NinjaFrodo's Tic Mark Journal
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Guest
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Guest
Day 42 (Obessiveness & Growth)
I had phoned my grandpa yestaurday and it was a very difficult conversation to have. All he could talk about was death and how people around him were dying...I wasn't going to mention it in the journal but I cannot shake these obsessive thoughts that come from the conversation. Everytime i talk to him over the phone it is the same thing and it's really hard for me to handle because I naturally put myself in another person's shoes and it's scary to see myself where he is. He did say one good thing about death though....He had a stroke last year or the year before and he said when he had it...it was as if his mind moved on and his body stayed and at one point he was with his guardian angel who was actually his unborn sister and they were floating in the air and there was alot of gold and a patch of green. He said the gold represented love and the patch of green is where he was going to be. It was tough hearing this as well because that word love was destroyed for me when i was yonger and it was actually him who destroyed it.
Along with the obsessive thoughts about death, I was thinking about the people suffering from diseases. My great aunt still has shingles and just found out she has more health issues, my other great aunt seems to be less and less cognitive and I think of this and it makes me feel hopeless & depressed and I feel like I need to fix this and I know the shiatsu would help, but I still have high expectations about myself during treatments & I beat myself up when I don't achieve them and I get depressed and that doesn't help at all.
I tried to use the lactaid to help with dairy digestion and I had 2 pills before both meals but I stilll got gasy & bloated. Maybe 3 or 4 before meals.
I went to the first christmas dinner which was with my 2nd cousin and both great aunts and realized that I can socialize easier. I felt more calm and I could joke easier. This was awesome to see how I've grown.
I also had work today for half the day and it was fine. I was more calm and had less what-if thoughts. I actually had a phone call where I wasn't sure what I needed to say or do and I was still calm about it and didn't get anxiety like I historically do in a situation like that. I also didn't beat myself up so much which was another great achievement.
Accomps;58 (4 tics, 45 social attempts)
Mike
I had phoned my grandpa yestaurday and it was a very difficult conversation to have. All he could talk about was death and how people around him were dying...I wasn't going to mention it in the journal but I cannot shake these obsessive thoughts that come from the conversation. Everytime i talk to him over the phone it is the same thing and it's really hard for me to handle because I naturally put myself in another person's shoes and it's scary to see myself where he is. He did say one good thing about death though....He had a stroke last year or the year before and he said when he had it...it was as if his mind moved on and his body stayed and at one point he was with his guardian angel who was actually his unborn sister and they were floating in the air and there was alot of gold and a patch of green. He said the gold represented love and the patch of green is where he was going to be. It was tough hearing this as well because that word love was destroyed for me when i was yonger and it was actually him who destroyed it.
Along with the obsessive thoughts about death, I was thinking about the people suffering from diseases. My great aunt still has shingles and just found out she has more health issues, my other great aunt seems to be less and less cognitive and I think of this and it makes me feel hopeless & depressed and I feel like I need to fix this and I know the shiatsu would help, but I still have high expectations about myself during treatments & I beat myself up when I don't achieve them and I get depressed and that doesn't help at all.
I tried to use the lactaid to help with dairy digestion and I had 2 pills before both meals but I stilll got gasy & bloated. Maybe 3 or 4 before meals.
I went to the first christmas dinner which was with my 2nd cousin and both great aunts and realized that I can socialize easier. I felt more calm and I could joke easier. This was awesome to see how I've grown.
I also had work today for half the day and it was fine. I was more calm and had less what-if thoughts. I actually had a phone call where I wasn't sure what I needed to say or do and I was still calm about it and didn't get anxiety like I historically do in a situation like that. I also didn't beat myself up so much which was another great achievement.
Accomps;58 (4 tics, 45 social attempts)
Mike
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Guest
Day 43 (Christmas)
It's christmas today and I was so excited. Mores so for the presents thought. I felt a little guilty because I accidentally bought a boxset of a season of law and order whiche the person already had. I know they can easily exchange this but I feel guilty for it and i beat myself up for it. Honestly what was going in my head is that they would get really upset because they didn't get something new and it would make them really depressed because they'd be expecting something...It actually didn't turn out like that at all. This was more like my reaction then that other person's.
