The Challenge...Lesson 4

[mcshope]

I am more recovered everyday. No matter how negative I feel or what symptoms come up, I am still ok. I accept the reality of each moment and do not fight it. I have goals and I achieve them. When I feel frustrated, I know it is a sign that I'm on the verge of making a breakthrough and taking a big leap on a goal.

Hi everybody,

It has taken me time to respond to some of your posts, I have been thinking why... I think I have an idea, lets see if I can explain...
As I said before, this lesson is my favorite so far, however it is also the most difficult to work with. It is not easy to separate the expectations, it seems like everything I do is because of an expectation, and I lived all my life that way.
On the other hand, it is quite difficult to accept complements. It is like I can't believe it or I don't want to believe it. You all have said nice thing to me and I really appreciate it. It has made me feel all warm inside. Thank you.
Do you have any idea of how long it has taken me to write this post???... it is like the ideas get all messed up in my head. Usually the ideas flow, but with this post it is like pulling teeth.

[mcshope]

I am more recovered everyday. No matter how negative I feel or what symptoms come up, I am still ok. I accept the reality of each moment and do not fight it. I have goals and I achieve them. When I feel frustrated, I know it is a sign that I'm on the verge of making a breakthrough and taking a big leap on a goal.

Mike

You do something and then you expect a certain response which you usually don't get and then you just feel worthless, is that how it felt for you too?

Yes, that is how I feel. However is more than that, it is like no matter what I do, it is not enough.

Yes, I think we can help each other on this one.

[Karen L]

I am on the road to recovery and will recover.I will use the skilld I have learned daily because I refuse to let anxiety, fear, anger, and depression control my life. I am a strong personand can do this!

Hope

Hi Hope...
I think I understand where you are coming from..everything in my life is either an "I have to" or an "I should"...from getting out of bed, taking the kids to school, excercising, shopping, driving, making dinner, etc....and when I think about it, I really dont have to do any of them..... the shoulds I dont have to do either...in my opinion, I think it would be beneficial for people that have anxiety and depression to instead make every one of these "have to" and "should" a goal......that way, we "achieve" the things we do everyday... it also doesnt feel like an obligations but instead it feels like a triumph...does that make any sense?? I think that is what the lesson is teaching...

as far as other people's "shoulds"...is it something that we will feel triumph if we do?? is it important to us?? if the answer is no, then we need to let that go, cross it right off our list....because why should we do something we dont want to do or even feel good about?? why get caught up in the anxiety cycle when it's other's "shoulds"?? you eleveate the should and then we completely avoid that anxiety cycle that goes with it...

Im not sure if this makes any sense to anyone, but it makes alot of sense to me lol
I need to start praising myself for everything I do indeed do.....from getting out of bed, exercising, showering, shopping, driving, etc....these are all choices that I chose to do and why shouldnt I feel good about them?? I could chose to just lay in bed all day and not do anything...so why not feel good about what we do??

excuse my rambling, it comes naturally lol

and congrats to everyone on everything they chose to do today!!

[Karen L]

Mike

You do something and then you expect a certain response which you usually don't get and then you just feel worthless, is that how it felt for you too?

Yes, that is how I feel. However is more than that, it is like no matter what I do, it is not enough.

maybe instead of doing something for an expected response by others, we do things for the sole reason that it either makes us feel good about ourselves or because we know it is the right thing to do....that way the only goal and outcome is to feel good about what we did do....and if we get a positive response from others that is just an added bonus
and if we get a negative response, just leave that as the person's opinion......maybe they are just having a bad day...anyways, we dont have to answer to or impress anyone, just ourselves

again, not sure if this is making much sense as Im typing as I am thinking....but it's like Im having a break-through

[mcshope]

Hi Karen,
Yes, you are right... we really don't have to do anything, we do what we do because it helps us to feel better.
It is a nice feeling when you are having a break-trough.... isn't it?...

