Day 21 (The present=the future? I don't think so)
Another day at the office and i'm feeling a bit better about the job and how I'm doing it. I'm able to overcome my negative thoughts a little bit easier. I'm able to stop some of the negative labels. I'm still having some troubles with them though but that's alright, it's still new. I even noticed that I laugh when i'm uncomfortable and I think this is something that i'm especially negative about.
At work one of my co-workers mentioned about this one person's job title being an assistant cake decorator and it actually really effected me. I put myself in their shoes like I would normally do and I could not imagine my life being about something so unimportant. There is virtually no meaning in a job title like this for myself. I want a life of meaning, something that is going to help others out.
I was looking at one of the data cards at work and it said this one guy was 34 & shy. Holy crap, if I were to continue the negative cycles then I would be that guy. This would stop me from reaching the goals that I want and I refuse to be struggling at 34 the same way I am now.
You know I used to be so afraid of even talking on the phone especially when it came to ordering food or other people doing their job. Saying no was the hardest and I felt so bad...no matter what it was. If they wanted something from me and I couldn't fulfill it I would feel like i let them down and it just made me feel horrible. This job has actually let me see what it is like from the other side of the phone. I don't get offended if people say no to me or if they cannot help me out.
I started to focus on buddha watching over me and picturing the symbol of buddha filling my ki body and it really started to calm me down, make me feel more empowered after I felt afraid and worried.
Accomplishments;134 (56 Tics & faced 65 social limitations)
Mike
NinjaFrodo's Tic Mark Journal
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Guest
Day 22 (The deeper negatives)
I find constantly focusing on how wrong something is when I say it either from whatever it is that i'm reading (in this case the questions that i ask people on the phone) or what comes out of my mouth. Actually I focus on how other people do it as well. It is almost as if i make fun of myself for doing this and other people. It makes me feel bad everytime I do it and I just finally realized it now. It may also relate to how I also feel that I really want to put expression or passion into something but don't feel that I can and then beat myself up for not being able to. I want people to know who i am and how I feel. Instead I cover up and create this fake person who is the person who i'm really beating up. I don't like the fake person that i've become but I would definately like the core person that I am.
So as I've been journaling it is like i'm unraveling an onion. Each layer is a diffrent set of issues and insights. These Are extremely
Deep issues for me. Being afraid of letting people down, thinking things are impossible and extremely afraid of lying.
Being afraid of letting people down. I believe this comes from rarely being able to get encouragement and support while i was growing up and when i made accomplishments. I also feel that it is tied into the fear of hurting others regardless if i try or not. When I do let people down I feel like i'm letting myself down and I start to feel guilty. I am constantly letting people down with this job as there are many many people who don't qualify for the groups we have at work. It's actually intresting because I'm the one who is more let down then they are. Funny thing is though, it isn't like they have lost something...they just don't qualify to get more of something that they might not even need. Their lives aren't ruined!
I noticed that I keep thinking things are impossible. Now I've been struggling with anxiety and depression for about the last 14 years. Before that I could do anything and it was really rare for that thought to come into my head but after I moved and I actually felt guilty for hurting another person it was like everything went down hill from there and the guilt was soooo heavy and I never really felt that I could overcome this. I was also constantly told that I can't do this or can't do that...I believe it has been deeply ingrained in my head however I will not let this stop me from working towards my goals. The biggest action i'm taking against this is using the wayne dyer morning meditation and focusing on faith in myself and my spiritual symbol. How can you not believe in yourself if you focus on this both with words and feelings everyday for at least 20 minutes a day?
Extremely afraid of lying. Holy crap is this ever strong for me. I was brought up to not tell lies and it stuck sooooo much that I actually feel really uncomfortable when i do it. I get anxiety from it and I also get anxiety about saying something that I feel is true and really isn't later on. I believe my perfectionistic way of thinking is affecting this negativity as well just making it stronger. This has become a problem because when i see the world I accept what most people say as truth and we know there are many people in the world that lie and cheat for their own profit.
As I'm still doing the tic marking, I noticed something really intresting today. I'm actually allowing myself to make some mistakes and be ok with it. I am not judging myself as much and it feels like a small weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I haven't completely stopped judging myself but I'm making some good progress.
