aha -- there are layers

traveller · Post by **traveller** » Wed Dec 31, 2008 3:10 am

I had an aha this morning I thought I'd share...

I was beating myself as I woke up this morning for frittering the past 2 days away on useless stuff rather than doing the simple and important thing I need to do, which is to organize a meeting for work. Not a difficult thing, won't take much time to do, yet I'm avoiding doing it.

So I tried to turn the thoughts around and focus on what I have done over these days rather than what I haven't done, but it feels false because the negative thoughts are true to a large extent -- the truth may not be as extreme as I'm telling myself it is, but what is true is that I haven't organized this meeting, that I have been avoiding it, that the people I work with are going to be ticked off with me for not doing it earlier, etc.

I struggled for a bit with this and then realized that the negative thoughts I need to be paying attention to aren't about whether or not I've organized this meeting but about organizing the meeting itself. I'm not avoiding organizing this meeting, I'm avoiding the pummelling I'll give myself if I start to organize. The barrage of scathing and belittling thoughts that will rain down on me were I to actually start doing it.

I've only just started this program, so have just got into session 3, but I think that I read somewhere that we'll look at what my anxiety gives me. Whatever the benefit, it seems to be something that is really important to at least a part of me, because there's a part of me that is protecting it pretty fiercely by burying it under layers of superficial stuff.

Do we all play these head games with ourselves?

I'm going to go now and try to refocus, restructure, etc rather than duck down, cover my head and curl up to protect my vital organs...

traveller · Post by **traveller** » Wed Dec 31, 2008 8:38 am

There -- it's done. Meeting organized, and the barrage of negativity wasn't nearly as scathing as I had been anticipating. I feel so very much better, and I got several other things done as well with the clog gone.

Thanks for listening!

Pat T. · Post by **Pat T.** » Wed Dec 31, 2008 9:19 am

Way to go! I SO understand this procrastination thing; my depression and anxiety have really caused some major problems both personally and professionally for me as well. I haven't even recorded my expenditures in my checkbook in three months and know I need to get myself better together. I'll try to use you as my example and see if I can at least get started on this today. Have a happy new year!