Lonely Heart Syndrome

Rachel81 · Post by **Rachel81** » Fri Sep 05, 2008 6:25 am

I didn't know what to call the discussion. I am not even sure how to begin. Things were going okay, one might even say very good. And CRASH! into a million little pieces...
I don't know where or how to begin. But any help would be appreciated. I started session 4 today...although I didn't really want to. It was a struggle to even pay attention. I still haven't gotten through thw workbook. And I just feel so low and so lonely. Today, as I look through the woes of love, and stress of a family...all I can think is "Isn't that darling...."
I have read a lot of the postings here. And I just wonder how the single people cope. I just know that today has been one of those @#$%ing days! It just seems like most people either posting or on the cd's tell stories about their family, or how great this person is for sticking around. What about when they don't.
Any singles have any advice on how to get through this...I feel so defeated, b/c I feel like that will never change. This will always be my monster...no matter how good I mat do from day to day, or how happy I convince myself to be...that monster is always there.
I don't know if this is even coherent typing, and no offense to those of you that aren't single. But it really is a very different beast when you are alone.

J. Archer · Post by **J. Archer** » Fri Sep 05, 2008 7:14 am

Please rest addured you are NOT alone ! I, too live alone, except for my tabby cat, Maxwell, and it is tough to get through the hard times alone. But stick with the program, and come online anytime to the chat rooms--they help tremendously. Keep your chin up !

J. Archer · Post by **J. Archer** » Fri Sep 05, 2008 7:15 am

I meant to type "assured" ===that is good for a laugh, huh?? LOL

pecos · Post by **pecos** » Fri Sep 05, 2008 7:43 am

Rachel, you are certainly NOT the only single person here. I am alone, and so are many, many of the people who have responded to my previous posts. I do have good friends. Those moments when your world crashes, that's when your aloneness will haunt you (and your friends probably have trouble knowing what's happening to you). I've been married, and I've had long term relationships. Those ties do not fill me up inside. The key to learning to be alone, and enjoy your own company, is a long road. I won't say: Here, read a book, and you will now love your table for one. By the way, I actually have a table for one in my yard, and it's one of the most comforting places I enjoy retreating to when I feel bad, or happy. I posted a photo of it on the suggested forum site. What I am trying to get across here is that Alone is not the same as Lonely. You are alone. You don't have to feel lonely. Learning to really know yourself, learning how to actually tweak your own thinking to make it more comfortable, and learning how to live in the moment quietly, these are just a few things that this program can teach you. It's not rocket science. It's basic stuff. It's your life. When I have felt the worse for wear, I have poured myself into either this program, or a few books that I trust regarding depression.
Single people, people who live alone, we either cope well, or we don't. I'm coping pretty well.
And yes, it is a different beast. But that's all there is to it, it is just different.

Mary Wargo · Post by **Mary Wargo** » Fri Sep 05, 2008 9:00 am

I agree- it is different when you are single. Everything is different. It's a different way of life period. So many things are centered around "family matters" and how to cope with a spouse, how to copy with your teenager, how to cope with a new baby, etc. It seems the talk shows and therapists have wonderful coping and living suggestions for people with a family but none for singles- Other than how to find a mate! Where are our mentors for living a happy single life? I've been married, single, married again, relationship, single again. I don't idealize or glorify marriage anymore, and I don't feel it always cures loneliness. To tell you the truth my anxiety was at it's highest when I was married. I think our society has put this idea into us that it is better to be married, so if we aren't we start feeling like there is something wrong. There are all kinds of ways to contribute, connect, and be part of something without having to be married with family. If we close ourselves off and only see one way, it will be a constant struggle. I told myself I was worth it to complete this program (three times in a row now for reinforcement). My self talk is focused on the fact that I don't need another person to validate my self worth. I bring myself back to the present when I find myself wandering off to "Gee, wouldn't it be nice if--." I work on giving meaning and purpose to my life, and not on trying to find someone who will give it to me. Getting and remaining motivated for the assignments was difficult when there was no one else here to say "Aren't you going to complete session 12?" We have to become our own motivators, there is no way around it. The program has increased my self esteem and there is no other way it's going to work unless you do the assignments and work hard at it. It's hard, it's difficult, it's challenging. I kept asking myself this question "How bad do you want to feel better? How bad do you want to overcome this?" Bad enough was the reply to keep me going. You are worth doing this for - keep telling yourself this. We are tough - we've dealt with things on our own and have survived. Make a list of other things you have done and completed. Read over it frequently. It helps up your self esteem.

