I really do not know where to turn and I just haven't been able to talk to anyone I know. Sometimes I think I am making excuses and am weak for not doing what needs to be done....and the list of things I should be doing is growing daily. I do not know where to start. Here is what I am thinking about (at least some of it).
Currently I am unemployed, married with two children. We just missed our mortgage payment and we are behind in almost everything else. My marriage is so stressed now and I dont think I really care. I have been self employed for the last 4+ years and have failed numerous startups. I blame myself for those failures b/c I really dont think I put in the time or effort for them to succeed. I am not sure why. Now when I try to do almost anything, I am hesitant, cannot decide what I should do, and many times feel paralyzed and take no action. My gut feeling tells me that I have been very unhappy with my marriage and I may have NOT wanted to succeed to sabotage my married hoping she'd leave. It sounds outrageous to me most times but I keep coming back to it. Shortly after we became married I realized that my wife wasn't given me the affection I wanted or needed. I'm not 100% talking about sex here. I just didn't feel like she was attracted to me. She has a medical condition that supposedly can affect libido. I guess that includes all affection to...dunno. So I'm not sure if I am sabotaging my success due to it....or do I have some other fear of failure or success. I sometimes think I fear success b/c if I became wildly successful, I'd leave my wife. Now that we have kids, I do not want to lose them nor do I want them to be affected by a divorce (like I was). So it feels like a daily/hourly pull/push of emotions.
I cannot find a job now and once again I feel I am not putting in the effort. Through all of this we have two young children, live in a large home, and used to have a decent lifestyle.
Now the flip side of what has been going on is that I have put us in such a deep whole financially that we will probably loose the house and both our credits have been utterly destroyed. If I were to divorce now...I would put my kids in such a bad position. We'd both have to move in with family (who have no room) or get crappy apartments. I dont even think I could afford one.
I'll add that my main source of enjoyment now is playing an online video game. I barely drink anymore and do not use drugs but I feel I am addicted to playing the game. It seems to be one of the few things I can look forward to and also get away.
I also feel that my wife is very negative. Its been getting me down myself and for the last few years I have been avoiding her in our house. If we do sit and talk, it always seems to go to either she hates her job, her parents bother her, our finances stink, she wants to stay at home with the kids, (and more recently) why cant you find a job, you have no "fire", I worked so hard for this house now I am loosing it...and much more. So now 90% of the time when we talk, the conversation always turns "bad". Any many of those times I seem to go into a deep depression state immedaitely afterward. I do not want to come across as totally a jerk. We are in a very bad situation and most of it is my fault.
There is so much more....and its tough to get this all straight in my head.
Any direction would be appreciated.
Dont Know What to Do
Your situation sounds really complicated and difficult. I think you have taken the first step in reaching out and talking about what you are going through. I'm not a doctor but have been treated for depression and it sounds to me like you may be depressed. You may want to get an evaluation for this. I found that the combination of meds and talk therapy to be very helpful. My husband and I have found couples therapy helpful when we have been stuck in our marriage.
And of course there are Lucinda's tapes also. Hopefully you are spending time each day with them. Focusing on yourself and your own recovery and health might be a place to start.
--Staring to look at and plan for next steps in your career/job life also sounds like a necessary and practical step. What resources are in your community to help with this? What help available for people about to lose their homes? Take good care, Jan
And of course there are Lucinda's tapes also. Hopefully you are spending time each day with them. Focusing on yourself and your own recovery and health might be a place to start.
--Staring to look at and plan for next steps in your career/job life also sounds like a necessary and practical step. What resources are in your community to help with this? What help available for people about to lose their homes? Take good care, Jan
Hi PA guy... I can relate to your situation. I'm unemployed and was also self employed for a few years that got us into debt. I'm currenly going through a chapter 13 bankruptcy to save our house. A chapter 13 will buy you some time if you're really that far down. You can google bankruptcy lawyers in your area if you think you are in danger of losing your house.
I had a talk with my husband the other day about my anxiety and depression. He's a really great guy but he doesn't understand why I can't just stop thinking about certain things, like fears. I was crying when I told him that I have all these things I want to accomplish, like finding another job, quit smoking, do Lucinda's program, paint the house while I'm home, etc, etc. But, the problem being is that I'm too scattered. I don't feel like I'm being sucessful at anything! And that's adding to my depression. We weren't yelling or being snippy, we were communicating. So he told me to concentrate on one thing at a time. He left it up to me and the next day I told him I was going to focus on getting through Lucinda's program first. I really believe that everything else will fall into place once I get a handle on my A&D.
