I need help someone I feel so alone

lovingmysummer · Post by **lovingmysummer** » Wed Oct 21, 2009 8:35 am

I am new to this forum and, I have never tried this before. I was wondering if you are willing to help me or if you know someone who can? I have a very long drawn out story of my life hanging over my head. The people I thought who would be there my entire life aren't anymore and, I feel like they abandoned me.......my parents. I'm twenty two and, I am willing to share my story with you if you will listen. I am married and, I have a eight month old daughter. I fear I am suffering from double depression but, I have not talked to a doctor yet my parents are very very religious and judgmental and, told me God would heal me and, if I didn't believe that I'm not a true christian. I need help I feel like I have put the blame on my husband and, its driving us apart. So if your willing to help or point me in the right direction I would greatly appreciate it! God Bless You!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Oct 23, 2009 4:34 am

Hi,

I can relate to you in many ways from what you've shared. If you want to even private message me to talk by clicking on my name and inviting me to a private topic, I would be happy to chat with you. My father in law is a prominent Baptist preacher, and in many "subtle" ways that people on the outside can't see, refuse to see, etc, he and my mother in-law are spiritually abusive. I highly recommend the book, "The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse" which is written by a Christian pastor. It has been integral to my healing, and I often have to refer back to it when I'm having a hard time. The stories I have are numerous. The in-law's are highly controlling, and when you don't do exactly what they want you to do, they will say that going against them is going against God. My husband and I have been married for almost 14 years and our priorities are God, our marriage, and our son who has severe autism. My in-law's reject our son because of his autism(not in a public way-they actually go out of their way to make their congregation think it's us rejecting very loving grandparents-it's really deceptive), and it got to a point where one family member on their side said our son was going to hell because he has autism. Anyway, there is so much there, and my husband and I had to cut off contact with them completely.

Everything came to a head this summer when they were getting their other son to send us messages saying Jesus condemned us to death for not "honoring" them. We finally spoke back to the brother in law because he has a history of alcohol use and driving under the influence. We told him that we were just trying to keep our marriage together and take care of our son, and that they were all stressing us out by rejecting our son and judging us. We asked him how he could say Jesus condemns us to death for that when he has actually almost killed people. My brother in law kept sending harassing e-mails saying that we were "disgusting". Then one day, my husband got an e-mail from one of my brother in law's friends with links to news papers that showed that my brother in law had lead police officers on a high speed chase across many counties while drunk and almost killed several people in the process. So, although it seems "subtle" spiritual abuse is a very big deal, and nothing to be taken lightly. We may not always see in this lifetime that God deals with people who spiritually abuse us, but He does, and He doesn't take it lightly.

I don't know what my father in law's church thinks of him after that, but I doubt they care about the destruction these people cause even after that. My in-law's always find a way to spin it as if they are the victims. I think the congregation may be taught not to question his authority or that having discernment is "judgment" (even though he has no problem giving that to others such as a mother of a child with severe autism and his own grand child who has a condition he can't control) on the in-laws and "unchristian". Who knows?

Last year, they sent one of their church members up to my husband's work, and he acted as if my husband was under my "witchy" control and demanded that my husband meet with him, etc. It was really horrible. Right now, there's an entire church who thinks that I am a an evil witch, and I just can't think about what strangers and misinformed people think of me. All that matters is that God loves me, knows the truth of my relationship with Him and my dependence on Him. No one ever has the right to tell you where you stand in your relationship with God, and your parents using their position in the ministry to make you feel like if you aren't healed that you aren't a Christian and causing you to question your salvation is extremely abusive! Sometimes God heals people miraculously and suddenly, but it certainly isn't always that way, and if not getting healed suddenly is a sign of being "unchristian" than every Christian is in trouble. Anyway, how can these people tell you you aren't trusting God enough, when they are your parents and acting abusively towards you? I mean, they are in the ministry and misrepresenting God as being harsh and shaming and wanting to reverse your salvation at any tiny thing, so it wouldn't be anything BUT HARD to trust God if that's what you think He's like because of them! God understands, and He wants to show you who He REALLY is, and it's not the way they are, I promise you.

I must warn you that this is all very painful to face, but so worth it in the long run. My birth parents abandoned me a long time ago, and it made me so vulnerable to trusting my in-law's and their loving image. Shortly after my son was diagnosed with autism, and I saw my in-laws for who they really were, the pain of abandonment felt very crushing. During that time, a group from another church we attended came to pray for me and told me to read Psalm 27. They had no idea exactly what I was going through with family, but the verse that stood out the most and comforts me the most from Psalm 27 is "If your mother and your father abandon you, God will adopt you." So, no matter your parents' spiritual abuse towards you, God has adopted you. He is your true Heavenly Father. He is with you. He loves you, and your parents are powerful people in your life that God meant to give you love, but they are sinning and not reflecting God to you and really hurting you. I don't know why, but you don't deserve it, and God really hates that that is happening to you.

All of us have weaknesses, whether it's anxiety, etc. No human alive doesn't have a weakness, but what does God tell us about that? Does He say you aren't a Christian? No. Paul said that he would even "boast about his weaknesses because when I am weak, He is strong!" "My grace is sufficient for thee!"

There's also a good book on shame that I have ordered. I really like to listen to a great radio program called middayconnection.org During their program at noon, they feature many christian authors. The longer I deal with the spiritual abuse issue, the more discernment I have about when to listen to the program and when not to(if the author seems too legalistic or shaming I don't listen which is rare), but I get a lot of great book suggestions from this program, and they have many great and wonderful Christian authors. You can go there and click on their archives and the program is called, "Released from Shame" and I think the author is Susan Nelson. She's very loving, and I bet her book will be really great. Your parents are shaming you for having anxiety, and that isn't going to help you, and it's the last thing God wants for you to feel. Just listen to the author speak about her own abandonment and shame, and I think you will feel better.

God bless you,
luvpiggy

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Oct 23, 2009 5:12 am

I'll listen to share your story. Will check back later.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Oct 23, 2009 8:18 am

Good Afternoon, Lovely, Powerful women of God! I am beyond words as to the response I have received from you lovely ladies. This is absolutely incredible and, the things you all have said will stick with me throughout my life. My heart goes out to all of you, you are my sisters in Christ and, I finally found somewhere I belong. I seriously was going through the days saying to my husband "I can't be the only one who has dealt with this......There has to be one person who can understand my pain.........and, I will find her!" Well I didn't find just her I found tons of stories that are similar to mine but this morning this one sticks out and above in my mind.