Near the end of the day I had a really difficult time with a lady who suffers from depression. I read the info on the lady on the sheet of paper and It looked like her age was 18 and it said lower on the page that she suffers from depression. I was actually looking for someone around 18 years old so I called her. I realized she was to old but I asked her questions neways (we have to because it is part of our job so they don't figure out how to scam it). I only asked her a few questions and shortly after I let her know she hadn't qualified for the group. The response is what was the hard part. She didn't say why didn't I qualify, she said, why aren't I good enough. I had asked myself this questions for so many years and just hearing her say that was really sad for me. I felt so bad that she was suffering like this and it really hurt me deep down. I then remembered how my grandma was and how "numb" she was. It was very difficult for her to express herself and I know deep down that she was hurting so much but I couldn't help her. I tried but I couldn't. I don't want to become numb either, I don't want a life of suffering like that for myself or anybody else. I want to be happy and help other people be happy as well.
Accomplishments;124 (56Tics & Faced social limitation 55 times)
Mike
I find constantly focusing on how wrong something is when I say it either from whatever it is that i'm reading (in this case the questions that i ask people on the phone) or what comes out of my mouth. Actually I focus on how other people do it as well. It is almost as if i make fun of myself for doing this and other people. It makes me feel bad everytime I do it and I just finally realized it now. It may also relate to how I also feel that I really want to put expression or passion into something but don't feel that I can and then beat myself up for not being able to. I want people to know who i am and how I feel. Instead I cover up and create this fake person who is the person who i'm really beating up. I don't like the fake person that i've become but I would definately like the core person that I am.
So as I've been journaling it is like i'm unraveling an onion. Each layer is a diffrent set of issues and insights. These Are extremely
Deep issues for me. Being afraid of letting people down, thinking things are impossible and extremely afraid of lying.
Being afraid of letting people down. I believe this comes from rarely being able to get encouragement and support while i was growing up and when i made accomplishments. I also feel that it is tied into the fear of hurting others regardless if i try or not. When I do let people down I feel like i'm letting myself down and I start to feel guilty. I am constantly letting people down with this job as there are many many people who don't qualify for the groups we have at work. It's actually intresting because I'm the one who is more let down then they are. Funny thing is though, it isn't like they have lost something...they just don't qualify to get more of something that they might not even need. Their lives aren't ruined!
I noticed that I keep thinking things are impossible. Now I've been struggling with anxiety and depression for about the last 14 years. Before that I could do anything and it was really rare for that thought to come into my head but after I moved and I actually felt guilty for hurting another person it was like everything went down hill from there and the guilt was soooo heavy and I never really felt that I could overcome this. I was also constantly told that I can't do this or can't do that...I believe it has been deeply ingrained in my head however I will not let this stop me from working towards my goals. The biggest action i'm taking against this is using the wayne dyer morning meditation and focusing on faith in myself and my spiritual symbol. How can you not believe in yourself if you focus on this both with words and feelings everyday for at least 20 minutes a day?
Extremely afraid of lying. Holy crap is this ever strong for me. I was brought up to not tell lies and it stuck sooooo much that I actually feel really uncomfortable when i do it. I get anxiety from it and I also get anxiety about saying something that I feel is true and really isn't later on. I believe my perfectionistic way of thinking is affecting this negativity as well just making it stronger. This has become a problem because when i see the world I accept what most people say as truth and we know there are many people in the world that lie and cheat for their own profit.
As I'm still doing the tic marking, I noticed something really intresting today. I'm actually allowing myself to make some mistakes and be ok with it. I am not judging myself as much and it feels like a small weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I haven't completely stopped judging myself but I'm making some good progress.
Near the end of the day I had a really difficult time with a lady who suffers from depression. I read the info on the lady on the sheet of paper and It looked like her age was 18 and it said lower on the page that she suffers from depression. I was actually looking for someone around 18 years old so I called her. I realized she was to old but I asked her questions neways (we have to because it is part of our job so they don't figure out how to scam it). I only asked her a few questions and shortly after I let her know she hadn't qualified for the group. The response is what was the hard part. She didn't say why didn't I qualify, she said, why aren't I good enough. I had asked myself this questions for so many years and just hearing her say that was really sad for me. I felt so bad that she was suffering like this and it really hurt me deep down. I then remembered how my grandma was and how "numb" she was. It was very difficult for her to express herself and I know deep down that she was hurting so much but I couldn't help her. I tried but I couldn't. I don't want to become numb either, I don't want a life of suffering like that for myself or anybody else. I want to be happy and help other people be happy as well.
