Thank you MC Grace.
I'm alright with showing my insecurities and don't feel ashamed about my accomplishments no matter how little they may seem to others.
Ya rest is important...I need more of it. It is almost as if i'm trying to keep myself sick as a means to not to go work...but i'm not going to let that job control me.
MIke
NinjaFrodo's Tic Mark Journal
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Guest
Day 26 (The dream)
So I had a really awesome dream last night. I dreamt of someone whom I've found attractive and the guy showed that he loved me and said he would love me and even do those little cute smushy things. It made me feel really awesome and set a good start for the day. I focused on the feelings i had in my dream through my day and I felt much more secure and calm...I'm not used to feeling love weather it is real or imagined. Love is still a really new concept for me. I'm not sure if i mentioned this in a previous journal entry but the word love has been extremely painful for me. It was used when I was abused and so It had a negative meaning for me and I've been working really hard on changing this around and so I'm starting to feel the actual meaning for it and it feels great!
I've thought a bit more on this whole passion thing and I'm actually in search of passion...things that make me passionate and others as well. I believe the biggest reason why I like So You Think You Can Dance Canada is because all the dancers are extremely passionate and the judges are passionate about their feedback. So far the only thing I've found that makes me passionate is lying down and listening to music as well as singing. I also believe the more you work on something the more passionate you can become as well.
Still sick so I didn't actually bother doing tic marks today however, I don't feel so affected by negative thoughts. Thats pretty cool but i'm going to get back to tic marks tomorrow.
Accomplishments;17 (0tics, 0 attempts to be social)
Mike
So I had a really awesome dream last night. I dreamt of someone whom I've found attractive and the guy showed that he loved me and said he would love me and even do those little cute smushy things. It made me feel really awesome and set a good start for the day. I focused on the feelings i had in my dream through my day and I felt much more secure and calm...I'm not used to feeling love weather it is real or imagined. Love is still a really new concept for me. I'm not sure if i mentioned this in a previous journal entry but the word love has been extremely painful for me. It was used when I was abused and so It had a negative meaning for me and I've been working really hard on changing this around and so I'm starting to feel the actual meaning for it and it feels great!
I've thought a bit more on this whole passion thing and I'm actually in search of passion...things that make me passionate and others as well. I believe the biggest reason why I like So You Think You Can Dance Canada is because all the dancers are extremely passionate and the judges are passionate about their feedback. So far the only thing I've found that makes me passionate is lying down and listening to music as well as singing. I also believe the more you work on something the more passionate you can become as well.
Still sick so I didn't actually bother doing tic marks today however, I don't feel so affected by negative thoughts. Thats pretty cool but i'm going to get back to tic marks tomorrow.
Accomplishments;17 (0tics, 0 attempts to be social)
Mike
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Guest
Day 27 (Love)
Called in sick today...to both jobs. I was really concerned about my throat. There were some symptoms that i've never seen before and are very uncommon with getting sick and I got pretty concerned. I had myself thinking that I was developing cancer because there were lumps in the back of my throat and swelling in my lymph node/salivary gland. I had decided that ok I have cancer and it scared me at first but then i was like ok...I might be a little terrified but I could get over this...Well I went to a walk-in clinic and turns out...it was just a calicum buildup. Or at least this is what the doctor said when he checked. Not sure how i can have calcium buildup when i barely intake dairy so my calcium intake is prolly not too high.
I got back into tic marking but it honestly doesn't feel as rewarding as it did before i started this new job. It feels like this will be that way until I quit the job...My feeling is that keeping myself in a job that I hate is disregarding myself and my needs and I'm not going to feel good about myself until I do what is good for me. I'm actually feeling guilty for treating myself this way.
I really enjoy doing the morning om meditation from wayne dyer and I've typically been focusing on peace or security or more money but it just keeps changing all the time...I've decided that i'm going to keep it consistent and my new focus is going to be...Love. Something that I've lacked within myself for a very long time and I'm just really happy that I have the opportunity to create this now in my life and I can do it everyday and more than once if i want...I also remind myself of it everytime I listen to certain songs that i've burnt onto a new cd. I've also noticed that when I love myself...others love me too...or at least I feel it more and give it more!