Another similarity we have is computer games. Many people nowadays have that. Playing a game takes my mind off my troubles... but it's also an avoidance technique to real life. Ahhh, to be kids in a game world again! Nope! We're adults now, lol. I have cut back on the games, especially when my husband is home. When he walks through the door now, I get off the computer and spend the evening with him. Try it.
I really don't want a new job right now either. I'm afraid I'll fail again or they won't like me or the job will be boring. So, I have to fix my thoughts first. So do you.
I agree with the poster above who said to have an honest conversation with your wife about your depression. If you feel like a failure, she probably can already see that. An honest open conversation about "feelings" can do wonders to bring you and your wife closer emotionaly, which is important to have for affection to be there. Get close to her again, it's the best chance you've got in your situation. She might want to help you more than you know. Tell her most of what you told us here, except for the wanting out of the marriage part. That's just a "flight" response to YOUR OWN depressed feelings and they probably have very little to do with her in reality. It can be fixed if you face your problems together.
I hope I helped you a even a little, even just to know you're not alone. Come back often and let us know how you're
doing!!
I had a talk with my husband the other day about my anxiety and depression. He's a really great guy but he doesn't understand why I can't just stop thinking about certain things, like fears. I was crying when I told him that I have all these things I want to accomplish, like finding another job, quit smoking, do Lucinda's program, paint the house while I'm home, etc, etc. But, the problem being is that I'm too scattered. I don't feel like I'm being sucessful at anything! And that's adding to my depression. We weren't yelling or being snippy, we were communicating. So he told me to concentrate on one thing at a time. He left it up to me and the next day I told him I was going to focus on getting through Lucinda's program first. I really believe that everything else will fall into place once I get a handle on my A&D.
Another similarity we have is computer games. Many people nowadays have that. Playing a game takes my mind off my troubles... but it's also an avoidance technique to real life. Ahhh, to be kids in a game world again! Nope! We're adults now, lol. I have cut back on the games, especially when my husband is home. When he walks through the door now, I get off the computer and spend the evening with him. Try it.
I really don't want a new job right now either. I'm afraid I'll fail again or they won't like me or the job will be boring. So, I have to fix my thoughts first. So do you.
I agree with the poster above who said to have an honest conversation with your wife about your depression. If you feel like a failure, she probably can already see that. An honest open conversation about "feelings" can do wonders to bring you and your wife closer emotionaly, which is important to have for affection to be there. Get close to her again, it's the best chance you've got in your situation. She might want to help you more than you know. Tell her most of what you told us here, except for the wanting out of the marriage part. That's just a "flight" response to YOUR OWN depressed feelings and they probably have very little to do with her in reality. It can be fixed if you face your problems together.
I hope I helped you a even a little, even just to know you're not alone. Come back often and let us know how you're
doing!!
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Cindy Brady
- Posts: 2
- Joined: Mon Aug 04, 2008 12:48 am
Hey there..I have been there and I know a lot of what you are feeling. There are two very important things you need to do at this point in your life...make a decision and follow through with it. I made mine, and yes I lost my home and had to resolve to a lower standard of living than what I am used to, but I'm in a better
place mentally. Yes, you can find a job, but you have to try consistently. Lastly, the hardest...would be to make a decision on your marriage. You have to decide whether you want to stay or go and follow through with that...again with consistency. It sounds hard to do, but it isn't nearly as hard as living in that perpetual state of sabotage, depression, and general discomfort with who you are and where you are in life. I wish for you the best and I hope you pull yourself but the bootstraps and do what needs to be done for your happiness. P.S. Kids are resilient and need your love support more than a fancy house and material objects. Oh, and get away from the dang games lol...heed this advice from a recovering mmrpg addict.
place mentally. Yes, you can find a job, but you have to try consistently. Lastly, the hardest...would be to make a decision on your marriage. You have to decide whether you want to stay or go and follow through with that...again with consistency. It sounds hard to do, but it isn't nearly as hard as living in that perpetual state of sabotage, depression, and general discomfort with who you are and where you are in life. I wish for you the best and I hope you pull yourself but the bootstraps and do what needs to be done for your happiness. P.S. Kids are resilient and need your love support more than a fancy house and material objects. Oh, and get away from the dang games lol...heed this advice from a recovering mmrpg addict.