Accomplishments;124 (56Tics & Faced social limitation 55 times)
Mike
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Guest
Day 23 (1 week mark)
So I've been at the new highly stressful job for a full week now. I must say after looking back from day 1 to today there has been many improvements in myself. I may still get nervous and afraid when calling people but nowhere near where i was when i started. I'd say from a level 1-10 where 10 is like panic attack and 1 is like nothing...I started off at a level 8 or 9 and now i'm down to a 3-4. Huge accomplishment!!! I still can get up to about a 6 but things are definately improving.
Now I'm going to be real honest. This has been an amazingly huge struggle for me at this new job but I am so glad that i'm doing it. I do want to mention though that I was not able to do this on my own completely. I actually started to drinking after work as an attempt to calm me down and it is definately helping me out. I'm actually not one for even craving alcohol ever because it just doesn't appeal to me. I've been around many people who spend lots of time drinking and so I don't have a huge ambition to make it part of my daily schedual but it's helping me out for now. I was a little concerned and asked my instructor from the tao sangha place about this and he said that it can be one of the outlets to release some of the built up stress and not to worry about it so much right now. After all I did take on alot more stress than i'm used to and maybe a little more than i can handle at times. After 1 or 2 drinks i'm ok. Wine, beer, liquor its all good.
Speaking of going to my instructor, we had class today and I've come to realize a few more things. Eye contact is very important but I still have such a resistance towards making eye contact. I know when I was in highschool it was difficult because i did not want to draw attention to myself and they say people who are abused either physically or sexually will also avoid eye contact (probabbly for the same reasons). I believe in certain cases this is because I don't want to draw attention and other cases it is because of guilt even if that guilt is illogical or unreasonable like worrying that you may hurt someone without actually meaning it or that it might happen even if i'm in control of it or not. During class it was more that I felt guilty for thinking that I was better than the person i was avoiding the eye contact with and I felt bad for it.
I don't know wheather it was because I was tired or not but my ego has been coming up really strong today. I was trying to put myself above one person in my class and then I had a difficult time doing a good job in the class because I was more focused on myself instead of what i was doing. I then couldn't do the things the same way as I was being taught and so I beat myself up for both focusing on myself too much and not doing it right.
Accomplishments;157 (74 Tics & 65 attempts to overcome social issues)
Mike
So I've been at the new highly stressful job for a full week now. I must say after looking back from day 1 to today there has been many improvements in myself. I may still get nervous and afraid when calling people but nowhere near where i was when i started. I'd say from a level 1-10 where 10 is like panic attack and 1 is like nothing...I started off at a level 8 or 9 and now i'm down to a 3-4. Huge accomplishment!!! I still can get up to about a 6 but things are definately improving.
Now I'm going to be real honest. This has been an amazingly huge struggle for me at this new job but I am so glad that i'm doing it. I do want to mention though that I was not able to do this on my own completely. I actually started to drinking after work as an attempt to calm me down and it is definately helping me out. I'm actually not one for even craving alcohol ever because it just doesn't appeal to me. I've been around many people who spend lots of time drinking and so I don't have a huge ambition to make it part of my daily schedual but it's helping me out for now. I was a little concerned and asked my instructor from the tao sangha place about this and he said that it can be one of the outlets to release some of the built up stress and not to worry about it so much right now. After all I did take on alot more stress than i'm used to and maybe a little more than i can handle at times. After 1 or 2 drinks i'm ok. Wine, beer, liquor its all good.
Speaking of going to my instructor, we had class today and I've come to realize a few more things. Eye contact is very important but I still have such a resistance towards making eye contact. I know when I was in highschool it was difficult because i did not want to draw attention to myself and they say people who are abused either physically or sexually will also avoid eye contact (probabbly for the same reasons). I believe in certain cases this is because I don't want to draw attention and other cases it is because of guilt even if that guilt is illogical or unreasonable like worrying that you may hurt someone without actually meaning it or that it might happen even if i'm in control of it or not. During class it was more that I felt guilty for thinking that I was better than the person i was avoiding the eye contact with and I felt bad for it.
I don't know wheather it was because I was tired or not but my ego has been coming up really strong today. I was trying to put myself above one person in my class and then I had a difficult time doing a good job in the class because I was more focused on myself instead of what i was doing. I then couldn't do the things the same way as I was being taught and so I beat myself up for both focusing on myself too much and not doing it right.
