Empty Chairs During Holidays
Thank you Pecos for starting this. I have a deep sorrow with empty chairs. 15 years ago, my husband & I moved 2 states away from our family & friends. During visits to our families, we look at the family Holiday photos, and see the empty chairs. Only those empty chairs are from me, my husband, and our child. Everyone around the table enjoying each other, etc. Then my Grandparents died. We missed the last 10 years of their lives. Not only are there empty chairs, but in all of the family photos, there are 3 empty spots. I feel little guilt, but pain & sorrow. Then I realize that we made the right decision to move away. We needed to be our own family & rely only on ourselves. (Moving away from my monster-in-law was the biggest benefit for us all!) My family, we are all very close, so it all hurts. But my little family here, we've made our own traditions, we play, just the 3 of us, and now we've become like family to neighbors, and we are no longer alone. I talk to my sister every day, and my mom at least every other day. Think of the joy they brought you as the tear rolls down your cheek, and remember you are lucky they were a part of your life. I'll be thinking & praying of/for you. Dena.
Hi Dena,
Just read your post and tears are running down my cheeks as I write this. I admire you and your little family for moving and beginning your own family traditions. We all have to follow our own hearts in this life and I'm sure that while your grandparents missed you when you
left the area, they understood that you needed to make your own life. I'm sure the other members understand as well but it's only natural they would miss you, especially during the holidays.
Anyway, I appreciate your advice to all of us who are feeling lost and empty as the holidays draw near. I am thankful for all the years I had with my family, especially all of the holidays we were blessed to be all together and I treasure those memories. It just saddens me that those days are gone forever but I will get through this holiday season just as I have the previous ones and with the help of everyone here, we'll all get through. Thanks Dena, Pecos, and everyone who has shared on this topic.
Gale
Just read your post and tears are running down my cheeks as I write this. I admire you and your little family for moving and beginning your own family traditions. We all have to follow our own hearts in this life and I'm sure that while your grandparents missed you when you
left the area, they understood that you needed to make your own life. I'm sure the other members understand as well but it's only natural they would miss you, especially during the holidays.
Anyway, I appreciate your advice to all of us who are feeling lost and empty as the holidays draw near. I am thankful for all the years I had with my family, especially all of the holidays we were blessed to be all together and I treasure those memories. It just saddens me that those days are gone forever but I will get through this holiday season just as I have the previous ones and with the help of everyone here, we'll all get through. Thanks Dena, Pecos, and everyone who has shared on this topic.
Gale
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Atl Sweet Pea
- Posts: 4
- Joined: Tue Nov 11, 2008 7:40 pm
Pecos,
Not knowing what it is like to have years of love and holiday gatherings with family. I hope I can encourage you. My story is that by the time I was 19 years old, I had lost both of my parents. I had 2 sisters that were adopted as well as me, therfore we had no Aunts uncles grand-parents or even cousins. So here I am in a big city with a 2 year old daughter. Holidays mother's day Fathers day was all a drag for me as I was divorced as well.
I did make it through though. I eventually moved to Atl where everyone is from somewhere else and those Church and family friends of mone that did not go home for either holiday, we made our own little make-shift family. I had no where to travel to as my 2 sisters and I had bad blood between us most of the time.
So I know how it is to be alone but learned it early on in life. My Anxiety now is that My 2 sister now 50 and 43 have a total of 4 cildren and 1 husband and I have i daughter and we have not had a death in our little clan for almost 30 years and I know something is going to happen to one of us eventually and if I remain I don't know if I could handle it. (the what if's)
I am new and have not yet received the Cd's it should be here any day now but did listen and take note from The Jump start session. So I know that ir negative and hope to combat it with this program. I and my daughter 31 yeras old volunteers during the holidays for the home and year round. This can help so go to a Church or Synagayge or find a local community group.
Hope I have helped in some way. We all have our crosses to bear but at different times in out life.
Not knowing what it is like to have years of love and holiday gatherings with family. I hope I can encourage you. My story is that by the time I was 19 years old, I had lost both of my parents. I had 2 sisters that were adopted as well as me, therfore we had no Aunts uncles grand-parents or even cousins. So here I am in a big city with a 2 year old daughter. Holidays mother's day Fathers day was all a drag for me as I was divorced as well.
I did make it through though. I eventually moved to Atl where everyone is from somewhere else and those Church and family friends of mone that did not go home for either holiday, we made our own little make-shift family. I had no where to travel to as my 2 sisters and I had bad blood between us most of the time.
