Feelings - Letting it all out

[nbast05]

Hi,

I am 19 years old and have been dealing for anxiety for about 2 years now. It all started after an earthquake jolted me out of my seat at a basketball game. From then on I have been anxious about doing anything. Whether it be going to see a movie, going on airplanes, staying in hotel rooms, living by myself in college, or just being alone, i always feel like there is something wrong even though I have gotten everything checked out and I am perfectly healthy. Heck I play college baseball! I am a collegiate athlete in good shape and I think that there is always something wrong.... whether it be my heart because of my chest pains or my stomach, or most of the time my head because of headaches through the day. I always think about the headache and it will get worse and my dad being a doctor allowed me to get all the tests and proved to me I am okay, but my mind thinks I am not at all. Its hard for me to workout now because I think when my heart rate goes up I feel like I am going to have a heart attack or that when my head hurts I feel like my blood pressure is too high and I am going to have an aneurism. But, none of these things ever happen. My constant headaches make me think that something is wrong. I started the program today and kind of feel better. But, what I really want to talk about is my panic attack last night. I went to the movies with my family and my friend that is a girl that I like. Take in account I had just flown home on a plane that day so I was a little on the edge already, because I freaked myself out on the plane because I felt trapped when I was having a panic attack. But, I used the relaxation songs to help calm myself. I made it off the plane and felt somewhat relieved, but now I just wanted to get home and relax. I made it home, but had a looming headache like all the stresses of change and being on the trip made me think about more and more. I couldn't get that stupid headache to go away and it bugged me. Then, the dreaded time of the day was fastly approaching.... nighttime is where all my anxiety beings to unravel. We went to theatre and I was okay and then the movie started. The movie was pretty intense with loud music and a lot of action that is very easy to get caught up in. I began to think about my headache more and more and my ears where very sensitive to the loud sounds, so I texted my dad telling him i didn't feel well at all. He said you will be okay, nothing is wrong, you need to trust God. Honestly, I tried my hardest to relax it was just really hard. Even when he, a very well-respected doctor, my own dad, told me that I was fine, I continued to believe that something was wrong, and i felt like i was going to pass out or die. My left side of my chest began to feel pressured and I thought I was going to have a heart attack, my hands got really sweaty, and my body began to shake as all my senses were overwhelmed by this movie. I just wanted to get up and leave, but I had just read this website that told me to stay there or else you will give in to the anxiety. So, I stayed there and more symptoms came. I decided to pray for help and ask God to help me get through this sort of impending doom my mind had created. It helped for a little, but then my stomach began to hurt, and i thought i had stomach cancer, since that is what a recent family friend passed away of about a year ago. My mind was creating all these crazy thoughts, and i felt like I had to leave, but i stayed. My mind and body were so exhausted after the movie, but i had survived nevertheless. I got out of the movie, but i felt very surreal, my mind was having in my own words a "meltdown", and I felt very embarrassed feeling like this in front of my friend who I like. But, she was totally okay with it and helped me calm down a little. But, since we hadn't eaten in about 5 hours it was now 10 o clock and we needed to eat. We went to eat at a chilis and my mind was still in panic mode like I absolutely needed to get home for some reason. I couldn't focus, the room seemed like it was surreal. I felt so oversensitive that I wouldn't be able to eat let alone hold a conversation with my family. But, my dad took me outside and helped me to relax. I honestly felt like i was losing control and becoming crazy. I was so overwhelmed by anxiety that I felt like i couldn't control it anymore. My dad calmed me down and was there to just hold me and be there for me and I felt well enough to go back inside. At first, I couldn't eat anything. My stomach and throat felt like it didn't want to eat at all, but my body was very hungry indeed. I started with small bites of chicken and tortillas but spit them back out, and felt nauseated. But, my dad told me to eat and i did with the help of gulps of water. I began to feel better but felt very tired and exhausted from all this fight with anxiety. I tried to fight it so much that it literally felt like i just ran a marathon. But, i still had to drive home, at first i didn't know if i could but i got the strength to make it all the way home. Back home i walked my friend back to her car, gave her a hug, and told her i was sorry, she said it was totally okay and i felt better that she didn't judge me for that one incident, she is a true friend. I then went up to my parents room so exhausted that i just laid on their bed with them. Me, a 19 year old guy, sleeping in the same bed as his parents. It was kind of embarrassing, but i felt comfortable. I went back to my bed and crashed. My dad told me he checked on me the whole night, this reassured me that I am not alone and that people do care about me and love me. I know my family loves me, God loves me, and