I am in shock luvpiggy your story is different from mine, BUT "The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse" is what I have dealt with since I was a young child. No more than five years old I saw my life was changing for the worst but, I trusted in God thinking it would get better. I think I should start from the beginning and, maybe you ladies will understand why this story that luvpiggy just shared is so near and dear to my heart. I don't know how you knew to say the things you did sweetheart but, I can NOT thank you enough! This is my story:

My parents met in a church in Washington State and, my Dad was stepping in as an usher and, my Mother was playing the piano at the front of the church. When I heard this growing up I thought, how wonderful they met in a church and, I would give anything to meet my future spouse this way. These are the things going through a five year old's mind. But even being five years old and, hearing this story time and time again there was a darkness from the beginning that was being hidden. A false prophecy if that makes sense. I never understood why I felt this way. My Father saw my Mother and immediately thought this is the woman he was supposed to marry.

My Grandma on my moms side has now told me almost 22 years later that back then they were going to call off the wedding because, my Dad was being so controlling to my Mother. Telling her how she should worship and, that she has a long ways to go to be part of Gods house. I was in shock that no one had ever told me this as this would have put my heart at rest as to why my life was so rocky....... But, now I know the truth. My Grandma tells me that the wedding continued because my Grandma insisted they still marry. So on the 21st of December they said their vows. Not knowing just how bad of a decision they were making being "unequally yolked."

My mother grew up in the church and, she was what was considered to my father as a "luke warm" christian. A baptist who only went to church on Sundays and, this would not stand. If he didn't have fellowship with her a fight would occur. A discussion as he puts it with his choice of words and, my mother was very meek even before I was born and, would just listen never standing up for herself.

Well on September 29, 1987 I was brought into this world almost a year after their marriage. They named me Amber because they said I was their jewel in the dark world. My Father worked and my mother kept house. We seemed like the perfect little Christian family my Mom teaching me bible verses, songs, and the wonderful art of praying. I grew up listening to Judy Rogers. My grandma would sing Songs with me like go to the ant, and Isabelle is a pig, those cute songs I'm sure some of you grew up with or taught to your children. I loved spending those times with Grandma and Grandpa but, then something happened and, my parents decided to move away from my grandparents because my Dad didn't want them influencing my Mother. He never thought her parents were anything but "luke warm" Christians too.

To make a long story short my childhood was pleasant until I turned five and, then they had their first big argument. My mother grabbed me and, was driving away for good but, she said the spirit of God came over her and told her to return to her husband. This was only the beginning or arguments I watched and, listened to. My parents tried to work everything out and, my Mother said she would never leave him again. I was very confused being that young and, all but had heard some very colorful words directed at my Mother.

When I was growing up with my parents we moved to over five states over a course of twenty or so years. We lived in over 40 different locations.....I know it's more than that but, I didn't keep track it was heart wrenching to move each time. In 1995 my mother had an ectopic pregnancy. In 1999 she gave birth to a beautiful baby boy born with Trisomy 18. Benjamin was the miracle they thought that would save their marriage. After all having only one child was never enough for them. I was never enough to make them happy they would say I would understand when I got older.

to be continued......sorry lol baby fussy.........

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Oct 23, 2009 9:35 am

I love this true story of your life!!! Thank you so much for sharing this with all of us..
I can barely wait to hear the ending of this story

God Bless You!!!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Oct 23, 2009 10:54 am

ok breathe lol I literally had ten years of memories typed and clicked post and, its gone.......sigh

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Nov 02, 2009 7:35 am

My parents met in a church in Washington State and, my Dad was stepping in as an usher and, my Mother was playing the piano at the front of the church. When I heard this growing up I thought, how wonderful they met in a church and, I would give anything to meet my future spouse this way. These are the things going through a five year old's mind. But even being five years old and, hearing this story time and time again there was a darkness from the beginning that was being hidden. A false prophecy if that makes sense. I never understood why I felt this way. My Father saw my Mother and immediately thought this is the woman he was supposed to marry.

My Grandma on my moms side has now told me almost 22 years later that back then they were going to call off the wedding because, my Dad was being so controlling to my Mother. Telling her how she should worship and, that she has a long ways to go to be part of Gods house. I was in shock that no one had ever told me this as this would have put my heart at rest as to why my life was so rocky....... But, now I know the truth. My Grandma tells me that the wedding continued because my Grandma insisted they still marry. So on the 21st of December they said their vows. Not knowing just how bad of a decision they were making being "unequally yolked."

My mother grew up in the church and, she was what was considered to my father as a "luke warm" christian. A baptist who only went to church on Sundays and, this would not stand. If he didn't have fellowship with her a fight would occur. A discussion as he puts it with his choice of words and, my mother was very meek even before I was born and, would just listen never standing up for herself.

Well on September 29, 1987 I was brought into this world almost a year after their marriage. They named me Amber because they said I was their jewel in the dark world. My Father worked and my mother kept house. We seemed like the perfect little Christian family my Mom teaching me bible verses, songs, and the wonderful art of praying. I grew up listening to Judy Rogers. My grandma would sing Songs with me like go to the ant, and Isabelle is a pig, those cute songs I'm sure some of you grew up with or taught to your children. I loved spending those times with Grandma and Grandpa but, then something happened and, my parents decided to move away from my grandparents because my Dad didn't want them influencing my Mother. He never thought her parents were anything but "luke warm" Christians too. We lived in Las Vegas,Nevada for a while when I was young and, they took me to all those fun things like circus circus, treasure island, etc. but, they didn’t like seeing nude pictures on every telephone pole, etc. They thought it was not the type of place they should be raising their daughter so again we moved outside of Las Vegas away from our apartment………into the desert in a travel trailor. Yes I do mean the desert………..felt like we were in the middle of no where.

