I just broke up with my boyfriend of two years. I am really...I don't know? Eccentric, wierd, artsy? I guess you could say? I don't know, a lot of the time I am this outgoing, creative, happy person. And I met this guy and was really in love with him from almost the first day we spoke. We had had a crush on eachother for about a year and when we finally got to talking the sparks flew like mad. He really was the first person I had ever met that "got" me.
It wasn't happy all the time, he definitely has some anxiety/depression crap going on with him too. We are both so analytical and look so deeply into things, which can be good, but can also be damaging depending on the situation.
In about April of this year he started to go back and forth with me. We are at a confusing time in our lives so I kind of understood. He said he wasn't only confused with me but with everything in his life. Two months went by and I was miserable, sad all the time. This was the "love of my life!" wanting to leave me, and only sometimes.
The inevitable happened though, he left. I was so broken up that I went to see a girlfriend from work that night and met some of her friends, took drugs and drank like I shouldn't have. I couldn't deal with the pain.
Over that first week I started talking to this guy that I met through my girlfriend at work. He was super nice and full of life, so happy. I know that no one is happy all the time but this guy was so laid back and happy, really. He was just a breath of fresh air.
Then my boyfriend came back to me a week later, crying and carrying on how he had made the biggest mistake in his life. I had been high and drunk all week and had basically threw myself into the arms of this other guy to try to forget about him...I wasn't dealing with my problems in the right way (trust me, I see that now). Anyways, after all those months and esp. that week I had become SO CONFUSED out of HIS confusion...it was awful.
I wanted to go back with him, we spoke and wanted to make it work so badly. But he was so upset all the time and freaking out it just reminded me of any bad times before. I went back and forth for a couple months and then things became physical with the other guy. I was disgusted at myself and kind of snapped out of it. I wanted my boyfriend back.
I told him everything, knowing full well that he may not want me back and I would of understood. But we got back together and I completely stopped talking to the new guy. We have been happy for a few months and went on a trip to Ohio to see The Mars Volta (fav. band!) and then he ended up deciding that he could never get over what happened.
We are split up.
We are both really upset and don't blame the other, but it hurts. He has made all these new friends and seems so happy and I'm so sad. I feel like I will never have love again, not that it defines me as a person...I just feel so alone.
I never made that many friends in high school and I'm commuting to college and know not one person there, my friends are all associated with him and he even WORKS WITH ME. I am a shift supervisor at Panera Bread and have been working there for two and a half years and got him the job there seven months ago. I really want to quit because it's just too hard.
I feel so alone and scared and I just don't know what to do. There's probably more to say but I can't even think right now. I've told my mother everything, including the sex and drugs and everything and she was sympathetic and has been helping me through a lot.
I'm just not sure, please post.
Kim
