On my way back to ME, slowly, but surely, one day at a time!

[Smiling Sunflower]

I've had Generalized Anxiety Disorder since I was 16. I'm now 36. I've had bouts that are worse than others over the years. I've also had Panic Disorder and Social Anxiety Disorder. It all tied together. Over the years, I've learned to work with myself (notice I didn't say against myself) to blot out a lot of it. I also developed coping mechanisms, etc. I was doing pretty great with it all, so much so that I had even forgotten about it for most days and when it'd crop up I'd recognize and usually diffuse it.

About 5 mos ago a family member was a in a terrible accident. I didn't know how to cope, it was the first time something like that had happened in my life. I couldn't drive the hour to the hospital to see him, I couldn't drive others there, I had to admit to family members that I do have anxiety and it was just too much to go to the hospital. It left me feeling like a fool, that I couldn't really cope with the big things in life when they befall me, and that 'what if' and 'when' worse things happen, what will I do? I went from feeling pretty darn confident, to feeling like a child. For 3 months my anxiety symptoms returned of a lot of generalized feelings of unease, and just lacking confidence, and anxious a lot. Then a few months ago I had a panic attack over something at home involving food contamination (an obsessive fear that I would do something to contaminate our food or something) and it's escalated to ocd type anxiety and just a mess of worry, worry, worry for me.

It was so bad I couldn't sleep at night, just felt my body pumping fear out like a megaphone and was scared to death of the obsessive, scary thoughts I was having about doing something to harm myself or others. There was NEVER intent, just fear, fear, fear, that I'd 'flip' or something or 'blank out' and do something, it was just all so irrational.

When I drill down, it all has to do with my confidence in myself and how I started to feel lack of self control and how to handle things back during that accident. That's exactly when the anxiety avalanche started again. I also think that I'd felt so good for years that I had forgotten how easily the fear spreads to other areas of your life and how to cope.

I also found out I was pregnant in the midst of this stuff, so I think that's contributed to my high emotions and not feeling like I could deal with things. That was just 2.5 mos ago though, right during the onset of the ocd irrational stuff.

I got this program and have listened here or there, but am now deciding to try to commit to it. I've gotten a bit better on my own and am getting some of my confidence back, but I still have the lingering fear and unease a lot of the day and the ocd 'omg what if' symptoms love to crop up over the most irrational, stupid things! It's like I don't fear normal things because I trust God to take care of us, I just have been having high anxiety over the dumbest, irrational things, usually ones I'm in control of myself!

I just wanted to share my story and let you know there's hope. I've been without most the anxiety off and on throughout my life and it's possible! I am growing and changing each week and learning more about myself and my biggest thing now is frustration and patience to work this out of my system and get my mindset in a better place. I've found it's a negative habit and even an addiction to a thought pattern that gets us into these states. I've been watching the patterns and that's exactly how it goes. The times I'm able to 'step out of it', I can really see it and I feel powerful. You'd think a person could just recognize and 'step out' and in time I know I will (and you will, too), but it's baby steps of learning to recondition your thinking. Once you get your amygdala turned on (that's your primitive fear center, look it up) it kind of likes to act of it's own accord and freak out all the time. Your rational mind is like wth? But the amygdala has already seen a percieved threat and sent out alarms. Once you recognize this, it helps you to understand what is going on. The key is in calming yourself down, body and mind, and learning to calm the alarms before they get off and running. Then it will finally stop being such a hair trigger and imaginary armsman trying to 'protect you', but in essence scaring you and making you feel ill at ease all too often.

I wanted to share my journal entry for today. I've not been journaling much, I didn't really understand how, I guess, or maybe I just didn't want to see things in writing. But I've decided to journal about my self-discoveries, and maybe not write down all my negative feelings, or if I do I'll rip it out and throw that page in the trash!

Here's my discovery for today after listening to a session:

The very nature of ME, and all that I've been my entire life, along with God, protects me from the irrational things I've been fearing! My "me" protects me automatically! There is no need to fear or doubt myself or abilities in any way because behind the self-created cloud of fear - I'm me!

The worry I often feel is a habit, an addictive cycle, in reaction to stimuli, times of day, and habits, etc.

The way out of the fear is to stay in the present moment! Take relaxing breaths and relax my mind AND body. Recognize WHY I'm feeling anxious, then consciously UNDER-REACT and move along with my day. It may take a few minutes, but it will pass and I'll feel better.

End of journaling for today.

Also, it's helped me to know these things from when I got very much over anxiety in the past. It's the truth and it helped me then and it's helping me now. Writing this for you is helping me now and I hope something in here helps you! I'll be back to write more later this week. It's amazing how much better I feel when I step out of my own head and try to help others.

We will get through this together, and don't forget to PRAY!

P.S. I cried half the day from frustration from just having the anxiety issue back in my life. But I decided to listen to a session and do the relaxation CD and that helped me get my focus back, then I had a rational think about things and feel better. It may not last for days, or even hours, but if I feel the spiral again, I'll do it again and keep picking myself back up until I'm whole again.