Accomplishments;24 (10 tics, 0 social attempts)
Mike
Called in sick today...to both jobs. I was really concerned about my throat. There were some symptoms that i've never seen before and are very uncommon with getting sick and I got pretty concerned. I had myself thinking that I was developing cancer because there were lumps in the back of my throat and swelling in my lymph node/salivary gland. I had decided that ok I have cancer and it scared me at first but then i was like ok...I might be a little terrified but I could get over this...Well I went to a walk-in clinic and turns out...it was just a calicum buildup. Or at least this is what the doctor said when he checked. Not sure how i can have calcium buildup when i barely intake dairy so my calcium intake is prolly not too high.
I got back into tic marking but it honestly doesn't feel as rewarding as it did before i started this new job. It feels like this will be that way until I quit the job...My feeling is that keeping myself in a job that I hate is disregarding myself and my needs and I'm not going to feel good about myself until I do what is good for me. I'm actually feeling guilty for treating myself this way.
I really enjoy doing the morning om meditation from wayne dyer and I've typically been focusing on peace or security or more money but it just keeps changing all the time...I've decided that i'm going to keep it consistent and my new focus is going to be...Love. Something that I've lacked within myself for a very long time and I'm just really happy that I have the opportunity to create this now in my life and I can do it everyday and more than once if i want...I also remind myself of it everytime I listen to certain songs that i've burnt onto a new cd. I've also noticed that when I love myself...others love me too...or at least I feel it more and give it more!
Accomplishments;24 (10 tics, 0 social attempts)
Mike
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Guest
feel better my friend (throat, etc) . . . .
i don't know much about biology. actually i know very little about biology--but i've heard fairly often of these "calcifications". i don't know how much it has to do w/diet (any MDs out there?)--maybe you should post this as a separate topic and see what comes up), but calcium comes from a lot of other sources besides milk--although we hear alot about the milk thing. . . .
i am glad about your new focus on love
. (i have been finding a bit of a breakthrough on this, too, but i'll save that for my journal. . .). i think it can be incredibly difficult to love and accept love and i am just really happy that you are finding it less of a challenge and more of a focus lately--and as you said
i don't know much about biology. actually i know very little about biology--but i've heard fairly often of these "calcifications". i don't know how much it has to do w/diet (any MDs out there?)--maybe you should post this as a separate topic and see what comes up), but calcium comes from a lot of other sources besides milk--although we hear alot about the milk thing. . . .
i am glad about your new focus on love
. (i have been finding a bit of a breakthrough on this, too, but i'll save that for my journal. . .). i think it can be incredibly difficult to love and accept love and i am just really happy that you are finding it less of a challenge and more of a focus lately--and as you said!I've also noticed that when I love myself...others love me too...or at least I feel it more
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Guest
I could possibly do this yes...my plan of action i'm using is lemonade...in chinese medicine the sour flavor is great for breaking down tissues, lumps and nodules...calcium deposits are kinda like nodules...lets see how it goes.
It has been impossible for me to accept love actually. This new focus has been one of my biggest accomplishments because i was actually molested when i was yonger and the person said they loved me while doing it...this was the only time it was said to me so I had created a very very negative connotation to this word and so I completely agree with your statement about it being difficult.
Mike
It has been impossible for me to accept love actually. This new focus has been one of my biggest accomplishments because i was actually molested when i was yonger and the person said they loved me while doing it...this was the only time it was said to me so I had created a very very negative connotation to this word and so I completely agree with your statement about it being difficult.
Mike
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Guest
Day 28 (The last day?)
Went to work today after taking 3 days off and I was in the mindset that today was going to be my last day at this job...this was great motivation for me and i wasn't so much worried about screwing up or people getting angry at me or anything like that...the result was I was alot more effective...I had a much better time socializing with the people I was phoning...I phoned 126 people where on a normal day I was calling about 60 people and I was giving my all and being passionate. It was awesome....I really owe it to the resting period I had. So I actually ended up not quitting the job and decided I'd go up until the end of the week because this is the week I have to prove myself.
I've continued to use the focus of love while doing the Wayne Dyer morning meditation and things are actually changing alot...I've come to realize that I like the little quwarky things I say and the tones i say them in when i'm talking on the phone...It makes me sound like one of those cute little cartoon characters and I believe more people appreciated that today too...or maybe it was just in my head.
What does tomorrow bring?