[Lindalee]

I am more recovered every day. No matter how negative I feel or what symptoms come up, I am still OK. I choose to live in the present moment. I have goals and am working to accomplish them.


Hi group,
I'm still working the program and following the post somewhat, although I will admit I haven't read them all.

When I wrote out my "shoulds" and turned them into goals I realized I had too many to really focus on, so I picked the most important ones. I wrote them on an index card and carried it with me to keep me focused on my goals. Yesterday I lost the index card. I started to panic, thinking I've lost my goals, and some one will find that card and read it and think I'm really weird, ...

I brought that stop sign up in my head. And then I reminded myself that I lost a piece of paper listing my goals, my goals are still my goals and I can rewrite them, and if I forget one, then it wasn't that important of a goal anyway. And if some one finds my sheet, so what, they are all true and good goals for myself or anyone, nothing to be ashamed of.

And if they think I'm weird for writng them down and carrying them around, again, so what.Who knows, it might inspire them instead.

My shoulds turned into goals,

1. I will remember that I do not have to do something perfectly or almost perfectly to feel I have done it well. I can even fail successfully, I can learn from it.

2. I will decrease my body fat percentage. I don't care what number the scale has on it, I want to pursue health, not a certain size.

3. I will update my skills and seek employment.

4. I will clean and organize my house, barn, and yard a little at a time, to be more comfortable, help the property sell, and make moving easier when that time comes.

5. a. I will ride the thoroughbred horse in the arena.
b. After I am comfortable with 5a, I will ride him on the trail.

6. I will play the piano for my enjoyment only, without the need to improve my ability or impress anyone, this will be an activity strictly for my enjoyment.

The idea of being aware of the negativity or positiveness of things around me and choosing the positive has come to my attension from several areas of my life, one being a different post on this same site. I am chosing positve music, TV shows, etc. I, and many of us sensitive people, can be affected by such negatives. The crime dramas are entertaining but can leave me feeling tense and down, even if they catch the bad guy.

I can't respond to individual posts, but thank you everyone for keeping this post active. It helps to know I'm not alone on my quest for recovery.

[mcshope]

I am more recovered everyday. No matter how negative I feel or what symptoms come up, I am still ok. I accept the reality of each moment and do not fight it. I have goals and I achieve them. When I feel frustrated, I know it is a sign that I'm on the verge of making a breakthrough and taking a big leap on a goal.

Lindalee,
It is good to hear from you. Your goal sound really good.
I agree with you on the positive music and positive TV show. Actually, my husband and I have reduced our cable TV to the basic chanels, because we realized that there is too much violence and garbage on TV. We mainly rent movies or watch movies thru the internet.
I have found some amazing and positive movies lately. One of my favorites is "Tuesdays with Morrie", another one "Saving Grace" (the movie, not the program).
I am trying to be very careful with what I watch on TV. I look for things that make me feel good and that make me laugh.
I wish everything is going good for you.
Hope

[THH]

Mike,
I did not think of my mind using the anxiety for a excuse, But you are right. That was what I was doing. This could be why I had such a hard time with figuring out some of my secondary gains. Some of them are really more excuses, rather than be assertive, or being self confident. I have trained my self to let anxiety take over,( a crutch so to speak) to rule over things I could not do with confidence. You have such a better way with words, but I feel a break through here, at least some of the times. I know I do get 2nd gains from other things, but when I can't think of them, maybe I can look at this to see if it was my "easy" (NOT) way out.

Yes I'm having more days flowing together better for longer times. That is not to say I have it all figured out, as we know it only takes one thing to make us question everything. But I do feel more in control of my thoughts, and reactions. YAY!

I have generalized anxiety. I have a few certain fears that I know will cause me anxiety. I'm doing better with setting my self up and lowering my expectations too.

I guess we both need to work on the pre judging thing. There are just so many areas to work on, its good to focus on just a couple at a time. I think that is when I go into the overwhelm state.

