The Challenge...Lesson 4

[Karen L]

I am on the road to recovery and I will recover. I will use the skills I have learned daily because I refuse to let anxiety, fear, anger, and depression control my life. I am a strong person and I can do this!

Hope

it has got to be one of the best feelings Ive felt in a long time


Lindalee

great to see you
I really like your goals.....very realistice and they appear to be stuff "you" really want


THH

I also can relate...funny how we cant stand having the anxiety but we either sabotage ourselves or use it as the "easy" way out..
I also have a problem with "all or nothig"...and find myself often overwhelmed....I need to just take a step back once in awhile and relax


Mike

it's funny how alot of things made sense to me in the past......and now I am just seeing how irrational they really are...what's even funnier is I really knew all along they were irrational if someone else was involved....but I just couldnt see it in myself and how it was affecting me

I guess thats why we need to surround ourselves with confident, positive people...that way we dont get pulled back by their negativity


things I chose to do today:
1. woke up at 6:45 am and took my daughters to school and to friend's
2. gave puppy a bath
3. played ball with the dogs
4. called my mom
5. worked out....this is a big one for me....it's been at least a week since Ive exercised because I was afraid of the dizziness, the elevated heart rate, and the rapid breathiing
6. showered
7. went to store
8. went out driving
9. picked daughter up from school

so all in all I had a good day as I accomplished quite a bit instead of "expecting" myself to do stuff....when I do expect I start having anticipatory anciety also...I really think this type of mind-frame might really help me

my should list is outrageously long lol...I think I will take a few and make some goals

[THH]

Mike,
On the not controlling the universe, I pictured myself in a small boat. In the rapids, no paddles, I realized I had to let it all go,all my small worries didn't matter anymore, it was survival, its going to be what its going to be, but I want to at least try. I laid in the boat, and rather fear what was going to happen, I breathed and steadied my body to float with the boat, just keeping it steady. As soon as I excepted the idea I got into the rhythm of it as a ride and started to enjoy the ride, and the thrill of no paddles, and it was back to calm waters.
It helped me, its very freeing. When I was a kid I used to dream of being able to fly like a bird. I never get those dreams. I miss them! LOL... It was a great feeling. Maybe one day I will get to fly like that again.

Nope, I did not connect the dots. Don't know why???? See you helped me see something I could not. YEY! When it comes to 2nd gains, you will be very helpful. I had some trouble there.

I guess I need to know more about your exhaustion. I'm not sure if you mean your depressed, and what good is it going to do, Or if you are not wanting to do something and you tire yourself out mentally before you do something? Maybe it too is like my anxiety, kind of a excuse to not do something. You know best how you are feeling. Maybe your eating too healthy, maybe you need more calories?
I'm glad you are starting to feel the freedom,with out the anxiety! GOOD JOB! Mine started very slowly, moments then day and a couple days, I guess I have gotten up to 4-5 days in a row. it goes up and down. That is better than a few months ago though.

[NinjaFrodo]

In response to Karen L;

I like how you said that you chose because it is a direct message that you were in control and not your anxiety or fear. Good job with that, good job with workout despite the fear in the past, great job with going out and to the store and driving and picking up your daughter from school.

When you do things what do you focus on while doing them? That you have to do them or everything involved in doing them or the benefits of doing them?

In response to THH;

That was some really good analogy you used with the boat in the water. That is exactly how it is as a ride and such. I still haven't gotten there and i'm looking forward to the freeing feeling and calm waters.

Yay I helped just like you helped me in the 6 steps. I guess we all have diffrent lessons we struggle with or are good at. I was not good at lesson 2, I also wasn't good at the anger lesson or the obsessive lesson but I was good at the exercise and diet lesson, the assertiveness lesson and I understood the things with the secondary gains. I think everytime i've went through the anger lesson I got stuck and I think I got discouraged with the program most times when i got there. Not sure if it'll be the same this time and I might need some encouragement and support on that one.