[Iwillbebetter]

smiling sunflower, thank you so much for you post, it can be so helpful to hear of others that have gone, or are going threw the same things. I have also suffered from General Anxiety for a long time (mine goes back really since I can remember) I didn't realize, but learned to live with it. It was "just me". After having 2 children back to back, my emotions were so outta control, I broke down. That is when I really started to realize, it's not just that I am feeling this now, I have always felt this, it's just so intense now! Although it took sometime, here I am 3-4 years later, but I am now committed more than ever!! I am realizing it is me, that has gotten myself where I am. The way I have thought about things and re-acted to things (Or over thought and over/under reacted to things I should say)

There is hope, it can be done, we can be happy!

[NeverQuit]

Great job Sunflower! That's awesome. I needed to read this today - I have been through the program a few times now, yet I am still struggling with these negative thoughts. I know that I am working against my own brain, like you mentioned, and this takes TIME. It's so important to remind ourselves when we fall into a slump that we are just that, in a little slump, but we will come out of it. I know for me personally, hormones, allergies (the pollen will make you anxious!), and lack of sleep are affecting me big time right now.

A great reminder to us all to keep pressing foward and we WILL see results! I needed this, thank you for posting!!

God bless!

[darlafred]

Great job Sunflower! That's awesome. I needed to read this today - I have been through the program a few times now, yet I am still struggling with these negative thoughts. I know that I am working against my own brain, like you mentioned, and this takes TIME. It's so important to remind ourselves when we fall into a slump that we are just that, in a little slump, but we will come out of it. I know for me personally, hormones, allergies (the pollen will make you anxious!), and lack of sleep are affecting me big time right now.

A great reminder to us all to keep pressing foward and we WILL see results! I needed this, thank you for posting!!

God bless!

Totally agree never quit. It is always a work in progress and always remember it will go away. Thanks for sharing
sunflower you are so on. Darlafred

[Scottsky]

I've had Generalized Anxiety Disorder since I was 16. I'm now 36. I've had bouts that are worse than others over the years. I've also had Panic Disorder and Social Anxiety Disorder. It all tied together. Over the years, I've learned to work with myself (notice I didn't say against myself) to blot out a lot of it. I also developed coping mechanisms, etc. I was doing pretty great with it all, so much so that I had even forgotten about it for most days and when it'd crop up I'd recognize and usually diffuse it.

About 5 mos ago a family member was a in a terrible accident. I didn't know how to cope, it was the first time something like that had happened in my life. I couldn't drive the hour to the hospital to see him, I couldn't drive others there, I had to admit to family members that I do have anxiety and it was just too much to go to the hospital. It left me feeling like a fool, that I couldn't really cope with the big things in life when they befall me, and that 'what if' and 'when' worse things happen, what will I do? I went from feeling pretty darn confident, to feeling like a child. For 3 months my anxiety symptoms returned of a lot of generalized feelings of unease, and just lacking confidence, and anxious a lot. Then a few months ago I had a panic attack over something at home involving food contamination (an obsessive fear that I would do something to contaminate our food or something) and it's escalated to ocd type anxiety and just a mess of worry, worry, worry for me.

It was so bad I couldn't sleep at night, just felt my body pumping fear out like a megaphone and was scared to death of the obsessive, scary thoughts I was having about doing something to harm myself or others. There was NEVER intent, just fear, fear, fear, that I'd 'flip' or something or 'blank out' and do something, it was just all so irrational.

When I drill down, it all has to do with my confidence in myself and how I started to feel lack of self control and how to handle things back during that accident. That's exactly when the anxiety avalanche started again. I also think that I'd felt so good for years that I had forgotten how easily the fear spreads to other areas of your life and how to cope.

I also found out I was pregnant in the midst of this stuff, so I think that's contributed to my high emotions and not feeling like I could deal with things. That was just 2.5 mos ago though, right during the onset of the ocd irrational stuff.

I got this program and have listened here or there, but am now deciding to try to commit to it. I've gotten a bit better on my own and am getting some of my confidence back, but I still have the lingering fear and unease a lot of the day and the ocd 'omg what if' symptoms love to crop up over the most irrational, stupid things! It's like I don't fear normal things because I trust God to take care of us, I just have been having high anxiety over the dumbest, irrational things, usually ones I'm in control of myself!

I just wanted to share my story and let you know there's hope. I've been without most the anxiety off and on throughout my life and it's possible! I am growing and changing each week and learning more about myself and my biggest thing now is frustration and patience to work this out of my system and get my mindset in a better place. I've found it's a negative habit and even an addiction to a thought pattern that gets us into these states. I've been watching the patterns and that's exactly how it goes. The times I'm able to 'step out of it', I can really see it and I feel powerful. You'd think a person could just recognize and 'step out' and in time I know I will (and you will, too), but it's baby steps of learning to recondition your thinking. Once you get your amygdala turned on (that's your primitive fear center, look it up) it kind of likes to act of it's own accord and freak out all the time. Your rational mind is like wth? But the amygdala has already seen a percieved threat and sent out alarms. Once you recognize this, it helps you to understand what is going on. The key is in calming yourself down, body and mind, and learning to calm the alarms before they get off and running. Then it will finally stop being such a hair trigger and imaginary armsman trying to 'protect you', but in essence scaring you and making you feel ill at ease all too often.