To make a long story short my childhood was pleasant until I turned five and, then they had their first big argument. We were living in the travel trailor at the time and,my mother grabbed me and, was driving away for good but, she said the spirit of God came over her and told her to return to her husband. This was only the beginning or arguments I watched and, listened to. My parents tried to work everything out and, my Mother said she would never leave him again. I was very confused being that young and, all but had heard some very colorful words directed at my Mother. One night my dad came close to death when a rattlesnake almost bit his ankle and, another night their were cries in the middle of the night from a woman in the desert who needed help. I woke up and, asked mom what was going on but, she said to stay where we were. My dad has told me this story time and time again it was pitch black outside and, he had his cell phone and, called the police because a young woman was screaming for help. He didn’t know where she was all he knew is she needed help. Within minutes we heard a helicopter over head tracking down the man who was hurting the woman and, as far as my dad knows she got away. Life was crazy it seemed like everywhere we lived my dad wasn’t happy and, my mom and, him continued to argue off and on.

My early childhood is blurry for the most part I have photographs to portray happiness. I never felt truly happy. I felt confused and, I relied on my parents for everything. I was a only child and, they did their best to spoil me. I honestly didn’t care about presents……I enjoyed spending time with my parents more than anything. They were open minded at the time listening to all sorts of music and, my mom taking me weekly to the movies. My mom and, I’s relationship was like Lorelais and Rorys on Gilmore Girls it was perfect. We did everything together she was my best friend. I had a few close child hood friends but none of them really stuck because we moved so much. I went back and forth between public school and, homeschooling. I taught myself since my Mom worked long hours for my dads company and, then she came home and graded my work for the day.

We moved to Arizona and, continued to live in the travel trailor and, lived in many places in Arizona. We moved so much I lost count of how many times honestly. Finally we moved into a nice ranch house and, my dream of having a horse like I always had was on my mind. I asked my dad if I could have a horse and, one night he surprised me with a beautiful arabian filly named Artina. She was chestnut brown and, she was full of life. I woke up one night went outside and, saw that my dream had come true. That dream was short lived as she was not halter broken, saddle broken and, barely would let you touch her ears as she had been abused as we later found out. Every time I tried to ride her I got bucked off and, it was a long drawn out process. So my dream of being a cowgirl was short lived and, she became solely a horse to brush and love on but, never ride. One day she got out of her stall and, almost jumped the front gate but, she sprained her back leg and, after that she was very mild in temperment.

I guess some misunderstanding had occurred and, I have no idea what but, the previous woman who had owned it switched the locks we were kicked out of the hosue we were leasing and, we lost all the things we had in the house and, had to start from scratch something to do with the man leasing it to us was married to her and, they didn’t agree on leasing it or something. I don’t know but that was a very un fun experience as I lost all the things in my room and, we again had to move.

The woman down the street had just lost her horse and, I asked her if she wanted Artina because I was moving to Payson, AZ. She said she didn’t have any money to pay me for her and, for the first time in a long time I said something no ten year old says “God wants you to have her………..you don’t have to pay me anything just give her a good home.” She didn’t know what to say and, gladly took her. I couldn’t take Artina with me because the house we were going to was small and, not a ranch house……no room for a horse. My dad promised me he would buy me a palamino one day later on down the road but, promises……promises it never happened.

Okay so not to confuse you so I will elaborate on what happened. When I was growing up with my parents we moved to over five states over a course of twenty or so years. California, Washington, Nevada, Arizona, Texas, Florida, back to Arizona and, once again back to Florida. We lived in over 60 different locations.....I know it's more than that but, I didn't keep track it was heart wrenching to move each time. In 1995 after moving to Payson, AZ my mother had an ectopic pregnancy. I remember being in the hospital praying for her to get better. They didn’t know if she would live through that experience as she had gone through so much pain. God was watching over her though and, she slowly was getting better. We don’t know if it was a boy or girl all we know is there was no heart beat. My Mom and, I went together to the ultrasound and, she was in shock when we didn’t hear anything.

My dad had bought a four wheeler and, would take me out riding. What little snow payson did have was fun to four wheel in and, he would attach a sled to the back for the neighbor kids and, I to have fun. It was a lot of fun and, he told me I never had to worry about getting hurt. Mom didn’t like to ride on it and, she was pregnant again at the time. So she steered clear of it and, let dad take me out riding.

It was fall and, the leaves were falling beautifully on the hillside where we were riding. Dad had me on the back of the four wheeler and, he decided to take a short cut back to mom. She stayed by the truck and, waited for our arrival……..it was just a family outing but, it turned into a disaster. He wanted to take a short cut that included going up a very steep hill. I remember going up the hill and, I remember the sound the tires made as the leaves crunched underneath us. The next part is a bit blurry however because the four wheeler slid down the hill and I fell off onto the ground and, my father landed on top of me with his back planted firmly into my chest. I felt like I could barely breath and, I blanked out completely. When I came to my Dad explained he had flipped the four wheeler over both of us or it would have crushed us. I still don’t know what to believe about that……….but, I do remember the excruciating pain that was going through my chest and, back. Dad asked if I needed to go to the hospital and, I said “I don’t know I am having a hard time breathing……and, I have some spots of my body that hurt badly.” But after about an hour I was able to breath and, they didn’t take me to the hospital. My mom was pregnant and, watched the four wheeler fall down the hill………I am sure she panicked.

After that My dad tried many things to make him happy and, feel appreciated which even included opening up a country, pop, rock dance club for the youth of Payson. After that failed he just figured he was supposed to have more kids and, keep working. He was a country man at the time we were living in the mountains and, he was all about being a cowboy. A lot of meaningless things happened more fights occurred off and, on and my parents were dead set on having a baby still.
So my parents had kept trying for a child and, In 1999 she gave birth to a beautiful baby boy born with Trisomy 18. Benjamin was the miracle they thought that would save their marriage. After all having only one child was never enough for them. I was never enough to make them happy they would say I would understand when I got older. Those are not the types of things an eleven year old wants to hear. She wants to feel loved appreciated, things that I never truly felt. When I would not have fellowship the way my father wanted me to with him he took it as a mockery and, would call me dumb, stupid, immature, all the while I was only eleven growing up extremely fast…..not because I wanted to but, because I was being raised as if I was already fourteen, fifteen years old maybe.
So Benjamin was born on June 21st, 1999 and, I was sitting in the waiting room with my grandparents that had flown to experience his birth. I was waiting for a cry which never came. I was waiting to hear that noise that would tell me he was ok but, instead I saw nurses and doctors running to my mothers hospital room. I looked at my Grandma and, she had a look of concern in her eyes and, I was now very scared. It seemed like hours and, then I saw my dad walking down the hall way saying “They have to fly him to phoenix they don’t have the treatment here that he needs.” We were in Payson, AZ and, the hospital was far too small to treat a baby with Trisomy 18. So my dad told me to go outside with him and, then we saw Benjamin being rolled past us and, put onto a helicopter. I kept asking “why can’t I hold my little brother?” dad didn’t say anything he just looked at the helicopter as it took off with a far off expression. I was shedding tears and, he didn’t even seem to notice. I said “daddy I love you” and, he finally clicked back to the present time and place.

