I need advice

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I know I have a negative attitude about my situation
Add Shortcut . Posted by Cris14on Sep. 16, 2011 at 12:27 AM
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I've been divorced since 2009. It was my fault, I had an extremely terrible temper, I'm paranoid and demanding, I also wasted a lot of money shopping, my ex got fed up I guess. Our son was only 1 year old. During that time I've been having a difficult time trying to keep a job because of my depression and anxiety, until now, it's hard. I have a job but I'm not good at it, I'm too slow (I'm just waiting for my boss to tell me I have to leave because I'm not as productive as my coworkers) because of my mental illness, I have OCD as well but nobody knows, my boss does but I don't want her to think I want to be treated special, my coworkers talk about my being slow and not talking and it hurts because they talk every single day, I wish they'd tell it to my face. They're nice to me but they talk and criticize me indirectly by not looking my way, I don't know if they know I can hear them and I know they're talking about me but it hurts so much specially because I feel I'm the only one they talk about because I'm the only one w/ mental illness w/c probably shows but my coworkers don't know I'm sick, they just think I'm stupid. English is my 2nd language and I don't feel confident that I can speak it well plus I really don't have anything to say, I don't even know small talk or even how to be nice but I'm not mean to people, only to my parents and to my son. Then my mom had a severe stroke last June of this year. She's in rehab right now so I'm balancing work (fulltime) and taking care of her a few hours a day ang my son during the weekend. It's really very very tough for me. I'm also financially unstable, I live w/ my parents so I don't have to pay rent, they don't ask me to pay anything but my income is still not enough for me and my son, I pay so many bills including my medical bills for my psychiatrist, psychotherapist and meds. Sometimes I feel I'm going crazy, I want to scream, run away, do something to release the anguish, pain, suffering and frustration but I can't do anything, I don't even have anybody to talk to about my feelings. I had friends in the past but I can't reach them now. They're all busy w/ their own families. My life revolves around work, my parents and my son. I feel like I don't have a life anymore. I want my life back, the one I had before I got divorced but I know that's not possible. I just want to be happy again. What should be my attitude about my situation? Am I just being selfish? What should I do? Are you going through something difficult as well? What's the reason for your depression? I feel so tired, frustrated, unhappy, unloved and stressed. Thanks for your advice.