Accomplishments;152 (20tics, 126 attempts to be social)
Mike
Went to work today after taking 3 days off and I was in the mindset that today was going to be my last day at this job...this was great motivation for me and i wasn't so much worried about screwing up or people getting angry at me or anything like that...the result was I was alot more effective...I had a much better time socializing with the people I was phoning...I phoned 126 people where on a normal day I was calling about 60 people and I was giving my all and being passionate. It was awesome....I really owe it to the resting period I had. So I actually ended up not quitting the job and decided I'd go up until the end of the week because this is the week I have to prove myself.
I've continued to use the focus of love while doing the Wayne Dyer morning meditation and things are actually changing alot...I've come to realize that I like the little quwarky things I say and the tones i say them in when i'm talking on the phone...It makes me sound like one of those cute little cartoon characters and I believe more people appreciated that today too...or maybe it was just in my head.
What does tomorrow bring?
Accomplishments;152 (20tics, 126 attempts to be social)
Mike
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Guest
maybe you should do a love journal next. . . . i'm not asking you to post it or anything (although i'd probably read it). but since this has been such a powerful thing for you lately, and writing helps keep us accountable and helps show progress--maybe keep some account of your new exploration of/experience with love . . ?
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pipermarie66
- Posts: 15
- Joined: Tue Sep 16, 2008 1:16 am
Day 29 (How far I've come)
I got to sleep sometime later than i expected...i think 12 or something and woke up at 6:30 and I was just a zombie for the whole day...I didn't want to work at all and it showed...I didn't call as many people and didn't have so much faith in getting recrutes for the focus groups...I did get 2 so it was alright. I was planning to quit again today but...The last person I talked to had qualified and was a really awesome person. I figured...what the heck i'll stay for longer...If i can get more people like this then it'll be alright.
I went to my friend's place to talk about some of the issues I'm going through and it really helped me out alot...he gave me some really good feedback about how the people who i'm talking to are going to react the way they react and that I cannot control this. He also helped me to see that feeling guilty for letting these people down is irrational as I am not the person who wrote these screeners or the qualifications and it really does make sense. The worse thing that could happen is that these people get angry at me and say things to attempt to make myself feel bad but honestly...these people don't know anything about me or my life so making judgements about it based on nothing is not something I need to really spend alot of time on.
I was roomates with a mutual friend who lives with this friend and I got to see him after about 4 months of not seeing him and it was intresting because he seems alot diffrent...more peaceful and plesant and I got to realize how compassionate and caring I've become over these 4 months. I feel alot more connected to him and found what he had to say alot more enjoyable...it also wasn't overly diffrent from what he talked about before hand, I guess i could focus on it more than my own insecurities and anxieties. This has really shown me how far i've come and I got really excited.
Accomplishments;87 (5 Tics, 75 attempts to overcome social anxiety)
Mike
I got to sleep sometime later than i expected...i think 12 or something and woke up at 6:30 and I was just a zombie for the whole day...I didn't want to work at all and it showed...I didn't call as many people and didn't have so much faith in getting recrutes for the focus groups...I did get 2 so it was alright. I was planning to quit again today but...The last person I talked to had qualified and was a really awesome person. I figured...what the heck i'll stay for longer...If i can get more people like this then it'll be alright.
I went to my friend's place to talk about some of the issues I'm going through and it really helped me out alot...he gave me some really good feedback about how the people who i'm talking to are going to react the way they react and that I cannot control this. He also helped me to see that feeling guilty for letting these people down is irrational as I am not the person who wrote these screeners or the qualifications and it really does make sense. The worse thing that could happen is that these people get angry at me and say things to attempt to make myself feel bad but honestly...these people don't know anything about me or my life so making judgements about it based on nothing is not something I need to really spend alot of time on.
I was roomates with a mutual friend who lives with this friend and I got to see him after about 4 months of not seeing him and it was intresting because he seems alot diffrent...more peaceful and plesant and I got to realize how compassionate and caring I've become over these 4 months. I feel alot more connected to him and found what he had to say alot more enjoyable...it also wasn't overly diffrent from what he talked about before hand, I guess i could focus on it more than my own insecurities and anxieties. This has really shown me how far i've come and I got really excited.
Accomplishments;87 (5 Tics, 75 attempts to overcome social anxiety)
Mike
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