A realization I would like to share

calmseeker · Post by **calmseeker** » Sat Feb 14, 2009 8:04 am

My main "shoulds" are at other people in my life. When I really started listening to my inner mind talk I mean really the floodgates opened up and I noticed that my shoulds were everywhere. Not only did I should myself but also my friends, family and just about everyone I came in contact with. This person should act like this or I should of said that. My children should be like this.
This caused soo much anxiety. I found that just by noticing it is a relief and helps. This one really hit home

couturesugar · Post by **couturesugar** » Tue Mar 10, 2009 1:57 pm

That's so true. I had a hard time coming up with shoulds for myself, but it was so easy to come up with shoulds that I have for my husband and others close to me.

NinjaFrodo · Post by **NinjaFrodo** » Fri Mar 13, 2009 11:09 am

calmseeker

That was a great post and i'm glad you shared it with us. Within my own experience, I've come to realize, like yourself that alot of my shoulds were about others. Now this is not particularly a bad thing, when you suffer from anxiety and depression you are influenced by other people's shoulds and you may also create some should rules as a coping mechanism. Try thinking of it this way, how many of your shoulds are based around your limitations? I don't know you personally and this may not apply but just for example sake...lets say, you cannot cope with high energy little kids and you have that in your life right now...maybe one of your shoulds might be about how the kids should be more calm. That might help to decrease your stress if that was the case and decreased stress is a very good thing...but it isn't reality. Just something i thought i would share.

Keep up the good work,

Mike

calmseeker · Post by **calmseeker** » Fri Mar 13, 2009 12:31 pm

Ninja,
Thanks for your input it was a very interesting read. I never thought of that.

Juno · Post by **Juno** » Fri Mar 27, 2009 6:25 am

I think I know exactly what all of you mean. I teach writing at a university, so expecting all sorts of things from other people comes with the job. And I love my job, but at times it just enables my anxiety because not only do I expect unreasonable things from people, but I begin to think I have the authority to do it. Ha ha. I have to laugh at myself for that one.
I always want people who are very close to me to be so articulate and I get impatient when they are not. I'm so glad I'm very patient with my students at least.

Paige4152 · Post by **Paige4152** » Sat May 09, 2009 7:43 am

Thanks Juno for the reminder! As a teacher myself, I know the challenges that seem to come with the job. Sometimes, for me, it helps to remember that "I am responsible TO other people, not FOR other people."

I used to think that controlling others ( and myself) controlled my anxiety ...Ha! I now realize that that FED my anxiety - all because I didn't think I could face what was in front of me... This program has helped me realize how I've been kidding myself, and how to , finally, get the tools that actually help.