Hurtful Words And Hurt Feelings

SusantheChatterbox · Post by **SusantheChatterbox** » Mon Sep 01, 2008 6:05 pm

I was just curious how many others feel like their family members use them for the butt of their jokes and say things to others directly in front of you that really hurts your feelings. I am so tired of my husband and kids saying smart alec remarks about me. I don't know if its the depression talking or whether I have a right to feel so hurt and upset. Tonight for example my husband and I were talking about something and he said "timeout" which got my daughter and brother in law to laughing real hard. When asked by my daughter why he said that he said "because I was stopping her from going on and on and on." It really hurts me when he says something like that. I went into the bathroom and literally did something I haven't done for a long time and that was take my fingernails on my left hand and scratched and scratched my right arm until I had dark red marks on it. I get so darn mad and angry so easy these days. I know mood swings and menopause are part of this but I also know I am so tired of being embarrassed by my husband or kids remarks. The kids aren't near as bad but my husband sometimes can really hurt me. I went to the chatroom tonight, shortly after this incident, but I just couldn't say anything. I felt like I was worthless and not good enough to be in there. I also know these feelings have been with me for years and years starting way back with my Mother (God rest her soul) who kept me on a tight leash not letting me do normal kids things appropriate for my age group. For about 10 years of my marriage my husband smoked marijuanna and drank and had horrible withdrawls when he didn't have any to smoke. He would belittle me, threaten me, cuss at me, scream at me, chase me outside, verbally abuse me, and through all that took my self esteem away. He is a completely different person today as far as the drugs (hasn't smoked/drank for probably 6 years now) and he has turned his life completely over to God. He goes to church faithfully and is truly a very caring person. I know that he really doesn't mean to hurt my feelings but because of my past each time he does it he brings up very hurtful memories and I just can't let go of them. Why do I let things (even the smallest remarks that I know aren't meant to hurt me) hurt me so bad. Sorry I have vented for so long. If anyone who reads this feels like I do please let me know and tell me how you deal with it.

Thanks and God bless,
Susan

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Sep 01, 2008 6:33 pm

Susan,

I think the expectations session could help with some of this. However, everyone's personality is different. For example, my fiance and I joke around all the time. He likes working out in his garage a lot on the weekends...I will walk out there and he'll say something like "Oh no, what NOW???" (Joking around) Then I will say something like, "Oh honey, I was just coming out here to make your life miserable! (wink, wink)"

Perhaps you are not feeling secure in your husband's love or not secure in yourself? If they are not ugly comments, and are said in jest, then perhaps you are over reacting. If this is the case then the problem isn't with those outside of you, it is within you. You are the only one who can change it, and you are the only one who can make yourself feel better.

Start focusing on yourself. Maybe start joking back!! I myself ramble on (have you noticed yet?

) and my fiance teases me about this all the time...it doesn't bother me though. I know this about myself and don't think it means anything bad nor does it mean anything is wrong with me. It's actually kind of cute when you can joke about your quirks. Sometimes joking about them in a cute way keeps you from looking at them negatively & helps to keep them from annoying you.
So, in a sense, if you really do go on and on, you could look at it as though your husband thinks it's a funny little quirk you have instead of an annoying habit!

I think you should definitely tell him what's going on. I hope you start feeling better soon!!!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Sep 02, 2008 8:47 am

I agree with Frances. Let me add an idea. I wonder if your family (especially your husband and children) have any idea how these remarks insult and belittle you? Would you feel comfortable telling them? I used to hear constant insults (negative comments said to me, about me, by another person). Early in the program for me, I wondered what a good tool would be from this program. The program Educational Director, Carolyn, responded. Her reply was so good, it went right onto a card which I carried. I used her suggested replies until I've pretty much handled the problem. You can find it listed under the Depression Forum: What to do when a person says negative things about you, to you.
You have to stand up for yourself in good healthy ways.
I wish you the best. Keep posting. We care about you.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Sep 02, 2008 9:56 am

Thank you both for your replies. Yes I have told my husband how much it hurts me and embarrasses me to. He did come in to our bedroom and told me he was sorry that he didn't mean it the way it sounded. I just have a huge problem with negative remarks about me. Maybe if I heard a lot more positive ones it wouldn't bother me so bad.

Thanks again and God bless,
Susan