He grabbed my hand and, we went back into the hospital with mom. Mom was very tired and, she was crying a lot. My grandparents were asking her if she wanted to stay down in phoenix with her son or what she wanted to do. She made the decision since money was tight and we couldn’t afford to stay down in phoenix that we would drive back and, forth. Stay as long as we could visiting and, come back home to Payson at the end of visiting hours. It was exhuasting to wake up early and, ride four hours (to and from) in the car. I saw my little brother for the first time and, he was hooked up with many tubes and, a breathing machine as he could not breath on his own. He even had a needle in his soft little head. That was the most gut wrenching part. I was very nervous in the hospital and, I still am to this day when I have to go. My little brother was very small but, I believe he was full term. It’s just with Trisomy 18 he was in very bad shape. He was very precious with such dark blue eyes that flickered open to see me when I looked at him. Such a Beautiful baby boy I never imagined what was coming next.

Seven days passed and, Benjamin was not getting any better. There was talk of removing life support and, I didn’t know what that meant……I was very confused. No one explained anything to me and, I had no idea what was going on. I just knew my little brother must be in pain from all the things he was having to go through. I prayed for God to remove the pain from my little brother daily. So when someone finally explained it to me that if Benjamin breathed on his own without lift support it was meant to be for him to live with us…………..I prayed for God to take him home. I even remember what I said to this day in the car silently. “God you can take better care of my little brother. You will make sure nothing happens to him and, I am trusting you will take him home where he belongs. Amen”

We got to the hospital and, they removed life support and, I got to hold my little brother for the first time he was so small and fragile. I was a proud big sister and, I remember looking into his eyes and, singing “you are my sunshine” He actually looked like he was smiling when I sang. Two hours passed and, my dad held him also but, mostly mom. I remember dad had left to get some fresh air and, mom was sitting in the rocking chair with him in her arms and, she was drifting to sleep looking at him. I was sitting on the floor next to her and holding his little hand. When he breathed his last breath his little body was so calm and, peaceful he glanced at me and, closed his little eyes. I looked at mom and, she said “honey he’s gone” and he started crying. I hugged mom and, the nurse came in and, she held onto mom. Mom said “you need to go tell daddy please amber.” So I made the walk which turned into a run to the hallway where he was and, could barely say the words to him.

His funeral was small not many people came to it. He had a light blue casket with blue feathers on it and, he looked like an angel sleeping silently. Not like the pictures that came in the mail where his little body looked bruised and, purple. Those pictures still haunt me to this day that came from the morgue. I have a hard time seeing any dead body on the tv etc without thinking of him. I wasn’t supposed to see the pictures but they were left out on the counter and, my mom said she was keeping them to remind her he was in a much better place now. My mother wanted to have him cremated so he could go everywhere with her but, I was hurt by this and said “mom hasn’t he been through enough already?” She was in shock I think because this was the first thing I had said since his death. Dad looked angry and, said “it’s your mothers decision not yours.” I was about to cry when mom looked at me and, said with tears in her eyes and, said “your right amber” I had brought a little lamb that was soft and, placed it in the casket with him. I kissed him on the forehead and, said my goodbyes and, we drove to the cemetary. We left as they were lowering him into the ground and, I remember looking out the car window saying “your in a better place your sliding down rainbows………your happy I love you and, I will see you again one day.”

The next weeks were extremely hard mom didn’t want to go anywhere but the cemetary and, Dad didn’t really want to go. I sat by my little brothers grave and, read to him bible verses and, sang him songs it was hard but, I wanted him to know I was still watching over him. My mom watched me silently and, then she would go for a walk and, I would stay for hours talking to him. I would ask how my lamb was and, I knew he was taking good care of it. I remember crying because I missed him a lot and, still do but all in all I knew he was in a better place even though I was so young. When I returned back to school however was when it hit me the hardest.

I had three or four amazing friends who stuck by me through those years and, they said “everything will be alright you have us.” I knew they were right but, I also knew Payson was a small town. Kids were mean they would come up to me and, say “we read about your brother in the paper.” Then behind my back I would hear them say “she probably killed him” it was so hard, so mind boggling that people thought that way about me when I did nothing but love him. I went home that day and, I had been going to church for a while now on my own and, I said “I want to be baptized.” My parents looked like they were in shock when I said it. I had asked Jesus into my heart when I was young and, I had asked him into my heart probably two years prior to this and, I wanted to make sure God knew that I loved Him and, that I would spend eternity with him and, my little brother of course.

So here’s the kicker to all of this those kids that were saying those nasty things about me were sitting in the sanctuary almost all of them went to that little church. I was in Sunday school with them before the baptism took place and I walked right up to them and, said “my little brother went to be with God because he was in pain. I would never do anything to hurt my little brother. You claim to love God and, not to want to hurt others but, you have hurt me. I understand that you don’t know whats going on but, don’t jump to conclusions because God see’s all, hears all, and knows all.” My Sunday school teacher watched me and, smiled. I went to the sanctuary and, was baptized in front of all those people and, I said a prayer for my little brother as I was dunked into the water. I felt renewed and, at peace my parents looked like they were proud that I had done this on my own but, they never said anything.

A couple months passed and, my Dad thought it would be a good idea to move to Texas to be closer to my Mamaw in Tennessee. Her health was not all that great and, my Papaw had passed away after having open heart surgery a couple years before. It was very hard on my Mamaw I remember going to that funeral and, her holding his hand and, crying. I remember her looking lost and, confused without him. I remember singing “amazing grace” at his funeral with my dad and, my dad barely being able to make it through the song. It was very hard going to so many funerals in such a short amount of time.

