My parents good intentions

Rhasslariel · Post by **Rhasslariel** » Sat Jun 07, 2008 4:28 am

I remember as a kid, my parents used to tell me things like "you can be anything you want to be", or "You can do whatever you set your mind to". They would also try and teach me the 'right things to do'. I wasn't an easy child. I had problems with temper, and my overactive imagination got me into trouble on more that one occasion especially in school. My mother had been a teacher, but retired shortly after adopting me. Numerous times in later years we would run into one of her former students who would have nothing but praise for her. If my teachers in school had been half as fair as my mother was when teaching, things might have been different for me. But, I was wondering if all these 'right' thought are what set me up for the way I feel as an adult. When I got older, I'll say in my late 20s early 30s, my mother would say to me "you were such a happy child. What happened to you? " My standard response would be "life happened to me". In trying to teach me to always do the right thing (by her standards anyway), was she setting me up for ultimate disappointment and anger when others didn't treat me the same way? As an adult, I didn't get along with my mother too well. I've lived in the same house my whole life, I've never moved out. My parents are gone now, but I still feel them in my head. My mother mostly. As she got older, her mind started to go. Looking back, I now realize that her changing thought patterns were due to the early stages of her illness, but at the time I thought I was the problem. As the years went by, she got angrier, and more bitter. I would ask myself 'Is it me? I'm being the same person I've always been or at least I think I am'. Something I would say, or the way I said that in the past would have made her laugh, now got her angry. It made me very confused and anxious. I couldn't understand what had changed. This wasn't the mom I remembered from childhood. Nothing I did or said was ever right. I'd go to work where there were problems, and I'd be expected to act a certain way, then I'd come home and got a new set of problems that I was expected to act the opposite way about. I had nowhere to go. I got crap out in the world, and then again when I got home. (My father was becoming the same way, so I got it all around). As a kid, I was scolded by teachers for being too social, and always wanting to talk to everybody, and having too much energy etc. (I saw a lot of this written on my old report cards too which I recently found). Then, as an adult, my mother would complain that I never wanted to talk to people, or socialize, that I never wanted to go anywhere or do anything. (Gee, I wonder why?) The phrase 'damned if I do, damned if I don't' would describe the way I felt most of my adult life. When she was trying to teach me as a kid, I'm thinking maybe she should have said, 'this is the way you should try to be, just don't expect anyone else to do the same'. Might that have help me now? I guess I'll never know. I dwell on my past a lot. I know its not good. I know I can't change the past, but then, that's something that depresses me. If things had been different then, I'd be different now. I do wish I could be the person I used to be. Before the anxiety and depression. Before I had to go out into the real world of my generation. Where the "Leave it to Beaver" world of my mother's generation was long gone. Maybe I could have been or done anything I wanted to back then, if I had grown up sooner. But I didn't grow up then (a source of problems at school behavior wise ), and I wish I didn't have to be the 'grown up' now. Life shouldn't be this emotionally hard. Sorry for my rambling. Sometimes it just feels better getting my thoughts 'out there' as they say.

Paige... · Post by **Paige...** » Sat Jun 07, 2008 1:39 pm

I can relate to much of what you say. Ward and June were the perfect parents and don't forget Donna Reed. (Although she was a little before my time haha). My parents expected a lot fom me and my brothers. They would good parents but I look back and see some stress they caused and some big expectations and some pampering. Sessions 3 and 4 have been challenges and eye-openers for me. Also, I am reading a good book by Dr. Kevin Leman called "Measuring up". I highly recommend it. Well, hang in there and best wishes. Drop by the general chat room sometime.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Jun 09, 2008 11:51 am

I understand a lot of what you have said. I am not from the "Leave It To Beaver" era but my parents too have had some good intentions some of which have hurt more than helped. I love them both very much and though I am not a parent yet, not sure if I will ever get the privilege, I know they did and are doing the best they could and can. I still live at home with them..fear of not being able to make it in my own place keeps me prisoner in effect. I have been a prisoner for years.
I did not know your parents but can imagine that parenting is not easy...Hope that you are finding some help with the program...I haven't hardly started it yet.
Good luck to you. Take Care.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Jun 10, 2008 10:42 am

