte) cannot be confirmed or diagnosed now, but it does make a lot of sense to explain my ongoing battles with severe-extreme depression. This is my 6th bout in less than 6 years, and while it doesn't seem as bad as some of the previous ones, it is very discouraging to be back in this position again. It really makes me wonder if I am ever going to truly get better.

I hadn't posted an update here on how depression has continued to affect me in over 4 months. I have continued to struggle with the negative thoughts and feelings and some days are very bad. I have felt stuck, immobilized and pretty much shut down since the holidays. After sinking lower at the end of the summer, I did do slightly better for a while, but still struggled with finding motivation and having no energy to do anything. There was a bit of a 'spike' in feeling better before Christmas. I was eating more (gained back the weight I had lost) and was sleeping better. I had a difficult time over the holidays being alone most of the time and by the time my kids went back to school, I was completely off track. The very cold winter hasn't helped as I have been very inactive, sedentary and isolate myself most of the time. I think at this point the only thing that is keeping me from sliding further down is my medications. I just waste away most of my days doing nothing, sleeping too much or watching tv or going on the computer, trying to shut up the negative thoughts that I tend to ruminate on.

I just finished re-reading all the replies on this topic over the past 2 years. It makes me realize that I have made a little bit of progress, especially when I was working my program 1 year ago, but I also realize I really haven't changed or progressed much over the past 6 or even 14 years. It's amazing how quickly the lost / bad days can turn into weeks or months or years! I really haven't tried hard enough to get better and stronger and I'm not sure why I don't, especially considering what my limited and very negative options or outcomes could be. Maybe I have given up on myself and feel I wont or cant get better. I don't have a psychologist any more, which I miss and would definitely help again. I do see a community worker every couple weeks which does help me to try to get back on track. I also try to get to a couple support groups every 2nd week, which also helps. Lastly, and certainly not least, I have this site and the forums and the great members who share their experience, strength and hope (which is oh so important). Thank you for your support and feedback!