Yes on let it just happen. I think that for me anyhow, some of the things on my list just get better by improving on another area. I think for me my memory is stronger when it is not rattled or scrambled by too much thoughts that are out of order. i get my thoughts in order, and much of the "junk" just disappears.

I eat lots of things I don't have to cook. Salads, yogurts, fruit, snack bars ect. 4-6 wow! Your growing! LOL....

Yes I was in a abusive relationship. I'm good these days and it don't bother me. It has been 30 years ago. It took me years to untangle it and move on. I can say I have done that. That is 1 thing I don't obsess over anymore.

I'll post week 4.

Expectations: Expect Less And Get More
*ATTITUDE is everything
*Depression is treatable.
*I will not "should" on myself today.
* I am capable of setting realistic goals.
* I can stop taking myself so seriously.
* Unrealistic expectations cause stress.
* Unreasonable " shoulds" bring frustrations.
* My best is good enough.
* I am worth standing up for.
* I am no longer a victim thinker.

Side 2
1. Would I ask this of anyone else?
2. Is this really my responsibility?
3. Am I overreacting?
4. How can I be more effective and less affected?

5. Am I trying to be perfect?
6. Who am I trying to impress?
7. Is this MY goal?
8. Di I really have to control this?

EXPECT to feel less stress,sadness and anxiety.

" I feel so much better now that I have given up control of the universe."

[NinjaFrodo]

In response to Karen L;

Sometimes we need other people to show us the irrationality of some of the things we think are "normal" or positive.

Thats one thing i've actually learned from watching Xena Warrior princess (my favorate show in the world). To learn from any and all experiences weather they are good or bad.

Yea I understand how it can feel like not enough no matter what you do. The thing is its not enough for the other person and I don't think anything would ever be enough for that person. People aren't likely going to be able to be impressed about other people's actions and good deeds if they aren't impressed or happy with their own.

It makes sense and in fact I just read this and had to laugh because I was in the area of where my friend lives and I still have spare keys. I came over and spent 2 hours cleaning his place because I know he is going to have a party soon. I did it because I feel good about it and he may complain (because he's somewhat of a perfectionist) but thats fine.


In response to mcshope;

Sorry your havig such a hard time with posting today. I can definately relate with living life by expectations and not so much out of desire. It can be very difficult. It also took me awhile to accept compliments myself. I had to start of just saying thank you (without believing it) and slowly I started to believe it.

We can definately help each other with that and I misunderstood how Karen L quoted that as well and your response. I'd recommend reading what I've posted in response to her posts.


Lindalee

Good to see you back. I missed you!

I had to laugh when you said you had thought you lost your goals. that would be great if we were able to do that same thing with our obsessive thoughts as well!

Those are really great goals and awesome thought replacement. I also share the goal of improving on my skills and seeking employment.


Mike

[NinjaFrodo]

In response to THH;

Wow really you didn't realize it as using an excuse. I figured thats how you figured to tell yourself that if your going to faint then faint and go do the task you were planning to. Thats great that I can help with the breakthrough. The lesson on secondary gains was something I understood right away but I guess I didn't really see how the exhaustion played into it.

yay more control is good. I'm also starting to notice that I'm having some moments where I'm in the moment and nothing is bothering me and I don't feel anxious. They are very minimal in length and frequency but its starting!

I didn't know you had generalized anxiety but that is really inspiring how far you've come with it. Knowing what you have posted in the past along with this new information about the generalized anxiety. You're doing just really great!

Yeah there are so many to work on but I find it alot easier when we are on certain lessons and it helps determine which to work on. That and whatever life sends us in that week.

I guess I'll take another look at that list then. I'm sure many things on there are going to improve on their own and I don't really need to worry about them.

Yeah i eat 4-6 smaller meals because I want to get lean and I want to have abs.

Well thats great you don't obsessive over that abusive relationship. I know some people who have obsessed over that for years and years.


That card seems the same as it was before. Thank you for posting it.

I would feel good if I gave up control of the universe as well. Maybe I'll try that.


Mike