I had originally asked my friend's here what they wanted for christmas online a little while ago and they asked me the same thing and I ended up getting things from that list plus something off the list but nothing I got was from the list from me and I guess I expected list gifts but that obviously isn't reality. I actually feel bad about myself for thinking this way and it would be more realistic to focus on the energy & heart put into each and every gift. I believe that old way of thinking came from being spoiled when I was younger and so I've done this cycle for awhile. Another factor could be that I haven't really had much income to buy what i wanted and figured christmas was the only way i could get what i wanted. I did however like alot of the gifts I got and I got some presents that I particularly don't like at all and I had a hard time seeming excited about those but again, I can always feel excited about giving them to less fortunate people because, I do feel good about that.
My friend every year buys presents and says they're from me and when we're at his parent's place and people thank me for what I got them, I just feel bad because I didn't get them that stuff. I felt a little guilty actually. This year i actually made some food for them and so i didn't feel as guilty but still guilty because i was lying in a way.
I was having more fun at the christmas get together this year. Last year I was mostly terrified & had alot of anxiety and was more withdrawn and felt bad about myself but, this year I was talking to everybody, making people laugh and feeling good about myself.
I got some kind of food reaction which was the same as last year where I had a hard time breathing and the only thing that helped was an inhailer. I thought it had to do with dairy but not so sure now. What is it in the food? Am I allergic to something in the dessert like poppy seeds? That's when it got bad. Who knows.
I actually didn't concern myself with accomplishments today so not going to count them.
Mike
It's christmas today and I was so excited. Mores so for the presents thought. I felt a little guilty because I accidentally bought a boxset of a season of law and order whiche the person already had. I know they can easily exchange this but I feel guilty for it and i beat myself up for it. Honestly what was going in my head is that they would get really upset because they didn't get something new and it would make them really depressed because they'd be expecting something...It actually didn't turn out like that at all. This was more like my reaction then that other person's.
I had originally asked my friend's here what they wanted for christmas online a little while ago and they asked me the same thing and I ended up getting things from that list plus something off the list but nothing I got was from the list from me and I guess I expected list gifts but that obviously isn't reality. I actually feel bad about myself for thinking this way and it would be more realistic to focus on the energy & heart put into each and every gift. I believe that old way of thinking came from being spoiled when I was younger and so I've done this cycle for awhile. Another factor could be that I haven't really had much income to buy what i wanted and figured christmas was the only way i could get what i wanted. I did however like alot of the gifts I got and I got some presents that I particularly don't like at all and I had a hard time seeming excited about those but again, I can always feel excited about giving them to less fortunate people because, I do feel good about that.
My friend every year buys presents and says they're from me and when we're at his parent's place and people thank me for what I got them, I just feel bad because I didn't get them that stuff. I felt a little guilty actually. This year i actually made some food for them and so i didn't feel as guilty but still guilty because i was lying in a way.
I was having more fun at the christmas get together this year. Last year I was mostly terrified & had alot of anxiety and was more withdrawn and felt bad about myself but, this year I was talking to everybody, making people laugh and feeling good about myself.
I got some kind of food reaction which was the same as last year where I had a hard time breathing and the only thing that helped was an inhailer. I thought it had to do with dairy but not so sure now. What is it in the food? Am I allergic to something in the dessert like poppy seeds? That's when it got bad. Who knows.
I actually didn't concern myself with accomplishments today so not going to count them.
Mike
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Guest
Day 44&45 (exhaustion & Finished)
Boxing day I got some time to be by myself at my friend's place. I took the time to actually have a bubble bath and play games and rest. I napped for 3 hours but I didn't feel excited and energized this time around. I think that's because i'm starting to get sick again. I keep sneezing and coughing and it really bites.
Ok boxing day over and I got to bed pretty early but i'm so exhausted. My diet is just aweful and has been for the last week and i'm actually having a difficult time having a bowel movement. I haven't actually had one in at least 4 days and I'm pretty sure that's weighing me down. I was exhausted from the moment i woke up till the moment i went to sleep after working. I just felt so yukky and I barely even wanted to eat which doesn't suprise me. I think i need to clean my system out.
