Empowering Group Program Run-through part4

[forever young 06]

I love reading thru these post. I can relate to what a lot of you say.

mike I like your input I feel you can see some of my problems I can't see . I blamed my mother a lot for the way I was because I feel it came from her but I finally realized she could not help it. she had a rough child hood too she was born in the 20s can you imagine the hardship she was the oldest of 7 children she had to help with the littlest ones. I felt sorry for her and stopped blaming one thing I did was put myself in her place. Yes it was hard on me losing my father at a young age. I think I also was thinking other things mike like you are suppressing my feelings and you know it doesn't matter that I can't remember a lot about my past may it was a way of protecting me sometimes I thought it might help me if I could remember because there might be something there that caused me to be the way I am. but I feel like I can still recover with these skills and the help of God .

THH do you have any trouble driving ? This is my worst problem and now worrying about my health.I still have some symptoms but yesterday I noticed I started having symptoms and I started the breathing exercise and I started feeling better. I also was to go to the dr yesterday and you won't believe when I got there and signed in they said they had tried to call me as my dr was sick and went home they left a message on my answering machine. I said I had been home all morning and no one had called me and I don't have a answering machine. I wanted to get really angry but I held my composure and just let it be. she said I could see her on Tues. see how lucky you are to have a good dr. what if I had driven 1 hr and couldn't see the dr. what are you doing for Thanks giving ? my daughter and I thought about going out to eat rather than cook but her husband wanted us to have a dinner at their house. he said he would cook the meal himself so we are cooking. I am having trouble getting into the holidays but I really need to try more. I am going to do some decorating today for Christmas.

I am reading some old material from back in the 80s. I can't believe how times have changed but the message is still the same you have to face your fears. I have never wanted to but that is why I am still in the place I am today. I want to try my best this time and learn these skills and let go and let God I want to move forward. I will do my best.

[THH]

I did not finish my homework yet, I have time tonight and Saturday. Again this one has been harder for me. Trying to answer the questions with things going on in my life nowadays.
Mike some of my "should"s are:
I should feel good everyday!
I should not take things so personally.
I should not take myself so seriously.
I should keep everyone happy and cheerful.
I should not get nervous, be calm all the time.

My expectations:
People to appreciate when you do nice things for them.
People to be respectful
People to their jobs well.
People to be caring, trustworthy, ect...
People to be supportive

It seams like some shoulds & expiations over lap. I did not finish my homework yet. I had some trouble and needed to think a little on it.

I think for me expectations are like a thing you put on someone else. That somehow they will give you the result you have in your mind. If I behave one way and expect someone to encourage, nurture, listen to me, what ever and they don't, like you say most people can't or they would, that is a expectation. Trying to get something that you only have in you, from someone else. So to be secure in yourself is the key. And that is a journey.

I watched a TV show last night and some Guru was on. He was working with kids who are either bullies or been bullied. It was interesting.
He did a cool meditation where you sat and put your hands on your heart, and got in tune with your heart, this is your best friend. Being mindful of the beat and breathing. how calming it was. He also taught them when the anxious fears starting coming to walk in slow circles and practice the same breathing as our program, until they slowed down. It was cool to see how kids balanced out. He also was helping a kid who was helping other kids and he was holding on to all this anxiety as he felt the others pain. So this Guru was teaching him how to let go. He did a couple yoga exercises and also had him build a tower out of sticks. After it was built he had the kid pull one block out at a time until it crashed all over the floor. A form of letting go. Just food for thought...

[THH]

Coach Chris,
Thank you for your reply. Also for the link. Loved the "dummies" link. That was helpful to me, I recognized some traits that showed I have some co-dependency's. I will be mindful of all this. Maybe check out the book as well. Thanks.
I never PM anyone on here is there a link to show how to do that? So far I feel comfortable posting in this forum but I do see people say pm and I don't know how to do that?

[THH]

Mike:
I could use several of your should too...
especially the one that says : I should be better by the time in the program it says to face my limitations
LOL...
You have good thought replacements, I still have to work very hard for them.

THAT IS AWESOME! You go for it!!! Five stars on even thinking about trying for the job!!!!

[Ninjafrodo2]

This is the picture I made from that insight I got about breaking goals down and making the goal to try instead of having a certain outcome happen. I use these pictures as affirmations, I check them out a couple times a day and it helps to anchor them in...plain old words on paper are boring and don't work for me, I need visual stimulus along with it.