So we said our goodbyes to Payson………..I left my childhood friends and, moved to Corpus Christi, TX. Upon unloading the Uhaul we received a phone call that my Mamaw had passed away. It was the hardest thing I think my father had to hear. He fell to the floor at my knees and wept like a little boy. He said “I’m sorry for everything I have put you through I was just trying to be a good father and, I screwed up horribly.” I knelt down and, hugged him and said “we will be ok daddy I love you” We moved twice when we were in Texas. The first time I dealt with some neighbors that were huge bullies to me and, I feared for my life when they told me that I was better off dead. I was christian and, they felt like they didn’t want a christian as a neighbor. Some pretty twisted things I had to deal with. My Dad was starting to pay less and less attention to me and, more to arguing with Mom.

So with that said I poured myself into the one thing I knew I would enjoy, and would feel blessed about…….church. I had always been big on listening to inspirational music and, reading my bible but, as I turned thirteen that intensified it became the only thing that made sense……….God was the only thing making sense. Promises were broken when I asked if my parents would go to church with me so being fed up and, just wanting God I asked to be dropped off and, went alone. I met the pastors daughter Marlana and, she was beautiful, sweet, funny, all the things I needed in a friend and wanted. She asked me to sing at the front of the sanctuary with her and, so I poured myself into choir. I loved it……….it was the first time I felt God truly working in me. At thirteen years old my life included homeschooling, church praise music singing, teaching awana and, summer bible study, and spending time with my friend Marlana. I was busy I didn’t notice my parents arguing as much and, I was happy. I even went to the senior citizen bible study, I was in everything you can think of at a church. Bake sales, charity events, missionary local work. I was busy for God and, oh so happy. I did this until I was fifteen. Two amazing years of serving God in every way, shape and form. Sleep was not a big thing to me but, when I was home I mostly slept to avoid the confrontation that was going on between my parents. Slowly I started to notice things were changing and, not in a good way. I was so involved in church though that I thought everything was ok.

My Dad saw better opportunity in Florida and, we took a couple trips to see what the economy was like. It was a beautiful place that we had never been to and, my dad fell in love with it quickly. Since work didn’t appear to be picking up we made the arrangements to move to the panhandle of Florida and, dad started advertising even before we got to our new house. Loading up the last box into the uhaul we received a phone call telling my dad he had just received a $200,000 project in Texas. My dad was confused but, still made the move. He blamed me and, my mother about six months later when no work appeared to be showing up in our new residence. His anger intensified and, he said “why didn’t we advise him to stay put in texas?” Because it’s not a fifteen year olds job to tell her parents what they should do and, he was the man of the house we just followed him when he wanted to move.

He had acted liked it was my moms job to keep house, and help with his business. Every time she even thought about making friends she backed down and, thought about his business first and fore most. She was a christian and, she knew that her place was to be there for her husband. She was a hard worker at home, she was his secretary, his billing advisor, everything. She worked long hours for his painting business as did I when I didn’t have school or some other form of obligation. Church was never an obligation it was my passion. Dad and, Mom went to church off and on but it never stuck with them. My dad would say “I’m a man of God……….I was a man of God long before you……..I don’t need church you do amber.” So not wanting to hear him whine anymore I went on my own once again. I started public school………..again and, I felt so out of place. We lived a block away from the beach so that’s normally where I went when I needed time alone. My parents were arguing and, it became too much so rather than spending only summers with my grandparents in Washington state like I had been doing since I was about eight I asked if I could come for a visit. They came down in their van and, got me and, I got a much needed break from my parents. I spent time with my cousins and, went to several family reunions. I spent about two months with my family and, then we drove back to Florida. Long drive…………but hey the road trip was beautiful. So with that said my grandparents said “things must be better with your parents we haven’t heard anything.” So I went back to school and, did the one thing any girl who is trying to fit in does and, I became a cheerleader…….I did volleyball……I did tennis……..I did soccer……..in payson,az I had done softball……….basically anything to make me feel wanted.

I kept going to church and, I even started a bible study at school during lunch period for those who wanted to join. I got judged but I didn’t care it was all for God. Well my parents marriage was on the rocks still and, I was becoming depressed because I had no friends to run to. I met a boy who was dark skinned and, he seemed sweet when he would send me notes telling me he liked me so we dated for about a week and, then I discovered what it means to have a guy cheat on you. I hadn’t had a first kiss or anything I only allowed him to hold my hand I wanted to go slow. I wanted to be responsible. When I went to my first dance I found out by him telling me he was changing schools as he had gotten two girls pregnant. Now I knew what sex was when I was seven my friends at school were telling me about it. I never heard it from my parents because they didn’t want to have “the talk” but, I knew I wanted to stay a virgin and, remain pure for God. So when this young man told me this I was shocked about what his decision was.

I was a sophomore in high school when my parents decided to move again to Naples, Fl for more work and, I volunteered at the humane society and, taught awana classes at church for kindergarten aged children. We had two amazing sets of neighbors…….neither were christian but I was open minded. My parents how ever were becoming very non open minded. My best friend if you could believe it was a eight year old girl across the street I was like her mentor since she didn’t have a big sister. No siblings actually just like me so we clicked. The lady next door was the woman I worked with at the humane society. Life seemed ok their were a few off and on fights with the parents. I would shut them out and, yes this was my dark period……..I listened to evanescence, linkin park etc. I still like that kind of music but, not for the same reasons. My dad was starting to get very verbally abusive with his choice of words and, then a hurricane came a week later and, again we moved.

Arizona here we come………..lol. So work was slow again and, I ask myself was it really work that was slow………….or did my dad put a curse on his marriage and, family since he wasn’t listening to God. Here is the second kicker when we were loading up the uhaul again he got a call for work a $300,000 project this time. He thought it was too late to turn back so we still moved. Now we had not been back to Arizona since after my brothers death and, they were skeptical on how much the economy had changed but, I went with them and, we moved back to Scottsdale, AZ area. Dad made his reality come true and, bought a house……..his first house. He was proud of himself because the economy was so poor. He was becoming very strange and, added three security cameras onto the house. He never really paid attention to the monitors he just always said “make sure you change the tape girls so we don’t miss anything.” About two or three months after living there his work trailer was stolen while we were working a project of 40 patio homes. He blamed who? That’s right us girls for not catching it on tape. He screamed at us calling us stupid and, irresponsible and, told us if we had done our part this would not have happened…………..again more verbal abuse……and, it was getting worse as the days passed.