Accomplishments;157 (74 Tics & 65 attempts to overcome social issues)
Mike
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Guest
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Guest
November Accomplishments
So I've been keeping track of my accomplishments in an attempt to over come guilt over a false reality. The reality is that i'm lazy and I'm not getting any better and how things are hopeless. I have thought this way for so many years so this is to prove to myself that I am working hard and that I do deserve a good life and good things.
<span class="ev_code_BLUE">Work Related</span>
-Stocked fridge 3X
-Garbadges 7X
-Removed dishes 7X
-Cleaned trays 7X
-Stocked dishes 7X
-Stocked takeout 4X
-Vaccumed 4X
-Cleaned glass 3X
-Stock napkins 6X
-Salt & Pepper 1X
-Candles 2X
-Recycling 7X
-Mop 2X
-Ice 4X
-Fed fish 2X
-Newspapers 1X
-Sorted bottles 1X
-Cleaned bathrooms 2X
-Wiped tables 5X
-Swept 7X
-Put up chairs
-Took down chairs
-Got to work early 3X
-Stocked fridge 1X
Total;98
<span class="ev_code_RED">Fun related</span>
-Made Singing Lesson Cd
-Listened to Singing Lessons 1X
-Made new cd
-Listened to fun music 2X
-Watched tv 1X
-Downloaded new songs
-Sang out loud 2X
-Played game 1X
Total;10
<span class="ev_code_GREEN">Shiatsu related</span>
-Got to class on time
-Pillow technique 3X
-Renki 2X
-Treated roomate
-Proposed idea and setup bring a friend day
-Emailed classmates
Total;9
<span class="ev_code_PURPLE">Financial related</span>
-Finished Resume
-Dealt with Osap
-Asked store if still hiring despite them taking down the sign
-Applied for 3 jobs
-Had an interview 1X
-Worked on applications
-Started new job
-Cashed cheques
Total;10
<span class="ev_code_BROWN">Personal related (mentally)</span>
-Wayne Dyer meditation 23X
-Make Goal list
-Fasted for 25 days
-Faced social limitation 166X
-Kekkai 6X
-Slept 9-11 hours 3X
-Relaxation cd 5X
-Accomplishments in jar 7X
-Tic marking everytime I attempt overcoming negative thought 783X
-Wrote out goals
-Affirmation tape
-Got to class on time
-Got to sleep early 4X
-Allowed myself to not fully complete a goal all at once 1X
-Journalled 12X
-Negative thought replacement 17X
-Realized that I'm not always going to feel positive
-Love meditation 8X
-Holosync 10X
-Rhodiola 8X
-Calmed myself down despite problems 2X
-Stopped forcing suggestions onto others 1X
-Added acceptance to tic exercise
-Smile pictures 6X
-Secret garden meditation 2X
-Self confidence meditation 3X
-Went to party 1X
-Got up at 7:30am 1X
-Napped 2hours
-Seasalt water 4X
-Reached out for help 1X
-Made jokes with bank teller
-Faced Trauma 2X
-Lesson 6
-Went to my friends to work on my issues 2X
-Faced ego
Total;1114
<span class="ev_code_GREY">Personal related (physically)</span>
-Hip hop abs 5X
-Fasted for 25 days
-Water 57cups
-Stretched 9X
-Made good food 4X
-Probiotic
-Made lunch for work
-Green smoothies 7cups
-Lemonade 22cups
-Walked 3hours
-Seasalt water 4X
-Olive oil 1X
Total;139
<span class="ev_code_PINK">Other</span>
-Bought groceries 4X
-Dishes at home 5X
-Posted on forums 22X (not journal related)
-Journalled on forums 7X
-Journaled on facebook 7X
-Cooked turkey
-Tidyed up 2X
-Unpacked
-Christmas shopped
-Encouraged friend
-Emailed my friend
-Helped out handicapped guy
Total;53
Grand Total for November;1433 (Probabbly more, I wasn't completely diligent with keeping track but that's ok)
It really makes you wonder how many accomplishments you are really making...especially when you're telling yourself it is impossible or you aren't getting better. How can someone not get better if they are making so many accomplishments? Honestly? I highly recommend this exercise to anybody suffering from anxiety or depression.
