I really just want to introduce myself and share a little of my story. It's very theraputic to write, as I'm sure you all know!
I'm a returning-member to Lucinda's program: My grandma bought the program for me just over a year ago; I was coming off the worst depressive period of my life (I was convinced I could never love anyone romantically (I had recently broken up with my then-boyfriend), I hated the classes I was taking at my university, I felt like a failure (i.e. I wasn't married, had no children, wasn't using my first college degree, and still relied a ton on my parents), and was drinking a lot. I wasn't exactly suicidal because I could never kill myself, but I wished constantly that I was dead or just simply didn't exist.), and I started going through the CDs. I made the mistake of not being consistent with the CDs, and I didn't do the homework like I should have (a realistic "should" for me!).
2007 ended up being a rough year, and I wish I would have stuck with the program right away. I had an anxious summer as I was living in the city to complete the academic portion of my second college degree and I let city life get to me (e.g. noise, smells, people, crowds, crime, feeling boxed-in). I'm a country girl, born and raised, and I missed my family farm. In the fall, I moved back home and spent the next five months student-teaching under the guidance of a cooperating teacher who, while highly intelligent and a great teacher in her own right, was not a good match for me because our classroom management styles were very different. I obsessed this whole time, all of 2007, over not having a boyfriend, over living at home and actually wanting to live there because of my anxiety, over being "old" (I was 26. I'm now 27.) and having accomplished basically "nothing," and over being a "bad" teacher because I didn't get on well with my cooperating teacher, among other things. In December, I graduated with my second degree (in elementary education), and really wanted to move on with my life.
My life to that point had been full of anxiety and depression. I was diagnosed with OCD when I was eight, clinical depression at 16, and had my first panic attack when I was 24. I worried about everything one could possibly worry about (e.g. germs, my grades, athletics, not being "normal," being away from my "safe" places and people, not being a good enough daughter/friend/teacher/etc., not being a mother yet, not being married yet, and so on) EXCEPT being in front of people. I love acting, singing, and dancing, and have few problems giving presentations. I'm convinced that I'm comfortable with people because I was encouraged to be a performer from the time I was very little: I learned to be good in front of groups. I am further convinced that my anxiety and depression continued to get worse because I had never learned any techniques to turn off my negative thoughts.
I have been on medication since I was 11 and I truly believe I do need medication; it takes the edge off and helps me to function. Meds can only do so much, though, and I need the skills Lucinda is teaching me in order to do more than just "function." I want to LIVE. I have a, brilliant, amazing psychiatrist and am grateful every day for him. My parents and grandparents are very supportive of me, and I have some extraordinary friends who are always behind me.
Recently (end of March), I started dating a totally wonderful guy and I've put him through heck because my anxiety is skyrocketing over being "in a relationship." I am afraid of scaring and hurting him, afraid of sex (we are not sexually active yet, but I still fear it), afraid of feeling "relationship love," afraid of this being long-term because I don't know the future, afraid even for the children we could have someday! The hardest part is the fact that my boyfriend deals with some anxiety too and had a bout of depression several years ago. We both worry so much about each other and each others' feelings, and I know my anxiety feeds his. Despite this, when I relax, we have fun together, have a lot in common, and are very considerate of each other. I tell him everything and he is doing his very best to understand. I truly think I love this guy, and I know the feeling is reciprocated.
This brings me to, well, now.
I re-started Lucinda's program recently, though I breezed through CDs 1 and 2 and am concentrating my efforts again with 3. My motivation is my boyfriend; I want to be able to really enjoy him and our time together. I want to be able to stop "what-if"ing us and being afraid of my (our?) future. I need to stop worrying about the kids I would like to have someday; I don't want them to be affected with depression and anxiety like I am. My motivation is also the fact that I refuse to waste the rest of my life by being depressed and anxious. Twenty-ish years is twenty-ish years too long!So that's my story. I pray for you all and hope to get to know you and to recover with you. Best to you all!