Post
by awake2 » Fri Apr 15, 2011 7:12 pm
Thank you for sharing your post, I know it's a can be a tough thing to talk about. I appreciate your honesty so much, that's a very strong trait. You are not alone. I felt the same way for a long time, I was picked on alot at school, and even though I didn't see anything wrong with myself, I figured there must have been something if I got picked on so much. Thing is kids can be very cruel, because arguebly most kids care about fitting in and being liked and accepted. One of the easiest ways it seems to fit in is to block others out. It's unfortunate. In know in my mind it caused a lot of anxiety and feelings of depression and low self worth. And as Lucinda says I usually worked on the people who didn't like me the hardest. This led me to a lot of unhealthy relationships in friendships and in intimate. Alot of anxiety and depression from that too. I was kind of seeking out the situations I was in because I felt I wasn't good enough to have something healthy, normal whatever. I sought out people who reinforced that negative opinion I had of myself. It took me many years but I finally recognized that, got some help for myself, and now for the first time I'm actually building my own life. And you know what thats anxiety producing too lol, but my life is a lot better with these people gone. The reality is, these people are gone but their memories linger, the nasty hurtful things, the way people treated me and the guilt I have for not defending myself. It's been engrained in me for so long too. I try to remind myself that it's just a memory, it's not real anymore and I try to keep in mind I did what I could, I did the best I could. Somedays its easier than others, but I know it's true, even if some days it's harder for me to believe it. The past doesn't equal the future. I can't change the things that have happened but the future can be different. I try to do alot of nice things for myself and I try to treat myself the way I would want someone to treat me. That's the first step I think. You have to believe in yourself even when it seems the world is against you. It will take some time, some changes, but it will get easier. I promise, you will get stronger, the tears will stop. Try doing one nice thing for yourself today.
All I have been doing is crying all day. It hurts.