Mike
So I've been keeping track of my accomplishments in an attempt to over come guilt over a false reality. The reality is that i'm lazy and I'm not getting any better and how things are hopeless. I have thought this way for so many years so this is to prove to myself that I am working hard and that I do deserve a good life and good things.
<span class="ev_code_BLUE">Work Related</span>
-Stocked fridge 3X
-Garbadges 7X
-Removed dishes 7X
-Cleaned trays 7X
-Stocked dishes 7X
-Stocked takeout 4X
-Vaccumed 4X
-Cleaned glass 3X
-Stock napkins 6X
-Salt & Pepper 1X
-Candles 2X
-Recycling 7X
-Mop 2X
-Ice 4X
-Fed fish 2X
-Newspapers 1X
-Sorted bottles 1X
-Cleaned bathrooms 2X
-Wiped tables 5X
-Swept 7X
-Put up chairs
-Took down chairs
-Got to work early 3X
-Stocked fridge 1X
Total;98
<span class="ev_code_RED">Fun related</span>
-Made Singing Lesson Cd
-Listened to Singing Lessons 1X
-Made new cd
-Listened to fun music 2X
-Watched tv 1X
-Downloaded new songs
-Sang out loud 2X
-Played game 1X
Total;10
<span class="ev_code_GREEN">Shiatsu related</span>
-Got to class on time
-Pillow technique 3X
-Renki 2X
-Treated roomate
-Proposed idea and setup bring a friend day
-Emailed classmates
Total;9
<span class="ev_code_PURPLE">Financial related</span>
-Finished Resume
-Dealt with Osap
-Asked store if still hiring despite them taking down the sign
-Applied for 3 jobs
-Had an interview 1X
-Worked on applications
-Started new job
-Cashed cheques
Total;10
<span class="ev_code_BROWN">Personal related (mentally)</span>
-Wayne Dyer meditation 23X
-Make Goal list
-Fasted for 25 days
-Faced social limitation 166X
-Kekkai 6X
-Slept 9-11 hours 3X
-Relaxation cd 5X
-Accomplishments in jar 7X
-Tic marking everytime I attempt overcoming negative thought 783X
-Wrote out goals
-Affirmation tape
-Got to class on time
-Got to sleep early 4X
-Allowed myself to not fully complete a goal all at once 1X
-Journalled 12X
-Negative thought replacement 17X
-Realized that I'm not always going to feel positive
-Love meditation 8X
-Holosync 10X
-Rhodiola 8X
-Calmed myself down despite problems 2X
-Stopped forcing suggestions onto others 1X
-Added acceptance to tic exercise
-Smile pictures 6X
-Secret garden meditation 2X
-Self confidence meditation 3X
-Went to party 1X
-Got up at 7:30am 1X
-Napped 2hours
-Seasalt water 4X
-Reached out for help 1X
-Made jokes with bank teller
-Faced Trauma 2X
-Lesson 6
-Went to my friends to work on my issues 2X
-Faced ego
Total;1114
<span class="ev_code_GREY">Personal related (physically)</span>
-Hip hop abs 5X
-Fasted for 25 days
-Water 57cups
-Stretched 9X
-Made good food 4X
-Probiotic
-Made lunch for work
-Green smoothies 7cups
-Lemonade 22cups
-Walked 3hours
-Seasalt water 4X
-Olive oil 1X
Total;139
<span class="ev_code_PINK">Other</span>
-Bought groceries 4X
-Dishes at home 5X
-Posted on forums 22X (not journal related)
-Journalled on forums 7X
-Journaled on facebook 7X
-Cooked turkey
-Tidyed up 2X
-Unpacked
-Christmas shopped
-Encouraged friend
-Emailed my friend
-Helped out handicapped guy
Total;53
Grand Total for November;1433 (Probabbly more, I wasn't completely diligent with keeping track but that's ok)
It really makes you wonder how many accomplishments you are really making...especially when you're telling yourself it is impossible or you aren't getting better. How can someone not get better if they are making so many accomplishments? Honestly? I highly recommend this exercise to anybody suffering from anxiety or depression.
Mike
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Guest
Day 24 (Expectations)
I am getting more comfortable with the "script" that I've been using when i phone people and that is great that I'm feeling more relaxed but my mind is trying to get me to create a safe zone to stay into. I had to say diffrent things today and I was actually having some difficulty. What I'd like to do is be able to handle the akwardness more easily.I don't want to be a robot, I want to be a human who is flexible physically, mentally and emotionally.