Accomps;10 (0tics 0 social attempts)
And this concludes section 1 of the tic marking journals. I feel that I have spent lots of time with accomplishments and tic marks and feel wonderful about the journal and what it gave me. Things have now changed and what seems to be important for me now is sleeping and so i'm going to alter things a little bit. I'm still going to journal but i'm going to make a new thread and it'll be my sleep journal so stay tuned
Mike
Boxing day I got some time to be by myself at my friend's place. I took the time to actually have a bubble bath and play games and rest. I napped for 3 hours but I didn't feel excited and energized this time around. I think that's because i'm starting to get sick again. I keep sneezing and coughing and it really bites.
Ok boxing day over and I got to bed pretty early but i'm so exhausted. My diet is just aweful and has been for the last week and i'm actually having a difficult time having a bowel movement. I haven't actually had one in at least 4 days and I'm pretty sure that's weighing me down. I was exhausted from the moment i woke up till the moment i went to sleep after working. I just felt so yukky and I barely even wanted to eat which doesn't suprise me. I think i need to clean my system out.
Accomps;10 (0tics 0 social attempts)
And this concludes section 1 of the tic marking journals. I feel that I have spent lots of time with accomplishments and tic marks and feel wonderful about the journal and what it gave me. Things have now changed and what seems to be important for me now is sleeping and so i'm going to alter things a little bit. I'm still going to journal but i'm going to make a new thread and it'll be my sleep journal so stay tuned
Mike
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Guest
Conclusion
I've gotten alot out of this experience however as the happenings of the last week especially christmas I have felt that what i need to do is spend more time getting to sleep earlier and focusing on my digestion as well. I'm still going to keep track of my accomplishments but not so much about the tics right now. This is just something i feel i need to do in my heart. I believe this tic marking journal has allowed me to go onto the next level as if it unlocked the door or something. I am now the most open and dedicated to getting myself to bed on time then i have been in the last 14 years. This is very huge for me because I have had alot of struggles with getting to sleep in fact it has been my biggest resistance and limitation. One of the main thoughts I had was that I didn't get enough done that day and I needed to stay up longer in order to make the day worth while. Looking at my accomplishments, I can see that i'm doing this now and I'm working towards alot of great goals so i can allow myself the time I need. I can accept this and feel comfortable with sleeping instead of trying to force myself to get to bed and not really being able to do so.
Before i started this experiment, I was extremely negative and it was actually very difficult for me to overcome a negative thought. I was beating myself up without really realizing it, I was saying things were impossible or that I couldn't do it, I judged the words that came out of my mouth, I avoided alot of risks especially financial ones and social ones and things just seemed really hopeless and I really didn't like who i was because of the negative or less than perfect parts of myself.
I've been able to turn these things around for the most part...I can automatically change many of the negative thoughts in my head that I had a hard time changing even on paper, I still beat myself up but I tend to laugh more at my mistakes and enjoy them with the people involved, I overcame my impossible thinking and did what i needed to do and had more faith in things working out, I still judge my words but not as much, I took a job in which i'd be facing my social limitations and I actually took the risk of quitting my restaurant job and staying at this job and I feel like i'm making improvements on my life everyday and that there is lots of light at the tunnel. I was also more accepting of my whole self negative and positive and even began learning how to love myself.
Another thing is I would devalue or even filter out all the accomplishments I've made...meaning i could spend hours and hours on something and still say i didn't do good enough and that I didn't really make use of my time. In fact I had a really hard time accepting that i was making accomplishments and thought that I was really doing nothing and it made me feel unworthy of people's kindness and generousity. I felt rather guilty actually but after keeping track of the accomplishments I had done on a daily basis and then tallying them for the whole month I realized that I do get things done and I am working towards my goals. It was especially impressive and gave me lots of good energy to realize that I made 1433 accomplishments in November. How many people out there are making lots of accomplishments and were filtering them out the way I was? Oh and getting things done actually made me even more motivated to get more things done. That sense of accomplishment can make one feel really awesome...even if the thing is really small...attempting to do something is an accomplishment and I realized that i should definately give myself credit for this. I believe everybody should give themselves credit for attempting, it just helps motivate us to keep trying.