I don't think its the depressed part. I don't spend too much time feeling sorry for myself or anything like that. I do have some moments but no this is more when I get mentally tired when I tell myself I don't want to do something, It's too hard or something along those lines. I have thought it was an excuse when you said that thing about the fainting and in some situations it was. I think its a combination of 2 diffrent types of exhaustion though. I got sick and then I didn't really move around the same way I did when I was working out on my regular schedual, my bms aren't that frequent at all, I still have mucous in my system since I got that cold and so all these things create that 2nd type of exhaustion where I feel aweful, depressed and where even with calming myself down and accepting the exhaustion I am still super exhausted. My calories aren't really that much of a problem I don't think, I take in alot of carbs and my fats and proteins.

Yours started off slowly too eh? I can't wait until I can get to a point where it is 4-5 days in a row!


Mike

[THH]

Karen,
It is funny, I never really thought about it. For some reason I could not formulate my thoughts as to what I was doing. Now I see that and it has helped me recognize and it gives me a chance to change because I don't want to make a conscience effort to give myself anxiety. I like the way I feel, free of it.

I don't know if I have a all / nothing thinking problem. I seam to keep in the middle of the road with that one. I do pre-judged something, 1. I'm not going here because I don't know anyone, and I'm sure I won't have any fun. When I have gone, I ended up having a good time, and met some interesting people.
2. or so in so don't like me, I don't really know why I think that. And just because I feel that don't mean its true.
Good on just kicking back and relaxing. It gives you time to reorganize your thoughts.
Your doing good!

[NinjaFrodo]

I am more recovered everyday. No matter how negative I feel or what symptoms come up, I am still ok. I accept the reality of each moment and do not fight it. I have goals and I achieve them. When I feel frustrated, I know it is a sign that I'm on the verge of making a breakthrough and taking a big leap on a goal

Friday;

My day

I woke up at my friend's place and he had to go to work so I left and realized I left my bottle with my protein smoothe in his place. So I went to the gym in the area. It was an awesome gym wow I was so impressed. There was the wirlpool, they had a squash room, punching bags, really big studios for the group fitness and lots of machines. I spent the first hour on the computer there posting on these forums. I was feeling really spacy and anxious because I wanted to go workout but forced myself to post. I kept reminding myself that this will help others and so I felt a little better.

I started to workout and I was feeling a little exhausted and worried about that. I told myself if i'm going to faint then faint and it'll be ok because people will be there if I need help and I still have to do what I was planning to do. I was able to put more into working out and I felt really good near the end because I accomplished my goal for the day and I'm one step closer to having an amazing body. I felt really happy and I even checked myself in the mirror and wow I'm getting bigger. I'm starting to get man boobs! aka big pecs, not the saggy man boobs.

Anyways I then went and got something to eat and came back in and I went into the wirlpool and relaxed for like 10 minutes and I felt a little anxious doing it but it felt really good on the body. I then showered and then practiced the hip-hop stuff I wanted to do (even though i felt rushed and a little exhausted), I got it done and felt good and then I used the relaxation cd and layed down and went with it. I was somewhat having wandering thoughts but I'm not spending as much time in that zone. I then went to the receptionist desk to get my membership card and I told her how impressed I was and that it was my first time at that location. She asked which location I usually go to and when I answered her response was oh. I then talked a little more about how I was impressed but she didn't seem interested. Before that would bother me but it didn't matter because I was happy with it and she didn't have to be happy with me.

I left the gym and headed over to my friend's work. I suprised her and she was really happy and I talked to her for like 10 minutes and left. I then decided to go to my friend's place and I spontaneously decided to clean my friend's place without any expectations. I felt good about doing it the whole time as I was thinking it'll be easier for him because he's planning a party and this will make it so he doesn't have as much to do. I then left and he called me and asked if i wanted to come over and he was about to jump onto the subway and head home. I met him before he got there and we went up together. He got into the appartment and didn't really noticed that I cleaned up until he went into the bathroom and he thought it was the superintendant that came in and cleaned the place and he was getting a little anxious and paranoid. He checked his phone for messages and didn't get any and then I showed him that I still have the set of keys to his place. He was sooooo happy that I cleaned up and hugged me a few times and kept saying I can't believe you cleaned my bathroom. It was totally worth it and he said I helped him out so much by doing that.