I've come to realize another fear I have. The fear of being left out and I do not like leaving other people out. Maybe this has to do with letting people down.
When I feel uncomfortable I tend to laugh alot more. I guess this is a defense mechanism that my mind uses to help reduce stress in the moment and yet i have judged myself alot about this. I've felt really bad about doing this but it is only normal. My mind wants to protect me!
One of my biggest struggles right now is to be passionate and like i mentioned in a previous post, I'm also afraid of it. I have a great resistance towards it because I may not do it perfectly and feel bad because I put all my energy into it...however, it is the passion and high energy that gets things going. Meaning if I want to do the best at the job then maybe i will need to get passionate about making effort.
Speaking of work, I had a really difficult time today...I think i'm starting to get sick. My throat doesn't feel right and I am really lethargic today. It made everything a struggle...getting through the day, calling people, getting myself home, and also class which i had later on in the day. I may have over done myself as this work environment that i'm in is almost completely opposite to what i believe in. It is a great place to learn how to be more social and I do like the people that work there but it goes against all the things i would expect from a decent job.I actually got told (indirectly) that i wasn't doing good enough and if i don't prove myself by next week then "that's it". What are they basing this on? Well one person who knows how the head supervisor things says that she's basing this on the progress that I've made compared to the progress of the new girl. I don't know if this is 100% true but I am definately going to have a talk with her just about what she expects from me and what her opinion is of my progress. I know that i'm struggling but I really do feel that I'm working hard! My jealousy of the other girl's progress had come up a little bit when she started (around tuesday or wednesday) but after i heard that...wow was I jealous. But it isn't the girl's fault after all she isn't the one that made the judgement.
Last night was not a good night. I had class and I was feeling soooo exhausted that I had no choice but to have something with sugar in it in order to get myself back home. I had some apple juice and I figured that wouldn't be too bad but wow did I ever have a horrible sleep. I'm sure this is another factor to getting sick.
Accomplishments;125 (45 Tics & 67 attempts to overcome social anxiety)
Mike
I am getting more comfortable with the "script" that I've been using when i phone people and that is great that I'm feeling more relaxed but my mind is trying to get me to create a safe zone to stay into. I had to say diffrent things today and I was actually having some difficulty. What I'd like to do is be able to handle the akwardness more easily.I don't want to be a robot, I want to be a human who is flexible physically, mentally and emotionally.
I've come to realize another fear I have. The fear of being left out and I do not like leaving other people out. Maybe this has to do with letting people down.
When I feel uncomfortable I tend to laugh alot more. I guess this is a defense mechanism that my mind uses to help reduce stress in the moment and yet i have judged myself alot about this. I've felt really bad about doing this but it is only normal. My mind wants to protect me!
One of my biggest struggles right now is to be passionate and like i mentioned in a previous post, I'm also afraid of it. I have a great resistance towards it because I may not do it perfectly and feel bad because I put all my energy into it...however, it is the passion and high energy that gets things going. Meaning if I want to do the best at the job then maybe i will need to get passionate about making effort.
Speaking of work, I had a really difficult time today...I think i'm starting to get sick. My throat doesn't feel right and I am really lethargic today. It made everything a struggle...getting through the day, calling people, getting myself home, and also class which i had later on in the day. I may have over done myself as this work environment that i'm in is almost completely opposite to what i believe in. It is a great place to learn how to be more social and I do like the people that work there but it goes against all the things i would expect from a decent job.I actually got told (indirectly) that i wasn't doing good enough and if i don't prove myself by next week then "that's it". What are they basing this on? Well one person who knows how the head supervisor things says that she's basing this on the progress that I've made compared to the progress of the new girl. I don't know if this is 100% true but I am definately going to have a talk with her just about what she expects from me and what her opinion is of my progress. I know that i'm struggling but I really do feel that I'm working hard! My jealousy of the other girl's progress had come up a little bit when she started (around tuesday or wednesday) but after i heard that...wow was I jealous. But it isn't the girl's fault after all she isn't the one that made the judgement.
Last night was not a good night. I had class and I was feeling soooo exhausted that I had no choice but to have something with sugar in it in order to get myself back home. I had some apple juice and I figured that wouldn't be too bad but wow did I ever have a horrible sleep. I'm sure this is another factor to getting sick.