We lived in Fountain Hills, AZ and, I worked my first real job besides working for my parents…. at a Target. I loved my job I was making money, I was happy for the most part and, I even started dating a young man. He later turned out to be gay and, I realized that’s why I never got my first kiss lol. But all in all my life was ok. Church was always the center of it and, my parents insisted by this point that they were the ones who had pushed me to be in church and, if it weren’t for them I would be lost. God is the only one who guided me to him even when I was young yes they talked about Jesus but, it was my choice to go. It was my God that got me through.

So after we finsihed that project he sold the house and, we moved up to Payson, AZ AGAIN……….He bought a cute little victorian type house and, restored it and, we visted Benjamin for the first time in I don’t know how many years. Dad got the idea to fix up all the other babies graves with flowers because no one visited them. It looked like a rainbow of flower vases when he was finsihed. I mean my dads heart was in the right place……………..and, he does have a heart to this day but, its in the wrong place as my husband has said so many times. His actions speak louder than his words and, his words spoke pretty loudly as well. I had my first real boyfriend and, my parents were at each others throats. I told my boyfriend that I was getting so tired of being in the middle of everything.

My parents would come to me and, say that I needed to pick a side because the threatened to be divorced and, told me they only were staying together till I turned eighteen. I was in shock this was the first time they told me this and, I was now seventeen I think. So I cried to my boyfriend and, told him they are going to divorce and, he tried to be a comfort but, he was the wrong guy for me. I had my first kiss with him and, we went to church together but, he cheated on me twice he later told me and, I ended the relationship after my own parents telling me they signed the papers and, were officially divorced……….all this happened around the same time as each other.
I was in a pit of depression, I was weak and, my friend at the time was dying to set me up with her guy friend. So it had been about a week and I agreed to meet him. He appeared to be sweet and, all the above so I gave him my number and, we talked and, ended up dating for two months. My life was so far off track besides going to church and, attempting to make friends that I made a very poor choice and, he was the first man I slept with afterwards I felt confused, mad, upset, and my parents knew something was different but, they didn’t seem to care. They had talked endlessly about getting separate places but, since 2005 they just lost deposit after deposit on apartments for my mother when they decided to stay in the same house and, make it work. In 2005 of October I said goodbye to my boyfriend at the time and, I thought my heart was breaking as my parents told me to move with them to Florida again. I said no at one point and, almost moved in with a girlfriend of mine but, wanted to please my parents and, make them happy so I put my so called dreams at the time aside.

My ex boyfriend had made me a cd and, I was not supposed to listen to it till I reached the other side of Texas. He had broken up with me saying he couldn’t do the long distance thing again. I asked him why he didn’t love me and, he said I wasn’t worth it and, all my other boyfriends had told me the same thing. So I moved to Florida extremely confused as I listened to all these love songs on a cd. I thought I was in love with him and, I thought about him a lot. I stayed in contact with him and, sent him my life story as I wanted him to understand why I was so distant through our relationship…….when he finally understood it was too late. I moved on I found a new guy to date and, my parents were still at each other’s throats. I felt like throwing myself into relationships was all I could do to get peace away from my parents. He was mormon and, my parents didn’t like him but that was nothing new they didn’t like most things that I did.

My relationship with my mom was rocky we were still close but, even then our relationship was changing. I sang in choir again and, got involved with church as I had every time we moved. I locked myself in my room when I was home and, I snuck out my window at 4:30 every morning to go run on the beach I was trim, and in shape more than I ever thought possible. I was happy I ran literally twelve or sixteen miles on the beach everyday depending on how much anger and, what not I needed to run out of my system. I broke up with the guy I was dating because I thought I needed to be with my ex in Payson, AZ. I talked about flying back to see him and, he got excited. The night before I was supposed to fly to see him my mom and, dad got into a huge fight with each other and, it was worse than ever. My mom doesn’t remember this but, I have told her time and time again dad threw her head into the wall and, she cried a lot. He spit in her face and, I got up tired of seeing her hurt verbally and now physically. I said “hey why don’t you try picking on someone your own size!” I pushed my dad with as much force as I could off the bed and, said “try it again I dare you I will kick you a** that’s my mom!!!!” I had never in my entire then twenty years of life said a rude word to my dad or mom. But years of pent up anger and, what not came tumbling out in the form of a shove to my dad. He looked at me left the room and, we haven’t talked about it since that day.

The next day was the day I was supposed to fly out to Arizona to see my ex and, work everything out and, my mom came to me to confide in me and said “if you leave he will kill me…….he even said so…………please don’t go.” I looked at her with compassion and, hugged her and, said “ok I will stay……” My heart was broken once again first I had to leave him and, now I knew I would never have another chance to make it right. I gave it all up for my mom and, the next day it was if nothing had happened. It was too late I had already called my ex and, told him I wasn’t coming he was crushed and, because he was he wrote me a long email about how I had “f*cked” with his heart and, needed to make up my mind. I explained it was for my mom and, he shouldn’t be mad but he said “if God wanted us to be together you would have come back to me………..I take this as a sign that you don’t love me.” So I said bye to him with tears in my eyes told my mother and, she felt awful but, she said it would get better.