Mike

[THH]

Mike,
You will get a taste of it and you will know when it happens. It is very freeing. It will encourage you! keep trying for it. Also try picturing swimming with a big rock. How hard it is keeping it with you. All you have to go is let it go, it is not going to hurt you to drop it, it will just float down to the bottom and be with other rocks. But you will be so free, and you will be able to swim so much better. Just a little imagination that I have.

I hope I can help in the anger session. I did pretty good there. Self talk and expectations 2nd gains, were my weakest. I could do better with exercise. I think I eat ok. I could have bouts with IBS and sense I don't get panic over so many things it to has gotten so much better.

You did get sick, and everyone tells me it is a long several weeks to get over it. So wait another week and see how your exhaustion is then. I know what you mean when you figure something out. Some places it fits and others it don't. Try eating more veggies, fruit it really helps keep you regular.

Oh yes, very slow. I could not even tell I was making progress. One thing I did was quit assessing it daily. I went week to week. Took averages. That helped. I can just tell you that I think you will get to a place where you have days together with out anxiety. I thought I never would. ANOTHER NEGATIVE THOUGHT! Keep the hope alive.

[THH]

Mike,
See you wanted to be moving, working out. You made your self post instead. Mike first. Help second. Just my thought.

YEY!!! Good work on the work out!!!

Your lady at the desk could have had a ton of work to do, feeling like she did not have too much time to visit. Maybe she has anxiety too?

Ahhh so nice that your friend noticed that you cleaned and gave you a big thanks for the help!!! Nice....
You can come surprise me by cleaning any time! Wish I had a friend to do that! Haha...

Have a good weekend everyone!

[THH]

Lindalee,
Nice to see you post again! We missed you.
That was funny about loosing your goals. I can relate!
Excellent goals!
Great job on know when to put the stop sign up too.


Lindalee, & Hope,

I too have limited my tv time, news, ect. It was making me sick. I hate all the medical commercials ask your Dr. this and that. When I turned 50 I got all kinds of crap in the mail. How do they know, and why do they target people over 50? AARP,funeral expense, Store 50 Plus card, scooter chairs, its crazy.
I guess they want you to plug into it. Its lame.

You are not alone!

[SeaRunner]

I am going to recover. Period.

I thought I make the quote short and to the point this post. I think it says it all!

So I've been dealing with a lot of depression in the last week and I'm starting to come out of it now. I'm starting to feel more hopeful and my energy levels are rising again. I haven't gotten a chance to read all of your posts, so I apologize for that. I'll try to catch up as time allows.

THOUGHTS ON SESSION 3

Expectations are a big one for me. While my own expectations are bad enough, I'm becoming keenly aware that I'm letting many other peoples expectations interfere with my progress as well. In most cases, the outside expectations are from people that only want the best for me, but instead of helping, it only adds to the pressure that I'm feeling.

For example, some of you may know that I'm a civil engineer by training. I practiced for seven years before finally moving on to a new career because I never really enjoyed it. In that time I became eligible to apply for my Professional Engineer (PE) license (you have to have a certain number of years worked under the supervision of another licensed PE).

When I changed jobs, I stopped practicing engineering although I work for another engineering company. The work I do now is strictly cost management and doesn't require a license. But my company and supervisor want me to still get my PE. I'm fully qualified and have already applied. In fact, I signed up to take the test twice (at a cost of several hundred dollars each time), but never made it to the exams because of the fear of driving there. The truth is that I really don't want the license. I know it would help me in terms of making me a more marketable and I would probably be happy after I got it, but it's not something that I'm really interested in investing all the time to get. I'm only making any effort at all because someone else wants me to get it.

I need to learn to tell people when I don't share their views for how I should be or what I should accomplish. I have to fight my desire to always please people. It's as if I have to be the perfect employee, the perfect person, the perfect partner. I feel like I can't let anyone down. That's nonsense and I need to start recognizing it as such. This is one should that's worth going after: I should treat myself better!

Jamie

[SeaRunner]

THH -

Thanks for sharing about the bridges. There are two bridges I'm aware of outside Washington that I swear I'll never cross. One is in Louisiana and is over 25 miles long crossing a huge reservoir lake. Midway across you can't even see land. The other is in France and is one of the tallest in the world. I'd never make it even to the edge of that one!

Jamie