Rachel81 · Post by **Rachel81** » Fri Sep 05, 2008 9:51 am

Thank you so much for your kind words. I am 27 and have never been married. I really am quite an independent woman, but when it comes to my heart...I guess that's an area where I've always struggled. I know that I shouldn't need anyone else to make me feel vaidated. I really do....but I guess I just get tired sometimes...maybe then I'm really not as independent as I'd like to think. I love never having to answer to anyone, being able to come and go as I choose, there are great perks to life being me and my dog. However, I do still have this thinking that it is so nice to share in life...just someone to say hey, this great thing is happening. And being with someone that can make you glow.
Wow, I got off on a tangent. Anyway, I am just finding it hard right now to even care. I know it's my faulty thinking...but that's part of the monster. Once it starts, I truly don't know how to get it to stop.
It spirals. It's hard when there's not even anyone there for you to force yourself out of it even momentarily for...you know, like put on your happy face.
I am sorry for this rain of negativity. I feel like I'd been doing really good, and today it just overpowered me. It's so hard when it's not in your nature...the retraining yourself.

Anyway, thanks again. I really appreciate the understanding. I will have to try a chat room on here. I haven't done that yet.

pecos · Post by **pecos** » Fri Sep 05, 2008 10:20 am

Rachel, I was happy to see Mary join me in providing you some sage advice. You are still young enough to get your thinking in order. Here is some direction you may want to think seriously about: Right now you are not securely confident in who you are as a person, and you fear being alone. You are buying the Fifth Avenue hype about life is better with someone else. I like Mary's point, magazines and talk shows want to marry all us singles off. Well, I've been married. A lot more lonely there than here, single. When you reach a place of confident self esteem, and you can sincerely put the capital S in Self, you will value all parts of your life, even the alone times.
I've traveled all over this world several times, alone. Thank goodness! I met so many people, forged friendships and ties that were instrumental in my becoming the person I am today. It is my opinion that the best life has to offer, it will offer to YOU. Not to you, and whoever is beside you. When your self esteem and your life skills are secure, then you will be a good partner for someone else, too. Don't ever tie up with someone because you want them to complete you. External approval? It never leads to internal satisfaction. And, when you think your value and worth depends on what your significant other thinks of you, they may leave you. Then, at whatever age, you are right back here. Be the best YOU you can be, first. Today.

Mary Wargo · Post by **Mary Wargo** » Fri Sep 05, 2008 10:54 am

Rachel- It wasn't a rain of negativity. This was how you were feeling at the time, and we all get tired sometimes believe me. We've all felt like that at some point or another. If you work on all the assignments, especially session 3 you may see your thinking make a big change for the better.

Rachel81 · Post by **Rachel81** » Fri Sep 05, 2008 11:01 am

That's actually what got me here currently!

I thank you for the advice. And I do have to tell you, that I cringed a little...just being honest. It was a challenge for me to read and not feel defensive. So I kept in mind that it is with good intentions....and you may be right. I feel like I do know me, quite well. I have always been ver introspective. And I feel like I have spent my life so far, experiencing things and growing as a person. From an early age I questioned things (part of what I think fostered some of my lesser than great personality traits).I have always been on a quest for greater udnerstanding...of myself and those around me. However, may be I'm wrong, I am not sure how I can feel so self assured, yet long for a lost love.
I am not eager to rush into marriage, nor would I ever marry anyone just b/c of the need for attachment.
External approval....I think this is key to my issues....not so much a lack of knowing who I am, myself....but the desire to have someone else know me....and love me...And it's really the lost love. Not just any "love".....doing this alone, can just make me feel lonely....make me miss what I had, and long fo rit again. It's something I (unfortunately) do...one negative thought grabs all the others....like a tornado. I have been pretty good about clearing them, regaining control, and being okay. But today really wrecked me.

Thanks for helping to remind me that I don't need anyone else...need and want are 2 totally different things.

Rachel81 · Post by **Rachel81** » Fri Sep 05, 2008 11:07 am

I do definitely need to work on the internal approval, rather than relying on external. Not playing the blame game. But I grew up in an incredibly ciritical household...I guess this is something I have just held onto....that approval. And, I could even go so far as to say that it is strongly with males...as my father was the one never satisfied.

Thank you for taking the time to respond to me. I feel calmer now....was bawling uncontrollably for much of the day....and you know, I felt like no one would want to deal with me. So, do know that I appreciate the replies, very much.