I wanted to share my journal entry for today. I've not been journaling much, I didn't really understand how, I guess, or maybe I just didn't want to see things in writing. But I've decided to journal about my self-discoveries, and maybe not write down all my negative feelings, or if I do I'll rip it out and throw that page in the trash!

Here's my discovery for today after listening to a session:

The very nature of ME, and all that I've been my entire life, along with God, protects me from the irrational things I've been fearing! My "me" protects me automatically! There is no need to fear or doubt myself or abilities in any way because behind the self-created cloud of fear - I'm me!

The worry I often feel is a habit, an addictive cycle, in reaction to stimuli, times of day, and habits, etc.

The way out of the fear is to stay in the present moment! Take relaxing breaths and relax my mind AND body. Recognize WHY I'm feeling anxious, then consciously UNDER-REACT and move along with my day. It may take a few minutes, but it will pass and I'll feel better.

End of journaling for today.

Also, it's helped me to know these things from when I got very much over anxiety in the past. It's the truth and it helped me then and it's helping me now. Writing this for you is helping me now and I hope something in here helps you! I'll be back to write more later this week. It's amazing how much better I feel when I step out of my own head and try to help others.

We will get through this together, and don't forget to PRAY!

P.S. I cried half the day from frustration from just having the anxiety issue back in my life. But I decided to listen to a session and do the relaxation CD and that helped me get my focus back, then I had a rational think about things and feel better. It may not last for days, or even hours, but if I feel the spiral again, I'll do it again and keep picking myself back up until I'm whole again.

[pookie4]

I am very new at this Anxiety and I loved your post...I had a traumatic expierence my mom almost died and soon after that I had my first panic attack which led to my anxiety...I have had the irrational thoughts everyday for 3 months and its very hard to get out of the cycle...it scares me so much because the things I would think are not me never have I ever thought of such horrible things...I didnt want to be around people...I would just cry because the thoughts dont go away and are so upsetting I was afraid one day I would act on my thoughts not having any control...I have since started Buspar which is helping me think a little more clearly. I was very against medication but I wasnt healthy I kept losing weight and didnt want to be around my children...How did you get out of the cycle? the buspar is working but i dont want to be on it forever

[coach21]

Hi Pookie4,

Couldn't help respond to your post because because scary thought were one of my symptoms of anxiety. Through this program and utilizing alot of resources I successfully eliminated the feelings of despair, anxiety and depression associated with these thoughts. Through this experience I learned alot about this particular symptom of anxiety which I'd like to share.
As per "It scares me so much because the things I would think are not me never have I thought of such horrible things....."
First of all I know your reffering to anxiety but their is no "it". When we refer to anxiety as "it" our brain will perceive our symptoms as an entity literally creating our own boogeyman. All we are talking about is obscure, automatic, spontaneous thoughts. Very normal, very human. As per "afraid one day I would act on these thoughts....afraid to be around my children..." The mere fact that you recognized these thoughts as irational is pure evidence supporting incathe fact that you are incapable of acting on any of these thoughts. Every human gets weird, unintended, spontaeous, intrusive thoughts however, those prone to anxiety are a little more sensitive and analytical than most. Thus we tend to get into the habit of reacting to these thoughts in a counteproductive analytical manner bombarding ourselves with a plethora of irrational "what if's?" creating alot of anxiety for ourselves.

As per "I would just cry because the thoughts won't go away". Our initial reaction to these thoughts is to think in terms of elimination thus what happens when we try not to think of the sunset? We think of the sunset. It's the paradox of mental control. The more we attempt to not think of these obscure thoughts just results in variations of the thoughts themselves.

Right now you are personalizing these thoughts and irrationally concluding these thoughts represent you in some way. Nothing could be further from the truth. Reality is our irrational reaction to these thoughts is a very common symtom of anxiety. The thoughts aren't the problem, it's our reaction to the thoughts.

As per "starting Buspar......didn't want to be around my children..." I did the same Pookie. Don't beat yourself up for being on medication. I was on zoloft and successfully weaned myself off when I acquired and implemented the knowledge neccessary to eliminate the feelings of depression and anxiety associated with these thoughts. You are fully capable of reaching this goal as well.

As per "how did you get out of this cycle?" Through education and guidance from responsible ears (a coach/therapist who is well schooled in this symptom of anxiety). I learned alot about anxiety and implemented the knowledge I learned enabling me to eliminate the feeligns of desapir, anxiety and depression assocaited with these thoughts. I am a coach for StressCenter thus I'd be more than happy to assist you in any way. Feel free to e-mail directly through this website or directly at mikesc21@hotmail.com. God bless and keep pressing forward Pookie. God has the resources in line for you to re-establish your confidence. It's up to us to put action behind our faith.