Help! What is MY problem?

doogiet · Post by **doogiet** » Sat Dec 27, 2008 3:51 pm

I just got back from Christmas at the parents' place (I'm 33, they're 64ish).

It was just so, so depressing, and I can't figure out why. Prior to this, I hadn't spoken to them since May because I wanted to be more independent. The whole thing was depressing. I don't know if it's because they're old, because they refuse to adapt to new technology ("ooh, a cell phone!"), or because I fell right back into my old role as "the good son" when I was there. It felt that all of the hard work that I've been doing with my therapist didn't count for anything.

I haven't even opened their gifts because I'm not interested. It was just the same old same old. The whole time my brain was just saying, "I don't want to be here." But I don't know if this is negative thinking or if it's just honesty, because I really didn't.

I mean, they've given me everything a son could want (well, sorta). What's my problem? And will the holidays just please be over?

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Dec 31, 2008 9:14 am

The Holidays are the worst. They really are. You'll probably feel better (and so will they) if you go where YOU want to go next year. That will give you some perspective for the following year.

I didn't go home this year, and it taught me a lot about what to look for next time I do.

It's that expectation thing right? I wanted to go someplace romantic and beautiful - and it turned out it was "kids stay free" week at that particular lodge, and it was teaming with loud little munchkins that weren't even my family!! Made me hunger to catch up with my own little muchkin cousins instead of these strangers. Anyway, it was educational.

Every time you do something you don't want to do out of "obligation" people can sense it and it's a downer for everyone.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Dec 31, 2008 10:30 am

I'm a little confused have you not opened the preseants cause you don't think what they bought will meet up to your expectations and is that why you didn't have a good time? Maybe i'm misundering you if so i'm sorry.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Dec 31, 2008 1:07 pm

No, they're unrelated. I haven't opened the presents yet because I feel that I don't deserve them. Also because they probably have money, which I don't deserve.

MIC · Post by **MIC** » Wed Dec 31, 2008 1:52 pm

Hi Doogiet,
I'm sorry it was so depressing for you this Christmas. A lot of times going back home, we fall back into the child role. I know for me, for years I thought in my mind what Christmas would be like, and it never was like that, then I would get depressed. I had to learn to accept my family as they are, which is not easy. I always dream of everyone having fun,and getting along, etc; it never happen. There, is one who makes it a stressful time. This year I didn't let this one person stress me that much.
Maybe next year you can visit your family on Christmas eve, or set a time limit to be there on Christmas day, or make other plans.
I was thinking of what you wrote about "falling back into the role as the good son" I did that for years, had to be the good daughter, make every one happy. Took what ever was said to me. I am learning I have a right to be me. It is not my place to make everyone happy, by doing or being what they want me to be. I don't have to be a doormat.
A lot of people get depressed during the holidays, don't beat your self up.
You stated 'you haven't open your presents yet, because you feel you don't deserve it". You do deserve it, you are special, we all are special.
I would say, go ahead open your gifts, and enjoy them. If it is money, just buy yourself something special you want.
If you don't mind, may I say, stop putting your self down. You Do Deserve the good in life. Happy New Year!! Wishing you the best in 2009.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Dec 31, 2008 1:57 pm

I can so relate to you. I had a similar thing happen to me. I think people are right it is the expectations. Do you think they senced that you didn't want to be there? What is the deal with the technology? Why does it matter that they don't have cell phones? Maybe next year bring a couple of friends with you. We have to try and be in the moment. It is all we will ever have. You always have the opportunity to make situations better for yourself by being fully there. I am sorry your Christmas was depressing. It seems it is always hard on everyone. You are not alone in that at all. Peace and prosperity to you.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Dec 31, 2008 4:10 pm

I just want to say your parents gave you a present because they wanted to. You do deserve it and they want you to have it. If it is money they want you to have it cause maybe they dont know what to get you to make you happy.(in this high tech world). Older people dont understand alot of these new gismos. I am 41 and lost my mom 5 years ago and my dad 4 years ago and I would give anything to have them back with me. Yes sometimes I was uncomfortable around them and they done alot for me that I really did not deserve. But even if all I could get is those times I would want them back. You have a precious gift to still have them with you in this world so please take advantage cause one day they will be gone. I still argue with myself over how I could of been there more for them. Please live each day with no regrets. Sorry this is so long I just wish your problem was mine and I know what I know now. Have a good new year.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Dec 31, 2008 6:06 pm

I think that alot of us have giving up tom the failures we all make as brow beating are self of thinking bad thoughts