So I know how it is to be alone but learned it early on in life. My Anxiety now is that My 2 sister now 50 and 43 have a total of 4 cildren and 1 husband and I have i daughter and we have not had a death in our little clan for almost 30 years and I know something is going to happen to one of us eventually and if I remain I don't know if I could handle it. (the what if's)
I am new and have not yet received the Cd's it should be here any day now but did listen and take note from The Jump start session. So I know that ir negative and hope to combat it with this program. I and my daughter 31 yeras old volunteers during the holidays for the home and year round. This can help so go to a Church or Synagayge or find a local community group.
Hope I have helped in some way. We all have our crosses to bear but at different times in out life.
Atl Sweet Pea-your's is a very inspiring story! Thank you for sharing it with us. You are definitely a survivor - one of those amazing people who "when life hands you lemons, you make lemonade". I will recall what you have written and shared when I start feeling sorry for myself because I don't have my family anymore. I was blessed to have my mother for 51 years and I spent every holiday with her. I will try to be thankful for that this holiday season and maybe do something to make someone else's holiday a little brighter as you suggested. And let me tell you, you will be fine when and if someone in your remaining family should die because you've learned from the losses you've already faced that life goes on and so must we. You have done that and you will again. Trust yourself and the good Lord to see you through and you'll be fine no matter what comes your way! God bless you and thanks again.
Gale
Gale
Hi Pecos,
My sincere condolences for all of your tragic losses this year.
I have a couple of thoughts. There is a Native Amercan tradition to always leave one place set at a table, in case someone else needs to show up for a meal. My husband and I have no children, and we always have three places set at our table during the work week. Sometimes that place has been filled by an unexpected guest, and sometimes not. The place setting is spiritual because it provides offering and hope that some traveler will come your way who needs food and friendship.
Me second thought is, if you have empty chairs at your holiday table this year, can you think of any single friend(s) or relative(s) - and/or perhaps even a one or two strangers from a nursing home or other shelter who have no families - who would love to sit at that table with you this holiday season? It could be the ultimate joy for that person and for you as well, to share in the spirit of loving and giving - and it would be a lovely memorial to those whom you have lost. I'm sure they would not want you to be grieving over the holidays
and would rather have you enjoying the gift of a new or renewed friendship - making someone else's day brigher by sharing the true holiday spirit with them.
As my nephews have grown and moved away, we have found our holiday table getting smaller, and so we have begun to ask friends to join our dwindling family gatherings - and it's even more fun than we had anticipated.
So, you do have some positive options to consider. Options for which the angels will smile down upon you.
We lost our dear pet greyhound this year, and also a young cousin. We have another greyhound now, whom we are looking forward to showing the holidays to. And we will talk about our dear cousin and remember all of his kind good ways. Of course, we will miss them both deeply this year. But we will honor them by with these renewed traditions.
Blessings and joy to you and yours,
Tracy
My sincere condolences for all of your tragic losses this year.
I have a couple of thoughts. There is a Native Amercan tradition to always leave one place set at a table, in case someone else needs to show up for a meal. My husband and I have no children, and we always have three places set at our table during the work week. Sometimes that place has been filled by an unexpected guest, and sometimes not. The place setting is spiritual because it provides offering and hope that some traveler will come your way who needs food and friendship.
Me second thought is, if you have empty chairs at your holiday table this year, can you think of any single friend(s) or relative(s) - and/or perhaps even a one or two strangers from a nursing home or other shelter who have no families - who would love to sit at that table with you this holiday season? It could be the ultimate joy for that person and for you as well, to share in the spirit of loving and giving - and it would be a lovely memorial to those whom you have lost. I'm sure they would not want you to be grieving over the holidays
and would rather have you enjoying the gift of a new or renewed friendship - making someone else's day brigher by sharing the true holiday spirit with them.
As my nephews have grown and moved away, we have found our holiday table getting smaller, and so we have begun to ask friends to join our dwindling family gatherings - and it's even more fun than we had anticipated.
So, you do have some positive options to consider. Options for which the angels will smile down upon you.
We lost our dear pet greyhound this year, and also a young cousin. We have another greyhound now, whom we are looking forward to showing the holidays to. And we will talk about our dear cousin and remember all of his kind good ways. Of course, we will miss them both deeply this year. But we will honor them by with these renewed traditions.
Blessings and joy to you and yours,
Tracy
Oh boy do I feel your pain people.
The day before Thanksgiving two years ago my mother was diagnosed with Lung Cancer that had already spread from her lungs to many other parts of her body including her brain. As you can imagine we didn't celebrate Thanksgiving that year. We knew we had other things to be thankful for, but we were in complete shock and couldn't get to a place to be thankful for much of anything.
We spent that holiday season shopping for gifts knowing she wouldn't use them long but hopefully they'd help her through what was to come. I also presented her with a sign we were putting in the garden we were building in her honor.
The garden had been something we were going to do someday but when we found out she was sick we decided now was the time and we'd build it in her honor. I do have to say it's a beautiful spot (It's pretty much our whole front yard) and one in which we enjoy hosting dinner parties.