Anxiety wise I started that new job at a level 8-9 where it was really obvious that i was a nervous wreck but i actually brought it down to a 3-5 and it is actually more comfortable for me to approach people socially outside of work. I even started to feel somewhat comfortable with cold calling as opposed to before where I had a hard time even talking on the phone to friends. I've worked through my fear of talking to men well I still get anxiety every once in awhile about it but I'd say about a level 2 or 3. I had felt like i had to agree or appologize when things didn't go the way the person i was talking to wanted but I became calm just saying nothing and not appologizing.
There are a few other things but I think those are the main ones. My biggest issue that I feel I need to confront now is my tiredness and exhaustion. Sleep and Diet are my main factors so now i'll be started a new journal thread so stay tuned.
Mike
I've gotten alot out of this experience however as the happenings of the last week especially christmas I have felt that what i need to do is spend more time getting to sleep earlier and focusing on my digestion as well. I'm still going to keep track of my accomplishments but not so much about the tics right now. This is just something i feel i need to do in my heart. I believe this tic marking journal has allowed me to go onto the next level as if it unlocked the door or something. I am now the most open and dedicated to getting myself to bed on time then i have been in the last 14 years. This is very huge for me because I have had alot of struggles with getting to sleep in fact it has been my biggest resistance and limitation. One of the main thoughts I had was that I didn't get enough done that day and I needed to stay up longer in order to make the day worth while. Looking at my accomplishments, I can see that i'm doing this now and I'm working towards alot of great goals so i can allow myself the time I need. I can accept this and feel comfortable with sleeping instead of trying to force myself to get to bed and not really being able to do so.
Before i started this experiment, I was extremely negative and it was actually very difficult for me to overcome a negative thought. I was beating myself up without really realizing it, I was saying things were impossible or that I couldn't do it, I judged the words that came out of my mouth, I avoided alot of risks especially financial ones and social ones and things just seemed really hopeless and I really didn't like who i was because of the negative or less than perfect parts of myself.
I've been able to turn these things around for the most part...I can automatically change many of the negative thoughts in my head that I had a hard time changing even on paper, I still beat myself up but I tend to laugh more at my mistakes and enjoy them with the people involved, I overcame my impossible thinking and did what i needed to do and had more faith in things working out, I still judge my words but not as much, I took a job in which i'd be facing my social limitations and I actually took the risk of quitting my restaurant job and staying at this job and I feel like i'm making improvements on my life everyday and that there is lots of light at the tunnel. I was also more accepting of my whole self negative and positive and even began learning how to love myself.
Another thing is I would devalue or even filter out all the accomplishments I've made...meaning i could spend hours and hours on something and still say i didn't do good enough and that I didn't really make use of my time. In fact I had a really hard time accepting that i was making accomplishments and thought that I was really doing nothing and it made me feel unworthy of people's kindness and generousity. I felt rather guilty actually but after keeping track of the accomplishments I had done on a daily basis and then tallying them for the whole month I realized that I do get things done and I am working towards my goals. It was especially impressive and gave me lots of good energy to realize that I made 1433 accomplishments in November. How many people out there are making lots of accomplishments and were filtering them out the way I was? Oh and getting things done actually made me even more motivated to get more things done. That sense of accomplishment can make one feel really awesome...even if the thing is really small...attempting to do something is an accomplishment and I realized that i should definately give myself credit for this. I believe everybody should give themselves credit for attempting, it just helps motivate us to keep trying.
Anxiety wise I started that new job at a level 8-9 where it was really obvious that i was a nervous wreck but i actually brought it down to a 3-5 and it is actually more comfortable for me to approach people socially outside of work. I even started to feel somewhat comfortable with cold calling as opposed to before where I had a hard time even talking on the phone to friends. I've worked through my fear of talking to men well I still get anxiety every once in awhile about it but I'd say about a level 2 or 3. I had felt like i had to agree or appologize when things didn't go the way the person i was talking to wanted but I became calm just saying nothing and not appologizing.
There are a few other things but I think those are the main ones. My biggest issue that I feel I need to confront now is my tiredness and exhaustion. Sleep and Diet are my main factors so now i'll be started a new journal thread so stay tuned.
Mike
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Guest