Lifetime of Negative Programming (Lack of the Positive)

[Worry_wort]

Greetings -- How do you deal with a lifetime of never having positive programming. I am starting to analyze all of my scary thoughts and I realuize that there is a common thread. And that is that I don't have the skills to survive -- that almost every situation where I have to interact socially -- whether it be at work, whether it be in a relationship, etc., I have to act as if it isn't my true self, because, my true self lacks all these skills. I trace it to my childhood. I was put in school a year early, and I also had parents who never directed me or took an interest in me. They never encouraged me in anything, and never saw as important what other parents see as important for development. There was never any social developoment skills, and it was clear to me at a later time in life where these things really count, that I was quite uncomfortable in almost every situaion outside my family in spite of a very good education.

[Guest]

We seem to have a similar background. I come from an extremely abusive family, and I don't remember a time when I wasn't anxious and depressed. And no social skills were learned, because, among other things, my family was very insular, so that no outsider would know what was going on inside the home. Anyway, I grew up socially inept, but I did have friends, and as I got older, I emulated my best friend, who came from a very open, family-oriented background. I basically followed her example. It is where I learned things like, when you visit someone's new home or apartment for the first time, you bring a small gift; or, when you meet someone new, you ask them about themselves.....maybe stuff like this is "common sense" to people who grew up in regular homes, but it is not something I ever learned. So, my best advice, and what worked for me is, if you have a good friend whose judgment you trust, watch what they do, how they interact, and ask them for their advice. But my best general advice in social situations is to try to make the other person feel as comfortable and special as you would like to feel. I hope that this helps. You are not the only one out there with this problem.

[Guest]

Thank you for your reply. My family was very insular, also. I wasn't allowed to bring friends over, and I wasn't allowed to play on the street. I was told to play on another street, or away from the house. I wasn't allowed to bring friends over. Wasn't allowed to touch the tv set. Had to go to bed by 9pm even when graduated from high school. Had to play with other kid's toys; wse didn't get much. When, I went to college, I felt liberated with the 11 pm curfew, but the other students all felt quite limited. And the list goes on, including the fact that my father never was home 5 nights per week, never played sports with us etc. If I am complaining, I am seeking .nswers to why I feel sodcially inept -- which I feel is the root to my anxiety problem, and which might contain a clue as to my next direction.

[Guest]

By the way, I am an older person, and I have no friends, at present except two people who send me a card at Christmas; they never call me on the phone. So using friends as a role model, is quite difficult for me.

[Guest]

I had to smile when you wrote that you were so happy about the 11pm curfew when you went to college. I had exactly the same reaction! It seemed like paradise to me compared to what I had left. And even though I was close enough to go home weekends, I never did unless it was Christmas vacation, or something like that. Anyway, I, too, am "older", I guess. I am in my early 60s. So here is another suggestion...if you are at all spiritually inclined, find a local church that suits you. If not, volunteer. There are so many organizations that need people. One of the benefits to me is that it takes me "out" of myself, and puts my problems and concerns in their proper perspective. Sometimes, I think with all our problems, we become so centered on ourselves, and that is not necessarily a good thing. You obviously have skills.... I am here typing with one finger, while you have rotating Ws on your posts! If I think of anything else, I'll send it along. Hang in there.... I have survived thus far, and I continue to try to better my situation, so I know that you can too. I am rooting for you. Let me know how you are doing.

[Angie S.]