None the less, holidays are really hard. My father and I are not close and my aunt and uncle whom I love dearly (and their kids) are in another state. So I don't have family either. I try to accept the love my MIL extends but it feels like she just wants to replace my mom.
I know I need to be thankful that I have anyone and I am to a point. It's just the whole I have in my heart from my mom's death shadows a lot. So I understand you pain people. I guess we can take some comfort knowing we aren't the only ones out there.
The day before Thanksgiving two years ago my mother was diagnosed with Lung Cancer that had already spread from her lungs to many other parts of her body including her brain. As you can imagine we didn't celebrate Thanksgiving that year. We knew we had other things to be thankful for, but we were in complete shock and couldn't get to a place to be thankful for much of anything.
We spent that holiday season shopping for gifts knowing she wouldn't use them long but hopefully they'd help her through what was to come. I also presented her with a sign we were putting in the garden we were building in her honor.
The garden had been something we were going to do someday but when we found out she was sick we decided now was the time and we'd build it in her honor. I do have to say it's a beautiful spot (It's pretty much our whole front yard) and one in which we enjoy hosting dinner parties.
None the less, holidays are really hard. My father and I are not close and my aunt and uncle whom I love dearly (and their kids) are in another state. So I don't have family either. I try to accept the love my MIL extends but it feels like she just wants to replace my mom.
I know I need to be thankful that I have anyone and I am to a point. It's just the whole I have in my heart from my mom's death shadows a lot. So I understand you pain people. I guess we can take some comfort knowing we aren't the only ones out there.
Hi kidsisme: So many of us understand this deep lost empty feeling and we know you suffer. I had a feeling of impending lonely doom every time I saw the calendar days tripping toward the holidays. I finally decided to start this thread because of that thought. I have been able to replace that sense of impending doom with other thoughts. I miss my parents. I have missed my brother during holidays for many years (as he died many years ago). I have missed friends who are gone as well. I have been reading voraciously about grief, loss, holidays, and my new status as an adult "orphan." It helps me quite a bit. They are gone from my sight, but not from my heart, and I am so rich for having had them in my life. We are all here for you. When you feel that sadness looming heavy, sign on and tell us. We care about you.
PS: When I was a small child one of our puppies died. My brother and I buried the puppy and my brother (who was 8 years older than me, and ever so wise
) told me that although our puppy was gone, we now had all that extra room in our heart to fill up with love for the rest of the puppies. When people I dearly love pass away, I do believe I love those who are still with me that much more.
PS: When I was a small child one of our puppies died. My brother and I buried the puppy and my brother (who was 8 years older than me, and ever so wise
) told me that although our puppy was gone, we now had all that extra room in our heart to fill up with love for the rest of the puppies. When people I dearly love pass away, I do believe I love those who are still with me that much more.Hi Pecos,
Just read your latest post about all the books you've been reading. If you wouldn't mind listing a few of the book titles you've read pertainig to grief, loss relating to the holidays I certainly would appreciate it. I've tried to read as muc as I can on the topic but I really haven't seen much in the way of being an adult motherless or in your case, orphan child and nothing about coping with the holidays after loss and associated grief. Thanks so much!
Gale
Just read your latest post about all the books you've been reading. If you wouldn't mind listing a few of the book titles you've read pertainig to grief, loss relating to the holidays I certainly would appreciate it. I've tried to read as muc as I can on the topic but I really haven't seen much in the way of being an adult motherless or in your case, orphan child and nothing about coping with the holidays after loss and associated grief. Thanks so much!
Gale
this is a very good thread to start. I can understand being lonely during the holidays. I think now is a good time to count our blessings and try and focus on the positives no matter how negative we want to be. Like today i thought in my head "life sucks" but i wont let myself say it out loud and i make sure to try and stay positive out loud and than that will help me be positive. Does that make sense? After saying to myself "life sucks" I told myself all the things that i am so lucky to have and am grateful for and should appreciate. So after that silly negative thought I said about 10 positive statements because thats what you need to do. I am proud of myself already for some of the accomplishments i have done. I used to be sooooooooo negative!! Now i am much more positive and it just takes practice and realistic self talk.
"Come to me, all who are tired from carrying heavy loads, and I will give you rest. (Matthew 11:28)"
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Mary Wargo
- Posts: 274
- Joined: Wed Feb 06, 2008 12:37 pm
I had found a book on grieving years ago when my mother died, and it did describe us (meaning those of us who had lost a parent) as adult orphans. Which is exactly how I felt at the time too, even though I was in my forties. It was such a tremendous help to me to know that everything I was feeling was really very normal. I'm wondering if it is the same book as Pecos has been reading. ?