Help! Seems like divorce is lingering in the air

Howard R · Post by **Howard R** » Mon Feb 16, 2009 2:22 am

Hey Lynn, one other thing, with the issues we have with depression anxiety etc we need to focus on ourselves, being a recovering alcholic I learened that there are times youy need to think of yourself first. this is one of those times your husband is not supportting you so you need to be selfish. You cannot help others if you can not help yourself. take care of yourself first and I promise you everything will fall into place. it may take time but it will happen. God will not give you anything you cannot handle. Howard

Gman5256 · Post by **Gman5256** » Mon Feb 16, 2009 3:04 am

Originally posted by peaceandjoy7:
Thank you all for your advice, I am currently residing at my Mom's house because my husband continued on his cold treatment and said he thinks it would be best if I stay at my mom's house for a few weeks so he could have some time alone to think and maybe it would help. It will be a week ago tomorrow that he hasn't spoken to me. I am so depressed. Today when I came home from work I didn't want to do anything. I felt like running away and escaping to another state to leave my pain behind. I love my mom, but I'm
33 and I feel terrible like I'm a little girl again. Yesterday was Valentine's day and he never called. Today my mom called to speak with him and to see if he might call me and he said he would call me later to ask me about a bill. I don't feel like he loves me. This is what hurts so much. I want to feel he loves me, but his actions seem to prove otherwise. I am in limbo now and I don't know what to do. Is he going to divorce me or not? How long will this situation go on? Will I ever have a life with him? Do I need to get my own place or leave the state? Please help.

Good morning Lynn,

Slow down... You have a million things going on inside your head and I can understand how confused you must feel. Take one thing at a time. Start with your breathing exercise and keep it up. It may help you start to think things through a little at a time.

If panic begins to well up inside of you, revert to the breathing as soon as you notice it.

It was very kind and thoughtful of you mom to have you over and for her to call your husband and feel him out about the situation on Valentines day. It is unfortunate that he acted in the way he did.

Please try to reason your actions out. Running is not a real option. Slow down, if you do as you suggest in this post, you may lose what little support you have, so that is not a real option. Be still and know, until you know.

You don't really know if your husband is going through his own issues with stress. He said he needs space and time to think things through. Keep your mind as occupied as possible in your work and turn to breathing exercise at the first instance of panicky thoughts. Give him a chance to think this through, and give yourself a fair chance to think things through. It will all be all right.

When he is ready to talk, you be ready to talk. You might make a suggestion to make a date to some place private and cozy, yet out in the public and it doesn't have to be romantic but that would be nice. If you agreed on the date, go to the beauty parlor, and treat yourself to a full spa treatment including a massage.

You will want to appear, relaxed, in control, and as beautiful as they can make you at the spa. Remind yourself and him of the fun things you have done in the past, and try to stay focused on the positive. Remind yourself of the things you did that captured his attention and made you the apple of his eye. Slay him with your beauty, charm and wit, then tease him as if he is only allowed to look at the menu, but he has to charm you to capture you all over again.

I know that it seems silly, but this will make him wonder.

Honey, all marriages go through some rough patches, and it usually starts around 7 years into the marriage. I am not making light of your situation, but trying desparately to help distract you from all the obsessing, what if and negative thinking that is promoting the spiral to another panic attack.

You seem to love your husband a lot. Now, go back to doing that things that made you so irresistible to him. If all this makes you at least grin, it would make us all very happy.

We love you and care about you so please try to relax and live to enjoy the moment, no matter how bad things may seem to be.

Lots of big hugs.

In His Love,

Gman5256

Howard R · Post by **Howard R** » Mon Feb 16, 2009 4:45 am

Hi Lynn, I just read the reply below by gmann. Gmann is a lot better with words than I am. May be I should have not used the word pig in my previous reply and I apologize. I went through that seven year bump. It was not easy but there is no reason for that kind of abuse.I know I have mentioned this before but I am a recovering addict and alcoholic. I ran my wife through the mill with all my addictions(I was the pig)bless her heart she stuck with me through thick and thin. She knew deep down inside the person I could be. I have been sober for eight years now and everything is great. I was not able to get to this point until I took care of myself first. It was hard for my wife to understand my selfisness. Once I get my addictions under control I was able to comminicate and be more understanding to her needs.Even though I was going through some bad times it never got to the point were I wanted to leave my wife. I needed her for support. I do think you need to treat yourself. Go for a walk or to the spa. Find something for you!. Like Gmann mentioned you have alot on your plate. You need to make a list and deal with one issue at a time. The best way to do this is start your list with some easy tasks so you feel like you have accompolished something. I have to get back to work, good luck and we will chat later. Howard