It had been years since it had been better and, my patience was wearing thin I was twenty and, I wanted out of my parents house. I was tired of the arguments the late nights of no sleep making sure she was ok. I heard bad things about him from her and vice a versa I was worn out. So when my Mom came to me one day and, said she was finally saved I was very confused. I said I needed space to figure everything out. A year or two before this I think after my parents divorced I went to Tennessee to stay with my aunt to clear my head it helped immensely so not wanting to run away I went to church to pray for a propethic word from God on what I should do. I went to church alone and, sat in the middle of the huge sanctuary that my father bragged about going to now. I had experienced years of him not going and, now he went three times a week with mom and, I but the past couldn’t be erased with just one year of attending church together. He had sat at the church I had gone to which was a different one than his and, told me it was too babyish of a church. I sang in the choir at my church and, they went to theirs. I remained open minded about their church and, that night I was called to the front and, told I had a word from God. I was confused never having received a propethic reading but, I was called and, they told me some amazing things that only God would know

Through them He said “You will write amazing books and, you will teach many through your life. God has your husband picked out for you and, if you want to find him you must do what your heart has been telling you to do…….you must leave. God loves it when you worship him but, someone is keeping you from worshipping Him” There was more but those two were the ones that stuck out to me. My dad was killing my spirit of worship and, I knew I needed to leave. My aunt called me that day and, asked “do you know what happened?” I said no and, she explained why my mother was now saying she was saved. “Because your daddy threatened that if she didn’t find God within a certain time frame he is going to leave her for good.” I was in shock I was hurt, betrayed, and confused. I knew I had to leave and, so when I got home I booked my plane trip and, I flew to Arizona. When I was at the airport saying goodbye to my parents my dad glared at me with an evil look he wouldn’t even hug me goodbye. Mom looked at me with tears in her eyes and, said “find what you need to find but, then come back to me………I will be waiting…….I love you.” The entire time she stayed like that with a soft expression on her face and, my dad looked like satan no joke.

I boarded the plane free of all the bad and, looking forward to the good and, talked to many people on the plane sharing my story and, leading six people to Christ in two different flights. It was amazing and, it was only the start of things to come. I felt on top of the world because of God. My best friend at the time picked me up from the airport and, we drove to Payson, AZ I had some unfinished business with my ex and, just wanted to be at peace with the whole situation…….knowing I had done everything I could. He wouldn’t look at me or talk to me when I went to see him and, finally I said “what is your problem?” He said “I told you if we were supposed to be together you wouldn’t have stayed for your mom get out.” He was at his work when I went to see him and, I was hurt and, I left and, never looked back. I stayed with friends of my friend and, her boyfriend offered me a place to stay I trusted him and, knew he was a good person so I wasn’t worried. He had a guy friend of his stay about a week with him and, on almost the last day of him staying there his guy friend snuck out into the living room and raped me. I smacked him and, ran to my work place (I had started working and, planned to live with my best friend rather than going home) I confided in no one and, kept to myself. Until finally I knew I would have to go back eventually and, called one of my other ex boyfriends who was now my friend to come pick me up. He drove me to my uncle’s house and, I stayed with my Uncle telling no one of what had happened. My own best friend didn’t believe me why would anyone else I didn’t really have anyone else.

I decided to live with my Uncle and his family and, watched the kids who I had babysat for over the years. I planned to get a job and, a car eventually and, get my true freedom. My uncle agreed to help me anyway he could. God and, I were talking a lot and, He told me what happened was not my fault. I confided in God and, stayed with my family and, then one of my other friends told me she was dating online and, wondered if I would double date with her. I said sure as long as I don’t date alone and, she said ok and, sent me to a website called ok cupid. I honestly had given up on relationships and, said I would make a profile but, the guy had to come to me. Well a couple days passed and, my friend was getting anxious she said why don’t you write someone? I said no if God wants me with someone he will come to me. Well my now husband Jeremy wrote a very long email explaining he had prayed to God for a Christian girl and, he went to bed that night and, woke up with my page on his computer screen. It was remarkable how I didn’t even mention God and, he did. He shared his life with me and, I with him and, it was flowing so smoothly I thought I was dreaming.

My friend fell through several times about taking me to see him so finally he decided to come see me instead and, boy was I nervous after everything that had happened. I had only talked to him on the phone, or via internet it was a totally different experience to see him face to face. This is where my poetry skills came back into play though. If you like I will share my poetry as well or you can read it on my space my username is thelionisanangel@aol.com. When we met it was love at first sight so yes I do believe in love at first sight. We dated for a couple short weeks and, we already knew we wanted to get married. He proposed and, things flew by rather quickly but, we were happy with it that way. I decided to call my parents and, share the news with them and, that’s when the problems started. They didn’t approve my dad wanted a long list of answers and, he yelled at me and, drove me farther away from him.

My mom said she was hurt for me not coming home but, even I in my poem that I have posted elsewhere on this website said I didn’t know when I was going back I needed to find myself and, who I needed to be. They were disappointed and, their words weighed heavy on me. Though I was happy with Jeremy my heart was crushed because of my parents. He saw me beginning to change into being sad and, he did his best to lift me up. We were talking about having kids so when I found out I was pregnant it wasn’t a very big surprise she was planned and, we are very blessed. I told my Grandma first after his family that I was pregnant and, she was thrilled to have a great granddaughter and for my great grandma to have a great “great” granddaughter. My parents were happy too it seemed but, when I made a trip back to Florida to see them before Jeremy and, I married they were very mad. I went back because it was my dad’s birthday and, because I wanted to smooth things over before I got married but, it didn’t work I took two pregnancy tests and, even after a ultrasound picture they didn’t want to believe I was pregnant.

Jeremy and, I knew from the start that our baby was a girl and, we wanted her to be named Summer Alexis. I came back to him and, we got married after having our car break down half way to Las Vegas and, our wedding planning was tough but, we got through it. My parents didn’t come but, then again I didn’t want them there if they were going to judge only. We were very happy and, it appeared to be that everything was working out great. I was out of my comfort zone though with his family and, so I asked Jeremy if he would give my parents a chance and, move to Florida. He said he would and, so our plan to move was in motion. Then my parents decided to move here instead and, the drama intensified. My dad’s house hadn’t sold in Payson, AZ and the person renting it had fallen through so he came here and, blamed my mother and I for it not selling. He blamed us for a lot of things even after he was in the church etc.

We moved in with my parents and, things seemed to be ok. Then my dad started into insulting me and, my husband saw firsthand what I had dealt with for many years. I thought they had changed so I gave them a chance and, it blew up in my face. We lived with them for about three or four months. My husband went to trucking school in Utah and, that was extremely hard on me. I was alone with my parents and, pregnant and, not happy. He came back because he realized he would miss the birth of our daughter and, he didn’t want me to be alone. My water broke three days before I was supposed to be induced and, after seven or so hours Summer Alexis made her debut into the world. She was perfect in every possible way…….she is perfect in every possible way.