they are always there for me. However, I woke up this morning feeling wiped out, and recall the events so clearly that I can experience them again and it frightens me. I keep thinking something is wrong with me and my dad told me that I am going to get a full body scan this week on friday to rule out everything. I opened this program up and watched the start up program and felt a little relief knowing so many others are experiencing the same thing. I just feel that my case is a stronger anxiety and panic then normal. I honestly feel alone in that way. I feel like mine is very different even though i have the same symptoms, they just escalade. Like today, my headache made me call the support line and talk to a lady that reassured me they were caused by anxiety. Today, I feel still on the edge, because I am afraid it is going to happen again, but mostly during the night, never usually during the day. I think this is because i had another major panic attack while i was in a hotel at night time while i was watching tv. I literally felt like i was going to die, but my dad reassured me that everything was okay and that it was only anxiety. But, after that night, i felt different then normal i felt like my body was in slow motion and i was in a dream. I felt very sensitive to every loud sound or every pain in my body. After that i had to desensitize myself to all those feelings, but it took a while to do that. It wasn't until yesterday that i felt that same way as i had in the hotel about 2 years ago. My mind feels like it is overwhelmed with anxiety, even though i am the creator of my own threats and fears, and my body is in this very sensitive state right now. I feel shaky and feel like my muscles are fatigued even though i haven't done anything but sleep, i feel this looming fate like it is going to be with my forever now and that my panic attacks will keep coming back. I sam one of those people that tries to analyze things too much and think instead of doing, i might consider myself somewhat of a perfectionist, because i am very hard on myself. I tend to look things up and try to figure things out about what is wrong instead of understanding that nothing is wrong at all. I also sometimes feel like i don't know who i am because of anxiety, i lost a lot of confidence and self-esteem, and feel like i don't have a lot of true friends in my life besides a few and my family. But hey, at least i have them and am not alone right? I feel rather like i have a lot of acquaintances that tend to use me. I am one of those people that will do anything for you if you are my friend, but i feel like i don't have those types of friends that will do anything for me. Even though i was a valedictorian, and won a lot of awards for school, i tend to not think before i say things and just say things just to say them, which causes people to make fun of me, but i laugh just to make it seem like i think it is funny even though it hurts me inside. My mind almost keeps me from avoiding situations because i think that something bad will happen, even though nothing ever does. When i am not around my family, when my anxiety kicks in i feel like i have to call my dad to feel better. I know it sounds stupid but he is my safe person. No matter what time of the day it is i will call him, and it sucks because i sometimes wake him up and wonder why a call like that makes me feel better. I want to be able to be alone without having to call him. Also, i hate taking pills so i dont really take pills because i feel like i am going to get addicted to them or rely on them, even just common tylenol for headaches. I don't smoke and have only had a couple of drinks in my life. College has been a change, but i survived this year, with not only school, but school and baseball. I am sure we have all thought about this, but at times, i am afraid to die. I know it sounds dumb, but that is what sparks my anxiety a lot. I need to accept the fact that one day i am going to die, and there is nothing i can do about it. Also, I get afraid of family members dying, and being left alone. But i need to understand that God is always with me wherever and whenever. I really want to overcome this anxiety, it is at the top of my list of things to do, but i also think about success in baseball and school, relationships, friendships etc. I know i can overcome this, but i really do need help i cannot do it alone. I know I am creating my own fears and anxiety, and I know i can overcome it. I just need to stick to this program day by day. I feel alot better letting this all out. I hate having to keep it in. I should definitely do this more often. Sorry about this long post, but i felt like i needed to let it all out.

Any replies,comments, or responses are greatly appreciated. I just need the satisfaction of knowing i am not alone.
Thanks

Nick Bast

[jneusch]

Good for you for having the courage to tell your story! I hope that you will begin to understand that you are not alone! I feel all of the same things that you are feeling. What a blessing that you know what it is at your age. I am a 38 year old who has just realized what these horrible feelings are. Looking back I believe my problems with anxiety and panic started when I was 13. We are going through some scary times right now. I understand and know exactly how you feel. My husband is a physcian assistant and the one that I call when I start to panic. Sometimes it is hard for him to understand the extent of how TERRIBLE I am feeling. However; he is learning and trying to figure out how he can help me. Be strong and I will be praying for you!

Jen Neuschafer

[nbast05]

thanks jen! we can get through this! It IS CURABLE... its not a disease