Birthday Jitters

[Jenn29]

Hi all. I am new to the program (on session 2) and on the eve of my 24th birthday. During what should be the prime of my life instead I am plagued by constant anxiety and panic attacks. I have had this condition for close to 18 years now, but it has never been this bad and chronic. To be honest...I am tired. I'm tired of having to work at it just to be "normal." I realize there is no normal...but I am tired of having to work so hard just so that I am not constantly thinking of death and dying, the end of the world, all the weird physical symptoms I am having and how much it is affecting my work and relationships.

I am so ready for this program to start working and all of the other natural methods I am trying. I was on medicine once and beat my depression. Then I changed my diet and came off meds. Felt great. I hate all things modern medicine (nothing wrong with people that take them I just don't like them for myself). So in some small way if I have to get back on them I feel like I am failing. Because I know I can beat it on my own. I have never been so bad off in the way of anxiety and I am starting to lose hope.

I just hope I do not embarrass myself in front of my family members coming in for my birthday tomorrow. I know we are supposed to think it is silly that we think about what others think of us. But I don't want to ruin their time. (Again thinking about their time on MY birthday) but I can't help it! That's the way people like us are programmed I guess. It would be nice to have a relaxing fun day instead of one spent in the corner (so to speak).

May God bless all of you, my fellow friends in panic. So nice to know I am not alone at least. I wish you much success in your journey and anyone that prays, I am taking donations! Happy to reciprocate

Have a wonderful weekend!!

[AimCat]

Jenn: Happy Birthday! You've given yourself a great gift in this program and seeking "normal." I applaud you for taking care of yourself. This is a great point in your life to learn to take care of yourself.

I'm much older than you (40s), and it was only about 5 years ago that I really recognized and started to deal with the depression that's been a part of my life pretty much always. I, too, have been on medicine and beaten my depression (well, beaten it back....) And now I'm here again, too, seeing that depression train bearing down on me and feeling hopeless to escape it. I think at my age, reflecting on myself, and facing it again, I'm starting to see it as a part of myself that I just need to make my peace with and prepare my toolkit for dealing with it when it comes to visit.

I, too, want to avoid going back on meds. As a parent, I really want to find a way of coping with life as a model to my kids that they, too, will need to find within themselves a means of coping with their lives that, hopefully, doesn't rely on chemicals. I'm not against meds; I returned to them more than once when I just couldn't get out of the whole without some help. However, overall, and for myself, I feel like the good Lord could not have meant for some of the Lord's children to only be their true selves on Wellbutrin. But I also believe the good Lord made humans to be resourceful, and if they can save each other with CPR or surgery or anti-depressants, the Lord would want them to. Right now, I'm determined to eat well, take my vitamins, take care of my soul, and grow as a person, but then, I see the train coming.

Jenn, take it one day at a time. Take it one hour at at time, or when necessary, one minute at a time or one breath at a time. Maybe for your party, plan ahead for one thing you think you can do if you feel stressed -- for me, I might tell a trusted friend or family member ahead of time that if I felt stressed, I might come and hang out with him/her for a while. Or I would be ready with a little prayer -- Lord, I give this (uncomfortable feeling or thought) over to you right now. (repeat as necessary throughout party).

Anyway, just one thing to do when stressed.

Also, you might prepare yourself with one -- just one -- way to reach outside yourself. A smile or a comment ('that must have been fun" or whatever) that you can offer into any 'ol conversation you come across. Don't look for anything special in return, just praise yourself for staying in it and being a part of it.

So one thing to do when stressed and one thing to do to reach out -- and just do those things --relax into those things -- when you don't know what else to do or be or feel. Or just choose one if two seems like too much. And I'm praying for you. Let us know how your party goes.

[Jenn29]

Thank you so much for your kind words, advice and Birthday wishes! My "party" went just fine (one minor pocket of anxiety that I was able to breathe through)...other than...it didn't really live up to my expectations. This is a problem for me. I have such high expectations of myself and other people. You see, I am not used to having the quiet birthday in at home with just family, a few gifts and a slice of cake. That is exactly what I got tonight (and to be honest probably the best thing for me right now). I am used to being surrounded by friends and cocktails and late night fun. However, I just moved to this new state 10 months ago and only have 2 friends so far.