You both sound like terrific people to me. I agree one hundred percent with estherbunny about volunteering. You can pick the type. If you like animals, the ASPCA would love to have you aboard. If you like babies, most hospitals are happy to have volunteers who can simply sit in a rocking chair and rock newborns. And the list is just endless. Worrywort, you have quite a few good skills and they came right across in your posts. I am just into my 50's, and I am mostly retired these days. Too much time alone, too much quiet time, it isn't good for people like us because, as Lucinda says, we fill all that quiet time with negative self talk. While I'm working on session three, and learning how to change these bad habits, I am also making myself do more things off the ranch. Like go to lunch, even if it's alone, or go to a museum, even alone, or go to hear live music, even alone. I have to drive over an hour to do these things, but the drive is good. I listen to my session CD's. These are things I enjoy, and they fill my head with positive. It's hard for me, really hard, but I am making progress. And I had a good childhood, with good parents. So where did all this negative stuff come from? I think I made really bad choices by working too many years with an alcoholic surgeon who never had nice things to say. And I spent too many years in a marriage with a man who mistook me for his education tuition. And, I just haven't had the right tools, until now.

[Guest]

WW,
It sounds like you feel pretty beaten down sometimes.We are born with the right stuff, sometimes it just doesn't have a chance to grow until much later in life, like now. Being a worthy person, as you are, is not diminished because you did not learn all the social rules. The real question is not "why am I this way?", it is "what am I going to do about it?"

A first step might be giving yourself a more positive nickname. You did call yourself a seeker in your message and that says alot about your strength. Begin the rewiring of your automatic self-talk messages by giving yourself credit for engaging in this kind of serious inquiry.

There are basically 5 stages of change. Precontemplation or denial where people do not feel the need to change. Contemplation where people feel the need and are gathering information-this is a stage where alot of people get stuck because they just want to know "why" and run here and there looking for answers and never get to the business of doing it.(lots of talk in this stage).Preparation is the time when people start lining up resources to change-like getting this program-and begin to experiment with different techniques or styles. Action is when people are beginning to practice a new way of doing or being regularly. Finally maintainence is actively maintaining the new way.
To break out of contemplation into preparation and action, we must ask ourselves "is the pain of not changing more than the rewards that come with changing or taking a chance on change".
There is something in you that knows life can be better.
Sincerely,
Mitzy

[Guest]

Well, I am here to tell you that I realized a couple of days into this assignment that I basically need to write down everything, because just about all of what i was saying to myself all day was negative. Then, I had to calm down, and do the "just float with it" thing... and wait until I felt calmer - able to catch snatches here and there, to write down. It was too overwhelming to to try to sort the whole mess out all day.

I've found three main threads for me: 1. whenever I talk to my father on the phone, I end up feeling like a bad, helpless person and depressed (I never will please him or be considered competent, and I am 51 years old) 2. Black/white thinking: I feel nervous to go some place or meet someone because it feels so unfamiliar, not because I have any real reason to believe the people or place is going to be bad 3. Catastrophizing: gee, I am my father's daughter, and my thinking can become just like his in a millisecond -agh!
Good luck everyone because this process is hard.
So, I am just nibbling away at this on because it is so big an assignment.

[Guest]

what was said here scares me, because I think it's true of me. This is a horrible painful place to stay stuck, and I feel unable to choose my way out of it, my negative thoughts are so rapid and real, that I'm convinced that my life is over.the motivator although not enough to get me past the why stage into actively changing stage is my two boys 11 and 8. they are with their dad for the summer and I've almost convinced myself they are better off with him, absolving me of any responsibility. I am the epitomy of everything a society hates, contributes nothing, yet I hold on, am I a coward for holding on, why don't I have what it takes to want to put forth effort to be happy. this depressive stuff is so self centered and yet I'm enslaved to it. I want to do better yet do I really? I always wanted it to be over and it is my life. why can't I choose to live?

Contemplation where people feel the need and are gathering information-this is a stage where alot of people get stuck because they just want to know "why" and run here and there looking for answers and never get to the business of doing is the time when people start lining up resources to change-like getting this program-and begin to experiment with different techniques or styles. Action is when people are beginning to practice a new way of doing or being regularly. Finally maintainence is actively maintaining the new way.
To break out of contemplation into preparation and action, we must ask ourselves "is the pain of not changing more than the rewards that come with changing or taking a chance on change".
There is something in you that knows life can be better.
Sincerely,
Mitzy