need a little encouragement

[bna]

Hello
Just wondering if anyone can relate. I didn't sleep too well last night, up most of the night with a pain in my knee. I had a baby shower to attend 1hr away from my house in which I hardly knew anyone. I was there for over 3 hours wishing I was at home but trying to make the best of the social situation. I feel uncomfortable in crowds but figured hey I can do it I'm on week 9-10.

Left the shower totally starving. I couldn't eat anything there becasue I have severe nut allergy which results in anaphylaxis. All the food was home made so I couldn't read the ingredients. My allergist has told me if you don't know who made it or there's no list of ingredients don't eat it.

Driving home from the shower (on major traffic route of only 2 lanes, cars traveling 50 mph) I'm stopped at street light. As light turns green I start to go when I notice car on left stopped w/ bicycle driver stopped on his left. I strted to go but stopped short thinking the car stopped for bicycle driver to let pass in front of all the traffic.

Cars start to beep, so I start to slowly pull away as there is no one in front of me.

I then proceed to have a what if panic attack. What if bicylist was going to drive right across the front of traffic?.What if I hit him? And I procced to beat myself up the whole drive home. I didn't realize that the bicyclist is stopped beacuse he's obeying the rules of the road and is stopped at a red light with all the traffic.

By the time I get home, I'm really upset. I try to talk to husband who's been home all day with the kids and he tells me to stop inventing things to worry about. That I need to live in the real world and stop it.

I was really hurt by his words. I just wanted a little reassurance and I know I'm the one I supposed to run too butI was tired and feeling a little overwhelemd from all the things that put me way outside my comfort zone today.

I am proud of myself for the things I did today but why the heck did I chose to have a panic attack and scare myself all the way home. My thought when I get home was that's why I should have stayed home then I wouldn't have had a what if painc attack. But I realize, even if I stayed home and didn't do all these things, I probably would have had a panic attack just being home.

After writing all this I am proud of my accomplishments for the day. So thank you for listening. Good luck and God Bless.

[Guest]

Dear bna,

I am really proud of you! You put yourself out there and you made it! I know you think you could have done better but you did as well as you could at this time. You did your best and your best is good enough. I think our spouses get soo tired of listening to us over and over. I know my does but he is there for me. Like you I know that we are our own safe person and safe place but once in a while it gets hard after an extremely hard day. Keep up the good work. I starting session 7 and it really is a up and down battle. But with persistance we will suceed! I am proud of you.

[cfe]

Hi bna,

Sorry you are having such tough going. And it is tough, those w/o this disorder have no frame of reference for it.

Lucinda says that we won't die from the anxiety/panic, although it does feel sometimes that we will. She also says that our panic is designed to KEEP us in our very limited spots and in our dysfunction.

I applaude your being able to go out and even if you did have your panic attack...GOOD JOB! Maybe next time it will be a little easier for you!

I suggest you hand-carry some safe snacks for yourself, for emergencies and try to remember "this too shall pass" when an attack hits you.

Are you distracting yourself? I play Leon Russell's music and sing loudly to keep myself going forward. It helps me, anyway.

Do be good to yourself, just because you have a panic attack doesn't mean you aren't a good person...it just means for right now, you have a disorder that you are working on.

Good luck,
Herebedragons

[Sassesue]

Dear excietd and herbedragons
Thank you very much for your kind words. I really aooreciated them. Take care and God Bless.