Negative thinking about being alone

[CarolynEd.Dir.]

I recently had a letter from a young teen who was fearful of staying in her room at night. She would run to her parents room and was afraid she was wearing out her welcome. She has been through the course, but not in depth. She knows her main issues: fear of relying on herself, being independent, growing up...aren't we all

My response follows-I am sharing this in hopes of helping someone else in a similar situation. Feel free to comment. Carolyn

Yes, you are correct, all of this is avoidance behavior...do you know what you are avoiding? You mentioned avoidance of being alone when you are nervous...what do you think is under that? Our fears are usually in layers. If I am afraid of my pillow [:) little joking here]...under that fear might be a fear of the dark, under that might be a fear of 'falling' asleep, under that might be a fear of being alone... what would be the next fear for you?

In the meantime, as you contemplate that, how about trying some behavior modification...tonight if you feel you must go to your parents room, delay going for at least 5 minutes (if you can delay it longer or not go at all, fine.) However, the most important part is what do you do while delaying?
I suggest that you get your flash card for lesson 2 out and follow the 6 steps very quietly- within. Remember the breathing...that slows you down. For distraction, start writing about your feelings and write about how you will "fix" them.

For example: "I am afraid I won't sleep. I've felt this way before and I know this feeling doesn't last. I hate this feeling of stress. But I know that it won't last. I know there is no danger. I still Hate it. It's ok if I don't like the sensations of fear. But I know they were given to me as a protection. I know there is no emergency. I reeeeally know that I have the skills to deal with this...but I don't like it anyway. I know that I can Not like something and Still deal with it in a positive way..."

I think having the relaxation CD/tape on while you write would be good. I think reading something light, perhaps even boring would be next. [How about your chemistry text ]

Your parents aren't really upset with you coming in-Under that is their worry of how you are going to handle this and the great empathy they have for you as you battle your fears. They want to make it 'all better' but can't. this is a battle for you to win. You will have many in your life-you are capable of figuring out how to manage each one and learn from it.

Are you spiritual? There is comfort there for many anxiety sufferers.
How is school going? If I remember- this is a new school for you?

Going back to the beginning of your questions/concerns you hit the nail on the head with, "fear of the night alone and relying on self." But! what stressors pushed you to the point that you started acting out on the stress? There is the lesson.

Let's continue tomorrow. Exercise, Relaxation, Skills, telling yourself Nothing but the positive truth.

Well- time to get dressed and move around a bit...it is getting very easy to stay home and sit at the computer all day...not good.

Carolyn

[Guest]

I love that response!
I do not have this specific issue, sleepingn in parents bed, but I do have a hard time relying on myself when things get tough.
In my situation right now, my grandfather is in Petosky Michigan in the hospital. (About 5 hours from my house)
He needs to have open heart surgery on Monday and he already has a pacemaker, Congestive Heart Failure, and diabetes. He is the most wonderful man!! I love him so much and have always been really close to him and my grandmother. He is the only grandfather I have and knew.
So he specifically said that he doesn't want my sister and I to go up there while he is in recovery because the last time we went up there after his last major surgery which was a kidney that was removed, he ended up in the ICU with a respirator and all that. It was very scary but we were there ffor him and he got out of the ICU in a few days and recovered miraculously!
This time since the docs have already warned him that he will be in the ICU on a respirator for at least Two days, and have tubes, and kidney and heart and breathing machines connected to him, that he doesn't want us there to see him that way and that he would rather we go up for Easter or whenever he gets home.
I understand this completly however, I am still very concerned and worried.
With all that being said, my Mother is leaving with my father to go up there and be there with my grandpa and grandma. This means I will be at home, having to rely on myself for all that reassurance I ususally get from her.
I do have my boyfriend, sister, brother in law, baby neice, and dogs =) but my mom is MY rock.
I am worried that I won't be able to handle it but I know that I have a strong strong will to get through this.
This week has been the first week ever!! that I ttake responsibility for how I feel (and really deal with my Scary thoughts)
by myself without seeking that reassurance and as hard as it's been, it is soooooo worht it at the end of the day=)
thank you Carolyn for that reply and for letting us know that relying on ourselves is a hard thing to do but completely possible!!
I will and can do this on my own!

[Guest]

Goodluck to you Ld26 angell you can do it and I'm cheering you on. I hope your grandfather recovers quickly. I will say a prayer for him. Take care and God Bless.