I've been thinking more about this not expecting stuff and yeah like THH said, it can be challenging. I remember the first time I went through the program this one was extremely hard to do...One of the action assignments said to not expect things from people and I got confused...I was trying not to expect certain things from people or myself but then I was thinking that I shouldn't expect myself to not expect myself or others to do things all the time...I wasn't sure what was realistic, it seems funny now though.

This whole expectation thing is interesting...you just expect people to react the same why they've always reacted or that situations will end up being the same way that they have in the past, or that when you set out on a goal that it'll turn out either the way you most want it (maybe you expect someone to see what you've done and comment positively on it and say how amazing you are), or the worst possible senario (you say no to someone and they immediately hate you and never want to talk to you again). Then there is expectations about things turning out just as good as they had before again like THH mentioned, and also for things or people to respond in ways that are the least problematic and are the least likely to trigger your anxiety and make you feel uncomfortable or insecure. There is alot to think about.

Again, Life is pretty interesting especially when i'm focusing on learn certain things in the program, it seems to mimic the lesson and bring upon situations that challenge me in there (which by the way is pretty awesome because nothing beats hands on experience). My landlord usually doesn't come to the house on friday evenings but he's here, my headphones don't always work well with my iPhone when i'm listening to music, then there is this job thing as well where I feel like I have to go to the interview and I have to take the job because my friend told me his boss was looking for someone and my friend told me about it...lots of expectations here.


Thought replacement;
1)What-if I don't take the job and my friend gets mad at me and doesn't want to be around me or ever help me out again.
Magnification, Fortune telling

I think I'm making a bigger deal out of this than it is. He didn't go out of his way to get this for me nor did he promise anything to his boss. He isn't as likely to stop helping me just because I said no but even if he did, I'd find another opportunity down the road through some other means.

2)Staying in the present moment is too hard, I keep zoning out. I'm not doing good enough and I'm going to fail at this and not recover.
All-or-nothing

I am working on switching from a behavior that has been a great source of security for me to being more in the moment. Its going to take time, it could be really scary for me to let go of that security but I am doing it and the more I do it, the more comfortable I'll get at it and the more secure I'll feel with it.


ForeverYoung;
When you think about that stuff with your mother and with your struggles, and when you typed that in, in your last response...are you able to feel the stuff or is it just an intellectual thing? I'm just curious.


THH;
there definately is some overlap, I noticed that too...I think when you hold certain beliefs for yourself, you tend to expect the same things from other people...its a way to feel the same and to be connected, at least on a subconscious way, if that makes sense.

And yeah that is an expectation for them do respond in the way that you need them to in order to get what you need/want. There is also the idea that even when people are rude to you, you may not expect everybody to be nice and kind but at the same time you also don't have to put up with it and you can choose to be assertive in order to make it a goal that you get the respect you are looking for.

That tv show sounds pretty cool!

thank you about the thought replacement compliment. You know I wasn't actually really that good at them before, it didn't really feel good on a gut level but I seem to be able to get it better now. I think part of that is what I learned from a book called "being genuine how to stop being nice and start being real", it talked about how everybody has needs and how its important to recognize that and to communicate your needs to others and to recognize their needs as well especially when it comes to disagreements. When you truely want to get in touch with yourself, looking at the needs helps you do that as well as looking at the limitations and where you are at the moment.

Another aspect is what I learned in Compassion Focused Therapy which is an offshoot to CBT...it has the same thought replacement aspect in it but it also focuses on cultivating compassion within ourselves, and I find that helps me to replace thoughts better as well. If it helps, do what I suggested to MapleLane and focus on what you'd say to a child. Children try to do their best but they have struggles, they also are trying to get their own needs met and it hurts when they aren't...see any kind of mental/emotional pain has an underlying need that isn't being met and the emotion is an indicator of that it is also a motivator to try to resolve that issue.

And thank you for the job thing too and keeping with the lesson about expecations and thinking about it being an accomplishment...I don't think i'm going to take the job though.


Mike

[THH]

Forever young:
Yes I do have some trouble driving. If I am feeling stressed I too worry about a panic attack while driving. Most places I feel like if I do I can always pull off the road and feel better. Where I really panic is in confined areas where I can't see the grass or a way out. The more space the better for me. When things get too close, or I have trouble seeing at night, I try not to drive as I go to slow. People drive too fast. I always worry a deer or a critter may run out and I don't want to hit them. Ever sense I started wearing a bifocal I noticed not liking things when I drive.

Good for you on feeling better. I still at times feel anxious but over all I have been feeling better. I'm being mindful of sticking to facts, and trying not to pay attention to being light headed, or a hard heart beat. Or what ever other body symptom I tune into.
Aggggg that is the pits. I guess it was good practice huh? Someone dropped the ball.

