depressed and anxious over a new relationship!! HE is newly DIVORCED

CG822 · Post by **CG822** » Fri Apr 03, 2009 6:03 am

Hey everyone, I have not been on in a while, I hope all is well with everyone!!!

I met a great guy, He is truly awesome. We have a lot in common and so much fun together. He was married for 7yrs, he has 2 young boys. She really gave him the run around for years, cheating and what not. They finally finalized the divorce a few months ago, I just met him 3 weeks ago. The chemistry is amazing. But I know he still isn't over her, tho he said he is. He will bring her up if we are talking about certain things, or he will say "when I was married"...and she randomly calls in the middle of the night all the time. That makes me wonder too. Though he doesn't answer it, I just don't know how to deal with all of this yet. I know I need to step back and give him some more time, He is always honest with me but I still have my doubts.

How do i step back a bit???? We made a clear understanding that we enjoy each others time and we want to see where it goes, but just go slow. He is afraid to get hurt and he says he felt unwanted for so long.

I need some advise!!!! I don't go to my therapist till next week! Thanks everyone!!!!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Apr 03, 2009 11:46 am

I agree with you. He needs a lot of space if he's still hung up on his ex. Many men get married immediately after a divorce and it doesn't go well. Especially when the ex hasn't gone their own way and kids are still in his life.

If you two are meant to be, you will weather the storm, but it is okay to step back and be a friend more than an involved girlfriend. In fact you might get more hurt until he can detach himself in a healthy way. Of course the children need to be in his life, and that might put an extra burden between the two of you as they are his priority. How willing are you to allow him his priorities?

All the best to you.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sat Apr 04, 2009 6:58 am

Thank You for the response! I appreciate it so much!!

I understand his position 100%. He loves how understanding I am. I had another talk with him after I wrote my first post yesterday. He agrees he does need some more time but he doesn't want that to stop us from what we have so far and we def. want to move forward and see what it beings us. We really like each other. I just dont want to get anxious and depressed over this process! He is worth it to me.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Apr 05, 2009 8:52 am

You are defining a recipe for disaster, both for yourself and for him. Please review the chemistry of neurotransmitters and the biology of your deep limbic system. There is nothing you can do to take this person through the stages of healing he must endure. He has to do that himself. You can comfort him. You can nurture him. You can offer all the loving care his mother could give him. That does not create a relationship like what you are hoping to find. The chemistry between the two of you is not the kind of chemistry that grows the bonds you are looking for. He is afraid he will get hurt because he has fears of not feeling wanted and you accept the task to fill up those vacancies? Not sure what you will get in return. Right now you are filling the role of nurturing care giver. Do you want that role? Slow down. We all get in such a big hurry to jump over the ouches in our lives. Can't do that. We have to allow them time to heal while we actively work through the processes. This is not just an emotional process, it is very physical, too. He may need a therapist more than a girlfriend for awhile.