My parents came to the hospital even though I didn’t really want them to and, we took Summer home two days after her being born. We stayed in my parent’s house for another month or two since money was tight. When we had enough of the arguing etc. we got our own apartment and, we seemed so much happier.

We decided to help out a friend of ours and, his cousin and, my husband ended up being assaulted and, the man came after me to with the baby that was a lot to deal with as well. So when my husband was in the hospital and, summer was very young I talked to my husband and, he told me to move back into my parent’s house we didn’t have an option. Now my dad had gone trucking and was back and, when he was trucking he left messages for my mother and, I telling us we were “sh*t and, he wished we were dead so he didn’t have to deal with us.” It was a lot to take in and, it was only getting worse as the days went on even after we moved back in. My mom says she doesn’t remember this happening.

I was tired of all the bull crap and my parents not caring though they paid for things there were no words of affirmation just words of pain coming from their mouths. It was too much to bear and, one day in particular I was checking my email and, my daughter was being fussy I was about to get off the computer and, my dad grabbed the back of my hair and, threw me to the floor. He had done other things like cuss in front of my daughter, spit in my face etc but, this took the cake. I told my husband when he got home and, my mother told me she hated me in the same day and, the next day we moved out.

So now we have been living with his family as he tries to find work and, pay off bills. It hasn’t been easy but, we are working on it. I am a stay at home mom with our now almost nine month old daughter. He works and, goes to college and, I watch over her with help from his family. I would love to go to college one day and, become a teacher but, all in the Lords timing. My faith has had ups and downs and I have always asked for forgiveness for the things I have done first. So with all respect I don’t need to do anything further with my parents because what I did next after moving out………I don’t think anyone in their right mind would do.

My Grandparents came for a visit and, I went to see them and, my parents. I got talked about endlessly behind my back while I was with them with summer and, it was breaking me in two. My twelve year old cousin seemed like the only one I could trust on my side of the family. I couldn’t wait for my husband to come pick me up after spending a week of pure torture. I vowed never to put myself through that again.

I came back home about a month ago and, I received rude emails from my parents and, I finally emailed them back and, wrote the kindest words that I could explaining why I felt the way that I did and, still do and, they claimed that I was losing my mind and, that none of the things I have said occurred. I know that they did though…..I was there. My mom sent me a poem I sent her for Mothers day and, she said even if we don’t talk again it will be ok. Like I said I want to remember her the way she was in that poem not the judgmental-religious person she is now. Her words have hurt me and, she has apologized time and time again only to do it again. I cannot explain just how much they have put me through I can only tell you what I received recently and, how I know my family my husband, and daughter are where I belong and, what I need to focus on.

My husband in an attempt to make peace with my parents told my mom he was sending me to her for her upcoming birthday which is the 6th of this month. It was to be a surprise birthday present and, then he received a very rude email back and, I received a email this morning saying basically don’t waste my time writing back she has given up on me because I need to apologize to my father like I have time and time again and, never received an apology in return. I have left it in God’s hands now and, I have shared this information with you to grow from what I have been and, who I grew up with. I am bigger and, better than what I was treated as. God has shown me that and, the love of my husband and, my loving little daughter show me I am an amazing wife and mother. I could use your prayers and, think about your opinions before you give them. Imagine being in my shoes. My faith is strengthening but, as you can imagine I have my battles to overcome. My mother has already stated she chose my dad over me and, she does to this day so I am where I am……….right where I am supposed to be enough sending emails, enough seeking acceptance I am done as you can imagine. My God will get me through to the other side.

This is my story.

In HIS LOVE,
AMBER

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Nov 02, 2009 9:10 am

Dearest Amber,
I can only imagine how heart-wrenching that it was to write this story!!! My heart truly cries out to you!!! I am sooooo sorry that you have suffered sooooo much at the expense of your parents!!!

I think your father has your mother brainwashed!!! Honestly, I do!!! I think she has lived with him soooo long because this is the only life she knows and because she is terrified of him!!!

When one remains in an abusive relationship for that long, then, it would seem normal to that human being!!! I would say that her self esteem is 0 right now and has probably been 0 for all these years!!!

I will pray for deliverance for your mother!!! I know in my heart that she loves you, but, she is afraid, or don't even know how, to express her love for you because of all the abuse she has experienced in the past!!!

Your father reminds me of someone who has always been miserable and angry!!! He probably hates his own self and would like to change, but, after all of this time, he probably feels like he couldn't even, if, he tried!!!

I think your father tried to control your mother out of fear and frustration!!! I also think he took his fears and frustrations out on you and your mother!!!

He needs to really be "saved"...You know, have that actual "born again" experience!!!

I think they are attending church now, because they ran out of options, not because they made a conscious decision to do so..

In other words, this was their last straw!!! I think that I would begin sending my mother some of the videos which we share in our little online church!!!

I have a very powerful one that you can share with her!!! I would only send "Spiritual things" with her, right now, since, I would NOT open myself up to more abuse!!!

You have been through enough abuse and ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!!

You must win them through sharing the love of Jesus Christ through videos etc. via the internet!!!

I would just send the videos and not write one word!!! At least, these videos and songs will give them something you think upon!!!

God is still in the "Miracle Working" business!!! Just share these type of things with them and let them be, for now!!!

Let go and Let God!!! Be Still and Know That HE is God!!! Do not try to win them over anymore, let God work on your behalf!!! You have done your best and your best is good ENOUGH!!!

WE KNOW THAT EVERYTHING WORKS FOR THE GOOD OF THOSE WHO LOVE THE LORD!!! AMEN AND AMEN!!!

Please be patient, since, the Bible teaches us to wait upon HIM!!! When you think not, then, your prayers will be answered!!!

BTW: You are a writer, so, you should begin writing your own book, in the meantime!!!

God has given you much to write and I feel like HE wants you to share your life's story with others!!!

I love you dearly Amber and I pray that God Blesses You and Your Little Family Beyond Human Understanding!!!

Thank you sooooooooooo much for sharing your story with all of us!!! Much Love is Being Sent Your Way in Christ Jesus!!!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Dec 31, 2009 9:49 pm

I can suggest you to try hypnosis because when I am completely depression my friend advised me to try hypnosis from www.thoughtsbecomereality.co.uk. They really helped me to become normal and with even more confidence and self control.