Don57 · Post by **Don57** » Mon Feb 16, 2009 6:19 am

This guy seems as immature as immature gets. He could change, but my gut tells me he doesn't want to. It honestly doesn't appear from what you have posted that he loves you. He's in love with some "object" of perfection he has in his own mind, not you , in my view. I wouldn't be too concerned about being attractive for this guy. Probably nothing but something out of Playboy will meet his standards, if then. Who, male or female, wants to be judged solely based upon superficial, exterior looks? Exterior beauty is fleeting. It only lasts a short while. To base your self esteem on such a shifting foundation is insanity, but it looks like a lot of women do it and a lot of guys never grow up. They remain little boys. I think you'd be better off divorcing him. Just my opinion.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Feb 16, 2009 6:28 am

I so hardily agree with Don57. If you keep on with this guy you may even get hurt physically.
Not saying you will.
But I think he has stated what he wants already.

I think that it is absolutely clear that you need to get out of that situation. It will get worse not better.
Yes, it is very hard to give up on a relationship. There is nothing easy about it.
It is devastating. But in some cases it will save much pain in the long run.
I will also say a prayer for you.
For I do know how you feel.
But there is a better life for you out there.
Mary Jane

pecos · Post by **pecos** » Mon Feb 16, 2009 8:00 am

With the advice that he is a pig and you should run, I do one hundred percent agree. He is not demonstrating any form of love here. You might want to also take the excellent advice to learn about yourself. If you don't approve of yourself, and your only approval comes from others, your life is doomed. It is doomed by you. Get a therapist, get busy on this program, and learn that you are the one who gives yourself approval. You do not need anyone else's. Without love for ourselves, we are in a sinking boat. Learn to love yourself. Learn to be your biggest fan. You will be okay without this pig.

Gman5256 · Post by **Gman5256** » Mon Feb 16, 2009 12:58 pm

Hi all,

It appears that my observations are that of a minority opinion, and I think everyone is entitled to their opinion. However, i must make this observation. I do feel a great deal of empathy for Lynn. I see from her own writing, that she does not appear to be ready to let go of this relationship.

Let's look at it in real life terms. How many of you are ready to dump their long term relationship? Let's forget for the moment, the circumstances Lynn is facing.

I am willing to bet no one here views their own relationship, no matter how good or bad it may be, as one that is a disposible one. So why would we think that Lynn is any different?

Relationships are not turned on and off like a light switch, so why would anyone be so willing to dispose of someone elses relationship? I am not trying to be mean. I am trying to get you to maybe think of all that may be going through Lynn's mind. All the thoughts sounded here are the very things going through her own mind, only a gazzillion times more intense.

I always tried to stay out of other family and friends personal issues, because you basically have to stay neutral or you will lose a friend, or other loved one, when the quarreling couple makes up.

Making up in quarreling relationships are a fact of life. Lynn has 7 years invested in her relationship, and it appears to me that she is not ready to cut it loose. I maybe wrong in thinking this, and that is why my focus was to talk her down from the brink of the apparent panic state of mind she seemed to be in as I am sure all others feel they were doing.

I tried to focus more on her and try to give her a different prospective that could possibly make her feel better and maybe get a handle on things.

Lynn's Husband may be immature, a rat and may seem horrible to us, from what we have been told, but he is Lynn's horrible, rat, and immature brat. We may think is very shallow too. It doesn't matter, he is Lynn's shallow brat.

Lynn, I think everyone here gives the advice or suggestions with heart felt good intentions, and none here would ever think of doing or saying some hurtful thing to you. If I have added to any of your stress, please forgive me.

I am going to continue to pray for your continued well being, and that God will send you a helper to help you through your current state of sadness, confusion, disbelief and all the other concerns and emotions you may have racing through your mind and body.

You are in a safe place with your mom at the moment. You know that she loves you unconditionally. Please try to relax and think things through as they are at the moment and try to avoid projecting and making any hasty decisions.

I pray that God provides you and your husband clear minds that will help you overcome any problems and make you both stronger and committed to your relationship, and if it is not in His will for this relationship that he provide you whatever you need to help you overcome any and all life obstacles.

You must have seen some good qualities in your husband, otherwise you wouldn't have married him. Right? Well, the same holds true for him. The only way to find out what is really on his mind is to get a chance to talk and reason things through. Logical right ?

You may have to get professional help, but both of you should agree to do that.

