I have been exclusively pumping for my 3 month old son since the day he was born. It's been really hard on me, but somehow I got through it...pumping every 2 hours and getting at the most 3 hours of sleep at night. I cant sleep during the day because I have a 5, 4 and 3 yr old to look after.
Well, almost 2 weeks ago, I started to get really...I mean REALLY intense panic attacks. I got scared that it was the pumping causing these attacks (a LLL leader mentioned a newly found condition called Dysphoric-Milk Ejection Reflex (D-MER), but upon reading about this syndrome, I don't believe this describes me and my feelings. Still, the fear is there, irrational as it may be, that the hormones involved in lactating (or perhaps just the sheer stress of exclusively pumping) are triggering my attacks.
So I recently cut down from 8-12x a day to a drastic 3-4x a day. Like, within a day or two I went down to 3-4x a day. I have been doing this for a week now...and though I dont notice a decrease yet (I actually am now getting about 45-50oz a day)...a board that I frequent on exclusively pumping is saying that that can still change and that I NEED to keep pumping...and at least 20-25 minutes, if not more, right now...'this early on'. I feel like..so cheated. This is EARLY??? I feel like I have accomplished nothing...it FEELS like its been a LONG time? 12 weeks is a long time to me...it wasnt my goal...I wanted initially to go to at least 4 months, then it changed to 6 months and then I wanted to go at least a year or more...but that just brings me to tears.
I cant handle doing so many pumps! I cant handle being at the pump for 90+ minutes at a time (this was suggested after I am able to drop pumps). I have other kids! What can I do? What am I SUPPOSED TO DO?
I feel like such a horrible horrible mother.
I cant even be strong enough to give my baby the best, if indeed this will diminish my supply. It hasnt happened YET...but I am really scared that it will. Someone said it could take up to two weeks to notice a decrease.I want to give him nothing but breastmilk...I really do. But I just cant bring myself to go back to that schedule...no sleep...I couldnt even go ANYwhere...without being RUSHED back home to pump (1.5 hours from the end of the last pump to the begining of the next leaves me with basically NO time to do ANYthing when toting around 4 small kids...seriously).
I was just on edge ALL OF THE TIME. GOTTA PUMP. GOTTA GET BACK HOME. GOTTA PUMP. NO I cant help you...mommy has to pump. PUMP PUMP PUMP
Then when I wasnt pumping, I was cleaning..if I wasnt cleaning I was feeding the baby, or cooking or feeding the other kids or cleaning again or ... it was just NEVER ENDING.
:*( How can I forgive myself if my supply takes a dive????
I just read a friend's blog...She has TRIPLETS. They are now 4 months old. She has exclusively pumped for them and is STILL going STRONG. SHE IS STILL GETTING UP in the middle of the night to pump. Still pumping 5x a day (I dont know when she started to drop pumps).
It makes me feel like such a weak and pitiful failure. Here this woman is, with 3 small children (babies)...and is able to feed them nothing but breastmilk (she only has to supplement 1 bottle a day with formula which is just ASTOUNDING given the fact that she is pumping for TRIPLETS), and I cant even muster up the energy to do it for my ONE baby.
I hope my supply stays up. I feel so shameful on that board now...like I am just a piece of trash. It isnt anything anyone said necessarily that made me feel that way...I just feel that way about myself. Such a horrible selfish mommy for not trying hard enough.
I cant put him to breast, or else I would. I have issues with past sexual abuse...and it has kept me from putting my baby on my breast.
I feel like such a freak just because of that. sigh
Will I ever be able to forgive myself? I just cant do it anymore. I cant risk another panic attack.