Accomplishments;125 (45 Tics & 67 attempts to overcome social anxiety)
Mike
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Guest
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Guest
Day 25 (Positivity Break)
I feel like crap! I'm definately sick and I believe the glands on the left side of my face under my jaw are swollen and it isn't fun...However, I am so glad that i got sick. It might feel yukky but i really did need the downtime because I haven't had a day off in over a week and I have a hard time functioning under a schedual like that. I really feel that a major factor to being sick is this new job. It has been very stressful for me and I honestly do not like the job at all. It goes against who i am and what i believe in and it is almost as if i'm not respecting myself by working there. It might have felt like a bad experience but, I realized that I deserve better then this and I feel very strong about this. This is a great indication that this tic marking and accomplishment focusing has made a big inpact on me. I am really starting to realize that I'm worthy of having good things happen and respect and a job that fits my needs.
Working at my job I have also learned that I can overcome my social anxieties but the way I did it through this job is not the right way. It may expose me to the limitations however I feel like I "have" to do it and so I don't feel like it is coming from me. I thus am expected to do it and so I just get myself back into another comfort zone which is a good start but it is just like inputting another cycle into my head. I need to do this on my own terms and I need to be able to calm myself down. I've felt what socializing is when I'm relaxed and have been diligent with the relaxation cd and It feels so much more free and I can say whatever I want and i'm not limited....this is completely diffrent, I'm facing the limitation as a robot and not like a human like i do when i've practiced relaxation. I think i now understand what Lucinda Basette said about how some professionals would just expose people to their fears by itself as a way to overcome the fear and how it just doesn't work.
So being sick it is rather impossible for me to overcome the negative thoughts and honestly I feel that it isn't so important today. I'm going to allow myself to be negative and accept myself for it. It is hard to feel good when your body isn't feeling good and that's alright. No big deal.
Accomplishments;13 (0 tics, 0 attempts to overcome social anxiety)
Mike
I feel like crap! I'm definately sick and I believe the glands on the left side of my face under my jaw are swollen and it isn't fun...However, I am so glad that i got sick. It might feel yukky but i really did need the downtime because I haven't had a day off in over a week and I have a hard time functioning under a schedual like that. I really feel that a major factor to being sick is this new job. It has been very stressful for me and I honestly do not like the job at all. It goes against who i am and what i believe in and it is almost as if i'm not respecting myself by working there. It might have felt like a bad experience but, I realized that I deserve better then this and I feel very strong about this. This is a great indication that this tic marking and accomplishment focusing has made a big inpact on me. I am really starting to realize that I'm worthy of having good things happen and respect and a job that fits my needs.
Working at my job I have also learned that I can overcome my social anxieties but the way I did it through this job is not the right way. It may expose me to the limitations however I feel like I "have" to do it and so I don't feel like it is coming from me. I thus am expected to do it and so I just get myself back into another comfort zone which is a good start but it is just like inputting another cycle into my head. I need to do this on my own terms and I need to be able to calm myself down. I've felt what socializing is when I'm relaxed and have been diligent with the relaxation cd and It feels so much more free and I can say whatever I want and i'm not limited....this is completely diffrent, I'm facing the limitation as a robot and not like a human like i do when i've practiced relaxation. I think i now understand what Lucinda Basette said about how some professionals would just expose people to their fears by itself as a way to overcome the fear and how it just doesn't work.
So being sick it is rather impossible for me to overcome the negative thoughts and honestly I feel that it isn't so important today. I'm going to allow myself to be negative and accept myself for it. It is hard to feel good when your body isn't feeling good and that's alright. No big deal.
Accomplishments;13 (0 tics, 0 attempts to overcome social anxiety)
Mike
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Guest
Thank you MC Grace.
I'm alright with showing my insecurities and don't feel ashamed about my accomplishments no matter how little they may seem to others.
Ya rest is important...I need more of it. It is almost as if i'm trying to keep myself sick as a means to not to go work...but i'm not going to let that job control me.
MIke
I'm alright with showing my insecurities and don't feel ashamed about my accomplishments no matter how little they may seem to others.
Ya rest is important...I need more of it. It is almost as if i'm trying to keep myself sick as a means to not to go work...but i'm not going to let that job control me.
MIke