I have to go now, and tell you I wish this whole process wasn't so difficult. But at least you have friends here that care about you and want to hear that things are working out for you regardless of how things turn out.

I want to share an expression that my wife lives her business life by: "manage by fact" she is so damn logical it sometimes drives me nuts, but that simple expression kind of tells you how to handle anything that comes your way.

Good night and hugs to you and all.

In His Love,

Gman5256

Don57 · Post by **Don57** » Mon Feb 16, 2009 1:17 pm

Gman, I have tremendous respect for you. I'm just not sure that Lynn and her husband were ever on the same foot or ever had a sound relationship to begin with. She was on one plain, being in love, and it sounds like all he married for was looks and perhaps sex. Once he saw that gone, in his mind, he's out of the relationship. It doesn't sound like a the marriage got off on a solid foundation.

Biblically a person is allowed out of a marriage due to marital unfaithfulness. I suspect this guy is unfaithful in his thought life daily from what Lynn has said.

I respect what you say, I just don't agree. Staying married for marriage sake is not a solution in my view. I do hope he will listen to reason, but from what Lynn has shared I would not anticipate that.

And I am sorry, Lynn that this has happened to you. This is just my opinion, nothing more.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Feb 16, 2009 6:08 pm

My opinion remains the same. I spoke from experience.
I was in such a marriage once and remained far too long.
As one poster said, it is soul destroying.
I agree whole-heartedly with Don57 and Pecos.

One must get into a place where he/she can respect themselves. They must learn to care for themselves and reach that point where they are not willing to take that kind of abuse.
It doesn't stop. It gets worse with the years.

This is my opinion.
MJ

Gman5256 · Post by **Gman5256** » Mon Feb 16, 2009 9:31 pm

Hi Guys and good morning,

I had to turn in as usual earlier than I would have liked, and up just before 4 AM, while waking up 2 other times before I finally get up. This is my better than normal night of sleep.

I have a kitty and she yells at me until I get up. She gets lonely when she wakes up and finds herself alone. She is a black domestic and I call her Bunifa, the munge kitty. She suffers from paranoia, illusions of grandeur, and horrible mood swings, and that is why I call her Bunifa.

Poor thing, she is blind in her left eye and deaf in her right ear, which is all munged up, and missing part of her left ear that had to be snipped. She nevertheless feels that she is the queen of the household and snarls and yells at my other 2 kitties. Clyde he is a big lug tabby, but he is the sweetest thing and such a sensitive kitty, and then there is Bonnie, a cute little and spry tuxedo kitty.

Okay guys, it's okay, we can agree to disagree. I never mentioned or gave thought to Lynn's marriage being over or that it has a chance but the answer to that question is for Lynn and her husband to sort out.

We do not know all the facts. We have the side of Lynn and we all empathize with her and want to see her overcome this problem, chaos and the upheaval to end or why else would we bother.

BTW, Don thanks for those kind words. As I think about it, we are all kind of in Bunifa's situation. We can only half see or half hear and we are pretty beat up, and some times fearful or grouchie when we find ourselves alone, and it triggers a panic attack when we feel unsafe.

Wow, I never thought about it that way. Anyway, I rescue kitties, but I limit my household to no more than 3. The key to my decision to rescue them is: I want the one I think no one else will want, and is most likely to be put to sleep. That way I can give them a second or better chance at a better life than the one they knew of in the past. Then when they come home with us, I love them as much as I can, and give them all the freedom they can safely enjoy. They all have outdoor privileges, except Bunifa. She has limited outdoor privileges. There are lots of foxes, raccoons, skunks and sometimes deer and bears, where we live so she is only allowed to go out when we can be with her and keep her safe.

Isn't that what our loving heavenly Father does? He goes out finds the persons in the worst straights and greatest need and rescues us, loves us, gives us freedom of movement, feeds us, cares for us and keeps us safe.

I think we have all done a good thing here. Sort of like the external mental battle that has been raging in our friend Lynn's head, only it is happening on this forum discussion.

I think I have, as best I can, done all that I can, that is humanly possible to reflect many of the thoughts you have been struggling with. I really don't know what is going on inside of anyone, especially Lynn's husband. I really don't know, and no one here knows, anything about about him other than what Lynn has shared.

Now, I think it is time for me to turn this burden that I yoked myself to, over to God and left Him handle it. We all need to learn this: Let go and let God

I love you guys, with as much agape love as God has poured into me, I give it all away to all of you.

Let's all out and make it a great day.

In His Love, Hugs

Gman5256