We are going to my sisters for Thanksgiving. I make a couple pies, and a appetizer. I have the gang here for Christmas eve.
I got some things out today to put me in the mood. I am not a big holiday lover either. I do try to bring the little kid out of me and enjoy it. It has gotten much better as everyone is getting so old. Before it was tons of running around and the perfect gifts. The pressure is off with gift cards!
Hope you got in the mood a little today

[THH]

Mike:
I think I am a visual learner as well. Seeing a picture and some words registers better than just reading the words!

On this expectations thing, I think that is why we "should" not set goals to high. It would be a expectation that is unreasonable. Back to my never flying in a air plane to jumping out of one. The goal could be going to the air port - before flying out of the air port. Flying out of the air port before going parachuting. I know its a weak example, but I am still having trouble with thought replacement! LOL...

There is a lot to think about and how it applies to ones life.

Don't forget yes you maybe putting this job expectation on yourself. You really don't know for a fact that your friend will be mad at you. This could not be a job that you are really interested in. Also you could apply and find out more and then decide if you want it. Or you could say I'm not quiet ready to get a job yet.

[Ninjafrodo2]

I think I might have fallen back a bit on the whole body symptoms thing. I noticed that i'm back to avoiding things the way I did before lesson 2, oops! I'm also noticing that there are many things I "hate" to do (or at least that is the word that comes to mind in my head when I think about certain tasks), and really I seem to hate them just because in my mind they will cause anxiety...I am still stuck in a negative belief that the task itself is what causes the anxiety when really its my thoughts....hmm maybe it would be great to make some picture quotes for that.

THH;
You learn visually too huh? Alright then here you go,


and I'll post more of those kinds of pictures, you and anybody else can definately print them off and use them if you'd like. I actually had several of those on black paper which helped to make me feel like i'm worthy (one of the pictures said "you're worth it") and then it had other pictures to help create some compassion there in there as well and in the center was a picture of me when I was a kid.

Well I think this is pretty much the same thing you are saying...to set big goals but then set small goals and just focus on them while you work towards the big goal (ie going parachuting). Oh and by the way that was actually a great example, you were just crapping all over it and saying that it was not good enough.

And you're right about the job...I am only mildly interested because there are certain aspects of that job which I could use in order to further my growth but the job is very mundane and boring over all...I wouldn't be doing it because I'd love it, I'd be doing it because of the money and I really am not ready yet....its funny I was seriously considering it but then what kept catching my eye were little signs that were telling me no...like for instance in the workbook for this lesson it says don't take on added responsibility and stress right now...another is that in one of my pictures while I was flipping through a bunch one had said "heal it up all the way" and there were many internal messages and feelings that were discouraging me from it as well. I know not listening to my intuition usually ends badly for me, taking the job could actually set me back on my progress and my healing and me wind up back in the same kidn of situation I was in with the last full time position where I kept getting sick and got fired because of that.


Mike

[THH]

Mike:
Love, Love the picture and the words are fitting!!! This one is good to print out. Thanks...

I did not finish my homework! We have the thanksgiving holiday this week, and there are more things I must do. I'm not sure if we want to wait to continue or just go forward. I will try to keep up with what I can, I can't remember what lesson is next. I plan on doing the rest of my book Sunday. ( session 4)

Mike, I think if it were me, I would try to do other things on your goal list first. The job is a big one, and it will affect your income. If your on disability it would be a pain to get off and maybe back on. And there maybe a time when you get off it, and need to get back on it. That is Okay. I would build your confidence on something lessor. Try not to guilt yourself for not working. That is what those programs are for. You will get financially independent one day, your working hard on your self. And even if you never get a job your still a good person!
I'm not sure if the day will come when your completely ready to go to work and not have it cause some kind of anxiety. BUT being able to deal with other areas with little or no anxiety will give you the inner being to want to try the job market. Try not to be afraid of failure. When the time feels right for you, YOU will succeed!

Where is everyone? Maybe getting ready for the busy week and the holiday.

P.S. I just looked and the next one is diet and exercise. Maybe we can finish this one combined with the next one??? It is important don't get me wrong, but not too much to write about.

[Ninjafrodo2]

I listened to the lesson 2 cd again and what caught my attention was the part where she said "the reason i'm having anxiety is because..." I think its best for me to go back to focusing on that whenever I have those uncomfortable feelings.


THH;
Yeah I wonder where the others are as well....hmm well I think maybe we could all use an extension to this lesson so lets do thus lesson until next sunday and then move on, it'll give people the chance to catch up or to take a couple days off to a week and then come back more refreshed. I'll continue to post.



Mike