So I started thinking to myself. I must be getting older and at that stage when birthday's really don't matter. Even at work where birthdays tend to be a big deal, mine was not today! This is an office where I generally don't feel like I get the respect I give and that I am the only one that follows the rules. Thus creating even more stress and anxiety.

I feel like such a brat for thinking to myself...HEY...It's my birthday! This should be a big deal! But then again why would I want it to be when I am afraid of panicking? So it's a catch 22. I guess this was God's way of saying just relax. Have a quiet time. You need this.

All in all in the way of anxiety today could have been much worse, and I am grateful for that. As far as depression goes it was a terrible day. I felt selfish, sad, lonely even in a crowd. Feelings that I haven't felt this bad in many years.

I enjoyed what you said about accepting it is a part of you and that you just need to break out the tool kit when you see it coming. I am going to break out that tool kit now. I believe you are already a wonderful role model for your kids because you are still here fighting the good fight every day. You are a very strong and obviously caring person.

Thank you for the prayers, I will say one for you tonight. I am actually being baptized for the first time in the ocean on Sunday afternoon. I am very much looking forward to that!

Have a great rest of the weekend!

Jenn

[AimCat]

Jenn: Your birthday and your baptism all in the same week. That's really great.

It sounds like you handled your birthday party well -- mild disappointment about its quietness and all. Thank you for letting us know how it went. It sounds like you're doing a good job listening to what is good for yourself.

God bless -- and more on Sunday.

[Jenn29]

Update: It was a beautiful day today at the beach. I had a great church service and baptism in the ocean. I said to myself as we started wading out "once I go under, I will reemerge free of panic.God will take this away from me and encourage the tools I already have within me to stop this."

When I first came out, I felt fantastic! Ready to take on the world and my panic attacks. As the day wore on, I felt some symptoms start. I talked my way through them pretty well, despite not feeling 100% for the rest of the day. Then I got home and I would "rate" my anxiety around a 4. Obviously I was not heading in the right direction.

So I cooked my husband and I dinner to take my mind off of it and popped in tape 2 to listen to while I cooked. I am still listening to it as we speak. I am supposed to start number 3 tomorrow but admittedly I have not followed step by step this time. This is the second or third time I have listened to the tape and I have not listened to the relaxation tape in a couple of days...

I have been utilizing this peer feature, as well as journaling a couple of times but I know I could do more. It was a little disheartening to have to talk myself down so quickly after a very empowering event. It made me somewhat depressed actually.

That being said I feel better coming here and just writing this. So thankful to have it. I am looking forward to starting session 3 and I hope to talk to more of you soon!

THANK YOU!

Jenn

[AimCat]

Jenn: It sounds like a beautiful baptism ceremony. You are bringing forth the new you in so many ways. Don't be discouraged! An anxiety level of 4 is pretty good. It could have been worse. And you took some really positive steps after that to deal with your panicky feelings.

"once I go under, I will reemerge free of panic.God will take this away from me and encourage the tools I already have within me to stop this."

That's a great prayer. God will take your panic away, but I think God expects us to participate in that -- after all, God doesn't give panic. We end up doing that to ourselves. For lots of reasonable reasons -- for one, because it's the best we can do to cope with the stresses we find ourselves facing. But there are better ways, and I believe the Lord wants us to find and follow those and learn better how to take care of ourselves and love ourselves with the gift of calming our panic and sharing that gift with others when we can.

I don't do it myself very well, but try not to be so hard on yourself. Treat yourself like you would a dear friend or adored child. Be generous with yourself over your efforts even if they don't succeed to your highest hopes. It's easy to see when others defeat themselves with negative self talk, and it's not hard to encourage someone else. But try to have that love for yourself because you are always there with yourself -- for defeating talk or encouraging talk.

And, finally, any habit takes time to develop. We've spent lots of time getting our present habits, and it will take time and repetition, awareness and work to internalize the new, better habits. And you will!