I can remember my mother saying things like "all I ever want is for you to be happy". I know she meant that, but the reality was that whenever I did something that made me happy, but not her, it wasn't okay. I used to tell her, more like yell at her, "you only want me to be happy your way, not mine". And when I would get upset, sad or angry at something, she'd come at me with "that's nothing to get upset (or sad/angry etc,) about". I know she just didn't want me feeling bad, but I would respond with "just because its not something you'd get upset over, doesn't mean it doesn't upset me". That didn't matter to her. So the impression I was left with, was I wasn't supposed to get mad or sad or upset, that I was wrong for feeling this way. I would say, "How come everyone else in the world is allowed to get angry but me?". And it was true. Everywhere I looked, people got angry, or sad. Cried, or yelled at someone or had an outburst of some kind. And there was no one telling them they shouldn't. And I'm talking about adults here. Me and all the others I witness .They're pissed and upset and whatever. And I can bet none of them suffer from anxiety disorders. It seems to be the theme to this program too a bit. That we aren't supposed to let ourselves get angry, or sad, or even too happy. As Lucinda says on this session, 'happy is too strong a word'. So are we just supposed to go through life numb? Never reacting? Stopping every emotion the moment it starts to get strong? That sounds like a life with no fun too. Don't get your expectations too high to me sounds like don't hope. Don't look beyond what might be. Just try to be content with the here and now as long as its not too stimulating in some way. I don't want to fear. I don't want to panic. I don't want to be depressed. But when I do get mad, or sad or fearful, I feel I'm doing something wrong. That is only okay for the rest of the world. Not me.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Jun 10, 2008 11:24 am

My mom never wanted me to cry especially around my dad or to do a lot of things that were me around the family, so I wanted to cry or vent I couldn't even be too happy -- there's something wrong with too happy apparently....It was hard for me sometimes...like I was supposed to live in a bubble or something.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Jun 11, 2008 11:28 am

That 'bubble' feeling is how I felt too. My mother was a good person. Both my parents were, though I never told them that, or even felt it when they were around. Its more in retrospect that I realize what good people they tried to be. My mom just always wanted to see me happy. Seeing me angry, or sad hurt her. But in trying to get me not to be that way, I was left with the feeling that it was wrong to be that way. And now, with some of the teachings here, I get that impression too. We are suppose to use the six steps not only for panic, but for sadness, anger, frustration. So we're supposed to try and stop all those feelings? I've always wanted to be Vulcan. Maybe this is the way to go? Is the StressCenter.com part of the Federation of Planets? LOL

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Jun 11, 2008 12:59 pm

RHasslariel,
I can relate also. You mentioned in the first message that you were adopted, so am I and so is my sister(sis and I are not related either)
I understand angry people and sad people. WELL, here is the conculsion I have come to at age 53: I M U S T leave the past alone! No matter who you are, even the richest person in the world cannot pay enough to go back and change the past, all we have is right now and forward! I want to make the best of my remaining 50+ years and I can't do that by visiting the past can I? Why make ourselves miserable with the past, but I have learned that I DO have the ability to change my 'right now' and go forward with ferver! Our parents probably did only what they knew to do. Also someone told me to think of how my parents might have been raised! Wow that made me think about things and now I understand things more. I'd like to recommend some books(I use audiobooks)and in this order: All these have reference to God and Christ: pastor Joel Osteen titled 'Your Best Life Now', john Eldredge titled 'Waking the Dead' (Misleading title,This is about waking up the goodness in our hurting hearts) Norman Vincent Peale titled 'The Power of Positive Thinking' and also 'You Can if You Think You Can'.
As I said above, I recommend them in that order!
If you have any further questions or just need to talk, please 'private message' me because I rarely go back and check the forums.
I Hope the best for you! Take care,
Rod

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Jun 13, 2008 4:28 am

RH,
are you sure we were not brothers.you will have to read my profile to understand what i went through and how i got through it and with the skills and tools from the StressCenter.com where i am today. i am even wriing a stoy on my life. i just sent it off to the publishers yesterday. its called THE MAKING OF A MAN.i am so proud of were i am now compared to 2004.
if i can do it at 62 so can you.do not let what happened to you in the past hinder yourfutire. only you can make it happen.you have to learn to forgive and forget to be able to move on. i wish you the best of luck. you can message me anytime.be blessed in everything that you do and reach out to others like you are now for comfort and help.GOD BLESS.
DON
THIS IS THE DAY THAT THE LOSR HAS MADE. LT US REJOYBE AND BE GLAD IN IT.